Uncle Toms good old fashioned relationship advice service

Problems with a relationship? Maybe a lover spurned you, or a co-worker is poisoning your tea eggs. But you don’t want to go through the conventional channels of talking it through with the person, or actually dealing with the issue like an adult. Well, the good people at U.T.G.O.F.R.A.S. are here to help. Learn the secrets of where to apply whale grease on a disgruntled father in law. Let your mind boggle as you ldiscover the five easy steps to fixing any relationship in a way that is satisfactory to you. Allow the ‘sub-thought’ system of hypno-writing to indoctrinate your minds into a better ‘relationship you.’ Even by reading this you are scientifically 5% better at fixing relationships than you were before you opened this important thread. Lucky you, huh!

So go ahead, ask me a question, and make your day.

If you are such an expert on relationships, why are you so horny?

Is it true that if you don’t buy your TWGF the designer bag she’s asking for all the hair around your anus will turn gray?

Also, I suspect that my EX-TWGF may have been secretly feeding me birth controle pills because I keep craving midol. Is there any way to tell for sure?

One last question please, (I’m so excited to finally have someone to ask!) why does my TW boss seem so completely illogical?

What does that mean?

I’m having a long-distance relationship with a guy who I believe to be hotter, smarter, nicer and better housed than me. Seriously, he’s a ‘10’, and even with my ego, it’s hard to square it. How to proceed?

What are your qualifications?

What if I’ve got a modern problem? Will your old fashioned advice still work?

Who says your advice is good? I mean other than you? Do you have a list of references?

You call yourself “Uncle Tom”, but “Uncle Tom” doesn’t sound like someone I should look up to for advice.

And when you say it’s an “advice service”, . . . how is that any better than just advice?

And why five easy steps? Aren’t you worried about the competition undercutting you with four?

This is an excellent question, and one that requires a full answer.

I notice from your correspondence that you wrote 13 words, one comma, a question mark, and a capitalisation of the letter I in the word ‘If.’ Your destiny lies in a chest marked with the letter C, and a parrot called Jake. Give up on that legacy, it has gone. And Sally will call, but you must be patient.

Please don’t ask me how I know all this information. Just think of me as an Aquarian.

I always thought of you as a Taurus with Scorpio rising.

What does that mean?

I’m having a long-distance relationship with a guy who I believe to be hotter, smarter, nicer and better housed than me. Seriously, he’s a ‘10’, and even with my ego, it’s hard to square it. How to proceed?[/quote]

Hunny, you know you’re at LEAST a twenty.

[quote=“housecat”]Is it true that if you don’t buy your TWGF the designer bag she’s asking for all the hair around your anus will turn gray?

Also, I suspect that my EX-TWGF may have been secretly feeding me birth controle pills because I keep craving midol. Is there any way to tell for sure?

One last question please, (I’m so excited to finally have someone to ask!) why does my TW boss seem so completely illogical?[/quote]

All these questions must be answered. I sense from my most hidden chakra that you have a burden within you which attracts all these issues. There was a hamster, wasn’t there? He was called Biscuit, and as a child you treated him with indifference. From time to time you failed to laugh at his wheel spinning. Yes, let it all out housecat. Biscuit has forgiven you, and now it is time to unleash your inner magnet, and vibrate on full for the world to see. Your tears of realisation say more than real testimony ever could.

If I were to reside in Uncle Tom’s cabin, would my penis automatically grow larger?

What does that mean?

I’m having a long-distance relationship with a guy who I believe to be hotter, smarter, nicer and better housed than me. Seriously, he’s a ‘10’, and even with my ego, it’s hard to square it. How to proceed?[/quote]

Experts say that a bold action is good for confidence. I suggest you borrow an army tank, and literally storm his Venetian Castle. Anything by Take That will suffice as standard background music for the trip. And for you I suggest a lavendar handkerchief to spruce up your wardrobe. The smell will activate your inner gazelle. Bound and leap young gazelle, stop the flapping and fish storing of your current pelicanic ways.

I took a girl up to my pad and showed her my collection of skulls and chainsaws. She hasn’t called me since. What gives?

[quote=“zender”]What are your qualifications?

What if I’ve got a modern problem? Will your old fashioned advice still work?

Who says your advice is good? I mean other than you? Do you have a list of references?

You call yourself “Uncle Tom”, but “Uncle Tom” doesn’t sound like someone I should look up to for advice.

And when you say it’s an “advice service”, . . . how is that any better than just advice?

And why five easy steps? Aren’t you worried about the competition undercutting you with four?[/quote]

It’s nettle tea and a book by Robin Sieger for you. I think your life needs more structure. As you flap on the edges of a real question I wonder if you have enough B12 in your diet. Smoke some mackerel and let it cool. Eat it with warm milk, and all your doubts will be rendered void. Step 3 of my easy 5 step plan is to acknowledge that.

Why do women in porn movies love anal sex, but real women don’t?

Those are tears of sorrow and embarrassment! You’ll have to talk to Fluffy about Biscuit, but I do feel guilty for allowing them to play together. I think I’ll have to pass on your public vibration advice as that really is more of a personal and private matter. Not to mention that they send people to jail for that where I come from.

There is letter which you still haven’t written, isn’t there? Once this is done your obsession with my penis will vanish.

Chris, how many tag questions did you use when you showed her your collections? Remember, if you don’t use 8 tag questions, she just won’t stay. Next time, have your tag questions prepared, by both types of peanut butter, and think more about your menacing loom, which we talked about at my last seminar. The more you menace, the more she wants you. My infommercial ‘Speed menacing,’ will help you to brush up on this technique.

I always find that women keep staring at my plums on the MRT. Why does everyone want to taste my sugerlumps? I know my manjigglingies are larger than average, but does everyone have to treat me like a sex object?

This is one of those timeless classics. The answer lies in an after dinner mint. Offer one of those to any girl and it’s like tickling a salamander. Dead easy.

Those are tears of sorrow and embarrassment! You’ll have to talk to Fluffy about Biscuit, but I do feel guilty for allowing them to play together. I think I’ll have to pass on your public vibration advice as that really is more of a personal and private matter. Not to mention that they send people to jail for that where I come from.[/quote]

Open your windows then. Once you find your inner magnet (yours is purple by the way) you will have to put a lock on your cutlery drawer.