Stupid Puns (or get thee to a Punnery)

Ya’ll are a clever lot - what puns do you have?

A short list to get things rolling.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two tired.
What’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

Every calendar’s days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Oh dear. Is this what Forumosa has come to?

I’m going to add my list of best - sellers:

Mechanical Engineering by Alan Quay.

Freezing Cattle by Thora Herd

Life’s a Raffle by Tom Bowler

Outer Space by A. Leanne.

The English Breakfast by Chris P. Bacon.

God’s Gift to Women by P. Ricks

Bad Falls by Eileen dover

Moon Phases by Seymour Butts

and finally

Land Ahoy by I.C. Fields.

All good reads. Get down to Page One and pick up some of these titles.

You both need to be punished for those posts.

Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinder. Yeah, well, he made a spectacle of himself.

I had this urologist-friend who used to perform vasectomies, until his hand slipped and he got the sack.

And then there was the plastic surgeon who hung himself.

:bravo:

Eh?

Really? I knew a Rabbi who performed circumcisions for free. He worked for tips.

Ugggh

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Eh?[/quote]

I know. It’ll take you a minute, but think about it. Make sure not to be eating or drinking anything when you do.

Please explain the plastic surgeon one… :s

to be hung like a racehorse is to have a huge penis

I had to have it explained the first time I heard it. Back in the 70s.

How do you get down off an elephant?
You don’t get down off an elephant. You get down off a goose.

Hilarious Richard. Guess you really have achieved a new level of humour. All these smart folks and you have 'em all stumped. LMAO.

“My wife’s gone to the West Indies.”

“Jamaica?”

“No, she went of her own accord.”

[color=red]
Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
[/color]

A husband with little English struggled to explain that his wife could not have children, saying ‘she is unbearable’. Getting a blank stare he tried: ‘she is impregnable’. Then finally he figured he had it: ‘she is inconceivable!’

Really? I knew a Rabbi who performed circumcisions for free. He worked for tips.

Ugggh[/quote]

They probably both gave the fruit of their work to Richard’s friend as additional “hung”.

If I had to rate our solar system…I’d give it one star.

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You know there’s a more recent thread for puns, no?


Although it’s not the same after @shiadoa… er… retired… :disappointed_relieved:

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Thanks. The site’s search function is pretty useless.