The Jokes Thread

Recreation Fun & Games
41

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but “Maxwell House”. Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said, “good, till the last drop”.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Benson & Hedges”. Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, she read from the B & H pack: “Extra Long. King Size”. She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it shaky words: “British Airways”. Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and finally and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: “Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways”.

Mom fainted.

42

Bert: Do you know what it feels like when you have to go to the bathroom really bad?

Ernie: Yeah Bert. I do.

Bert: Then would you feel me to see if I have to go?

43

What do you give to a sick bird?

Tweetment!

44

Version 1

[quote]The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend and says, “Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Tonto replies, “Me see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?” asked The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it Tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then says, “Tonto, you dumb ass, it means someone has stolen our tent.” [/quote]

Version 2

[quote]The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. After their tent is all set up, they go to sleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes his masked friend and says, “Kemosabe, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars, my friend.”

“And what does this mean?” asks Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders this for a minute, then says, "(ahem) Astronomically speaking, it means there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. At the same time, astrologically, I see that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Meteorologically, I would say we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

“What does it mean to you, my old friend?”

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, “It means someone has stolen our tent.”[/quote]

45

An old man figures his old wife is getting hard of hearing. So he calls her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, but meanwhile, there’s a simple “informal” test the husband can do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.

"Here’s what you do. Starting about 40 feet away from her, speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.

So that evening, she’s in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room, and he thinks to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away now… let’s see what happens.”

He says, “Honey, what’s for supper?” No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. “Honey, what’s for supper?” No response.

So he moves in the dining room, about 20 feet away. “Honey, what’s for supper?” No response.

At the kitchen door, ten feet away. “Honey, what’s for supper?” STILL no response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for supper?”

She turns around, and yells into his face “For the fifth time, CHICKEN!!”

46

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”

The cop asked, “What’s he like?”

The little boy replied, “Beer and women with big tits.”

47

A Brit, an American, and a Canadian walk into a bar and order 3 pints of ale. The pints are delivered, but sitting atop the frothy heads of each pint, is a fly.

The Brit winces and says “Bloody hell! A good pint wasted!” and promptly sends it back.

The American flicks the fly off the foam, shrugs, and takes a pull.

The Canadian picks the fly up, shakes it, and bellows, “Spit it out you bastard! Spit it out!”

48

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The young man working in that department told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the young man ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the young man said to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager found his employee and said, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Canada, sir,” the young man replied.

“Well, why did you leave Canada?” the manager asked.

“Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there,” said the young man.

“Really!” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada.”

“Really??? Who’d she play for?” the young man quickly replied.

49

It is the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican immigrant, enters the fourth grade.

His teacher says, "Let’s begin by reviewing some US history. Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death?” She sees a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who has his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775,” he chirps.

“Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth’”? Again, no response except from Martinez: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863,” says Martinez.

The teacher snaps at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”

She hears a loud whisper: “Screw the Mexicans.” “Who said that?” she demands. Martinez puts his hand up: “Jim Bowie, 1836.”

At that point, a student in the back says, “I’m gonna puke.” The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?” Again, Martinez says,“George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

The class breaks out with laughter. Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!” Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

With almost a mob hysteria prevailing in class, someone says, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.” Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”

The teacher faints. And as the class gathers around the teacher on the floor, someone says, “Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble!” Martinez said, “Saddam Hussein 2003.”

50

I was going to put this in the French thread, but it’s a little long and I didn’t want to completely demoralize the French in this forum.

[quote]
Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him

Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier? A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.

Q: What’s the motto of the US Marine Corps? A: Semper Fi (Always Faithful) Q: What’s the motto of the French Army? A: Stop, drop, and run!

Q. Why don’t Master Card and Visa work well in France? A. They do not know how to say “CHARGE!”

Q: What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage? A: Their armpits.

Q: What

51

My oh my Kenny, that was a long read, I never did finish, I just gave up, does that make me French?

52

While visiting his niece, an elderly man had a heart attack. The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, “I’m afraid that your uncle’s brain is dead, but his heart is still beating.”

“Oh, dear,” cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock, “We’ve never had a liberal in the family before!”

53

The “Fab Four” will love this:

Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let his friend know that he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

37OHSSV-O773H

George W. couldn’t figure it out so he typed it in and emailed Colin Powell.

Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service, the list got longer and longer.

Eventually they asked their Canadian brethren for help. A CSIS analyst took one look at it and replied:

“Tell the President to look at the message upside down.”

54

Clinton and the pope die on the same day. Due to an error the pope is sent to hell and Clinton to heaven.
Fortunately the error is noticed but it takes a while to get the paper work sorted out and correct it.

On the way up the pope bumps into Clinton who will suffer in hell from now on. He says “I am terribly sorry for that, hope the devil treated you well!?”. “Nevermind”, replies the pope,“I have waited for so long but finally I will meet the Virgin Mary”.

“I am afraid you are one day late …”

55

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

56

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn’t have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn’t have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.

57

ed, you are irrepressible. A remarkable thing: Google the phrase “male pallbearers” and you get over 200 hits, and they are all that same joke. It is now all but impossilbe to look up information on male pallbearers. The phrase has been Googlewashed. That is a remarkably popular joke, especially when paired with the Adam and Eve one.

58

My favorite Bob Hope joke. From The Princess and the Pirate.

Walter Brennan: Go talk to my brother. He’s twice as smart as I am.

Bob Hope: Oh, a half-wit eh?

59

Thank you, salmon, I think.

Here’s one that made me laugh out loud because the “police recruit” ought to be my wife

[quote]A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”

He said, “Call for backup,”[/quote]

60

This could be used to insult any notoriously stupid groups you want. Being a good-natured, self-critical American, I’ll use the Americans… wait, no, check that, I’ll use the Canucks. OH come on, like you don’t have plenty of anti-American jokes.

It had been known for a long time that Canucks were, how should we put it, dim-witted. So to disprove this theory, the mayor of Canuckistan called the whole town together in front of the international media. They were all gathered in the town square as they mayor called on a volunteer. A bright-eyed, strapping, young lad raised his hand and said “Choose me! Ya, eh?!”

The mayor invited him up to the podium and said: “This test will once and for all prove that the citizens of Canuckistan are not idiots. Tell me boy, what is 23453+3340?”

The young man scratches his head and replies: “I don’t know.”
“GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!” the crowd roars.

“OK,” says the mayor. “What’s 100+200?”

Again, the young man scratches his head and replies: “I don’t know.”
“GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!” the crowd roars.

The mayor, looking desperate, says: “OK, last one, son. What’s 1+1?”

The young man scratches his head, smiles and replies: “TWO!”
“GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!” the crowd roars.
:laughing: