Unwarranted interventions. Caring or cruel?

We have all heard the line I’m saying it because I care haven’t we? Yet is this an apologists line for just being a darn stickybeak?
Today I had a very close friend tell me that person isn’t the right one for you. Of course it came with the tired cliches. [color=#0000FF]I’m not trying to stir up trouble.[/color] [color=#40BF00]I am only telling you as a friend.[/color] [color=#FF0000]Now don’t be angry but… [/color]

The situation has made me feel sad inside. At what point is unsolicited advice from friends warranted or indeed welcomed? I for one feel like breaking a certain friends jaw for them and pointing out You don’t really want to get near my fist while I’m swinging. I’m just telling you because I care.

It was really OK for this person to go ahead and tell me what I should be doing with my life according to them. Yet when I expressed my vexation I was roundly bricked in by the old I am only saying it because I care defence.

How do you feel about people telling you how to live your life especially when that person is close to you? For me it is one of life’s biggest tragedies that we can’t live and let live. And once hurt is it acceptable to intentionally hurt them back? I felt like saying to my friend You are the worst player on our team and we have been carrying you and your crappy defending for 3 years now. And it is no good saying that friends like that aren’t worth having. You don’t throw away friendships over such crass behaviour but gosh darn it I could do with some other thoughts on the matter before I throw a few lagers into the system and wake the beast.

I am slightly accustomed to this site now so I shall presume that the 90-10 ratio of crud to useful comments rule will be adhered to.

Yes, it’s crass and irritating, and because I am an idiot, I get more than my fair share of it. I think it upsets us because it also shows how little our friends actually know us.

But (and I can’t believe I’m typing this) it isn’t good to see friends cheese-grating their souls again and again and again, like they can’t see what’s right there. Do you just keep your mouth shut while your so-called pal slams her fingers in the door again?

The above does not in any way apply to me and my mother; light brown highlights and more cardio may get me a boyfriend, but I’m 34; I don’t give a sht.

Advice is just that, advice. You don’t have to take it. You don’t even have to listen to it, but you never know, someone might provide you with some insights that you hadn’t thought of yourself.

It’s often a lot easier to look objectively at and consider all the pros and cons of another person’s situation than it is to one where you yourself play a role.

This got the best laugh of the day, you kill me.
Seriously, Young Ecker, I think there is a line to be drawn, and when real potential for pain or heartache is anticipated, and we really care about the person in question, the impulse to intervene can be quite compelling.
The exquisite irony at play here, however, goes something like this:
The reason why the friend (you) may be blindly heading toward an emotional trainwreck (for the hundredth fucking time since you’ve known each other), is the very same reason why your (your buddy’s) thoroughly well-intentioned cautions are likely to fall on deaf ears…
But it usually takes at least a decade of good solid experience to get to the point where you and all your mates can just sit back and do shots and huff lighter fuel whilst awaiting the big crash.
Over and over again.
And of course, since we are not women, we don’t indulge in the I Told You So thing.
So I guess I’d counsel you to try objectively to appreciate your mate’s good intentions and resist the urge to thump him.
I’m sure he’ll be there to support you when it all goes down the khazi.

HAY!

Taking in both points:

Buttercup, Do I not have the right to live my life my way? Is it not the nature of life that what happened one day may not necessarily happen the next? It is not for definite that this person is not the one until one of the two of us deems that to be the case. It was horrible of that person to subject me to their doubts and their fears and their perceptions of who is right for me. I think it is my decision to go ahead and live my life my way unfettered by the acute paranoia of others. I should be able to tattoo my face, change my sexuality, and go around cleaning bird-poop off of cars in my free time if that is my desire. If someone finds my new behaviours undesirable then they should be the one to clear off. Instead people will just push their own personal agendas at you.

AhQ, you do have to listen to the advice. Unless it is written down it is forced into your face and your mind. Of course I can then just let it go. But that takes maturity and I am still working on that issue.

I am only saying it because I care = I want you to live your life in this way.

Of course. You have to seek to understand the motivations of one’s underlings, though.

I took some advice, recently. But only because I was going to (not) do it anyway. Why? Because I did it often enough to get badly burned and I still remember how my fingers hurt. I’ll give it a few months before I’m back to normal.

I tend not to give much advice because I am very selfish.

This got the best laugh of the day, you kill me.
Seriously, Young Ecker, I think there is a line to be drawn, and when real potential for pain or heartache is anticipated, and we really care about the person in question, the impulse to intervene can be quite compelling.
The exquisite irony at play here, however, goes something like this:
[color=#BF0000]The reason why the friend (you) may be blindly heading toward an emotional trainwreck (for the hundredth fucking time since you’ve known each other), is the very same reason why your (your buddy’s) thoroughly well-intentioned cautions are likely to fall on deaf ears…[/color]
But it usually takes at least a decade of good solid experience to get to the point where you and all your mates can just sit back and do shots and huff lighter fuel whilst awaiting the big crash.
Over and over again.
And of course, since we are not women, we don’t indulge in the I Told You So thing.
So I guess I’d counsel you to try objectively to appreciate your mate’s good intentions and resist the urge to thump him.
I’m sure he’ll be there to support you when it all goes down the khazi.[/quote]

Wow, there sure needs to be a lot of shit posted after this great consideration. It is a point well made. The more you are you, the more I will ignore you. Or in my situation: The more you are you, the more I will interfere. I agree although for me this tends to be more about friendships in crisis. A little also like when you are finally sick of the sight of your partner and every little thing they say makes you want to leap from the window of your 19th floor apartment building and hang the cleaning costs that your body will leave behind. Familiarity breeds contempt. And it is that feeling of contempt that I am left with.

Buttercup I think the opposite. Seflish people give unwarranted advcie. Unselfish people wait for advice to be sought.

[quote=“mike_rophonechecker”]

Buttercup I think the opposite. Seflish people give unwarranted advcie. Unselfish people wait for advice to be sought.[/quote]

Maybe. I don’t know. The point when friends are not fun any more then they aren’t actually friends? I think when we are younger, we try to form everlasting tribes/new families, because we consider ourselves too young/special to breed our own families? Later on, we just don’t have that need for closeness anymore, so it becaomes onerous, managing others’ expectations? Jist ideas, dunno.

Edit Facebook b*tches. Just received the following notification; 'Your friends compared you to their other friends and think you are the winner in: ‘who is crazier’. Secretly, your friends hate you or treat you as entertainment… mike, maybe you are xianging tai duo?

You have to learn how to say, “Oh, fuck it.”

Good post, chief. :thumbsup:

I spend too much time on the computer and my eyes get affected. I read that as “light brown highlights and more cardigans will get you a boyfriend.” Pretty idiosyncratic advise there mom unless she thinks you’re looking to hook up with the Proclaimers.

No problem, I stopped listening to my mother’s advice before puberty. Not cool to disrespect your mother in public, though. Although I guess I just did.

Sorry for off-topicing mike.

I have recently been spending a lot of time with someone who is “wasting” her time in a “job” that she will probably never make any money out of. She’s getting a lot of pressure from her family to change, and I’ve also stuck my nose in. I find myself agreeing with the mother that “this is not good for you.”

When we talked about it she got upset and defensive. We don’t like it when our friends insist that we are wrong. So I had my say and then shut the fuck up. She’s asked me my opinion, indirectly, a couple of times since then and each time I have replied with “you know what I think, but it’s your life” and I think that is more useful than repeating something she doesn’t want to hear.

We’ve also talked about what the benefits are even if things don’t work out in the long run. So now she feels as if her opinions and preferences matter, and she’s also thinking more analytically instead of just resisting. She might not make the choice that I would make, but she’s heard what I have to say and isn’t trying to convince me I’m wrong.

I think this is the key. It sounds like in your conversation only one person can be right. I’m finally learning to deal with stuff like this by saying “yes, you may be right, but I need to do this anyway for other reasons, so I’m right too” and life is getting easier. There’s no need to lose friends because you disagree with them.

You can have different opinions without insisting on being right. You can also ask yourself why your friend is so insistent and address the root cause rather than the symptom. If he’s anything like me then he probably has all sorts of personality problems and hang-ups. My best friends are the ones who accept my foibles and don’t take my weird behaviour personally. If you can get through the outer layer and deal with the real person underneath then you are really good friends.

Or maybe, as someone said, you’re not really such good friends and there’s no good reason to waste your time dealing with someone else’s random interference. Tell him to fuck off. I probably would.