The Jokes Thread


#241

What is a ninja’s favorite section of the bookstore? Stealth help


#242

Why can’t you trust atoms? Because they make up everything


#243

What is the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy and the other is a little lighter.


#244

What’s the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly


#245

How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face


#246

How many ninjas does it take to change a lightbulb?

Whoa, it’s already been changed!


#247

What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

President Trump never had a garbanzo bean on him.


#248

What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?

Fucks Funny


#249

According to a new survey, 40 percent of adults in Mexico say they would move to the United States if they got a chance. The number would have been higher, but the other 60 percent already live here.


#250

What did the Italian coffee say to the clotted cream?

“It’s hard for me to espresso myself, but I love you a latte”


#251

Who was the spiciest knight at the Round Table?

Sir Racha


#252

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity, it’s impossible to put down


#253

I know it’s late notice, but a friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl in Minneapolis in just a few hours.

They are box seats, he paid $3,500 per ticket, which includes the ride to and from the airport, lunch, dinner, a $400.00 bar tab and a pass to the winners locker room after the game.

What he didn’t realize when he bought them last year was that it’s on the same day as his wedding.

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

St. Paul’s Church in Minneapolis at 3 pm. Five feet four inches, 115 lbs. Her name is Ashley, and she’ll be the one in the white dress.


#254

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: “Well, doc, it’s like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?!”

The old man replied, “Yep. None of us could get the jar open.”