What do I Need to Do to Become Jewish?

It’s time to convert. Ben Stiller, Rob Schneider, Jerry Seinfeld, Larry David, Ms 914. Great outstanding comedians.

So what does it take to convert?

A little background on me…Buddhist on one side, Catholic on other. I’m neither. I do like Christmas and I never spell it as X’mas. I love jokes, I love to laugh, I like loud households where everyone’s screaming at everyone in a good way. I have an attitude, I can face off with bad drivers and bus drivers. Don’t do meat, do seafood. Open to any suggestions and comments.

Of course I’m going to look up how to convert on the internet and ask around, but it’s fun getting F.commers’ feedback.

Hit me, my fellow Jews.

Get yourself a good solid guilt complex. That’s vital, I think. Watch a lot of Woody Allen films. Oh, and lose that enormous Samoan foreskin.

We’ll have lunch.
Start by learning some basic hebrew so you can at least know when people are being shitty to you.
Also, you mom MUST drive you nuts. You can borrow mine from time to time if you need.
Mine is psychic. Every time I have dumplings she psychically slaps me and gives me guilt.

914, I loaned you my Sex and City collection ages ago. Are you saying you still haven’t gotten to the part where Charlotte becomes a jew? Season 6 baby. Go watch it now. I’m sure it will tell you all you need to know.

[quote=“914”]It’s time to convert. Ben Stiller, Rob Schneider, Jerry Seinfeld, Larry David, Ms 914. Great outstanding comedians.
These fine individuals share one more thing in common: good hair.

I hear Jews spend spend incredible amounts of time in front of the mirror every morning to get their hair to look that good. Is that really true or is it just a stereotype?

And more importantly, will you be prepared to observe that ritual if you covert? Because, you know, being Jewish is not only about fancy language, special food on the plane and that cute little hat. You ready to do the hard work in front of the mirror, too? Ask yourself before you make any rash decisions!

BTW, I could be wrong on Larry David. I don’t know who he is. But Ms 914 got enough good hair to cover him too.

Well, sir, are you aware there’s some snipping between the legs involved? :astonished:

Well, in some Synagogues, if you do not mind, you will be in front with all the men-folk, while Ms. 914 stays behind a balustrade with all of the women-folk. Quite similar to what goes on in some Mosques, interestingly enough.
Plus, squid rings will never look as appetizing as they once did. :smiley:

That’s because some observant married Jews wear wigs, since they are not allow to display their own hair in public.

Go and visit Dr. Eihhorn.

taipeitimes.com/News/taiwan/ … 2003223007

He’s also head of Republicans Abroad Taiwan, just in case you also want to join the GOP. :America:

Learn to complain a lot, should come naturally from anyone on this website.

Well, sir, are you aware there’s some snipping between the legs involved? :astonished:[/quote]

Do they check?

Of course the other benefit of being a Jew, is that you have access to all the Jewish jokes that we are frowned upon for saying

Charlotte to Harry: “I gave up Christ for you. You can’t give up the Mets?”

Kill Jesus.








I’m joking, I’m joking…

1-Me as a friend.2-Matza ball, chicken soup at my aunt Sylvia’s home in Queens. 3-Lunch at a Kosher deli, served by Mexican waiters. 4-Oh ya, you must be circumcized.

Also, you mom MUST drive you nuts. You can borrow mine from time to time if you need. [/quote]

Your mom MUST be a Jewess for you to be a Jew. So, take the offer.

I think the bible says Jews are God’s chosen people, so I guess you just gotta sit back, relax, and let God come looking for you.

As far as my non-conformist views on religion are concerned, I always considered myself somewhat of a Jew. That is, I believe in the Jewish God and all that that entails with the only difference between what I believe and that which Orthodox Jews believe, is that I believe that Christ was the Messiah…

So in my own strange round about way…I AM A JEW… :banana:

find and talk w/ a rabbi. there are many “sects” of judaism. some conservative sects won’t have you. try for a “reformed” (liberal) rabbi.

as a jew, you will have “right of return” to israel. jump all the hoops and you can pick up a secondary passport. a very powerful secondary passport from a nation that has no rendition treaty with the US. if you are ajew and get in trouble elsewhere, you pretty much have sanctuary in israel.

jesus was a jew. he never said for his followers to stop following judaic laws.

it is worth a shot.

The unkindest cut of all:


Unlike many other religions, Judaism does not demand that all people convert to the religion. Maimonides explains that any human being who faithfully observes the “7 Laws of Noah” earns a proper place in heaven. According to Wikipedia’s article on Judaism, “All mainstream forms of Judaism today are open to sincere converts.”

for more information, see http://www.aish.com/literacy/judaism123/Conversion_to_Judaism.asp

or for links:

Yes, you will need to be circumcised, or if you were previously circumcised by a doctor, to undergo a ritual called “hatafas dam”.

Rabbi Celso Cukierkorn offers an online conversion course to anyone who wants to become Jewish. A PC and a Web connection bring the rabbi and converts from as far away as Australia and New Zealand together for online study and even the final exam on his Web site, http://www.conversiontojudaism.org. The online curriculum, which is divided into eight units, is a blend of books and online material, some of which Rabbi Cukierkorn wrote. It is customized for each student, depending on prior knowledge of Judaism. Students decide how much to pay for the course and the rituals.