Wow, thanks for all the responses. I had a long talk with her the other day about this issue and well the only thing that came out of it was she was mad and I had to do alot of sweet talking…This is what she says. At first they wanted $10,000 USD but lowered it 5 grand Her explination is they have a very big family, if they all show up that would be about 500+ people, including her freinds. As for the red evenlopes, her parents keep that money to offset the cost of the wedding plus make some extra cash. She keeps the ones from her freinds.
Her family will pay for everything, wedding,gown,honeymoon,food you get the point. I pay for my tux and wedding ring. When I asked if there was going to be a monthly payment to them some time in the future, holy s%#t, she went off. I had to hang up and let her cool off for a hour. That issue was resolved though as I said that I would help them out if they ever needed money but I WOULD never pay a monthly dowery to them. Sorry not going to do it.
So…I found wisdom in this…avoid the money issue like the pleague with her. When we are married I will take a weekly allowence and let her do with the rest as she pleases…she is better with money anyway.
[quote=“NoHope”]When I asked if there was going to be a monthly payment to them some time in the future, holy s%#t, she went off. I had to hang up and let her cool off for a hour. That issue was resolved though as I said that I would help them out if they ever needed money but I WOULD never pay a monthly dowery to them. Sorry not going to do it.
So…I found wisdom in this…avoid the money issue like the pleague with her. When we are married I will take a weekly allowence and let her do with the rest as she pleases…she is better with money anyway.[/quote]
As I gaze into my crystal ball, I see lots of quarrels about money in the future of your marriage.
Keep a secret bank account in which to stash extra money you earn.
[quote=“Chris”][quote=“NoHope”]When I asked if there was going to be a monthly payment to them some time in the future, holy s%#t, she went off. I had to hang up and let her cool off for a hour. That issue was resolved though as I said that I would help them out if they ever needed money but I WOULD never pay a monthly dowery to them. Sorry not going to do it.
So…I found wisdom in this…avoid the money issue like the pleague with her. When we are married I will take a weekly allowence and let her do with the rest as she pleases…she is better with money anyway.[/quote]
As I gaze into my crystal ball, I see lots of quarrels about money in the future of your marriage.
Keep a secret bank account in which to stash extra money you earn.[/quote]
Well the only issue I have with her and money is if we had to pay a monthly “dowery” Other then that we will have a joint account and 2 personal accounts. This way she has her spending money, I have mine and then the joint account is what bills will be paid out of. This is what we came up with the night she came un-glued on me. Hopefully it will work out. I will be the first to admit I am very irresponsable with my money and want someone who can tame the spending beast inside of me!
[quote=“NoHope”][quote=“Chris”][quote=“NoHope”]When I asked if there was going to be a monthly payment to them some time in the future, holy s%#t, she went off. I had to hang up and let her cool off for a hour. That issue was resolved though as I said that I would help them out if they ever needed money but I WOULD never pay a monthly dowery to them. Sorry not going to do it.
So…I found wisdom in this…avoid the money issue like the pleague with her. When we are married I will take a weekly allowence and let her do with the rest as she pleases…she is better with money anyway.[/quote]
As I gaze into my crystal ball, I see lots of quarrels about money in the future of your marriage.
Keep a secret bank account in which to stash extra money you earn.[/quote]
Well the only issue I have with her and money is if we had to pay a monthly “dowery” Other then that we will have a joint account and 2 personal accounts. This way she has her spending money, I have mine and then the joint account is what bills will be paid out of. This is what we came up with the night she came un-glued on me. Hopefully it will work out. I will be the first to admit I am very irresponsable with my money and want someone who can tame the spending beast inside of me![/quote]
Damn ,noHope is in the same situation as i am now. Only difference is that my GF divorced already once, so I should have a discount on the cookies budget me think.
besides, the only arguments i have with my GF are indeed about money. i am paying everything, she keeps the rest of her money on her saving account. yep, call me stupid. Do not do the same or there will be indeed No Hope anymore
I suspect that you are not being asked to pay a monthly dowry. Instead, you are being asked to contribute to her parents’ household finances with a set payment each month. This type of financial arrangement is very common in Taiwan and given that are basically no pensions in Taiwan unless you are a public sector employee, many older people are counting on their children to help them out after they retire. She may well have been doing so in the past.
I think that you should consider committing in your own mind to a sum that you feel you and your wife can afford. It could be as little as NT$1,000 a month if that is really all you can contribute for now. Table this issue until after the wedding and then renegotiate. Remember that in Chinese deals, signing the contract (the marriage in this case) is usually just the beginning of the negotiations. You can always pay the agreed amount for a few months an then have a financial crisis that ‘prevents’ payment until things balance down to a level you are comfortable with. I’d also find out what the other kids are contributing and make sure everyone is pulling their at least most of the time.
A friend of mine (very rational and western) got very upset at the financial arrangements for his wedding which (including a dowry) came out to well over NT$300K out of his pocket. But after his parents-in-law returned the dowry in the form of hefty hongbaos and the wedding receipts were all totaled, he ended up with an extra NT$100K in his pocket and a pleased wife and her parents. It doesn’t always work out this well, but what goes around tends to come around. Good luck.
Well, she does have 2 brothers and she says it is their responsability to take care of mom and dad in their retirement years, which is still some years off. I beleive I am going to have a clean break on a monthly dowery…atleast at this point as I told her I WILL NEVER pay monthly.
We plan on living in TW for 2-3 years, saving hopefully 1500 to 2000 usd monthly but will prolly be more like 1000 so when we move back to the states, I can start my own buisness. She is going to go back to school in TW during this time as well as teach…I am trying to decide what I should do…maybe take a chinese class so when she yells at me I know what kind of dirty scoundrel I am
I just thought of something. If this is a cultural issue, and I am not sure it actually is, why does her culture automatically take precedence? you will be at this wedding too.
I had to give the family some money for marrying the daughter but after the wedding the father added some money on top of it and gave it to his daughter who promptly gave it all back to me. Of course, I paid for my own cookies and photos as well as one of the dinners. The father paid for the engagement dinner, I paid for the wedding dinner.
I went along with the cookies and photos because it was important to the family although we don’t do the monthly allowance thing. In fact it has never even come up. We get requests to borrow money interest free from time to time but my wife just tells everyone we’re broke and can’t afford it.
I am going out of town for a few days so I will not be able to keep up till I come back. I can’t beleive all the ranges of responses this thread is receiving. I wonder if the issue’s I am having is because they were very rich at one time, or if it’s me that is blowing it out of proportion…hmm…something to ponder for the newt few days.
someone raised earlier about why the Taiwanese culture takes precedence in this topic. i agree. i am also in this situation (although got married a few months ago), but i am curious, how many people have tried to emphasise their own cultural arrangements in marriages.
To me, (maybe i’m generalising here) but i tend to think that many taiwanese people feel they are “superior” to other cultures and they tend to push their own cultural ideologies onto others and not allowing people to respect their own culture. Of course, everyone should protect their own cultural identity but they should also be open to other cultures as well. So in the situation of a mixed marriage, then both parties should be prepared to give and take on a few issues - otherwise one person in that marriage will never be happy.
so from that, why don’t many foreigners turn to their taiwanese wives (or future wives), or their wive’s families, and ask to accommodate our cultural needs during the wedding process?
As for me, i was lucky, i got married in Au and it was an aussie wedding and no such Tw based cultural norms were available to us (except the food the red envelopes from local people - which all went to me).
[quote=“Chris”]Don’t be fooled into thinking this bride-price “tradition” is a Chinese tradition. It’s not. It’s Taiwanese, [/quote].
Happens among Chinese in Malaysia, too. At least my wife’s family.
[quote=“Chris”]The “engagement cookies” racket is just that - a racket - with the Nu-er Hong company laughing its way to the bank for selling grossly overpriced cookies. And believe you me, US$5000 sounds horribly excessive for those cookies.
[/quote]
At least those were cheaper in Malaysia–just a few hundred bucks.
speaking of cookies, there’s always the option of the “chinese cake” (forget what’s in it) that is an acceptable alternative, and is much cheaper than the box of lousy cookies. all (2 ) of my foreign friends told me that they wouldn’t be eating the cookies if we handed them out, so it was an easy decision, as many chinese do like that “cake” thingamabob.
it’s another solution that can save quite a bit of money if there’s no way out of buying that stuff.
so from that, why don’t many foreigners turn to their Taiwanese wives (or future wives), or their wive’s families, and ask to accommodate our cultural needs during the wedding process?
As for me, i was lucky, i got married in Au and it was an aussie wedding and no such Tw based cultural norms were available to us (except the food the red envelopes from local people - which all went to me).[/quote]
because you’re in taiwan. just as when you were home you did it the way it would be done back home. i bet your wife didn’t say “no we can’t do it this way because that’s not how it’s done in taiwan” to your mom and dad–not to mention you have no “cultural needs” lol.
I agree with TempoGain, it is because you are in Taiwan!
If your wife or wife-to-be came to your country and insited on doing things the Taiwanese way, don’t you think it a bit odd? You can blend your two cultures but you are not going to get a 100% western wedding in Taiwan.
We still have not had the large ceremony, and we are saving up for it. The cookies will happen, the traditional way of things will prevail…if you want peace in the home and no resentment then allow your wife to have her day.
Yeah, sorry to add insult to injury, married guys, but the cookies just go straight in the bin. Even the expensive ones are low quality crap even less welcome than a dozen mooncakes. Can’t be arsed to spend half an hour peeling off the outrageously excessive packaging to even recycle 'em. I can get my hydrogenated fats in enjoyable ways, thank you.
Taiwanese girls throw 'em away too 'cos they’re fattening.
[quote=“Buttercup”]Yeah, sorry to add insult to injury, married guys, but the cookies just go straight in the bin. Even the expensive ones are low quality crap even less welcome than a dozen mooncakes. Can’t be arsed to spend half an hour peeling off the outrageously excessive packaging to even recycle 'em. I can get my hydrogenated fats in enjoyable ways, thank you.
Taiwanese girls throw 'em away too 'cos they’re fattening.[/quote]
low quality crap isn’t strong enough for describing these ‘things’… :s
But if the traditon is to spend 500NT$ (or even more) per box for eating unhealthy shit (even not sure if it’s suitable for dogs), then why not :s
I don’t eat all of them, but most of them. I myself think they’re a ridiculous ‘necessity,’ but other people’s ridiculous necessity is my gain. Pass them over.
[quote=“Quarters”]I agree with TempoGain, it is because you are in Taiwan!
If your wife or wife-to-be came to your country and insited on doing things the Taiwanese way, don’t you think it a bit odd? You can blend your two cultures but you are not going to get a 100% western wedding in Taiwan.
We still have not had the large ceremony, and we are saving up for it. The cookies will happen, the traditional way of things will prevail…if you want peace in the home and no resentment then allow your wife to have her day.[/quote]
that is my point - we did mix our wedding with a bit of the two cultures. but it seems to me, that many foriegners in taiwan don’t get a chance to blend their two cultures into the wedding - instead, it seems that they are “forced” to follow the taiwanese culture for their wedding. we did blend the two cultures for our event and no-one was demanding anything.
i’m not saying that people should have a 100% one sided culture - but i do think that TW people should be more open when their daughter, or even themselves, are marrying a foreigner and not simply demanding everything to be strictly TWese.
but lowered it 5 grand 
Her explination is they have a very big family, if they all show up that would be about 500+ people, including her freinds. As for the red evenlopes, her parents keep that money to offset the cost of the wedding plus make some extra cash. She keeps the ones from her freinds.
) of my foreign friends told me that they wouldn’t be eating the cookies if we handed them out, so it was an easy decision, as many chinese do like that “cake” thingamabob.