went to a private Catholic High School. The school’s chaplain, Father Lu was Vietnamese and he would pronounce Christ as “Koresh”…When he said this, I always would snicker and laugh my ass off. I couldn’t help it…I kept thinking of David Koresh. Eventually I was banned from any religious ceremonies at the school after I was caught breaking into the wine storage vault 
“Now then Mr. Murray, what could you possibly be reading down there that’s more interesting than your logarithm tables?”
“Erm, The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers sir. The one where Fat Freddy shags his sister. You be the judge.”
“Out boy. Headmaster’s office. Now.”
Well, it could have happened like that.
In response to a student’s question about what would happen if they put their hand into the jar of sulphuric acid, my 10th grade chemistry teacher, Mrs. Sankey, replied (completely seriously and with a straight face), “I think that would be a very negative experience.”
I can still hear the booming voice of that Welsh git that taught geography . . . “I’ve been dying to catch one of you boys smoking.” Bloody nonce, it wasn’t tobacco . . . .tee hee hee. “Right, out here lads, hands oop, no need to be bashful mind, six o’ tha best for you me laddo.” Bastard caned like a madman.
The worst recollection would have to be my primary school classmate . . Penny Papadoupolous and her all too often squeels of . . “Miss! Huang’s done it again”. (Think Australian -Greek mangled English with the “Miss” and “again” rising to a the full reverberating nostril level.)
HG
as spoken by a replacment maths teacher with a very shaky command of the english language…
“guud morniiing!.. seeet down… today, I em going to leahrn for you’s, fuk-torisation…” muffled laughter and snickering “what ees you’s laughing to?.. both of you’s three see me behind this period…”
to this day factorisation, and for that matter maths in general is still a mystery to me…
My 11th grade English teacher, Mr. Hom: “Um”.
He didn’t just say it once or twice a class. We took a tally, and found that he said “um” about 30-50 times each hour.
Physics teacher at my school used to use the number “forty-twelve ba-million” a lot. I use it to answer questions from my kids now (eg. How big is the sun? How tall are you? etc.)
My primary school art teacher, when giving instructions, would often lose count, resorting to “…and number next I want you to …” I use this a lot, too.
A friend, who was a prefect at his school in England, told me how one day the headmaster called all of the prefects into his office to give them a bolloxing about whatever, and came up with a great mixed metaphor - “I’m bending over backwards for you boys here, and I don’t want you to take me the wrong way!”
Get dressed ya hairy monkeys— ex christian brother after a game
You have to ease it in gently! (emphasis on ease)- same ex brother
You can’t beat the taste of hairy bacon ---------- primary school teacher
Mr. …, would you like the share the joke with the class. You always seems to have something to smile about . Do you think you are superior. Would you like to teach the class today----- secondary school english teacher
Mr. …, satire is the lowest form of wit —secondary school french teacher
Me…IF the pope is a man and not God how is he infallible?
Brother… St. Thomas Aquinas stated blah blah…
Me…Brother, but only God knows everything?
Brother… Mr…, write out the first 10 chapters of the apostle of St. John
‘it was a quaking morass’… secondary school geography teacher…an all-time classic to describe how the Dutch built up Zealandia. It you didn’t use these exact words in your answer he would tell you to write it again!
‘eggs in a basket type topography’… ditto above
‘onion peeling’ …ditto above
(This happened every week, I am not kidding)
‘Mr Stone…why are you sitting like that?’ …same english teacher as above when telling my friend, 16yr old 6.2 ft giant to put his legs under a desk built for a ten yr old.
‘Sir…i can’t…the desk is too small’
‘Mr. Stone…are you deliberately challenging my authority?’
‘but sir…’
‘Put your legs in’
‘Hmmmp’ (desk rises into the air)
‘mr… can you go into the laboratory and turn off the bunsens that have been left on?’ ------- chemistry teacher …although I suppose he did stop anybody turning on the light switch
‘yes class chlorine gas is very toxic…as my grandfather died in the first world war from mustard gas (the most feared and maniacal teacher in the school went mistyeyed and talks about history for 10minute) …everybody pass around a jar of it and get a sniff’
My 8th grade history teacher: “Bull Feathers!”
I had a calculus teacher who would say with great portent “don’t imitate scrubbing bubbles…and go down the drain.” Well, I guess you had to be there (and an addict to US television commercials) to appreciate it.
I think this thread is “dead as a doornail”
I had a Life Sciences Teacher in Seventh Grade who loved to pick on students with the last name “Miller”. He’d say, “Okay folks, it’s MILLER TIME.”
Chemistry Teacher freshmen year in high school: “People, please, no more launching of projectiles.” (he said that every time he caught somebody throwing something in class).