Visiting Home: Why do we do it?

Living in Taiwan and flying 14 hours to go home. Staying back at your parents house and visiting what is left of the people and things that made up your life before you left. Maybe doing some new things and maybe getting some stuff done that you can’t do here. Otherwise, why do we do it? Shouldn’t I just move on?

I don’t really like it … but sometimes one can not let down family, solve family matters …
I go like every 3-5 years and try to include some road trips to other European cities. Taking pictures, enjoying the lifestyle. Most of the food I can get in Taiwan, at a cost … and cook it myself, enjoy a good Belgian beer.
Friends from way back are gone mostly or have their own schedule … life. Some you meet on the street or in a pub. But that’s it.

“Made” up my life? Sorry, but my friends and family are still a big part of my life and I travel twice a year to various parts of the US to see them. My friends and family are not disposable.

yeah past tense. They were a big part of my life and they still have a big place in my heart but hey, i buggered off. 15,000km is not an inconsiderable distance, even one or two years is not a inconsiderable time.
I feel really ambivalent about it. It’s not like I can’t go and visit people, it’s not like people I know and love won’t be happy to see me, its not like I won’t be able to find stuff to do or places to go, but it is like I have been there before, I did leave there and nothing much will have changed, so why bother flying half way around the work for a month then flying back?
I feel like I want my life to move on with a linear not circular progression!
Of all the places in the world I could go, and I go back to the one I spent the most time in?

[quote=“trubadour”]yeah past tense. They were a big part of my life and they still have a big place in my heart but hey, i buggered off. 15,000km is not an inconsiderable distance, even one or two years is not a inconsiderable time.
I feel really ambivalent about it. It’s not like I can’t go and visit people, it’s not like people I know and love won’t be happy to see me, its not like I won’t be able to find stuff to do or places to go, but it is like I have been there before, I did leave there and nothing much will have changed, so why bother flying half way around the work for a month then flying back?
I feel like I want my life to move on with a linear not circular progression!
Of all the places in the world I could go, and I go back to the one I spent the most time in?[/quote]

I left the U. S. in late March of 2001, and I haven’t been back since. I’d sort of like to go home and visit, but the urge just doesn’t seem to have gathered up enough strength in the past ten years to prompt me to act on it.

On the other hand, I’ve gotten the impression from reading the board that some people seem to have rich, enjoyable experiences when they visit their country of origin, and some seem to have something approaching a need to go there from time to time, or even at regular intervals; I guess for them, it’s something like a recharging of the batteries.

In the personality department (mental and emotional makeup, however you want to term it), there’s a pretty fair degree of variation on this board, so advice threads can get a little confusing sometimes. Still, it’s a good thread, and I hope some more people come around and share some stuff with you that will help you in considering and deciding.

I think that it probably has something to do with kids. I don’t have any, but it seems to me that we would want them to know their family roots. It was certainly something that my parents wanted me to have.

Of course, if your family is as nuts as mine, you might not WANT your kids to know much about them.

@charliejack I’m not really looking for advice, although you are just about right in your intuiting - I am pondering the trip.

I went back two years ago. It really set my head straight in many ways, but mainly it was a personal realization that I could go home. I’d had three or more years of wandering previous to that. So yeah, it recharged the batteries.

Now, I’ve got reasons to go back, yes personal reasons, things I wanna do, places to see, things to buy, etc. I just wonder about the appearance of circularity there. Am I being too soft, too sentimental? Too unimaginative? Although people fly half way around the world for holidays and stuff, is it right, is it sustainable to live on the other side of the world and visit home?

Does some growing up need to be done here?

I think that I am looking at a visit home but maybe the last in a while.

Btw, charliejack: do you keep in touch with home, with old friends, do you live the expat life or are you going native?

[quote=“trubadour”]Living in Taiwan and flying 14 hours to go home. Staying back at your parents house and visiting what is left of the people and things that made up your life before you left. Maybe doing some new things and maybe getting some stuff done that you can’t do here. Otherwise, why do we do it? Shouldn’t I just move on?[/quote]For me, my life is not just here in Taiwan. My life still exists in the US as well as Taiwan and it would be impossible to stay in Taiwan for an extended period of time without returning to the US on a regular basis. Conversely, it would be impossible to stay in America for an extended period of time without returning to Taiwan on a regular basis. My time is split pretty evenly between Taiwan and America.

Here’s a rough schedule of how a typical year looks for me in relation to where I am residing. Also, the time spent in Taiwan includes various weekend excursions to Japan, Guam, and Thailand from time to time, too.

Hawaii - July through August
Taiwan - September through November
Seattle - December
Taiwan - January
Hawaii - February
Taiwan - March through June

I don’t think I could ever move to one place and stay there permanently without returning to any of my other homes or cutting off ties from family or friends who live in other parts of the world.

I keep in touch with some family members and an old classmate. I’m not sure how to classify myself here: I guess an old, eccentric loner would be about right. :neutral:

Therefore, I don’t think anyone should use me as a model for addressing these kinds of questions. :laughing:

But as to the other things you said, about being soft: I don’t think it’s being excessively soft or sentimental to want to go home from time to time, or even fairly frequently if it’s doable in a given case, but even if it were sentimental, etc., so what? Those kinds of sentiments have what Darwin might call a function. They help us, you know, “make up a crowd.”

Every time I return to the US, I feel like more and more of an alien. I love my family to bits, but to be honest, I would happily return every 5 years or so and be happy with that, but my immediate family and very elderly grandparents expect yearly visits and I do it more out of a sense of duty to make them happy than anything else. When in Taiwan, I went home every two years as my husband is from the UK and we needed to visit both families, but now that I’m in the UAE I have about 4 months or so of holiday time every year and I tend to visit the States for a few weeks every summer. If I didn’t, my family’s feelings would be hurt, and as they are wonderful people whom I love dearly, it’s not worth it to me. I do enjoy seeing them, but I don’t have much in common with them or old friends there anymore and it feels tedious and stressful in many ways after the third day or so. But I do love shopping in the States and come back with about 4 or 5 check-ins every time I go…so there is an incentive in that way I guess!

In fact, we were just told that our academic calendar is changing starting this year and we will have three weeks off for the Christmas holiday…after years of thinking how lovely it would be to finally spend Christmas at home with my family (the last time I did this was in 1995), after discussing it with my husband we kind of came to the conclusion that we would much rather spend it on a skiing holiday in Europe or on safari in Africa during that time.

yeah plus i’m thinking its a huge waste of f’n money! There and back! wtf?

I haven’t been back in almost 9 years. With the exception of my sister (who spends most of her time propping up a bar) and one high school friend, none of my family or friends lives in the area where I grew up, everyone is scattered throughout Australia (family) and the wider world (friends). Going home technically doesn’t really apply I guess. :slight_smile:

I’ve been trying to get my mum to come here and have told her she has to visit us before we visit her. Hasn’t worked so far though, so we may have to go there and bring her back.

My parents stood by me through 10 long, horrific years of drug addiction. They never judged me; supported me with unfailing kindness and generosity. I mean the world to them, and they mean the world to me. I have visited with them every year that I’ve been away.

I owe them that much, and it’s not a chore. Playing golf four times a week with my own clubs and shoes is also an added attraction. :sunglasses:

I don’t want to go home this year. This summer, I want to relax. I’m just fabulously desperate for a real vacation. Of course, I also, kinda, want to go home. I mean, I’d like to see my mother. She’s in a nursing home. She’s on dialysis. BUT, the day before Ieft last year, she had a big dramatic fit, and made my life hell. I just can’t handle the stress. And I’d have to rent a car, and pay for a hotel, and mom always wants to go out, of course–and it’s just so damn expensive.

So I can see my mom and blow everything I’ve managed to save–even with airfare covered by my contract, or I can spend some money taking my son on that Disney trip I promised him four years ago, and maybe even going to Hawaii, or Thailand, or Bali for a few days, and still have something to show for the year.

And in my case, it IS pretty well a past tense kind of thing. Friends aren’t really friends any more in a more than casual way. I learned that when went home seven years ago. I had noting to go back to then, I just hadn’t realized it until I was there. There’s not much other family to speak of, and we’re not close.

But you would not believe how trully guilty I honestly do feel for not wanting to go home!

it’s interesting that for some going home means being able to properly relax while for others the opposite is true.
I’m starting to think that maybe I do not want to have all my bridges burnt and that one day I might go back if even for a year or something and I’d like people to have some kind of idea what to expect. Maybe I can try it out too.

I find it stressful because my family is always hyped up and stressed out (for no reason usually). I probably used to be the same way while growing up, but have really mellowed out since living overseas and being married to a man who lets almost everything roll off of his shoulders. Staying with my parents in the same house for 2 or 3 weeks is almost unbearable for me. There is always something that ‘needs to be done’ or some sort of drama going on and it makes me feel anxious the whole time I’m home. My sisters are the same way…hyper and short-tempered, and a bit dramatic (especially my youngest sister). Even though I love them all to bits, they drive me bananas after two days.

On top of this, they live in a very, very small town (where I grew up) and there is NOTHING to do. And whatever I do when I’m home becomes a source of family gossip that they harp on and on about because there’s nothing else to talk about. What I buy, how I spend my time, and even how I dress (i.e. not like a WalMart bum) becomes a major source of entertainment for them it seems. Oh well, what doesn’t drive us off a cliff makes us stronger I guess!

If it weren’t for my mother being not well and my wife not pushing to go, I wouldn’t go … I’d just go diving around the region or something …

I am with Housecat and Indiana on this one. I don’t wanna go home, even for a visit. And my family resents me for that. “How can you not love the place that saw you come to this world?”, they say. Well, the reasons are plenty, but mainly, the place does not love me back, it makes my life very difficult here and there. Ther are economic and time constraints. And I am afraid one day I’ll make the trip and won’t survive to see Taiwan again. It has nothing to do with them, it’s getting there and surviving there what’s the problem.

For me, it’s 28 hours of flight and 3 airplanes. Back in the good old days when I worked for an airline and flew 1st or business class -seniority has its privileges- it was a pleasure. Try 28 hours in coach. Whoever designed those seats should be shot. I am getting old, there is no way around it, flying has become more of a chore and less of a pleasure.

I have dependents here. My family is not dependent on me. They can manage prety well without me. My beloved here no. I am not happy leaving them. Back home, my family is busy with their lives, work and stuff. It is nice to go back and take note of the changes but it is also painful not to be there for the really important stuff, the daily stuff. Just stuff. Friends and classmates are mostly abroad, and we keep in touch electronically.

I mostly go to deliver presents that cannot be sent by mail, ie, too fragile. Stress? I suffer it from the airport on. I can’t live anymore on such a lawless environment. I don’t understand how many expats love it there. It’s teh wild west, so I guess only adventurous types apply. That’s not me. I got a pretty nice routine here.

And the whole trip is so expensive. I know I spend lots of money on silly stuff but man, that one is the Big Whammy. I mean, they tell me they do not visit me because it is expensive but they have one month vacations or are retired, they can stay all they want. But no, I have to rush there, less than two weeks.

In summary, I go because it is my filial duty and if possible, I avoid it as much as possible, like a visit to the dentist. This time, I am seriously considering surgery as a suitable excuse. Rant over.

I think the main thing for people who have been abroad for a while is that they have moved on in life/changed. Going home would be like living in your home country and being forced to visit home and do things the way you did them in high school.

Living abroad changes you and unless you live in some metropolitan area I just don’t think that people back home can understand your life experiences abroad.

I’m pretty homey. Being an only child, must’ve done it. When I was abroad, I used to visit once a year. The six months I have been here, I was with my parents for 6 weeks, then they came for 3 in December, and since I can’t make it back in May, they’ll be here in June for a month. Oh and My dad came for 10 days in February.

I like being with my people and sure when I go back, I realize how much I have grown away from where I was born, I can’t identify with the shitty place but once I am indoors with my parents, I feel at home. The routine there is calming, the foods, the crockery, vaguely familiar, sometimes I’ll spot an old bed sheet tucked away and it will bring memories flooding back. Then the kids, just seeing them together is a blessing. It works both ways, that I have kids and my parents can interact with them and that my parents are around so that the kids can get to know them.

I am also very grateful to my parents for making me who I am. I know they tried their best. Not that I turned out an Einstein or Cindy Crawford, but for the life lessons they gave me and understanding fully well, that there are so many bad, selfish parents out there, and they could have taken the easy way out.

If I was financially challenged or if going home was so time consuming and expensive, maybe I’d not go, but I’d always want to.