Tommy's story

Life Dating & Relationships
341

Why shouldn’t she go home for a few months when she’s able? the ticket is likely expensive so a longer visit would make sense and a break can be good for everyone.

Tommy, if I were you though, I’d start budgeting because it’s likely she’ll want (need) to take a lot of gifts and such back for the fam/friends. I’ve seen a friend from Vietnam take literally suitcases full of useless trinkets home. Most were gifts, some was stuff for the family to sell to make a small profit (products not available in Vietnam). She felt it was unnecessary but knew it was expected as sort of a “look how well I’m doing” token as well as a way for the fam to brag about how well she was doing (“Oh, this? Oh, yes, my daughter brought it FROM AMERICA. Yeah, she lives there now, and she’s always bringing me expensive things hahaha. She spoils her mother now that she’s doing so well…”).
And I’m not saying this in a head shaking “she’s only after his money” sort of way. It’s easy enough for us to wag our fingers and criticize coming from the decadent west. We’ve (most of us) grown up with TOO MUCH CRAP, so it’s easy to pretend to be all zen and say that stuff doesn’t matter.

I think when you grow up in poverty, stuff does matter. Even just as a symbol. So yeah, try to figure out what her expectations are in terms of gifts and budget for that.

342

Yeah, I’m very happy to see all of the support the Tommster is getting from most of the posters.

I find the “But everything could go wrong! Have you thought about X, Y, and Z?” posts to be mostly about projecting one’s own fears and comically lacking in understanding of who the person who posts as Tommy525 actually is, while rather weirdly claiming to motivated by friendship. But hey, this is a public board and people are allowed to behave weirdly if they want to.

Tommy525, sounds like you’re having a blast. Hanging out with a woman you love who is new to your part of the world is often that way, eh? Enjoy.

343

[quote=“NonTocareLeTete”]Why shouldn’t she go home for a few months when she’s able? the ticket is likely expensive so a longer visit would make sense and a break can be good for everyone.

Tommy, if I were you though, I’d start budgeting because it’s likely she’ll want (need) to take a lot of gifts and such back for the fam/friends. I’ve seen a friend from Vietnam take literally suitcases full of useless trinkets home. Most were gifts, some was stuff for the family to sell to make a small profit (products not available in Vietnam). She felt it was unnecessary but knew it was expected as sort of a “look how well I’m doing” token as well as a way for the fam to brag about how well she was doing (“Oh, this? Oh, yes, my daughter brought it FROM America. Yeah, she lives there now, and she’s always bringing me expensive things hahaha. She spoils her mother now that she’s doing so well…”).
And I’m not saying this in a head shaking “she’s only after his money” sort of way. It’s easy enough for us to wag our fingers and criticize coming from the decadent west. We’ve (most of us) grown up with TOO MUCH CRAP, so it’s easy to pretend to be all zen and say that stuff doesn’t matter.

I think when you grow up in poverty, stuff does matter. Even just as a symbol. So yeah, try to figure out what her expectations are in terms of gifts and budget for that.[/quote]

Coming from the sort of same cultural background -must take gifts back or else…- and having family in the US that travel regularly to the ol country -mostly my emigrated aunts married to local US guys- this is what I do:

I start buying early, do not leave it for the last minute. Take advantage of sales of stuff that people back home like -brand names, stuff that is not found there or too expensive- and gather them in a piece of luggage that will hold them until the time for proper packing.

Making lists and assigning stuff may help but does not always work, so buy more than you need. I am always truck with the “but your cousin just had a baby” which cousin, what baby, what do I care about, but Mom wants me to give them a present…

Definitively, assign budget. But as Tommy’s wife to be is a savvy shopper -ROSS rules!- you can agree say 100 usd for gifts per month and she can make it a challenge/adventure, like trying to buy as many things as possible with that budget. That’ll keep her busy and less homesick as she has the illusion of giving this stuff to her beloved family members.

Oh, and requests only a month before -so if anyone gets extravagant you can say that they were out of it and you didn’t have time to get it before your flight.

Sometimes, my uncles from the States travel with my aunts. Make sure, Tommy, if you do that, to bring separate, special gifts to the in laws. Something they can brag about -which will not be necessarily expensive. But give it as coming from you. That will be awesome for them.

344

I think saving up a bit each month towards the homecoming visit is a good idea. I will limit her to the same ONE BAG rule going home, because its a long ways. And the bag she came in weighed nearly half her weight as it was. :slight_smile:

She shouldn’t have to be a pack mule on a homeward journey. haha.

I think that she will be sensible. Shes already identified that her mom will like a hand bag. Her brother needs some clothes. Luckily she doesnt often talk bout buying stuff for her sisters. I guess sister rivalry made her a bit chinzy towards them? Or talked about things for her uncles and aunties and what not. But she is close to one of the sisters, who has told her what she wants her to bring back, but shes going to pay for those items herself is what she said. So what that means is that i will be buying those things and she will be collecting and using that money while shes home.

I would imagine a few Body Shop items and a nice hand bag for mom. Some jeans, shirts , a jumper for her younger brother.

Shes got two younger brothers and one of her sisters has sort of taken over responsibilities for one of them, while she got charge of the younger one. Her (me) has been paying for much of his upkeep since he got to jkt for school earlier this year. So hes going to get some clothes. NOt sure if the other one will , possibly.

But anyhow too early to worry bout what shes taking home at this time. Considering that its likely six months to a year from now. Knowing how slow the govt has been to process paperwork.

They took 8 months to even LOOK at my fiancee application.

There has been people who have waited for a green card for several years even!

Which i hope will not be the case, because then she will demand a visit back home and i will have to pay the govt something like 350 usd for what is called “advanced parole” . Which is a filing for permission to leave the USA and return.

So basically she is stuck here until the green card is in hand.

Because i dont want to pay 350 on top of the already inflated 1150 for the green card application.

I remember back in my first marriage, the green card application was something like 160 dollars or so (going from feeble memory here) and it only took TWO WEEKS to get it. And i thought THAT was a rip off. Little did i know !

p.s. thank God this "its from AMERICA " thing no longer applies because let’s face it, nearly NOTHING is made in America anymore here. Near everything you can buy is made in China or Vietnam or Indonesia, etc.

She came across some dishes that we bought that were made in Indonesia , and she got a thrill out of that !

National pride !

345

Good stuff. Did you guys get her SSN yet? When you apply for AP, you will also apply for EAD which will allow her to work legally. It is a good option to have that EAD in case she gets bored out of her mind during the wait for the Green Card.

346

Well if my reading up is correct, we have to get hitched ASAP, then send in the ap for the green card, while also sending in the ap for a social security card . This will allow her to work while shes waiting for the green card.

There is a starbucks very close to the apt where she could possibly work?

She’d like to attend an english class first though.

Problem is i live in the burbs. WE are about ten mins drive from a community college but she doesnt drive ! And I am researching the bus to get there. Apparently if she walks like 15 mins there is a bus every 40 mins or some such.

OUtside the complex theres also a bus (doesnt run on weekends apparently) that goes to Concord , to the BART so that can get her places.

Not having a car for her makes it real hard to be mobile !

There is a driving school not far away. They could possibly pick her up for her driving class I think. Will look into that.

Getting her a car on a lease isnt too expensive. Think under 200 /month for a Hyundai or some such. She wants a Fiat 500 , which is around 200/month lease.
But insurance for her will likely be expensive. Possibly 250 or more a month !

But getting her brushed up on english is a priority and then getting her at least somewhat mobile. Shes thinking of a bike, but bike riding isnt really all that safe here either. I dont really want her riding bikes. Plus we need to wait till shes on my medical coverage at work because what if she needed some medical attention?
Any visit to a doc will break the bank here unless you have med coverage !

But maybe a bike is a solution for the short term to get her to classes nearby.

Id like to find out a bus solution first.

If we were living in San Francisco itself, then i could get her a MUNI monthly pass, which gets her highly mobile within the city.

But out in the burbs we are really dependent on our cars.

My car broke down last week (needed a new alternator) and i was totally immobile for that day. It broke down right as we got to the mall after work. Had to get a tow truck to come and tow it to the repair shop down the road and have my bud drive me home, and to the repair shop the next morning.

347

Tommy, no need to limit her. There are airline baggage limits for that. And the gift giving lessens as time goes on. So be open and generous, because it won’t last. As you said, no one wants to be a pack mule. One trip hauling the full loaded suitcase 2 or 3 airports will make her give everyone electronics then on. Cheap ones, not Apple. But she needs to get it out of her system. It is the natural evolution. You just stand on the side, smile… and try notvto snicker.

As you said, anyways, that is a one year ahead concern. Now, yes, marriage, mobility, building a life together, putting up a routine, that is far more important.

348

It’s the first time you mentioned that, Tommy. Is there anyone else in her family that you are supporting or paying money to ?

349

[quote=“Tomas”]

I find the “But everything could go wrong! Have you thought about X, Y, and Z?” posts to be mostly about projecting one’s own fears and comically lacking in understanding of who the person who posts as Tommy525 actually is, while rather weirdly claiming to motivated by friendship. [/quote]

I have never been in anything close to the kind of relationship such as Tommy is in now, so it’s not about projecting my own fears or otherwise. I don’t claim to be his friend because I never met him. However he has sent me supportive PM’s and it’s clear to all that he has a heart bigger than the San Francisco Bay, doesn’t have an ounce of cynicism inside him, and may not be able to see if someone is taking advantage of him.

Let’s imagine for one minute that we could consider ourselves to be Tommy’s friends. This being true, I would suggest that your best friends are the ones that are going to tell it to you straight, even though the truth (or at least the way they see it) is going to hurt.

There are plenty of intelligent people on here who suggest otherwise, I do seem to be out of synch so maybe I am deluded !

Anyway Tommy, like I said to you, time will tell.

350

[quote=“pgdaddy1”][quote=“Tomas”]

I find the “But everything could go wrong! Have you thought about X, Y, and Z?” posts to be mostly about projecting one’s own fears and comically lacking in understanding of who the person who posts as Tommy525 actually is, while rather weirdly claiming to motivated by friendship. [/quote]

I have never been in anything close to the kind of relationship such as Tommy is in now, so it’s not about projecting my own fears or otherwise. I don’t claim to be his friend because I never met him. However he has sent me supportive PM’s and it’s clear to all that he has a heart bigger than the San Francisco Bay, doesn’t have an ounce of cynicism inside him, and may not be able to see if someone is taking advantage of him.

Let’s imagine for one minute that we could consider ourselves to be Tommy’s friends. This being true, I would suggest that your best friends are the ones that are going to tell it to you straight, even though the truth (or at least the way they see it) is going to hurt.

There are plenty of intelligent people on here who suggest otherwise, I do seem to be out of synch so maybe I am deluded !

Anyway Tommy, like I said to you, time will tell.[/quote]

He has answered every single one of your concern-raising posts with some version of “Thanks. I’ve thought of that. Got it covered.” I think a lot of people would say to you that it’s time to give it a rest. Stop harassing him and just be happy for him.

351

[/URL]

Whopper inspects the food we bought !

I must say its pretty nice to come home to a nice home cooked meal ! EVen if its all very spicy and not super familiar to me. BUt Asian food. Yum yum. NOt something as easy to come by here versus all the good food readily available on the rock !

She sure does like Ranch 99 supermarket. She ran into two cute indonesian girls there who are studying english at the local community college. So now she knows shes not the indonesian girl around these parts.

352

Tommy,
I know how much you value my advice.

Mr. Bender’s Two Top Tips for Today

1.You don’t need to keep your breakfast cereal in the fridge.
2. Never teach your cat how to open your refrigerator.

You’re welcome. :neutral:

353

Why not keep the cereal in the fridge? I do it here because of mold/insects/etc.

A to the cat, well, yeah, that’s dangerous… with little cats. But Whopper is well, a whopper.

354

What do you mean?! He has the ability to hibernate like a bear in winter if he gets trapped inside somehow? :laughing:

355

What do you mean?! He has the ability to hibernate like a bear in winter if he gets trapped inside somehow? :laughing:[/quote]

Rather that if he gets in, no way you can close the door!

356

[quote=“Tomas”][quote=“pgdaddy1”][quote=“Tomas”]

I find the “But everything could go wrong! Have you thought about X, Y, and Z?” posts to be mostly about projecting one’s own fears and comically lacking in understanding of who the person who posts as Tommy525 actually is, while rather weirdly claiming to motivated by friendship. [/quote]

I have never been in anything close to the kind of relationship such as Tommy is in now, so it’s not about projecting my own fears or otherwise. I don’t claim to be his friend because I never met him. However he has sent me supportive PM’s and it’s clear to all that he has a heart bigger than the San Francisco Bay, doesn’t have an ounce of cynicism inside him, and may not be able to see if someone is taking advantage of him.

Let’s imagine for one minute that we could consider ourselves to be Tommy’s friends. This being true, I would suggest that your best friends are the ones that are going to tell it to you straight, even though the truth (or at least the way they see it) is going to hurt.

There are plenty of intelligent people on here who suggest otherwise, I do seem to be out of synch so maybe I am deluded !

Anyway Tommy, like I said to you, time will tell.[/quote]

He has answered every single one of your concern-raising posts with some version of “Thanks. I’ve thought of that. Got it covered.” I think a lot of people would say to you that it’s time to give it a rest. Stop harassing him and just be happy for him.[/quote]

It’s not harrassment. Tommy is posting his current life story on a public forum so people are going to give their comments. And don’t I know it ! If anyone crosses the line into harassment, cyberbullying etc. I would expect the mods to act accordingly and warn/ ban that person. Tommy has asked me to be positive and said that he would switch me to ignore if I don’t, which is his right. I won’t think any worse of him if he does. But I still have a right to post my thoughts and feelings.

Love isn’t about “having things covered” or making unilateral plans for your partner. It’s about trust, mutual understanding and making plans together.

For sure, if things work out for Tommy in this relationship I will be extremely happy for him and will also apologise to him for my misunderstanding of his fiancee.

357

You guys are so uptight lah. Loosen the tie oh. :slight_smile:

Worry bout the US govt shutdown why dont cha? The national parks closed today. People are being turned away from YOSEMITE. OH< and my ex gf kindly sent me a post which said that all VISA and Passport applications are being put on HOLD.

That means that if my deary did not get her visa the time she did, it would be STUCK now because the govt has shut down!!

Man alive. She squeezed in by the skin of her teeth. But hold on now, that also means that GREEN CARDS are not going to be processed either.

So that means if the govt shut down is permanent, she will never get her green card and can never leave???

HOTEL CALIFORNIA ??? IN CALIFORNIA ???

mama mia sito

youtube.com/watch?v=YxThOIYLhy4

358

OH and to butt into my own thread here.

Happy Birthday to the tomster ! Hip hip hooray !

Birthday cake is going to be filled with candles. Maybe should just start having ONE candle eh? Easier to blow out non?

Not sure quite what to do on my bday. But am planning an enjoyable , relaxing day with my new honey !

359

Felicidades! May you have many more happy years to come.

360

[quote=“tommy525”]OH and to butt into my own thread here.

Happy Birthday to the tomster ! Hip hip hooray !

Birthday cake is going to be filled with candles. Maybe should just start having ONE candle eh? Easier to blow out non?

Not sure quite what to do on my bday. But am planning an enjoyable , relaxing day with my new honey ![/quote]

Happy birthday mate and have a great day there !