U.S. Gulf States at Risk

With the political crisis in Haiti developing at breakneck speed, it is time for the United States to take heed of what is really happening; on one level it is just another sorry episode in the long bloody history of the oldest independent ‘black’ state in the world but there is a deeper and more worrying game afoot here.

With U.S. military resources currently stretched in Iraq, Afghanistan and the National Guard archives looking for Georgie’s attendance records, the United States has left its back door wide open.

France is talking about sending troops to Haiti to ‘restore peace’ So they say but their real mission is infinitely more sinister and the geo-political ramifications could be enormous. France, I hear, intends to station increasingly large numbers of troops and hardware on that non-Spanish speaking half of Hispaniola with a view to using Haiti as a staging post to launch, at first incursions and then later a full-scale invasion of Louisiana. They will of course be assisted by disenchanted French-speaking Cajuns who have for years been passively resisting the dominance of the Americanised Anglo-Saxons. Not merely content with having the state capital sounding French, they intend to swamp, from within Louisiana, the entire populace with WMD (Weapons of Mass Degustation) and while The English speakers are digesting their food, French troops will land ashore in New Orleans, immediately erasing the word ‘New’ and replacing it with ‘L’autre’. Baton Rouge will remain, nominally at least, the same but the armies of General Bush will be caught off-guard, seeing as their first duty to clarify whether he is currently their commander in chief or whether he has taken a few months off.

Therefore a window of opportunity opens for the forces of Francophonie to sweep up the Mississippi (sp?) and take St. Louis to be renamed Loius XIII. Simultaneously, in a gesture of solidarity, kiddie-baseball-bashing linguistic brethren from the Cold North (Montreal, Quebec) will move south, driving BSE-infected cattle before them and mollifying the older population of the Great Lakes area with cheap prescription drugs. As The Forces Of Generalissimo Bush fumble for his school report, the massed ranks of Quebecois, Montrealonions supplemented by Newfies unsure of their own linguistic origins, will be knocking at the the gates of Washington having already taken De Troit, Chic, Mille Wacquie, Boeuf 'Allo and other major population centres.

Fuelled by this surge of Latin prowess, Spanish speakers will occupy huge swathes of California, Florida and Texas, leaving them on the surface relatively unchanged. General Bush’s family will relinquish control of Florida and Gauleiter Jeb Bush will be replaced (in a pact with between France, Spain Mexico etc.) by Brigitte Bardot as Gouverneuress and the state capital will be relocated to somewhere on the beach like Miami, to be renamed Meouwmi.

And that’s just the start.

So if you think Haiti is just some silly little political spat in a fucked-up Caribbean backwater, think again.

Any thoughts?

Broon Ale!!!

I see it all now oh so clearly!!! You are RIGHT! (in both senses of the word heheheh) and those perfidious French cannot be trusted. Will they stop at nothing to take away our freedom to eat Big Macs? Rally to the cause. I suggest a street protest to march on the French trade office here to demand that they cease and desist from any further imperialist actions!!

George should call Tony. Les Rosbifs have had much success and are very adept at bashing the French. With the help of Dutch speakers in Suriname and a flourishing drugs business in Paramaribo, an Anglo-Dutch force could be assembled, destroying French Guyana on the way up and they could assist you lot in regaining your freedom from being force-fed and fed to the ducks by spiking those Pernods with a little something more potent. Sort of, ‘Space Invaders’ if you like.