"The Onion" thread

#1

I love the onion. It’s writers are frickin’ hillarios.

I just read this article which made me nearly pee my pants.

[quote]Passengers Bravely Take Down Plane Showing Big Momma’s House 2
[/quote]
Share your favorite “Onion” articles

theonion.com/content/node/48747

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#2

It’s got to be the post 9/11 issue, (headline: "holy Fu***** sh**!) which IMHO was titled very appropriately for the occasion.

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#3

ANYTHING by The Cruise!! :notworthy:

[quote]Jim Anchower
The Cruise

I Guess I Got A Girlfriend
October 12, 2005 | Issue 41•41

Hola amigos. What’s shakin’? I know it’s been a long time since I rapped at ya, [/quote]

Hilarious.

theonion.com/content/columni … w/anchower

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#4

Wow. Those were fast replies.

Here is another great one.

theonion.com/content/node/43192

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#5

I don’t know. That one about the plane crash didn’t tickle me at all. I found it pretty fucking offensive, in fact, which is pretty unusual for me. I like the Cruise though.

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#6

[quote]Clinton Denies Lewinsky Allegations:
‘We did not have sex, we made love,’ says president

February 3, 1998 | Issue 33•04 [/quote]

[quote]When asked to respond to charges that he advised Lewinsky to lie, Clinton insisted that he never did any such thing.

“Let me make this perfectly clear,” Clinton said. “Never at any point did I tell Ms. Lewinsky to lie. Neither, for that matter, did I ever tell her how or where to lie. I may have said, ‘Honey, could you shift your leg over a little bit here?’ or ‘Sweetie, try arching your back a little more,’ but that is certainly not the same as telling her to lie, or advising her as to what specific position to lie down in.”

“Every time she did so,” Clinton said, “she did it completely of her own volition, opening herself to me out of the deepest love and devotion.” [/quote]

What a great job they have. I want it.

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#7

[quote]Chinese Employers To Grant 15-Minute Maternity Break

In response to international criticism of Chinese workplace inequity and labor rights, China’s National Labor Committee agreed Monday to establish an unpaid 15-minute break during the regular 18-hour workday, to allow pregnant women to “expel the child from their body, adjust to being a new parent, wash their hands, and return to work.”[/quote]

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#8

[quote]There’s No Way I’m Saving That Guy

By Jesus Christ
June 28, 2006 | Issue 42•26[/quote]

theonion.com/content/node/49844

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#9

I don’t know why, but the look on his face and the quotes under him always seem to give me a good crack up. :laughing:

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#10

[quote]
Area Homosexual Saves Four From Fire

By now a blackened, sooty, homosexual figure, Lassally set the Widmans down a safe distance from the house, just as firefighters were arriving, and collapsed on the lawn, exhausted and gay.[/quote]

theonion.com/content/node/30 … ecial=1996

[quote]
Christ Returns to NBA

Fans also eagerly await the return of Christ’s “Ascension Dunk,” a crowd favorite. In the patented move, Christ leaps His less-than-league-average 24-inch vertical, and miraculously ascends toward Heaven, floating in mid-air just long enough to stuff the ball. An accompanying angelic choir momentarily stuns His defenders as the ball comes crashing down on their heads. The move wowed audiences and judges at NBA All-Star Slam-N-Jam dunk competitions two years in a row.[/quote]

theonion.com/content/node/50 … ecial=1996

That paper just cracks me up. :laughing:

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#11

I’ve loved the Onion for years. Probably since my first year of college. This is one of my favorite headlines:

Video-Game Character Wondering Why Heartless God Always Chooses ‘Continue’

lol and there was one about a crippled boy asking God a question and God said no…I don’t remember the wording but it was hilarious in a really mean way:)

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#12

I love “American Voices” They crack me up.

Like this one:

The country’s aviation system is on high orange alert after officials broke up an al Qaeda plot to blow set off homemade bombs on flights from London to the U.S. What do you think?

Bettie Ledderer,
Nurse
“It’s a sad day for humanity when promising young men choose to turn household items into bombs rather than drugs.”

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#13

I know, I know. I already said that American voices rocks, but this one’s a hoot.

Thursday, September 7, 2006

Immigration Rallies Smaller
Labor Day immigration rallies drew fewer numbers than the marches held from earlier this year. What do you think?

Dave McTeague,
Laboratory Technician
“If it’s true that these illegal immigrants are too lazy to fight for their rights, then that just proves how American they truly are.”

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#14

God’s Gift to Women Returned

“Werner said she hopes that next time God’s feeling generous, He gives women something more useful, like money.”

Classic!

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#15

Make-A-Wish Recipient Now Wishes Macho Man Randy Savage Would Go Away

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/52287

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#16

I couldn’t resist this one as well.

If Al-Qaeda Had A Hockey Team, We’d Kick Its Ass!

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33934

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#17

Here’s your article…

[quote]SAN FRANCISCO–For as long as he can remember, 7-year-old Timmy Yu has had one precious dream: From the bottom of his heart, he has hoped against hope that God would someday hear his prayer to walk again. Though many thought Timmy’s heavenly plea would never be answered, his dream finally came true Monday, when the Lord personally responded to the wheelchair-bound boy’s prayer with a resounding no.

Enlarge ImageGod Answers Prayers

Wheelchair-bound Timmy Yu, who finally received his long-awaited reply from God.

“I knew that if I just prayed hard enough, God would hear me,” said the joyful Timmy, surrounded by stuffed animals sent by well-wishing Christians from around the globe, as he sat in the wheelchair to which he will be confined for the rest of his life. “And now my prayer has been answered. I haven’t been this happy since before the accident, when I could walk and play with the other children like a normal boy.”

God’s response came at approximately 10 a.m. Monday, following a particularly fervent Sunday prayer session by little Timmy. Witnesses said God issued His miraculous answer in the form of a towering column of clouds, from which poured forth great beams of Divine light and the music of the Heavenly Hosts. The miraculous event took place in the Children’s Special Care Ward of St. Luke’s Hospital, where Timmy goes three times a week for an excruciating two-hour procedure to drain excess fluid from his damaged spinal column.

Said Angela Schlosser, a day nurse who witnessed the Divine Manifestation: “An incredible, booming voice said to Timmy, 'I am the Lord thy God, who created the rivers and the mountains, the heavens and the earth, the sun and the moon and the stars. Before Me sits My beloved child, whose faith is that of the mustard seed from which grows mighty and powerful things. My child, Timmy Yu, I say unto you thus: I have heard your prayers, and now I shall answer them. No, you cannot get out of your wheelchair. Not ever.”

Paralyzed in a 1996 auto accident that also claimed the lives of both his parents, Timmy has served as a shining example to his fellow churchgoers at Lord In Heaven On High Church, inspiring others with his simple, heartfelt devotion. Now that Timmy has received an answer, Christians the world over are celebrating his story as a stirring testament to the power of faith.

“The Lord has answered a little boy’s plea to know if he would ever walk again, and that answer was no,” Rev. H. Newman Gunther of the San Francisco School Of Divinity said. “For years, this boy had been plagued by the question of whether or not he would ever walk, and now Our Lord, in his wisdom and mercy, has forever laid to rest any lingering doubt. Young Timmy can rest assured in the immutable truth that the Lord has bestowed upon him. Now and for all time, he finally knows that he will never escape the cruel prison of his chair of iron, for God hath willed it so. Praise be to God!”

God Answers Prayers jump

God.

Asked for comment, God said: “This kind-hearted child’s simple prayer hath moved Me. Never before have I seen such faith. His trusting soul, so full of innocent devotion to Me, hath offered seventy times seven prayers asking, ‘God? Can I please walk again?’ It was indeed right and fitting that I, in My infinite wisdom, should share with him the One True Answer to this long-repeated question he put before Me.”

“My will be done,” God added.

Witnesses to the miracle said Timmy begged God for several minutes to change His mind and heal his shattered vertebrae, but the Lord stood firm.

“God strongly suggested that Timmy consider praying to one of the other intercessionary agents of Divine power, like Jesus, Mary or maybe even a top saint,” Timmy’s personal physician, Dr. William Luttrell, said. “The Lord stressed to Timmy that it was a long shot, but He said he might have better luck with one of them.”

Despite all the attention he has received, Timmy remains humble in the face of his newfound notoriety as the only human ever to have a prayer directly answered by God Himself.

“I know that God loves me, because it says so in the Bible,” Timmy said. “So right now, I am just glad that God took the time to answer my prayer. If only I could walk, this would be the greatest day of my life.”[/quote]

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#18

lollll that’s the one. oh crap…so cruel hahahahahahaha

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#19

That Trip To Canada Really Broadened My Horizons

theonion.com/content/node/33442

:canada:

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#20

Prohibitively High Rocket-Fuel Prices Bring Mideast Crisis To Standstill

August 7, 2006

theonion.com/content/node/51351

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