A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband paused, the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
Q: How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You don't know! You weren't there!
Q: What's the difference between Neal Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A: One's a man who walked on the moon, and the other fucks little boys in the ass.
Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A: Because sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
A ventriloquist is working down South and during his show a hick stands up and yells,"HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being stupid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!"
" Relax" said the ventriloquist, "They're just jokes!"
"I'm not talking to you, sir!" The hick replied "I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"
Long ago there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red velvet jacket."
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red velvet jacket, and, after donning the jacket, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red velvet jacket and once again vanquished the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your red velvet jacket before each battle?"
The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight, unafraid."
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and awaited his usual request.
Captain Bravo calmly shouted, "Bring me my brown corduroy pants!"
An elderly Irish gentleman named John Shawnessey is lying on his death bed, awaiting the end. He smells the aroma of chocolate-chip cookies--his favorite.
He decides that, if he must die, he is going to die with the taste of chocolate-chip cookies in his mouth. He slowly and painfully drags himself from his bed. With tremondous effort, he crawls down the stairs and into the kitchen, following the delicious aroma. He enters the kitchen, and spies a plate of chocolate chip cookies on top of the refrigerator.
Summoning the last of his strength, he claws his way up the side of the fridge and takes a cookie. Just as he is about to put it in his mouth, his wife appears and whacks him over the head with a spoon.
"Get away from those cookies, John Shawnessey!" cries his wife. "Those are for the funeral!"
Q: What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Being able to walk