“There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White
House wall and got arrested. This marks the first time a person has
gotten into the White House unlawfully since President Bush.”
—David Letterman
President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last
week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took
office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it
somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs…like
India, or Thailand, or China."
— Jay Leno
"President Bush has just one question for the American voters: “Is
the rich person you’re working for better off now than they were four
years ago?”
— Jay Leno
“The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out
round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don’t we already have
that? It’s called Fox News.”
Craig Kilborn
“A new poll says that if the election were held today, John Kerry
could beat President Bush. The White House is so worried about this,
they’re now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to
next week.”
— Jay Leno
“The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6
million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they
were off by roughly 2.6 million jobs.”
— Jay Leno
“President Bush said he was ‘troubled’ by gay people getting married
in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people
should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we’re
choosing a president…then he prefers judges.”
— Jay Leno
“The White House has now released military documents that they say
prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big
deal, we’ve got documents that prove Al Gore won the election.”
— Jay Leno
“Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn’t what it should
have been. We already knew that!”
— Jay Leno
“It’s weird watching President Bush struggle with excuses for why we
went to war. As he struggles, it reminds us all how much more
competent a liar Bill Clinton really was.”
— Craig Kilborn
“As you know, President Bush gave his State of the Union Address,
interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by really big words.”
— Jay Leno
“President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to
get the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they’re
going to need are Spanish, Thai, Chinese and Korean, because that’s
what they speak where the jobs went!”
— Jay Leno
The new Prime Minister of Spain called the war in Iraq a disaster,
and decided to bring his troops home as soon as possible. In fact,
President Bush is so upset at Spain that he is now threatening to
close down the border between Spain and the U.S.
— Jay Leno
"The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fighting contract
in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney
without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be
conceived as Cheney’s friends profiting from the war, the spokesman
said simply “‘Yes.’”
— Conan O’Brien
“Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the
details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with
unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate
amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that
up.”
— Jay Leno
“Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he
has to resign for health reasons. It’s not easy for President Bush.
He can’t just name a replacement. The guy would first have to be
confirmed by the oil, gas and power companies”
— Jay Leno
“President Bush spoke briefly to reporters before playing a round of
golf in Crawford, Texas a few days ago. This raises the question:
Shouldn’t the guy who is really running the country and who has had
all those heart attacks be taking the vacation?”
— Craig Kilborn
Back in 2000 a Republican friend warned me that if I voted for Al
Gore and he won, the stock market would tank, we’d lose millions of
jobs, and our military would be totally overstretched. You know what?
I did vote for Gore, he did win, and I’ll be damned if all those
things didn’t come true!"
— James Carville