The Joy of a Well-Timed Fart

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With apologies to Maoman, who is generally not amused by flatulence or puerile* behavior, I’d like to start a thread on the glorious art of farting. Mainly, I just need a laugh, and I find farts funny.

So if you’re of a mind to, share with us the story of the best (you define what this means) fart you have ever personally let go or the best fart you’ve ever heard someone else let go.

I’ll start.

My own best fart: When I was 21, my mom married a guy who was anti-flatulence. In my family, both mom and dad were big farters. We thought it was funny. Farting had the power to relieve tension or just add a little punctuation to whatever we were talking about. Anyway, I was home for dinner one Sunday when the step-dad calls me into his office for a very serious talk. He tells me I’ve got to stop farting so much at dinner time, that my habit of “constant flatus” as he called it, was annoying and ungentlemanly. Apparently mom hadn’t let him in on the fact that she was a champion farter from a young age. I had a hard time no laughing during this conversation, but I bit my lip and nodded my head and said I’d try not to fart so much when visiting him.

The next Sunday, my brother and sister were having a bit of an argument about something. The tension was building, as was the gas in my gut. You know that moment where an argument is about to get really tense? Well, that moment arrived, and there was just a small moment of silence. That’s when I let go with a long, sonorous fart. Everyone in the family broke up, except for my step-father, who just sat in his chair shaking his head, looking defeated.

Best fart by someone else: I’d have to say the women in my life are the best farters I know, but I won’t share a story from their rear-end stylings. The best fart story I remember was when I was riding on the MRT a few years ago. I was reading my Time magazine, trying not to listen to the conversation of the two young ladies standing in front of me. One of them let go with a stinky little explosion, and then leaned over to her friend and said (in Mandarin): “I just farted, and it really smells!” I couldn’t resist. I closed my magazine, started waving the air in front of me, and said (in Mandarin), “It is really stinky.”

You have never seen two young ladies sprint off of an MRT car in high heels quite so quickly.

*I know that laughing about farts isn’t very mature. I’m 42 years old, FFS. But just can’t help laughing about these kinds of things.

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Slow day at the office, Tomas? :smiley:

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If I’m quite (well, reasonably) sure the wife’s asleep, I enjoy letting rip with a couple of trouser-sunderers. I’ll need to watch, though. Last night I swear I made the whole bed resonate. The wife didn’t wake, but a small voice from the cot beside me piped up with “poo-poo! POO-POO! Ha ha ha!” I checked, and he definitely must have said it in his sleep, as he was dead to the world.

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But the real question lingers…(pardon the pun)…did you Dutch Oven her?

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My son is the world champion of farters. Really. And he farts each and every morning. You can almost set your watch by it. “Mom, my morning air has arrived!Fffpppptt.”

But the best story about his was when he was still less than two years old. We were at seven eleven to buy something and he farted. I didn’t hear–no one would have known if he hadn’t said, “Mommy, I farted.” He used to always tell me about every single one, too, from the moment he could say the words. (And yes, my son was very verbal, very early.)

So I just brushed him off and paid for stuff. He told me again, more instantly. I just said, “that’s okay, baby, let’s go.” So, my son says, very gravely and forcefully, while reaching back with his right hand and pointing to his bottom, “Mommy, I FARTED!” Even the people who didn’t understand his English understood him then!

My only good story about my own would be having him with me in a public toilet stall once, in America, and passing some bad air. He was still just little then, too, and he folded his little hands in prayer and said, “Dear Jesus, please help us.” The lady in the next stall just about fell out of the stall laughing so hard!"

My brother was also very good at farting, but he was more known for his eye-blistering stench. Bologna and dairy in particular just go really rotten in his guts. Once he thought it would be hilarious to chase me from room to room with his stink. It really was so bad you couldn’t be in the same room any more. But we were in a friend’s house. The friend had left on a short errand and the house still hadn’t cleared before the friend got back. Boy, was she angry at my stupid brother!

Now, having shared all this, I must admit that I don’t really think farts are particularly funny. I mean, THAT is really a guy thing. But living with my little boy, there’s just no getting around the subject. Farts are the funniest things in the world, as far as he’s concerned.

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Immense, unrelenting pressure, my friend. I’m an optimistic sort and I generally handle it well, but sometimes I need all of the cheap laughs I can get.

I had a good laugh while writing the original post (I actually wrote it weeks ago and didn’t post it). Here’s hoping a few people who need a chuckle get one out that post.

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Housecat, awfully big of you to contribute even though you aren’t an appreciator of fart humor. My mother pretends to be so, but in her heart of hearts, she enjoys a good fart joke or story as much as I do.

And for the record, it’s the musicality that I enjoy, not the scent.

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I am also a fart-frowner, especially in public, though within my family, I am the acknowledged flatulence terrorist, especially if I’ve eaten white bread that day. :runaway:

I live with a two-year old boy, so you know I put up with more than my share of fart-related giggling. This morning, my daughter ratted out my husband, who has apparently been teaching Felix to fart on command when his finger is pulled. Between that and giving Felix chocolate milk instead of water at bedtime, you can see I need to hurry home before civilized manners are COMPLETELY dispensed with… I’m scared about what I’m going to find Friday night when I get home.

Thanks for the story of the child saying “poop-poop” and laughing in his sleep… that nearly got me in trouble for laughing out loud and snorting soda at work. Good one!

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[quote=“Tomas”]Housecat, awfully big of you to contribute even though you aren’t an appreciator of fart humor. My mother pretends to be so, but in her heart of hearts, she enjoys a good fart joke or story as much as I do.

And for the record, it’s the musicality that I enjoy, not the scent.[/quote]

I’m glad you clarified that!

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When I was in high school, a group of my buddies each put 10 bucks into the pot. Whoever could fart the loudest in 4th period English took all. One morning, I was on fire and tooting them left and right. The English teacher walked to the back where we were sitting, turned 180 degrees and walked briskly back to the front. She then said, “I thought you guys were making farting sounds in the back. I guess you really are because it stinks!” Needless to say, I won.

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[quote=“Tomas”]With apologies to Maoman, who is generally not amused by flatulence or puerile* behavior, I’d like to start a thread on the glorious art of farting. Mainly, I just need a laugh, and I find farts funny.

So if you’re of a mind to, share with us the story of the best (you define what this means) fart you have ever personally let go or the best fart you’ve ever heard someone else let go.

I’ll start.

My own best fart: When I was 21, my mom married a guy who was anti-flatulence. In my family, both mom and dad were big farters. We thought it was funny. Farting had the power to relieve tension or just add a little punctuation to whatever we were talking about. Anyway, I was home for dinner one Sunday when the step-dad calls me into his office for a very serious talk. He tells me I’ve got to stop farting so much at dinner time, that my habit of “constant flatus” as he called it, was annoying and ungentlemanly. Apparently mom hadn’t let him in on the fact that she was a champion farter from a young age. I had a hard time no laughing during this conversation, but I bit my lip and nodded my head and said I’d try not to fart so much when visiting him.

The next Sunday, my brother and sister were having a bit of an argument about something. The tension was building, as was the gas in my gut. You know that moment where an argument is about to get really tense? Well, that moment arrived, and there was just a small moment of silence. That’s when I let go with a long, sonorous fart. Everyone in the family broke up, except for my step-father, who just sat in his chair shaking his head, looking defeated.

Best fart by someone else: I’d have to say the women in my life are the best farters I know, but I won’t share a story from their rear-end stylings. The best fart story I remember was when I was riding on the MRT a few years ago. I was reading my Time magazine, trying not to listen to the conversation of the two young ladies standing in front of me. One of them let go with a stinky little explosion, and then leaned over to her friend and said (in Mandarin): “I just farted, and it really smells!” I couldn’t resist. I closed my magazine, started waving the air in front of me, and said (in Mandarin), “It is really stinky.”

You have never seen two young ladies sprint off of an MRT car in high heels quite so quickly.

*I know that laughing about farts isn’t very mature. I’m 42 years old, FFS. But just can’t help laughing about these kinds of things.[/quote]

Get somebody on this thread with Irritable bowel syndrome…Amateurs

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My most memorable fart story about another person is from a few years ago.
When my family is at my grandparents house, I have to go to church to make my grandmother happy even though I normally don’t. One Easter my sisters and I chose to go to the easter vigil, even though it is 2 hours long instead of the normal 1, so we wouldn’t be under the watchful eye of our grandmother who will scold us if we’re not paying strict attention. We were about halfway through the mass standing there holding candles and listening to some reading when my sisters started giggling quietly, it wasn’t bothering me, but then people started to look at us funnily. I looked over at them, gave them the obligatory ‘stern older sister look’ and asked them to be quiet, they responded with more giggles and a “listen to the girl behind us.” I listened to what I had before dismissed as a kid quietly rambling to themselves in church, and realized the little girl was repeating over and over “I farted, I farted” to the tune of one of the songs we had recently sung. Though I normally don’t find farts funny, part of what was so funny was that no matter how hard the girl’s mom tried, she couldn’t get her to be quiet, and the girl was getting louder. I felt the giggling coming on, I tried to hold it in, but I glanced sideways at my sisters and saw their faces struggling for composure. I couldn’t hold it, I burst into laughter, not just quiet giggles but audible laughter complete with snorting. This got my sisters laughing as well and now many people were actually staring at us. Each time one of us managed to be quiet, we’d look at the others and start again. At more than one point I think we came close to singeing the clothes of the people in front of us as we were doubled over still holding our candles. Thank god my grandmother wasn’t there, I don’t know if she’d have been mortified or livid. Though the girl finally stopped saying she’d farted, my sisters and I couldn’t stop laughing until after we got home.

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I’ve got Atomic Fart on my iPhone. Perfect for elevators.

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Embouchure control is everything.

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Embouchure control is everything.[/quote]

Embouchure: the position and use of the lips, tongue, and teeth in playing a wind instrument

You fart orally? :astonished:

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Dude, that’s like the third or fourth time I’ve heard that MRT story.
Get some new material already.

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[quote=“the chief”]Dude, that’s like the third or fourth time I’ve heard that MRT story.
Get some new material already.[/quote]

I know, but that one is a classic, and not everyone reads all of my postings. I had to share.

And rather than criticize, why don’t you contribute? Surely you must have a story about some geek in Tucheng ripping a paint-peeler in a meeting or some such.

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[quote=“the chief”]Dude, that’s like the third or fourth time I’ve heard that MRT story.
Get some new material already.[/quote]

I thought it was just me that had heard the same mrt fart story. I thought it was deja vu at first, then you mentioned it. Some just like to dwell on that shiat.

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[quote=“cjc444”][quote=“the chief”]Dude, that’s like the third or fourth time I’ve heard that MRT story.
Get some new material already.[/quote]

I thought it was just me that had heard the same MRT fart story. I thought it was deja vu at first, then you mentioned it. Some just like to dwell on that shiat.[/quote]

Great contribution to the thread cjc! And a nice little insult there as well. Have you got a fart story to share?

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[quote=“Tomas”][quote=“the chief”]Dude, that’s like the third or fourth time I’ve heard that MRT story.
Get some new material already.[/quote]

I know, but that one is a classic, and not everyone reads all of my postings. I had to share.

And rather than criticize, why don’t you contribute? Surely you must have a story about some geek in Tucheng ripping a paint-peeler in a meeting or some such.[/quote]

Pfft, criticism IS contributing.
Fucking Tucheng, no puny human emission could make a dent in the toxic stench that passes for air out here.
Dude, they got TWO shifts of guys out here whose only job is to go around and piss in the back of the buses so the reek is maintained.

My kid did Dutch oven me last week, FWIW.