If there is anything more hilarious than goofballs separated from their families and culture, I am not aware of it. I just moved so i am stuck in an internet cafe for internet access until I get me internets installed at the new place. Normally, my internet cafe (tonghua and xinyi) is full of betel nut eating, smoking young Taiwanese gaming nerds spouting non-stop gan ni and gan ni niangs and I am the lone foreigner who gets on one of the couple of computers with “Wor-duh”.
Anyhoo, tonight i spot a rare fellow laowai in the cafe. I walk past this dude and my spidey sense for crazies goes off. First, any time I pass by him on the way to the drink area or pisser, he does that thing where you talk to yourself, but it is for other people in the area.
“Fucking thing. I hate when this bullshit happens. What a piece of crap.”
Luckily I am in the smoking area (obviously) and he is in the non-smoking area so no biggie.
Then, Just as I am getting down to work, I hear this horrendous Chinese talkedy talk in the smoking area so I look up.
“Wo shi XXXXX Laoshi. Ni jiao shenma mingzi.”
So dude is sitting next to the one cute chick that always seems to be in an internet cafe (there is never more than one). Now, like many cute chicks, she is not alone and is sitting with a couple of dudes. So dude proceeds to hit on her with the slowest, most abominable Chinese I have ever heard. Her Taiwanese dude friends were just looking around awkwardly like “wtf?” It takes a few minutes just for him to communicate that his name is motherfucking XXXXX Laoshi. He offers to teach her English and asks if she has a boyfriend. About the most stalkerish yet funny thing I have seen in quite some time.
So, finally he takes off and everyone in the room has a silent moment of connection while we telepathically communicate, “what the hell was that shit?”
About 30 minutes later our hero starts yelling like a Canadian fucktard (he just sounded Canadian, no sleight intended to my awesome maple queef buddies) that he had been writing an email for an hour and got cut off. “I paid for an hour and i wrote my email and I checked my watch and I had 5 minutes left and was about to send it and YOU cut me off. This is FUCKING BULLSHIT!!! I demand that you give me another hour so I can rewrite my email. 60 minutes is 60 minutes. That is six zero! I want to talk to nide Laoban.” That went on for 20 minutes and I guess he got his hour so he is quietly retyping his email apparently. Hopefully, he’ll do some more wacky crap soon and I will post a follow up cause I am bored of doing a translation favor for a friend of a friend writing a master’s degree on the Chinese zither.
Go Mr. Laoshi, Go!
:)
:bravo:
