They can't say NO!

Taiwan Living in Taiwan
1

Here’s a vexing problem: The Taiwanese don’t like to say “no”, so they say nothing and leave you guessing.

I’m learning Mandarin and ask Taiwanese people, at random, to meet me and help me with converstation and pronunciation. I understand if they can’t do it, obviously, because it’s an imposition on some. However, others are thrilled to help and perhaps exchange language tips.

So there’s this sweet young gal in one of my adult classes who said she would love to meet me and help. So we set up a time, and it falls through. No problem, I say, we’ll try again. But this time, I begin with a friendly mention that, if in fact she does not want to meet me, I completely understand. No, she says, she would love to meet me. So again we set up a contact time in the morning to firm up a meeting place around lunchtime.

So I text her cell and nothing. Nada. Zip. Almost two hours goes by and I finally call her. “Oh sorry,” she says. “I’m at XXXX place and blah blah blah…yada yada.” So I’m confused why she didn’t reply to my text saying the same thing. Then she says she can meet me, but much later and certainly with little time for me to make it to my afternoon class, which she knows of.

Despite this, I agree because I really enjoy Mandarin and am advancing at a resonable rate. Then I think: forget it. This gal is giving my the soft kiss off. If she wanted to meet me she would have at least replied to my text because she knew we had set up a time, and suggested another time or at least cancelled. The thing is, I had to call HER to find out why she wouldn’t answer my text.

Why can’t these people just say NO?! Why must they upset someone’s limited free time just because they are afraid to say no? I gave this gal ample opportunity to decline, yet she assured me she wanted to do it. Then at the 11th hour, she’s all apologetic and full of excuses. Because of this idiot, I missed a chance to speak Mandarin with someone else.

Sorry but I had to vent. What is it with some of these people? :unamused:

2

Please remember the rules of dating in Taiwan…
Don’t ever date your students
Don 't ever date a coworker

Don’t get your honey where you get your bread…good rule of thumb

3

[quote]Why can’t these people just say NO?! Why must they upset someone’s limited free time just because they are afraid to say no? I gave this gal ample opportunity to decline, yet she assured me she wanted to do it. Then at the 11th hour, she’s all apologetic and full of excuses. Because of this idiot, I missed a chance to speak Mandarin with someone else.
[/quote]

Maybe she DID say “No” when she didn’t a) show up and b) didn’t answer your text message.

Believe behavior more than words. In my experience, Taiwanese people don’t like to be involved in confrontations at any level, and lots of “them” deal with confrontation in a passive agressive manner, especially with people they don’t realy know.

BTW: grasshopper is dead on target: extra curricular activities with a student = bad idea, if you’re not trying to date her. I’m sure that’s what she thinks your doing.

peace
:slight_smile:
jds

4

is this the same as “don’t shit where you work”?

She seems young and immature, maybe she got a better offer, maybe she was lazy and didn

5

I don’t have this problem with people in Taiwan. If I ask for something I think is “above and beyond” my normal role with a person, people here might be more abstract with their no, but if I listen, I hear the “no”. I think you are dealing with an unreliable person, they don’t have them where you come from? :stuck_out_tongue:

6

I’ve noticed that alot of these language exchanges are now requesting pics. This is not a dating service!!!

Wonder, I’m not blamin you but it seems to be an on going and increasingly larger trend. So ya can’t blame her for being nervous or brushing it off as easy pickens.

7

[quote]Believe behavior more than words. In my experience, Taiwanese people don’t like to be involved in confrontations at any level, and lots of “them” deal with confrontation in a passive agressive manner, especially with people they don’t realy know.
[/quote]

Agreed.

8

She just wants you to chase her more. She’s hot for ya.
Try the open shirt and gold chains look. Use lots of Brut.
A toothpick is a nice touch. Sunglasses at night for mystery.

Yeah…she wants ya…she wants ya bad… :smiling_imp:

9

Tainan Cowboy, you are a bad bad man

10

[quote=“purple people eaters”]Tainan Cowboy, you are a bad bad man

11

In the immortal words of Little Richard:

[quote]She can’t help it, the girl can’t help it,
She can’t help it, the girl can’t help it,
If she walks by, the men folks get engrossed,
She can’t help it, the girl can’t help it,
If she winks an eye, the bread slice turn to toast,
She can’t help it, the girl can’t help it,
If she got a lot, of what they call the most,
She can’t help it, the girl can’t help it,
The girl can’t help it, she was born to please,
She can’t help it, the girl can’t help it,
And if she’s got, a figure made to squeeze,
She can’t help it, the girl can’t help it,
Won’t you kindly be aware, the girl can’t help it,
The girl can’t help it.[/quote]

12

Thanks for all your advice and replies, but to those who think I was trying to date this gal, you’re mistaken. If I want to date, I will date, not LE. :noway:

And as I pointed out in my OP, I asked her if she was sure she wanted to do this and she said yes. Then at the last minute, thinks up an excuse not to show. It has nothing to do with not wanting to say no, it’s just plain bad manners.

13

There was no excuse made beforehand, was there? She simply failed to show up. For your future reference, that means “no.” You see it as bad manners, but to her she’s saving everyone’s face – saving yours by not turning you down flat, saving hers by not having to face the embarrassment of saying “no” to your face. I do it all the time with clients or wannabe clients. Its what they understand. They’d be very offended indeed if was to be honest with them and tell them: “Sorry, I really don’t have time to do what you’re asking me to do,” so I play the game on their terms. It works, screwy though it might sound. :loco: Guess I just don’t understand Taiwanese culture.

14

Nicely put, Sandman.

15

I bought a book for a Taiwanese friend near Din Tai Fung on Xinyi road a few weeks ago, pretty tied up with this not loosing face culture thing

“How to Say NO” it is called. 250 pages pure explanation that you do not die of saying no

And it seems that it works. Never had so many NO NO NO’s , but at least, I do not have to ask myself anymore if I got the message right :notworthy:

16

Maybe she just finished reading “The Rules”.

17

It is impolite in Chinese culture to say “no” directly, particularly to a superior (which, if she is a student, you are). This girl is doing the polite thing to get out of a situation she does not want to be in for some reason. You cannot blame her for acting in a very good way based on the majority culture where you are living.

Instead, use this technique in your favor. Get asked to correct a huge amount of bad English writing by a set deadline? Don’t say “no”, just “fail to deliver on time”. You won’t be asked again. Want to do it in a “nice” way? Be sure to say “jin liang jin liang” [literally, ‘Do my best’] before failing to deliver the goods. In fact, in many situations it’s well known what “jin liang” REALLY means – “No way, Jose”.

This really goes against the grain with some Westerners (in my experience particularly Americans; I always like people to just say waht they’re thinking) but it’s like saying “bu hao yi si” every five seconds. You may not truly feel as though you’ve inconvenienced the other person at ALL, but it greases the wheels for you to get what you want, which is the point, isn’t it? (Except that in this particular case, if spending time with this girl or having a LE with her is what you want, doesn’t seem like it will work. :frowning: )

18

[quote]“jin liang jin liang” [literally, ‘Do my best’] before failing to deliver the goods. In fact, in many situations it’s well known what “jin liang” REALLY means – “No way, Jose”.

[/quote]
You mean there’s really more than one meaning for jin liang? :wink:

19

sandman, funny you should post in here. Your wife is Taiwanese and she has no problem saying “No” :wink:

EDIT: I was forced to use the “;)” by court order. Apparently, my use of irony and sacrasm is not clear enough so I have to use emoticons from now on :unamused: (there’s another one right there)

20

[quote=“M0NSTER”]I’ve noticed that alot of these language exchanges are now requesting pics. This is not a dating service!!!

Wonder, I’m not blamin you but it seems to be an on going and increasingly larger trend. So ya can’t blame her for being nervous or brushing it off as easy pickens.[/quote]

And you can’t blame her for thinking you were thinking of easy dickens.