The Jokes Thread

On the Lower East Side one very hot summer day, a young fellow buys a newspaper and goes across the street to a bench in Sara Roosevelt Park to read it. An old Jewish man is sitting on one end of the bench, fanning himself in the heat.

“I am thirsty. I am so thirsty,” the alter kocker states unhappily. “This heat…oy! I am thirsty.”

The younger man nods politely, and returns to his newspaper.

“I am thirsty. Moses in the desert was never so thirsty.”

“I am so thirsty.”

He proclaims his great thirst in a monotone, over and over again, until finally the man reading the newspaper can stand it no more. He gets up, walks purposefully across the street, buys a bottle of ice cold mineral water, returns to the bench and hands it to the old man, who is rather startled.

The young man picks up his newspaper and continues reading.

The old man raises his eyebrows in acknowledgment. He twists off the cap and takes a long pull, followed by an audible “ahhh!” of what appears to be satisfaction. The young man takes that as a thank you, and nods in return.

"I was thirsty. I was so thirsty… "

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him…what? … a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

What was the one about the Hindu doorman, Mahatma Coat?

Chastity Belt for the Crusader’s Wife

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him,

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went downstairs to pick up some dry cleaning. “Gootness, it’s hot,” she mused to herself as she walked down Main street.

She passed by a tavern and thought, “Vy nodt?” so she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

“Ya know,” Helga said, “it is so hot I tink I’ll have myself zee cold beer.”

The bartender asked, “Anheuser Busch?”

Helga blushed and replied “Vell fine, tanks, und how’s yer pecker?”

Shriveled Lovin’’

There was an old couple sitting at a table. The old man said to the old lady, “I remember 50 years ago we were sitting at this very table.”
The old woman said, “Yes, and we were probably naked as jay birds.”

The old man said, “Well, what do you say… wanna get naked?” So they both stripped.

The old woman said, “You know hunny, my breasts are just as hot for you as they were 50 years ago.”

The old man replied, “I can imagine, one is in your oatmeal and the other is in your coffee.”

Joel Schumaker (or some other big Hollywood action director) was planning to make a big budget action film based on the old Classical composers, He had signed up Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallon, and Arnold Schwarzenegger to play the main roles. Then they had to sort out who would play who

“Beethoven has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano” said Willis. “I’ll play him.”

“I’ve always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes,” said Stallone. “I’d like to play him.”

“So Arnold, who would you like to play”

Arnold says…

“I’ll be Bach”

How Much?
A Lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn’t pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is Andre a salesman.

“Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?”

He answers, “Madame, I’m very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to SHIT when you hear the price.”

One day in the nursing home, Old Gertie is having an interesting day. She has a towel wrapped around her neck like a cape and a pair of grannies on her head while running around the rec room naked shouting, “Super Sex! Super Sex!!”
She jumps up onto old Emry’s wheelchair. She begins shouting “Super Sex!!! Su-u-per Sex!!!” Emry, who’s half-blind and half-deaf squints at her and cups his hand around his good ear.
“Su-u-u-per Sex!!!”
Old Emry sniffs around a little. Finally he replies, “I’ll have the soup.”

A man is out at the golf course, waiting to tee off. There is a woman ahead of him. She loses the grip on her club as she swings it, and it hits the man. He doubles over in pain, clasping his hands in his crotch. The woman quickly runs over and says, “Oh, I’m so sorry. Here’s let me help you.” The woman opens the man’s pants and begins to adjust his parts, fondling his nuts and stroking his peener. A few minutes later, the woman asks, “Is that any better?” The man gasps, “Oh yeah, that’s great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!”

Here’s one of the jokes I loved to tell when I was little…

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her boyfriend comes over, she puts her son in the closet under the stairs.
One day, she hears a car in the driveway and puts the guy in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It sure is dark in here, isn’t it?”
“Yes it is,” the man replies.
“Do you want to buy a baseball?” the little boy asks.
The man asks, “How much?”
“Twenty-five bucks,” the little boy replies.
“No way, kid!”
“I’ll scream…” says the boy so the man gives him the money.
The next week, the guy is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and puts him in the closet with her little boy.
“It sure is dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy says.
“Yes it is,” replies the man.
“Do you want to buy a baseball bat?” the little boy asks.
“OK. How much this time?” the guy asks.
“Fifty bucks,” the boy answers.
“No way!” the man almost shouts.
“I’ll scream…” The man hands over the money.

The next weekend, the little boy’s father says, “Hey, son. Go get your bat and ball and we’ll play ball.”
“I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy.
“What did you get for them?” asks the father, thinking he got cards or something.
“Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says.
“SEVENTY-FIVE BUCKS?! You cheated someone out of $75?! I’m
taking you to the church right now. You need to repent!”
The father takes the boy to church right away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain and says, “It sure is dark in here, isn’t it?”

“Don’t you start that sh!t again,” says the priest.

There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson, and a carpenter that met everyday for breakfast at a diner.

They were all married except the salesman.

When he was married, he went on his honeymoon with his wife.

The other three still met for breakfast when he was gone.

An idea came up to play some practical jokes on the new married person.

“I’ll make his bed slant so his bed will collapse when he is making love,” said the carpenter.

"I’ll hot wire his mattress so that he’ll feel immence heat while making love.’ said the electrician.

“Those are good ideas,” said the dentist.
"But I am not going to tell you what I’m going to do.’

The next day the salesman comes into the diner.

He says
"I congratulate you guys for making my bed collapse, and I thank you for making my bed really hot,

but I’m going to kill the bastard who put novocaine in the vaseline."

Deathbed confession

John was dying.
His wife, Julie, was maintaining a candlelight vigil at his bedside.
She held his fragile hand, tears streaming down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up at her and his pale lips began to move slightly.

“My darling Julie,” he whispered.

“Hush, my love,” she said. “Rest, Shhh, don’t talk.”

In his tired voice, he said, “I have something I must confess to you.”

“There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Julie.
“Everything is all right… go to sleep.”

“No, no, I must die in peace, Julie. I . . . I cheated on you.”
“I know,” Julie whispered softly. "Now close your eyes and
let the poison work.

One day in the future, George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He
immediately goes to … hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
" I don’t know what to do, " says the devil. " You are on my list, but I
have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you
what I’m going to do. Believe it or not I’ve got some folks here who weren’t
quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves. "
Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.
Inside was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and
surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
" No, " George said. " I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t
think I could do that all day long. "
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge
hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time
after time after time.
" No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony
if all I could do was break rocks all day, " commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the
floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread
eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, " Yeah, I can handle this. "
The devil smiled and said " OK, Monica, you’re free to go. "

Screaming Jesus’ post in this thread reminded me of this joke:

Two dogs were waiting at the vet’s. One was in abject misery, muzzle between his paws, whimpering. The other dog asked him, “Hey, buddy, what’s wrong?”

The dog said sadly, “Well, yesterday, my mistress was scrubbing out the oven, and she was naked, and I got all excited, and, well, you know. So I’m here for ‘the operation’.”

“Oh, gosh, that’s too bad,” said the other dog.

“So what are you here for?” asked the first.

“Well, yesterday my mistress was scrubbing the floor in the nude, and I got really excited and jumped on her, and, well, you know.”

“Oh, so you’re here for ‘the operation’ too, huh.”

“No, I’m getting my toenails clipped!”

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”
The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe.”
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, “I thought Barbie comes with Ken.”
“No,” said the little girl. “She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.”

A guy comes home from work to find his girlfriend packing.

“I’m leaving you!” she shouts.


“I found out that you’re a pedophile!”

“My, that’s an awfully big word for a 12 year-old!”

To the straightman:

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

Okay, what do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
Still no eye deer.

So then, what do you call a deer with no legs, no sex organ and no eyes?
Still no f*cking eye deer!

Two Aussies work in the city morgue. One day Bruce comes running up to Bruce and says axcitedly, “Hey Bruce, did ya see that girl they brought in this morning?”

“Which girl was that Bruce?”

“Oh, the really beautiful girl that stripped off and drowned herself in the harbour. She was a real looker.”

“Oh, yeah. She was OK I guess - but not my type.”

“Bruce, how can yer say she’s not your type. She was perfect.”

“No she wasn’t mate, she had a shrimp stuck between her legs for one thing.”

“Get away!”

“No, seriously. Come and look.”

So Bruce and Bruce go down to the freezer room, pull out the drawer containing the girl, and Bruces points.

“You see, a shrimp!”

“Mate, that’s not a shrimp! That’s a clitoris,” laughs Bruce.

To which Bruce replies, “Well it tasted like a shrimp.”

Who Is Better On The Computer?

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was
better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and
God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said,
“Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours,
and I will judge who does the better job.”

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They
moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent
faxes. They sent emails. They sent out emails with attachments.
They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made
cards. They did every known job. But 10 minutes before their time
was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder
clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word
known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity
finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed,
“It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files
from the past two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and
became irate. “Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?”

God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”