Taiwanese guys and "I love you"

Life Dating & Relationships
1

It happened again. It’s not that I’m really surprised as I know how it goes. It’s just the why that still eludes me.

What’s with young (20-something) Taiwanese guys saying “i love you” so soon?

To clarify, I’ll say this usually happens after the first time having sex. I’m not really interested in a relationship so that may or may not be the first date. So while they may be wondering why the sex happened so quickly I’m wondering why the ILY’s did.

From my experience it seems to occur with all but Western men, not just a Taiwanese phenomenon.

I know “i love you” is not a thing they say often to their parents, but what does it mean to say to a girlfriend, or some girl you just met from Tinder a few hours ago? Do they really think they are in love or is it just what they think you’re supposed to say to Western girls?

There is a small part of me that likes being able to hear that with such minimal effort, but mostly it just scares me and makes me feel like I’ve made a big mistake and that I’m in over my head. It should be noted that my Taiwanese ex (together 3 years) who turned into a controlling “psycho xian-sheng” started out like this.

2

My guess is inexperience in matters of the heart. These are young guys who have done little more than study for most of their lives, and they are mistaking feelings of lust and infatuation for love. Common mistake among teenagers in the West; it just happens later here.

3

The Taiwanese girls are the same. It’s probably cultural. Most things are. Maybe they think we need to hear it. Anyway, enjoy it when you hear it. They only say it about six times in a lifetime.

4

Not at all true.

5

Primo Amore is a …

6

[quote=“FizzyBubbleh”]To clarify, I’ll say this usually happens after the first time having sex. I’m not really interested in a relationship so that may or may not be the first date. So while they may be wondering why the sex happened so quickly I’m wondering why the ILY’s did.

From my experience it seems to occur with all but Western men, not just a Taiwanese phenomenon.[/quote]

For some/many of them it’s their hormonal response to sex and intimacy, they have low androgen binding, and lower dihydrotestosterone levels which is why their appearance is more child-like in adulthood and many do not have much body or facial hair. It’s also why they lack muscle development and… other things… and are prone primarily to these type of emotions.

I’m still laughing at the last korean guy I saw in an amateur performance, his expression while she’s trying to enjoy him, poor girl, she got tricked by the expensive good-looking haircut :roflmao:

Last study I saw the swedes had 15x the level of testosterone excretion and significantly higher affinity for androgen binding than the other study category (koreans). Does not mean they are less loving, just more virile in addition. Blacks and caucasians similarly.

7

[quote=“pgdaddy1”]

Not at all true.[/quote]

My experience too!

8

I think it’s cultural. The concept of casual dating is near non-existent and it certainly ends with sexual intimacy. So if you are dating nice guys here in Taiwan, it would be normal because that’s just how they were brought up. If you date guys who have a reputation for sleeping around, then you probably won’t get the ILY line.

Also, it is easy to say ILY to one’s family (parents) in the US, much more difficult and less common to just roll off the tongue here in Taiwan. It’s the reverse with a romantic interest. It’s just cultural.

9

I can never figure out if triceratopses (and his testosterone obsession) is for real.

Anyway it’s probably what Chris said. Basically they think it’s something they’re supposed to say. It’s a bit weird hearing something they clearly don’t mean, but what ya gonna do? If everything else is fine, why let it bother you?

And yeah, in my limited experience girls do it too (and expect it - so there’s another reason the boys say it).

10

We’ve kind of made “I love you” into a dirty phrase in the west. Instead of “I’m feeling really deeply positive about you right now and if a bear came here right now, I’d totally fight it so you could get away. I think you’re great. I may not feel that way forever, but I definitely feel it right now.” we’ve taken it to mean, “I’m taking this really seriously and I’m going to expect a lot of things from you in the future, It’s going to take up a lot of your time and energy, and if you don’t deliver, I’m going to be pissed. I’m also a person who’s incapable of managing my emotions, and I am currently piling all kinds of inappropriate emotions on you, a virtual stranger, just because we got naked together and did some stuff. I have really poor judgement.”

I’m not sure what it’s supposed to mean, but my guess is that maybe to Taiwanese, it’s more like the first one? Which, ahem, is maybe closer to the original meaning?

Also it may be that that’s just what they’ve seen on the movies and it’s what they think you expect to hear. I’ve seen this in other cultures, too- Italy, Mexico, etc, and this was on the first night of meeting, when no sex was even had.

[quote=“FizzyBubbleh”]To clarify, I’ll say this usually happens after the first time having sex. I’m not really interested in a relationship so that may or may not be the first date. So while they may be wondering why the sex happened so quickly I’m wondering why the ILY’s did.

From my experience it seems to occur with all but Western men, not just a Taiwanese phenomenon.[/quote]

I think that for some people, overwhelming feelings of “love” go hand in hand with the feelings of insecurity that come from knowing someone might leave you, or might not be available to you the way you want them to be. Stupid trick of our human brains. “If he/she might leave me, he/she must be better than me, which means he/she must be very valuable.”
I’ve had this experience with guys that I was not interested in a relationship with. It might be said that that’s a less common situation (where the man is more interested in a relationship than the woman) and I think guys kind of freak out when they’re put in that position. Or that’s been my experience.

[quote=“triceratopses”]
For some/many of them it’s their hormonal response to sex and intimacy, they have low androgen binding, and lower dihydrotestosterone levels which is why their appearance is more child-like in adulthood and many do not have much body or facial hair. It’s also why they lack muscle development and… other things… and are prone primarily to these type of emotions.

I’m still laughing at the last Korean guy I saw in an amateur performance, his expression while she’s trying to enjoy him, poor girl, she got tricked by the expensive good-looking haircut :roflmao:

Last study I saw the swedes had 15x the level of testosterone excretion and significantly higher affinity for androgen binding than the other study category (Koreans). Does not mean they are less loving, just more virile in addition. Blacks and caucasians similarly.[/quote]

Interesting discussion about chemicals. I’ve read that testosterone mitigates the effects of oxytocin, meaning that after sex, men tend to get less attached than women. If what triceratopses is saying is true, then maybe the lower level of testosteroney-type chemicals mean that these guys attach more easily.

Anyways, for their sake, please have an honest conversation about expectations with these guys before sex. Early experiences with “love” can be influential.

11

Auntie Peng’s :2cents:

  1. You just gave them an orgasm.
  2. What Hansioux said. Plus see point 1.
    … which may lead, as OP said, to psycho-nanhai, as they become addicted to the good feeling. Which Lord knows is really not that prevalent here. Too much face, to much risk, too much power play, too many disappointments and not to much pleasure -all work and no play. Not enough hugs and laughter. So when they get it…

Actually, the first person I ever heard before complaining about the ILY after sex and the over attachment was a gay friend, talking about local guys.

12

Maybe just show them a couple episodes of Friends or How I met your mother before hand, where the protagonist makes a gigantic deal and totally freaks out about saying/hearing ILY, and they’d get the cultural cue…

13

[quote=“Tempo Gain”][quote=“pgdaddy1”]

Not at all true.[/quote]

My experience too![/quote]

And my experience is the opposite. So, ‘not at all true,’ is not at all true.

14

[quote=“NonTocareLeTete”]

What defines “attach more easily” though? Judging from a social psychological stand point, I’d say being a rich douche bag has more to do with being less attached than any kind of testosterone levels. I’m referring to being less attached to married spouses of either sex.

15

Also, we have to define “attachment”. Like joined at the hip, can’t breath no space no time apart? Or wear the same clothes kind of cute pair? Up to those Asian couples -and sorry for the stereotype, yes, it happened in the ol country, but a lot less- that live in different continents yet are “married”? You know the ones, I mean, not just the he’s working in China, she’s in Taiwan with the kids, but he’s working in China, she’s in Canada with the kids. How the heck do they manage that?! I am all for independence but that’s a bit too far, pardon if off topic.

16

Not at all true.[/quote]

Amazing. Three bonus points for the key contribution.[/quote]

You state that Taiwanese girls “are the same” meaning they never or very rarely say “I love you”. A handful of times during their whole lifetime, you say.
Well that’s very far from the truth, in my experience, from being married to a Taiwanese woman and from past relationships. Hence, in my experience, “not at all true”.

17

Not at all true.[/quote]

Amazing. Three bonus points for the key contribution.[/quote]

I am sorry, I should have been more expansive (your sarcasm noted).

You state that Taiwanese girls “are the same” meaning they never or very rarely say “I love you”. A handful of times during their whole lifetime, you say.
Well that’s very far from the truth, in my experience, from being married to a Taiwanese woman and from past relationships. Hence, in my experience, “not at all true”.[/quote]

The original poster noted that Taiwanese men say, ‘I love you,’ very early into the relationship, often straight after the first sexual experience. I said Taiwanese women are the same. This means that I believe Taiwanese women say ‘I love you,’ very early into a relationship, often straight after the first sexual experience. You have misunderstood my post.

18

[quote=“NonTocareLeTete”]We’ve kind of made “I love you” into a dirty phrase in the west. Instead of “I’m feeling really deeply positive about you right now and if a bear came here right now, I’d totally fight it so you could get away. I think you’re great. I may not feel that way forever, but I definitely feel it right now.” we’ve taken it to mean, “I’m taking this really seriously and I’m going to expect a lot of things from you in the future, It’s going to take up a lot of your time and energy, and if you don’t deliver, I’m going to be pissed. I’m also a person who’s incapable of managing my emotions, and I am currently piling all kinds of inappropriate emotions on you, a virtual stranger, just because we got naked together and did some stuff. I have really poor judgement.”

I’m not sure what it’s supposed to mean, but my guess is that maybe to Taiwanese, it’s more like the first one? Which, ahem, is maybe closer to the original meaning?

Also it may be that that’s just what they’ve seen on the movies and it’s what they think you expect to hear. I’ve seen this in other cultures, too- Italy, Mexico, etc, and this was on the first night of meeting, when no sex was even had.

[quote=“FizzyBubbleh”]To clarify, I’ll say this usually happens after the first time having sex. I’m not really interested in a relationship so that may or may not be the first date. So while they may be wondering why the sex happened so quickly I’m wondering why the ILY’s did.

From my experience it seems to occur with all but Western men, not just a Taiwanese phenomenon.[/quote]

I think that for some people, overwhelming feelings of “love” go hand in hand with the feelings of insecurity that come from knowing someone might leave you, or might not be available to you the way you want them to be. Stupid trick of our human brains. “If he/she might leave me, he/she must be better than me, which means he/she must be very valuable.”
I’ve had this experience with guys that I was not interested in a relationship with. It might be said that that’s a less common situation (where the man is more interested in a relationship than the woman) and I think guys kind of freak out when they’re put in that position. Or that’s been my experience.

[quote=“triceratopses”]
For some/many of them it’s their hormonal response to sex and intimacy, they have low androgen binding, and lower dihydrotestosterone levels which is why their appearance is more child-like in adulthood and many do not have much body or facial hair. It’s also why they lack muscle development and… other things… and are prone primarily to these type of emotions.

I’m still laughing at the last Korean guy I saw in an amateur performance, his expression while she’s trying to enjoy him, poor girl, she got tricked by the expensive good-looking haircut :roflmao:

Last study I saw the swedes had 15x the level of testosterone excretion and significantly higher affinity for androgen binding than the other study category (Koreans). Does not mean they are less loving, just more virile in addition. Blacks and caucasians similarly.[/quote]

Interesting discussion about chemicals. I’ve read that testosterone mitigates the effects of oxytocin, meaning that after sex, men tend to get less attached than women. If what triceratopses is saying is true, then maybe the lower level of testosteroney-type chemicals mean that these guys attach more easily.

Anyways, for their sake, please have an honest conversation about expectations with these guys before sex. Early experiences with “love” can be influential.[/quote]

He’s talking rubbish, take it from somebody who is actually involved in the clinical side of this. Hormones and testing of such is a very finicky and little understood area of medicine. You need to relate ratios of hormones ,check for cross reactivity, check against age, sex and myriad other things…and even then there is not consensus on some basic matters such as testosterone replacement therapy (which has a huge marketing push behind it in the US to get aging males to test testo levels and buy the stuff $$$). Now it probably is useful for some, but jumping to broad conclusions when it’s clearly a cultural thing in Taiwan…don’t do it

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

19

Yeah I would be wary of trying to chalk this one up to hormones or anything physical. It’s just cultural and as was said before, it’s just something that both men and woman do when they are inexperienced in relationships and were just given a great time. The only difference here is, Taiwanese men and woman tend to be older during these “new” experiences than those in the west. So instead of it being an 18 or 20 year old infatuated with the ILY’s after the first time, it may be a 25 or 30 year old.

But if it’s happening regularly for you, I would say just take it as a compliment? You must be doing something right :slight_smile:

20

[quote=“hansioux”]

What defines “attach more easily” though? Judging from a social psychological stand point, I’d say being a rich douche bag has more to do with being less attached than any kind of testosterone levels. I’m referring to being less attached to married spouses of either sex.[/quote]
Could rich douche-baggery correspond somehow with higher testosterone levels?

Actually (and take this with a grain of salt, coming from someone who was raised very very conservatively) I think that “attaching easily” is a good trait, given that the attacher is aware of their proclivity and doesn’t throw themselves in front of busses often (sex with partners that are not known well = throwing yourself in front of a bus [emotionally] in this case). I’m sure there’s research about this somewhere but I’d imagine that those “easy-attachers” end up with more stable long-term relationships.

Of course that hasn’t worked out so well for me :ponder: but my easy-attaching is tempered with a heavy dose of paranoia.