Good idea robert.
You learn fast grasshopper :discodance:
[quote=“robert”]hi all,
I am currently having some doubts with my TW girlfriend. The thing is we met in Australia, had dated for 6 months during that time (lived together for 4 months) and she went back to Taiwan about a month ago due to her visa expiring. She doesn’t like Asian guys and told me she doesn’t want to be with any of the ‘whites’ in her country because they only stay a short time there. I would like to think we are in a serious relationship and the issue of marriage has popped up now and then (mostly in a jokingly fashion).
Anyways the thing is soon I will be traveling and staying for 3 months so as to have a look around taiwan and possibly deepen the relationship. I know she doesn’t always get on with her family because she has mainly different opinions with them about a range of issues. My family know the whole deal about me going to Taiwan for the sake of her and they already assume that this relationship is something for the long term. However one thing that had been bugging me is that she hasn’t told anyone in her family yet that I even exist! No matter how far i push the issue she always dodges it cleverly. Is it a cultural thing? Am I missing something big here?
I have been trying to get some information about this and one friend told me she was still waiting to see if I was a worthy to introduce to her parents, because over there it means a potential marriage partner!!! 
[/quote]
Perhaps the real issue is not the fact that she hasn’t told her parents about you. The real issue is the fact that she is not open, honest, and communicative about why she hasn’t done so whenever you probed.
Being a Taiwanese woman myself, I would not see it as a warning sign in terms of your GF not letting her parents know about you yet. This might have to do with many Taiwanese parents, like mine, who see every man I’m dating as a potential marriage partner. I knew very well that my parents would start ‘interrogate’ me about how committed he is (“is he serious with you?”), his job, how much he earns, his asset (having his own house or not), any alarming habits etc. as soon as I tell them about this special someone. And they would start worry about my future with a foreign guy blah blah blah. To save the hassle, I would not tell my parents about having a partner until I feel certain this relationship is leading somewhere towards a lifelong future together. As a result, my fiance is the first man (the third man in my life) I have ever told my parents. When I told them about him, it was 3 months after we became a couple.
On the other hand, my boyfriend (then fiance) already told his parents about me the first time we met and told his family firsthand when we become a couple. I felt sweet and acknowledged. However, he had never pressed/expected me to do the same. Having said that, I told him openly and honestly why I had my reservation of acknowledging him to my parents due to the above reasons. He understood and waited patiently until I felt it’s time to acknowlege him to my parents. The situation is very similar to his marriage proposal. I told my parents about him proposing to me 2 months AFTER our engagement whereas he emailed his entire family about the exciting news on the same day. I did not dare to tell my parents we ARE engaged because he has not come to meet/visit my parents yet to ask for their approval. I only dared to tell them that he recently asked me to marry him (and I said yes) and that he will come to Taiwan in August to visit & ask them if they are happy to say ‘yes’ to his proposal (our marriage).
My point is:
It is very important to have an open and honest communication between a couple in a committed relationship. You said, “No matter how far i push the issue she always dodges it cleverly.” which does not sound like maintaining an open and honest communication in your relationship on this regard.
On the surface level, it is related to (domestic) cultural differences. At the core, it really is about communicating openly and honestly about everything and anything that bothers either of you. Why does she keep avoiding ‘why’ question? Is this her habitual way of responding to something tangible?
Good luck!
[quote=“robert”]I have decided to leave the issue entirely alone unless it is brought up by her but also being a bit cautious too and taking it how it is, an awesome 3 month holiday in a place I have hardly ever heard about before (except on the news!). I mean who in their right mind would I want to meet the parents anyways?
thanks for the advice[/quote]
Exactly and actually even if the parents do quite like you, you can still lose her because she doesnt like you enough (happened to me). So , make sure she is the one thats still cooking about you. YOu are not after all marrying the parents.
ITs nice and all that to have the parents on your side early on, but having her on your side early on, right now and forseeably in the future is your goal.
You are an adult so you should not NEED you parents approval. Parents should also respect the choices their adult childrean make, as most often they know stuff all about the people their children date.
After all tt’s not like you are choosing a well known brand of hand soap. Too many times interfering parents have been the cause of many a relationship breaking up.
If you care about her just do what she wants. You are gonna spend the rest of your life doing what she wants, so why not just start now?
Too right. And the sooner you get a handle on practicing how to get out of doing what she wants the better. Not that you’ll succeed, of course, but once you’ve been there a while, the mere CONCEPT can be empowering.
[quote=“Peace”][quote=“robert”]hi all,
I am currently having some doubts with my TW girlfriend. The thing is we met in Australia, had dated for 6 months during that time (lived together for 4 months) and she went back to Taiwan about a month ago due to her visa expiring. She doesn’t like Asian guys and told me she doesn’t want to be with any of the ‘whites’ in her country because they only stay a short time there. I would like to think we are in a serious relationship and the issue of marriage has popped up now and then (mostly in a jokingly fashion).
Anyways the thing is soon I will be traveling and staying for 3 months so as to have a look around taiwan and possibly deepen the relationship. I know she doesn’t always get on with her family because she has mainly different opinions with them about a range of issues. My family know the whole deal about me going to Taiwan for the sake of her and they already assume that this relationship is something for the long term. However one thing that had been bugging me is that she hasn’t told anyone in her family yet that I even exist! No matter how far i push the issue she always dodges it cleverly. Is it a cultural thing? Am I missing something big here?
I have been trying to get some information about this and one friend told me she was still waiting to see if I was a worthy to introduce to her parents, because over there it means a potential marriage partner!!! [/quote]
Perhaps the real issue is not the fact that she hasn’t told her parents about you. The real issue is the fact that she is not open, honest, and communicative about why she hasn’t done so whenever you probed.
Being a Taiwanese woman myself, I would not see it as a warning sign in terms of your GF not letting her parents know about you yet. This might have to do with many Taiwanese parents, like mine, who see every man I’m dating as a potential marriage partner. I knew very well that my parents would start ‘interrogate’ me about how committed he is (“is he serious with you?”), his job, how much he earns, his asset (having his own house or not), any alarming habits etc. as soon as I tell them about this special someone. And they would start worry about my future with a foreign guy blah blah blah. To save the hassle, I would not tell my parents about having a partner until I feel certain this relationship is leading somewhere towards a lifelong future together. As a result, my fiance is the first man (the third man in my life) I have ever told my parents. When I told them about him, it was 3 months after we became a couple.
On the other hand, my boyfriend (then fiance) already told his parents about me the first time we met and told his family firsthand when we become a couple. I felt sweet and acknowledged. However, he had never pressed/expected me to do the same. Having said that, I told him openly and honestly why I had my reservation of acknowledging him to my parents due to the above reasons. He understood and waited patiently until I felt it’s time to acknowlege him to my parents. The situation is very similar to his marriage proposal. I told my parents about him proposing to me 2 months AFTER our engagement whereas he emailed his entire family about the exciting news on the same day. I did not dare to tell my parents we ARE engaged because he has not come to meet/visit my parents yet to ask for their approval. I only dared to tell them that he recently asked me to marry him (and I said yes) and that he will come to Taiwan in August to visit & ask them if they are happy to say ‘yes’ to his proposal (our marriage).
My point is:
It is very important to have an open and honest communication between a couple in a committed relationship. You said, “No matter how far i push the issue she always dodges it cleverly.” which does not sound like maintaining an open and honest communication in your relationship on this regard.
On the surface level, it is related to (domestic) cultural differences. At the core, it really is about communicating openly and honestly about everything and anything that bothers either of you. Why does she keep avoiding ‘why’ question? Is this her habitual way of responding to something tangible?
Good luck![/quote]
I think this says it all. :bravo:
Well I thought I would give you guys an update. I met the whole family when I landed at the airport in kaohsiung… I sensed alot of tension in the atmosphere. Anyways 2 weeks later and they are treating me better than their own, in fact its going at bit too fast for me. I mean I have already met her grandparents and relatives multiple times already. I understand why after being here why people tend to avoid letting parents know about their SO.
Getting used to driving a scooter here with my gf riding on the back took a while to adjust but i like it alot… Anyways i’ll be travelling around taiwan once I get used to the local scene here, like the staring…
[quote=“robert”]Well I thought I would give you guys an update. I met the whole family when I landed at the airport in kaohsiung… I sensed alot of tension in the atmosphere. Anyways 2 weeks later and they are treating me better than their own, [color=#0000FF]in fact its going at bit too fast for me[/color]. I mean I have already met her grandparents and relatives multiple times already. I understand why after being here why people tend to avoid letting parents know about their SO.
Getting used to driving a scooter here with my gf riding on the back took a while to adjust but I like it alot… Anyways I’ll be travelling around taiwan once I get used to the local scene here, like the staring…[/quote]
Yes you should stop the staring, it’s not nice to stare at the locals. Get used to being in Asia.
There is something odd about this situation. I can’t quite put my finger on it, with the limited information, but I’m sure something odd will pop up soon. Please keep us posted.
Maybe the family was all smiles at the airport because she realized that you are her only hope, and wants their total assistance, and since she doesn’t like the other white guys in Taiwan… which are one of now by the way. Dragging a local around on her scooter.
Where you staying? Is she working? How you been spending your days? Have she brought up that marraige visa back to Oz?
You have just become target #1, as Taiwan girls plot catching a guy like a military campaign. And there is little defense.
Aint so bad if you wanna get caught.
You are an adult so you should not NEED you parents approval. Parents should also respect the choices their adult childrean make, as most often they know stuff all about the people their children date.
After all tt’s not like you are choosing a well known brand of hand soap. Too many times interfering parents have been the cause of many a relationship breaking up.[/quote]
Thank you for your wise words as I especially agree that sometimes interfering parents might be the cause of a failed relationship. I am fully aware that I do not NEED my parents’ approval and I would run off to marry him if they happened to say no (haha and they know me very well that’s what I would do). Have said that, it is a formality resulting from my great respect for my parents that my fiance NEEDS to visit and meet my parents for the marriage proposal to be finalised. I would argue that this is not unigue in Taiwanese culture. A British colleague of his, in late 20s, asked his fiancee’s parents for permission 3 weeks before he asked his girl to marry him. And I understand that in the old days people here (UK) used to do so.
Perhaps there is a different perspective to view it as a gesture of receiving parents’ blessings through this procedure. After all, in my case, they have raised me and supported me financially (from their retirement funds) to live and study abroad in the past 8 years. You don’t get many parents to fund your study willingly from their retirement funds. So asking for their approval and blessings is a tradition I’m happy to follow. And I’m grateful that my fiance understands its necessity and importance to me/my family.
There is a difference between honouring one’s parents’ through this formality and letting them interfer one’s marriage life. It all boils down to where the boundary is, isn’t it? 
Thank you once again for the caution. I do sometimes forget I’m a grown up adult when my parents want to exert their control/value on me as their way to protect me from possible harm/hurt.