The Jokes Thread


#221

Feeling the need for relaxation after the events of “The Red-Headed League”, Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson,” he said, “look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Sleepily, Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“And what does that tell you?”

Watson pondered this a moment. “Astronomically,” he said, “it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.”

Taking Holmes’s silence as approval, Watson continued with growing confidence, “Theologically I can see that the Lord is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.”

He paused, and looked over at the Great Detective. “So, Holmes, what does it tell you?”

Holmes shook his head in disgust. “Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.”


A guy moves into an apartment complex.

He’s putting his name on his mailbox when he hears a door open in the
hall. He glances towards the door and sees a gorgeous woman dressed only in a bathrobe come out.

He tries not to look at her as she gets her mail, but she engages him in
conversation.

As they talk she turns to look down the hall and her robe slips open
a tad and he can’t help but notice she is wearing only the robe.

They talk a little more, and she says, “Shhh, I think I hear somebody
coming. Could we continue this conversation in my apartment?” He agrees to this.

As they talk in her apartment, she moves and her robe falls to the floor
and he gets a good eyeful.

She then says, “Now that you’ve had a good look, what do you think is the
best part of my body?” He says, “Your ears.”

She is downright speechless but finally replies, “My ears? Look at these
breasts, look at this butt, look at my pussy. How can you say my ears?”

He replied, "Remember in the hall when you said you heard somebody
coming?

That was me!"


A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the
dark saying,

“Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his
head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score,
then clicked the light back on and began searching for more
valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard,

“Jesus is watching you.”

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking
for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot…

“Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “I’m just trying to warn you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?”

“Moses,” replied the bird.

“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?”

The bird promptly answered, “Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler, Jesus.”


#222

Knock Knock!

Who’s there?

Nobel.

Nobel who?

Nobel, that’s why I knocked!


#223

Two women friends had gone for a girls night out –
both were very faithful and loving wives; however, they
had gotten over enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and weaving home they needed to pee,
so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair
of panties and did not want to ruin them, but
was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that
had a wreath with a ribbon on it. So she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the women did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women’s husbands was concerned that
his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he
phoned the other husband and said, “These girl nights have got to stop!
I’m starting to
suspect the worst! My wife came home with nopanties!”

“That’s nothing” said the other husband, "Mine came back home
with a card stuck to her bum that said: ‘From all of us at the Fire
Station.
We’ll never forget you.’ "


#224

Mom sent me some really bad jokes in Spanish, which I’ve translated here to share the agony:

Two pals bumped into each other, and one said:
Hey buddy, where have you been? I haven’t seen you in ages!
Oh, I was taking lessons on how to get rid of the urge to smoke.
Well, from the looks of it, it didn’t work, huh?
Sure it worked!
But you’re still smoking!
Yeah, but without any urge to.

Two pals were walking along in the countryside, and suddenly one of them fell into a dark hole. His companion, worried, cried out “Pepe, are you hurt?”. To which Pepe replied: “Not yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!”

One day a little boy asked his pregnant mother what she had in her big belly.
“A child.”
“And who gave it to you?”
“Your father, dear.”
So the little boy ran into the next room where his father was, and shouted “Papa, papa, don’t give mama any more children! She EATS them!”


#225

A piece of string walks into a bar.

'Alright?" say’s the piece of string to the barman.

"Alright?’ the barman replies, a bit taken aback by the piece of string.

“Pint of your best bitter, please mate” the piece of string requests.

“Coming right up,” acknowledges the barman.

The barman takes a glass and starts pouring the bitter for the piece of string, who is looking around at the chairs and tables in the pub.

Eyeing the peice of string, the barman finally says “Oi, mate…your a peice of string, arn’t you?”

The piece of string replies

“No, I’m afraid not.”


#226

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

a gummy bear!

That’s what happens to you if you teach kids

or date someone who does.

:astonished: :help:


#227

REDNECK HAIKUS

DESIRE
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
That you are my cousin

BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps

REMORSE
A painful sadness
Can’t fit big screen TV through
Double-wide’s front door

DEPRIVED
In WalMart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll
Mama whups his ass

OPTIONS
Unemployment’s out.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability

BLAZE
Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne’s been playing with
Gasoline again

A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we’ll jig some frogs

EXUBERANCE
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil

ALONE
Seeking solitude
Carl’s ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order

HATRED
I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
God damn Jeff Gordon

OFFERINGS
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Jimmy Swaggert

DRAMA
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 O’Clock

NO SIGNAL
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
needs new descrambler

IMPOUNDED
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino

GATHERING
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man


#228

JEWISH HAIKUS

Is one Nobel Prize
so much to ask from a child
after all I’ve done?

Five thousand years a
wandering people-then we
found the cabanas.

In the ice sculpture
reflected bar-mitzvah guests
nosh on chopped liver.

Beyond Valium,
the peace of knowing one’s child
is an internist.

The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing-
got it at Loehmann’s.

In a stage whisper
a yenta confides the name
of her friend’s disease.

Jewish triathlon-
gin rummy, then contract bridge,
followed by a nap.

Scrabble anarchy
after ‘putzhead’ is placed on
a triple-word score.

The sparkling blue sea
beckons me to wait one hour
after my sandwich.

Hava nagila,
hava nagila, hava-
enough already.

Would-be convert lost-
thawed Lender’s Bagels made a
bad first impression.

Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you’ll plotz.
Five-day forecast-feh

Left the door open.
for the Prophet Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.

The shivah visit-
So sorry for your loss. Now
back to my problems.

Now that Koreans
are “the New Jews,” the old Jews
can leave for Boca.

Yom Kippur-forgive
me, God, for the Mercedes
and all the lobsters.

Hard to tell under
the lights-white Yarmulke or
male-pattern baldness?

Lonely mantra of
the Buddhist monk-“They never
call, they never write.”

No fins, no flippers
the gefilte fish swims with
some difficulty.

Yenta. Shmeer. Gevalt.
Shlemiel. Shlimazl. Tochis.
Oy! To be fluent!

Hey! Get back indoors!
Whatever you were doing
could put an eye out.

Firefly steals into
the night just like my former
partner, that gonif.

Look, Beryl! I’ve found
the most splendid tchochke for
our Chanukah bush.

Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she beams - nice, but
her son is forty.

Lovely nose ring -
excuse me while I put my
head in the oven.

After the warm rain,
the sweet scent of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?

Wet moss on the old
stone path - flat on my back, I
ponder whom to sue.

The long pilgrimage
to the venerable shrine -
Leonard’s of Great Neck.

Quietly murmured
at Saturday services,
Yanks 5, Red Sox 3.

Today I am a
man. On Monday I return
to the seventh grade.


#229

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny, “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive today if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”


#230

Ok, I read the lot and these are definitely new…=-)

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are duelling on the Death Star.
“I know what you have for Xmas Luke”
Clash, Buzz etc.
“What do you mean?”
Humm, Whoosh
“I know what you have for Xmas Luke”
Clash, Buzz etc.
“I don’t understand”
Humm, Whoosh
“I know what you have for Xmas Luke”
Clash, Buzz etc.
“What are you talking about?”
Humm, Whoosh
" I’ve felt your presents!"


Young mum has micarried numerous times and gone through untold rounds of fertility treatment. She has just had the c-section and the baby is dead. Knowing this was her last chance the Hospital administrator calls a meeting…
“So we need a volunteer to tell Mrs Jones about this tragedy”
The young Intern; Bruce pipes up “Yeah I’ll do it”
After a huge sigh of relief it is agreed.

…So Bruce rollerskates into the maternity ward holding the baby wrapped in a blanket he sails past Mrs jones’ bed and hits the wall under the window. The baby flies from his grasp and falls 20 stories to the car park.
The distraught Mrs Jones leaps from the bed unplugging all sorts of equipment as she tears to the window; seeing her infant mashed to pieces on the tarmac she starts wailing and beating young Bruce.
“You B**** you F***** B***** you killed my baby”

“April Fool Sheila” says Bruce “It was dead already!”


#231

You know you’re trailer trash when…

…you think that loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

…your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

…you think a Volvo is a part of a woman’s anatomy.

…someone in your family has died right after saying, “Hey, y’all - watch this!”

…a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 worth of improvement.

…you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.


#232

I hope this one hasn’t been posted before…Sorry ladies, tongue in cheek…

Subject: FBI Recruiting

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, “You can’t be serious, I could never shoot my wife.” The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

“This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

MORAL: Women are evil. Don’t mess with them


#233

[quote=“Drew Carey”]A man is applying for the job as piano player in a bar. The manager says, “Let’s hear you play.”
The man plays the most beautiful song the manager has ever heard. The manager says, “I’ve never heard that song. It’s so beautiful.”
“Thanks.” Says the man. “It’s an original tune. It’s called, The I’ve Got Dog Shit on My Pecker and Rover’s Done Run Off Blues.”
“Oh”, says the manager, somewhat taken aback. “Do you know any other songs?”
“Sure”, says the man and begins to play a song even more beautiful than the first.
The manager is beside himself with emotion. “Another beautiful song that I’ve never heard before!”
“That’s another original tune. It’s called The Fuck-Your-Brother Blow-a-Goat Waltz in D Minor.”
The manager thinks for a minute and says, “Okay, I’m going to hire you, but on one condition. You can never tell my customers the names of the songs you’re playing.”
So the man agrees and comes back to play that very night. The audience is stunned by his mastery of the piano and the beauty of his compositions.
He takes a break to go to the bathroom, but after he pees, he forgets to zip up his zipper. Another customer sees him and says, “Do you know your zipper’s undone and your cock’s hanging out?”
“Know it?” The man says. “I wrote it!”
[/quote]


#234

Guy goes to the village folk medicine crone, says he wants to do something to enhance his manly endowment.
She tells him to cover it with lard every night for 3 weeks and then come back and see her.
After only TWO weeks, he returns, distraught.
She asks him what’s wrong.
He says “Jeez, I’ve been doing what you told me, and, not only has it not grown, it’s SHRUNK by 2 inches!!”
She says “Hmm, that’s weird, are you sure you followed my instructions?”
He says “Yeah, every night, before I went to bed, I covered it with Crisco, just like you said!”
“You dumb sonofabitch!” she says “That’s shortening!!”


Shortening?
#235

…AAARRRGGGgggghhhh…damn witchdoctors… :bravo:


#236

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top
prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the
Best toast of the night” She said,

“Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to
spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You
know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep,and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come.”


#237

[quote=“the chief”]Guy goes to the village folk medicine crone, says he wants to do something to enhance his manly endowment.
She tells him to cover it with lard every night for 3 weeks and then come back and see her.
After only TWO weeks, he returns, distraught.
She asks him what’s wrong.
He says “Jeez, I’ve been doing what you told me, and, not only has it not grown, it’s SHRUNK by 2 inches!!”
She says “Hmm, that’s weird, are you sure you followed my instructions?”
He says “Yeah, every night, before I went to bed, I covered it with Crisco, just like you said!”
“You dumb sonofabitch!” she says “That’s shortening!!”[/quote]

That’s an old one…

A guy returns from his trip in Asia. Of course he had been screwing around so he picked up something. The first doctor he goes to tells him that it’s incurable and will need to operate.

The guy refuses and finds a second doctor for an opinion. The doctor tells him the same thing.

So, after a few frustrating days, the guy figures, if he caught something Asia then an Asian doctor should be able to help him. He finds an Asian doctor, who reassures him “No need to have it removed.” The guy sighs relief. The doctor then says “It’s gonna fall off in two weeks anyway.” :smiley:


#238

The Loving Husband…?

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
有一個男人跟他一天到晚只會抱怨的妻子來到耶路撒冷渡假。

While they were there, the wife passed away.
在渡假當中,他的妻子突然去世了。

The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000,
or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.”
葬儀社的人跟他說:您可以選擇花$5,000將尊夫人的遺體運回您的國家,
或者花 $150把她葬在這聖地耶路撒冷。

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
那人想了一會兒,就跟葬儀社的人說他要把她運回家鄉。

The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only
$150?”
葬儀社的人不解地問他說:為何您寧可花$5,000把尊夫人運回家鄉,
而不願意將她葬在這美好之地,而且花更少錢呢?

The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here,and three days later, he rose from the dead.”
那人回答:很久以前,有一個人在這裡死了,埋在這裡,過了三天,他又復活了。
(聖經記述… 耶穌死後第三天復活】

He continued: “I just can’t take that chance…”
他繼續說著:我就是不想冒這個險…


#239

[quote=“Rascal”]John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top
prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the
Best toast of the night” She said,

“Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to
spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You
know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep,and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come.”[/quote] :bravo: :bravo: :bravo:


#240

I don’t trust people with graph paper. They’re always plotting something.