before getting married, we discussed all related issues and we agreed to have everything organized in an ordinary, simply
way. Sofar got through the goverment-wedding, rings, honeymoon, and taking pictures. Due private reasons we
haven’t yet gotten our banquett.
As I (or my family) don’t have money to pay for that, we agreed she (her family) pays for that and all hongbao
goes to her family too. I don’t want any of their money, so mom keeps any profits. I pointed out that any kind
of loss they have to take too. This way I wanted to encourage them to keep it in a simple to normal way.
This week my wife told me her mother made a decision where to go. My wifes family is very far away from being rich, so I could not believe she choose one of the best hotels in town (5*). My wife doesn’t like it very much too, but she says she has to respect her mother choice. I understand that, but I am very dissapointed she broke our deal in favour to comfort her mother.
Who is more important for a tw wife - Foreign husband or still her family ?? I know I told my wife, the banquett is her business, but I am shocked the mother did not ask me if I actually like it. Mother pays so mother rules as a dictator in here ?? In fact I strongly dislike it, because those 3 hours will be a big fake, and does not present our lifestyle at all. Our guests (more than half I and probably even my wife have never seen before) just get the impression I am a rich foreigner, same goes to my parents who will fly in for this event. I don’t care the money, as hopefully the hongbaos pays all off. I just feel used, this is not my wedding-banquett at all. I am living here not very long, is this supposed to be normal ?? I feel like an actor just to move around for presentation. Actually I feel like an animal in a zoo. My tw mother really likes me, I can feel that, so I am even more surprised about her acting here. Do I have to let it go ?? What comes next ?? Mother in law give us baby-pressure ?? Mother wants to take over child-education ?? Can’t imagine she may live with us together one time in the future … How you deal with this situation ?? Suggestions ?? I just have to shut-up and let it go ?? Another example: We clearly ruled out to to buy any wedding-cookies. Now I heard her mother already ordered for HER friends and families … Zen3me5ban4 ???
Its just beginning for you. And the answer to most of your questions is - - YES.
Cover your self and your assets.
Hee hee!
Nope. Of course you don’t have to let it go. You can make a big stink and be unharmonious, so that your new in-laws will forever hate you. “Yes” is the answer to most of your other questions.
The wishes of your wife’s family is OF COURSE more important than anything you might have to say.
Bummer! The wedding banquet is usually a nice little earner. The killer in a mixed wedding is usually foreign hubby insisting on a zillion beers for his scummy mates, “and not that local rot or that crap cooking wine you have to detoxify with a whithered prune!”
And as for the family thinking you are a rich whitey, you did say this was in Taiwan, right? 
HG
Horror, after more than 6 years in a relationship, i still not dare getting married. 
Welcome to Taiwan … showing face and faking it is mostly what counts …
We paid 80K NT$ for the ‘wedding cookies’ … what a waste …
First off, congratulations, Moti
I would suggest you just go along with your mother in-law’s plans and let her have the wedding she wants for her daughter, and keep things harmonious with the in-laws. After all she said she’s paying for it. Try to enjoy yourself and be positive-your getting married.
I guess I was really lucky. My wife and I both didn’t want a big banquet, so instead we had a dinner party with just our friends attending(around 40). About a week later we had another dinner with only my wife’s immediate family, no extended family or other people. We knew everyone there and they knew us. It was a lovely evening. I have a great mother in-law and she totally respected the way we wanted to celebrate our wedding. We also did the cookie and photo thing, though on a small scale. I have good memories of our wedding because we were able to do it the way we wanted.
Good luck, Mito
Beware, though. We more or less did ours the way we wanted, too. But my memories include naked ginger-haired bright pink nutsacks pressed against the window of the restaurant. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course, but I’m pretty sure they’d have been missing if my MIL had been organizing things.
There is a Taiwanese saying… the wedding shows how well (older generation) does, the funeral shows how well you do… well it’s something like that but basically what it means is your wedding is for the parents/inlaws, but don’t worry, your funeral will be for you.
Do you know where all her mother’s friends’ children got married? Maybe they all got married in the same kind of place and they plan to have it there and get all the money they paid before, back. And maybe the hotel is not THAT much more expensive than other wedding places you can go to like the ones on Tunhwa North Road. And maybe it’s not a face thing, maybe she wants to give her daughter the best wedding day she can think of. Anyway, maybe letting her mother choose the venue will allow you to do other things down the track she doesn’t like so much, because you really made her day.
Now a days brides in the US can spend 20-40K US$ and more on an upscale wedding with a wedding planner and expensive gown …
See, you should have gotten her pregnant first.
A couple of months ago, I was hired to photograph a wedding for a TW couple. I was the only foreigner there. It was small and cheap, about 40 people, held in a basic restaurant. Good food though. I saw the bride a couple of weeks ago and she’s now looking very pregnant. She wasn’t showing at the time of the wedding.
A day later, I was a guest at a TW friends wedding. Again, I was the only foreigner, but this time I was just a guest, not the photographer. It had 200 or so people, held in a much nicer place than the wedding the day before. Good food again.
Talking to my friend later, I found out that her wedding cost a lot more, per head, than the wedding I’d been the photographer at. Weird in a way - both weddings were catered by the same company - same chefs, same waitresses, same food. A lot more money.
[quote=“asiababy”]There is a Taiwanese saying… the wedding shows how well (older generation) does, the funeral shows how well you do… well it’s something like that but basically what it means is your wedding is for the parents/inlaws, but don’t worry, your funeral will be for you.
Do you know where all her mother’s friends’ children got married? Maybe they all got married in the same kind of place and they plan to have it there and get all the money they paid before, back. And maybe the hotel is not THAT much more expensive than other wedding places you can go to like the ones on Dunhua North Road. And maybe it’s not a face thing, maybe she wants to give her daughter the best wedding day she can think of. Anyway, maybe letting her mother choose the venue will allow you to do other things down the track she doesn’t like so much, because you really made her day.[/quote]
I like what you say. I like it a lot.
OP: Don’t give in to your worst thoughts. I’m sure the mother has honourable reasons. Imagining the worst in the mother is a sure fire way to a divorce, even though it is easy to imagine the worst. You can’t understand their words (I imagine) so paranoia is your bedfellow.
You don’t fully understand their culture and traditions, so please, go with the flow on this one. I’m sure the mother has her reasons, and if you chuck a spazz it may well look really bad on you. Listen to the advice of the Taiwanese, and of Westerners who have happily married Taiwanese people (Sandman is one of these).
Good advice Tommo,
Let the Mother-in-law-to-be have her way.
I TOTALLY disagree - who is the wedding for? you or your MIL? who are you marrying and who is going to be there all the way through?
I guess your first mistake was aying you dont care about banquet and therefore said to your fiancee do what you want and hey, if thats your attitude, why should she care?
Im also planning a wedding, we wanted it small until we realised how quickly a guestlist grows, even being here a short time you’ll realise that 130-180 fills up really quickly
breakdown
foreigner friends/workmates (plus partners) = 30
foreginer family = 10
foreigner team players = 20
TW workmates = 30
TW family = 20
TW uni/HSJHS/elementary mates = 40
TW Parents guests - 30
bingo 180 - so dont forget that this happens quickly… especailly if you let your mates bring their partners… then there’s children thereof…
so youve gotta ask yourself, if youre going to invite your mates and your parents are flying over, make sure you give them a wedding!
We booked this place Chin chin http://www.77-67.com/index.htm because we can have a ceremony (trad TW being just signing a book) then tea party (when well take wedding photos) and a banquet - At the latter we decide the alcohol and food, Order of Service… then have the goodbyes and an afterparty
dont forget, a weddig is for the groom too, and if you dont put your foot down and get what you want, you never will… that will cause bitterness to swell up inside you and eventually her family will just piss you off because you’ve shown them that you dont mind…
family’s thoughts “if he doesnt care about his own wedding so why should he care about CNY, of xmas so much?! or his kids school…”
also not taking any of the risk of the wedding is a BIG NO NO - yes its a gamble, but if you dont have the money to get hithed you need to consider how to raise it and make sure you can cover 90% at least of the cermemnoy - that will keep it small and stop you spunking ridiculous money on the souvenirs and invitations (150 guests, 100 nt on the invitation, not much thats ok, plus 800 for cookies, oh and we’d like a candle, oh and those bears are so cute, thats only 80 for candlke and 80 for bears… so 1060 per guest… holy shit! that oiver 150,000 NT!!!bam! 3 months salary
also as a warning - if the family goes broke for your wedding, youre expected to ‘pay the debt back’ so even if they lose, you lose, your wifes earning will go to her family to pay them off and then how are you going to afford house, kids, holiday… trip to see your folkes!!!
be careful and make sure you get what you wish for… which at the moment is …
[quote=“MoTi”]Due private reasons we haven’t yet gotten our banquett.
As I (or my family) don’t have money to pay for that, we agreed she (her family) pays for that and all hongbao
goes to her family too.[/quote]
Standard procedure here. The practical purpose of the hongbao is to defray the costs of the banquet.
[quote=“Belgian Pie”]Welcome to Taiwan … showing face and faking it is mostly what counts …
We paid 80K NT$ for the ‘wedding cookies’ … what a waste …[/quote]
I feel your pain! Same here!
[quote=“Taiwanderer”][quote=“Belgian Pie”]Welcome to Taiwan … showing face and faking it is mostly what counts …
We paid 80K NT$ for the ‘wedding cookies’ … what a waste …[/quote]
I feel your pain! Same here![/quote]
The whole “wedding cookies” thing is a racket.
different cultures, different rackets!
[quote=“Chris”][quote=“Taiwanderer”][quote=“Belgian Pie”]Welcome to Taiwan … showing face and faking it is mostly what counts …
We paid 80K NT$ for the ‘wedding cookies’ … what a waste …[/quote]
I feel your pain! Same here![/quote]
The whole “wedding cookies” thing is a racket.[/quote]
I was totally flabbergasted by it the 1st time I learned of it! UNBELIEVABLE!! We NEED that money for NEEDFUL things! Geeeshhh!!