The Jokes Thread

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Polish men and one Polish woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two American men and one American woman
Two Australian men and one Australian woman
Two New Zealand men and one New Zealand woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving - but at least the taxes are low and it’s not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for further instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both ‘bloody wankers’.

Both the New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few bottles of coconut whisky, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

Q. what`s an australian kiss?

A. a french kiss but down under.
(now laugh)

12- Pack

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ‘‘Well, you see that 3-pack? That’s for when you’re in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.’’
The son then asks his father, ‘‘What’s the 6-pack for?’’

The father replies, ‘‘Well, that’s for when you’re in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.’’

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, ‘‘Well, that’s for when you’re married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for…’’

Microsoft vs. General Motors

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

“If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,” boasts Gates, “You would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles with a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.”

In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replies, “Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?”

Abstinence

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.

“Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in B&Q either.”

A penguin is driving merrily down the road when suddenly the engine light goes on and smoke starts pouring out from under the hood. He calls AAA and gets his car towed in to a mechanic.

The mechanic tells the penguin, “It’s going to take about an hour for me to diagnose the problem.”

It’s lunchtime, so the penguin heads over to the grocery store. He chills out in the frozen foods section, nibbling on some fish sticks and having some vanilla ice cream, that sort of thing. Then he heads back to the mechanic’s shop.

The mechanic comes out of the garage bay wiping his hands, and says, “well, it looks like you’ve blown a seal.”

The penguin rubs his flippers along his beak and says, “No, no! Really! It’s just ice cream!”

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A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. He takes the note and it reads : " Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. " The dog has money in its mouth as well. The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten-dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog’s mouth.

The butcher is so impressed, and since it’s about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing, the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus. The dog then shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver’s seat, looking outside, waiting for the bus-stop to come. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop. It opens the big iron gate and rushes inside towards the door. As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy. " What in heaven’s name are you doing ? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me ! ", to which the guy responds: " You call this clever ? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog’s forgotten his key ! "

Moral of the story … you may continue to exceed onlookers’ expectations, but still fall short of the bosses’ expectations !

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Brother is “Out”

A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says, “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, “Yeah, my wife!”

Imani, I was just going to post the Panda joke ("Eats shoots and leaves). It was Mapodofu’s penguin joke that reminded me. The funniest one so far.

But Mr He, you reminded me of one.

A guy walks into the bar. Bartender asks “usual pint of bitter then?”.
“Nope”, the young chap replies, “I’ll have a creme de menthe tonight”
“What’s the special occassion”
“I just had my first blowjob”
Young fulla gets his drink and knocks it back quick fast.
“That was quick. Do you want another?”
“No thanks, if that doesn’t get the taste out of my mouth, I don’t know what will”.

The Bill Gates joke reminds me of the time my friend had a meeting in the Business/First Class lounge at LAX airport. He was waiting for his client, and he just happened to see Bill Gates at the other table. He wanders over and says, excuse me Mr Gates, I really admirew what you’ve done, and I’m just wondering if you could do me a favour"
“What is it?” replies Bill.
“Well I have an important meeting with a client in minute, and I was hoping as you left, you could just say “Hi” on you way out, to help me impress him. My names Matt by the way”
“Oh yeah, sure” says Gates
So my friend has his meeting, and sure enough, after a while Gates comes over to the table on his way out and says “Hi Matt, how’s it going”, to which my firend says “fuck off Bill, can;t you see I’m busy”.

I was also reminded of the joke about the beauty contest and the tank, but I can’t tell that here.

Brian

Dick and Joe were taking a business trip to Pittsburgh. As they were approaching the ticket counter, they could not help but notice the stunning blonde with the huge breasts behind the counter.

Dick: “Hi. We’re here to pick up two pickets to titsburgh…oh God! I’m sorry. That’d be two tickets to Pittsburgh! Geez.”

Blonde (giggling): “Sure. Your names?” etc. etc.

Once Dick and Joe were seated on the plane, Dick said to Joe “Man. I can’t believe I said that. What a moron I am.”

Joe laughs and says “Buddy, don’t worry about it. I do it all the time. Why, just this morning I was having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say ‘Honey, can you pass the jam?’ and instead I said ‘You ruined my life you fucking bitch!!’”

On the Lower East Side one very hot summer day, a young fellow buys a newspaper and goes across the street to a bench in Sara Roosevelt Park to read it. An old Jewish man is sitting on one end of the bench, fanning himself in the heat.

“I am thirsty. I am so thirsty,” the alter kocker states unhappily. “This heat…oy! I am thirsty.”

The younger man nods politely, and returns to his newspaper.

“I am thirsty. Moses in the desert was never so thirsty.”

“I am so thirsty.”

He proclaims his great thirst in a monotone, over and over again, until finally the man reading the newspaper can stand it no more. He gets up, walks purposefully across the street, buys a bottle of ice cold mineral water, returns to the bench and hands it to the old man, who is rather startled.

The young man picks up his newspaper and continues reading.

The old man raises his eyebrows in acknowledgment. He twists off the cap and takes a long pull, followed by an audible “ahhh!” of what appears to be satisfaction. The young man takes that as a thank you, and nods in return.

"I was thirsty. I was so thirsty… "

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him…what? … a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

What was the one about the Hindu doorman, Mahatma Coat?

Chastity Belt for the Crusader’s Wife

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him,

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning. “Gootness, it’s hot,” she mused to herself as she walked down Main street.

She passed by a tavern and thought, “Vy nodt?” so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

“Ya know,” Helga said, “it is so hot I tink I’ll have myself zee cold beer.”

The bartender asked, “Anheuser Busch?”

Helga blushed and replied “Vell fine, tanks, und how’s yer pecker?”

Shriveled Lovin’’

There was an old couple sitting at a table. The old man said to the old lady, “I remember 50 years ago we were sitting at this very table.”
The old woman said, “Yes, and we were probably naked as jay birds.”

The old man said, “Well, what do you say… wanna get naked?” So they both stripped.

The old woman said, “You know hunny, my breasts are just as hot for you as they were 50 years ago.”

The old man replied, “I can imagine, one is in your oatmeal and the other is in your coffee.”

Joel Schumaker (or some other big Hollywood action director) was planning to make a big budget action film based on the old Classical composers, He had signed up Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallon, and Arnold Schwarzenegger to play the main roles. Then they had to sort out who would play who

“Beethoven has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano” said Willis. “I’ll play him.”

“I’ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes,” said Stallone. “I’d like to play him.”

“So Arnold, who would you like to play”

Arnold says…

“I’ll be Bach”

How Much?
A Lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn’t pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is Andre a salesman.

“Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?”

He answers, “Madame, I’m very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to SHIT when you hear the price.”

One day in the nursing home, Old Gertie is having an interesting day. She has a towel wrapped around her neck like a cape and a pair of grannies on her head while running around the rec room naked shouting, “Super Sex! Super Sex!!”
She jumps up onto old Emry’s wheelchair. She begins shouting “Super Sex!!! Su-u-per Sex!!!” Emry, who’s half-blind and half-deaf squints at her and cups his hand around his good ear.
“Whaddusay?”
“Su-u-u-per Sex!!!”
Old Emry sniffs around a little. Finally he replies, “I’ll have the soup.”

A man is out at the golf course, waiting to tee off. There is a woman ahead of him. She loses the grip on her club as she swings it, and it hits the man. He doubles over in pain, clasping his hands in his crotch. The woman quickly runs over and says, “Oh, I’m so sorry. Here’s let me help you.” The woman opens the man’s pants and begins to adjust his parts, fondling his nuts and stroking his peener. A few minutes later, the woman asks, “Is that any better?” The man gasps, “Oh yeah, that’s great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!”