# What to do about your aging parents in their final years **URL:** \ **Category:** Parenting\ **Tags:** eldercare\ **Created:** [August 17, 2010, 9:10pm UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961 "2010-08-17T21:10:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![TheGingerMan](https://forumosa-12829.kxcdn.com/letter_avatar_proxy/v4/letter/t/a698b9/32.png) [@TheGingerMan](https://tw.forumosa.com/u/TheGingerMan)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 1:18pm UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961/21 "2010-08-20T13:18:08Z")
> [@housecat](#): > > My mother fought fiercly not to be put into any kind of home. My “family” is so fractured anyway, that she was able to hold us off for a long time like this, even though we knew she really did not need to be living alone any longer, because my brother and I are distant–both emotionally and geographically from one another. > > However, once we got her into an assisted living place, she LOVED it! She didn’t have to cook, didn’t have to do laundry–didn’t have to do anything at all. But then on Christmas day that year she had a stroke and her kidneys also failed completely. She had to be moved to a nursing home when she was released from the hospital. Though she’s gotten better, she’s never gotten better enough to go back to assisted living. One reason for this is the nursing home atmosphere itself. It’s depressing and she hates it. > > She lost controle of her bowles with the stroke, but has it back now. However, she continues to use diapers because that is easier for the nursing home staff than gettting to her in time to help her toilet. That part really angers me. As for my mom, I don’t think it bothers her a bit any more. She couldn’t help it at first, and just got used to it, I guess. But it bothers me a lot that it doesn’t bother her. > > My brother almost never visits her and he lives very near. I lived very far and visited twice a year at an expense that was quite great fro me because I am not welcome to stay with my brother, so have to have hotels. This also meant visits were much shorter than they needed to be. But when I was there, I took her out as much as I could manage. When doing that, she has to be signed in and out–so I know that he really was there only the two days she told me about. The staff told me that they’d never seen him and didn’t even realize that she had kids. > > Now, I’m here and it’s frustraiting because, due to the time change, I can’t even talk to her much. She’s usually in bed by seven her time–I’m 14 hours ahead of her here. I used to talk on the phone to her almost every day. > > Ours is a sad, sad situation. But it is what it is. Those of you with parents in their seventies and eighties, especially if they’re still able to get around and have their minds–you are really blessed. Good post, housecat. Makes one humble and glad all at the same time. Sorry for your predicament, but it makes the rest of us truly realize the depth of our own shituation.:notworthy: Peace be unto you and yours. ---
**Author:** ![gavmasterflash](https://forumosa-12829.kxcdn.com/letter_avatar_proxy/v4/letter/g/e19b73/32.png) [@gavmasterflash](https://tw.forumosa.com/u/gavmasterflash)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2026, 6:01pm UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961/22 "2026-02-18T18:01:23Z")
Old thread, I know, but just wondering about this situation for myself as my parents are now in their 70s. Not sure what to do once they get to the point where they really cannot take care of themselves…. I suppose the best thing would be for them to just drop dead! Well, not right now, years from now, but ya know, just so that they don’t get sick and decrepit and linger for a long time in misery. Anyway, I have a young daughter now and we try to visit every year, but it’s farking expensive. Have to stay at a hotel or Airbnb since my BIL doesn’t really like anyone in his house and neither of my parent’s places are really suitable to stay at with a family. What I’m really concerned with is once they’re gone, how do I transition back to life in Taiwan? Honestly I have a job that I really do not want to give up. One of the major perks is a lot of time off, so I could probably spend 3-4 months a year with them and still keep the job. I have a sister who lives near my parents, but I would feel guilty if she had to do everything. Not sure if I could afford the rent back here plus paying for somewhere over there for months on end, plus I’d probably be away from my daughter for extended periods, not ideal for her. It would take a lot for me to uproot my whole life here and go back home. Once they’d both be gone, I’d be itching to come back here and I would want my old job back. but considering my current circumstances, I think that would be next to impossible because I just know that they would use it as a way to strip me of my current position and stick me with the shittier conditions that they have for all the new hires. ---
**Author:** ![ppp](https://forumosa-12829.kxcdn.com/letter_avatar_proxy/v4/letter/p/9de0a6/32.png) [@ppp](https://tw.forumosa.com/u/ppp)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2026, 7:43pm UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961/23 "2026-02-18T19:43:41Z")
> [@gavmasterflash](#): > > my parents are now in their 70s. can hire pinay or indo maid ---
**Author:** ![gavmasterflash](https://forumosa-12829.kxcdn.com/letter_avatar_proxy/v4/letter/g/e19b73/32.png) [@gavmasterflash](https://tw.forumosa.com/u/gavmasterflash)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2026, 7:50pm UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961/24 "2026-02-18T19:50:14Z")
they’re in the US, not Taiwan. ---
**Author:** ![Brianjones](https://forumosa-12829.kxcdn.com/letter_avatar_proxy/v4/letter/b/eada6e/32.png) [@Brianjones](https://tw.forumosa.com/u/Brianjones)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2026, 9:30pm UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961/25 "2026-02-18T21:30:28Z")
> [@ppp](#): > > can hire pinay or indo maid No ---
**Author:** ![Mr\_PBH](https://forumosa-12829.kxcdn.com/user_avatar/tw.forumosa.com/mr_pbh/32/230938_2.png) [@Mr\_PBH](https://tw.forumosa.com/u/Mr_PBH)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2026, 11:22pm UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961/26 "2026-02-18T23:22:29Z")
> [@gavmasterflash](#): > > my parents are now in their 70s Have they offered any hints as to what they want to do with themselves? ---
**Author:** ![bojack](https://forumosa-12829.kxcdn.com/user_avatar/tw.forumosa.com/bojack/32/11772_2.png) [@bojack](https://tw.forumosa.com/u/bojack)\ **Post date:** [February 18, 2026, 11:55pm UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961/27 "2026-02-18T23:55:05Z")
> [@Mr\_PBH](#): > > > [@gavmasterflash](#): > > > > my parents are now in their 70s > > Have they offered any hints as to what they want to do with themselves? This, and have a candid conversation with your sister. What does she think? ---
**Author:** ![P007](https://forumosa-12829.kxcdn.com/user_avatar/tw.forumosa.com/p007/32/223502_2.png) [@P007](https://tw.forumosa.com/u/P007)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2026, 12:52am UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961/28 "2026-02-19T00:52:39Z")
So my elderly mother lives on her own. She keeps falling over. Luckily no injuries so far, and that next door were there to help and call relatives. She also has quite bad dementia. Just recently she gave her little dog some paracetamol. When I arrived to visit the poor dog was a walking zombie, hadn’t eaten for weeks, and literally didn’t have the energy to stand up. It had to be euthanized. I’m convinced that a care home would be the best option for her. The problem is she would have to sell her house in order to afford a care home. None of the other siblings want that, as they see it would impact their inheritance. Neither are they willing to take her in, or stay with her. I short, they want the inheritance, but don’t want any inconvenience or expense. I don’t care about the inheritance, I just want what’s best for her. I’d take her in, but she doesn’t want to move to my house, as it’s ‘too far’ away from the other siblings, and she doesn’t really get along with my wife. ---
**Author:** ![CTaitung](https://forumosa-12829.kxcdn.com/user_avatar/tw.forumosa.com/ctaitung/32/100105_2.png) [@CTaitung](https://tw.forumosa.com/u/CTaitung)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2026, 1:16am UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961/29 "2026-02-19T01:16:03Z")
Have to ask.., this in Taiwan or overseas? In the U.S., can take parent to his/her doctor for dementia test. If dementia, you take that doctor certificate to court to seek control of her responsibility. Monetary inheritance brings out the worst in at least one sibling from my experience and the experiences of about 5 other close friends and one of their siblings. She has dementia. You or your siblings do not want to get a call one day to find out she’s missing or something worse happened to her or someone else due to an action done out of dementia. In U.S. can do reverse mortgage on her home to pay for her care. Your siblings are blatantly selfish. I say this having dealt with one parent who had dementia and was placed in assisted living for her care and own protection. ---
**Author:** ![bojack](https://forumosa-12829.kxcdn.com/user_avatar/tw.forumosa.com/bojack/32/11772_2.png) [@bojack](https://tw.forumosa.com/u/bojack)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2026, 1:33am UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961/30 "2026-02-19T01:33:56Z")
Yeah I too have a horror story about two of my siblings when my mother died a year ago. It can get really ugly, in my case driving a brother and my sister away from my other brother and me. We had all met more than once to plan her funeral and her burial, but in the end we couldn’t overcome the payout benefit of a relatively minuscule life insurance policy nobody knew about until the life insurance company contacted me, the oldest sibling. It got ridiculous real fast. Use an AI or hire an attorney to learn about relevant estate and relevant (to your state and locale) probate law. In my situation assuming my mother’s power of attorney meant the funeral and burial became solely my expenses if my siblings chose to back out. Be careful. And talk it out beforehand. Let everyone speak their mind until they’re talked out. Listen. Be patient. Do as much of this as feasible before the parent(s) die. Be aware that grief can manifest itself in unexpected and completely different ways. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![P007](https://forumosa-12829.kxcdn.com/user_avatar/tw.forumosa.com/p007/32/223502_2.png) [@P007](https://tw.forumosa.com/u/P007)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2026, 4:03am UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961/31 "2026-02-19T04:03:39Z")
> [@CTaitung](#): > > Have to ask.., this in Taiwan or overseas? Not in Taiwan. Not in U.S. > [@CTaitung](#): > > In U.S. can do reverse mortgage on her home to pay for her care. Your siblings are blatantly selfish. I’ve run the numbers every which way, and had professional advice. The only possibility to avoid selling the house would be if the children contributed toward the expenses. Given past experiences, I can’t see that ever working. I don’t care if there’s no inheritance. It wouldn’t change my life in a meaningful way. My siblings however, aren’t well off financially, so it probably would change their life, at least for a while, until they spend it all. ---
**Author:** ![miamidice](https://forumosa-12829.kxcdn.com/letter_avatar_proxy/v4/letter/m/90db22/32.png) [@miamidice](https://tw.forumosa.com/u/miamidice)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2026, 4:32am UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961/32 "2026-02-19T04:32:40Z")
> [@P007](#): > > I’m convinced that a care home would be the best option for her. The problem is she would have to sell her house in order to afford a care home. None of the other siblings want that, as they see it would impact their inheritance. Neither are they willing to take her in, or stay with her. I short, they want the inheritance, but don’t want any inconvenience or expense. I don’t care about the inheritance, I just want what’s best for her. I’d take her in, but she doesn’t want to move to my house, as it’s ‘too far’ away from the other siblings, and she doesn’t really get along with my wife. Good on you man, sorry to hear your siblings sound brutal. ---
**Author:** ![gavmasterflash](https://forumosa-12829.kxcdn.com/letter_avatar_proxy/v4/letter/g/e19b73/32.png) [@gavmasterflash](https://tw.forumosa.com/u/gavmasterflash)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2026, 7:02am UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961/33 "2026-02-19T07:02:52Z")
In terms of what? Final wishes? What kind of care they want? I know they both want cremation but they have not expressed anything in terms of what kind of care they want once they are no longer able to live independently. Knowing my father, he’d probably want to die as soon as possible after being incapacitated. He nearly bit it last year with a DVT (blood clot) in his leg, nearly killed him, but fortunately he bounced back very quickly. Was out of the hospital in just 3 days. After that, we got all the POA stuff settled between both parents and my sister. My sister is POA for my mother both financial and medical, and my mother is my father’s health POA and I am my father’s financial POA. ---
**Author:** ![Mr\_PBH](https://forumosa-12829.kxcdn.com/user_avatar/tw.forumosa.com/mr_pbh/32/230938_2.png) [@Mr\_PBH](https://tw.forumosa.com/u/Mr_PBH)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2026, 9:48am UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961/34 "2026-02-19T09:48:02Z")
> [@gavmasterflash](#): > > What kind of care they want? Yeah, I mean the death services are easy. ---
**Author:** ![gavmasterflash](https://forumosa-12829.kxcdn.com/letter_avatar_proxy/v4/letter/g/e19b73/32.png) [@gavmasterflash](https://tw.forumosa.com/u/gavmasterflash)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2026, 1:48pm UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961/35 "2026-02-19T13:48:31Z")
My mom probably has. She’s spent a lot of her career working in places like that, and hospice care, and she knows which ones are well run and which ones are not. She’s probably delineated that in a healthcare directive or something like that. Last year, a couple months after my father nearly bit it, they finally got together and worked that stuff out. At least my mother did. I was not present, but my sister was. Apparently my mother was quite well organized, at least according to my sister, and all the stuff was done through my sister, so I really don’t know. She is my mother’s financial and healthcare POA. They all figure that since I live overseas I basically can’t do anything. For the healthcare stuff, I would agree, time is often of the essence but the financial stuff tends to be less urgent. As for my dad, he showed up with basically nothing and it really frustrated my sister. They had a falling out, my dad’s fault, and didn’t speak for nearly 10 years. They only recently reconciled. To put it bluntly, my dad has pretty much been a financial blackhole for his entire adult life. Mismanagement of money, financial illiteracy and vices basically destroyed the family finances. My mother divorced him over it, let’s call it financial infidelity, and didn’t really speak with him for about 5-6 years, but they are on good terms now some how but living separate lives. So my mother basically just took the initiative to be his healthcare POA, because honestly, my sister just can’t deal with any of it. All that past history plus a couple of moves in which he screwed her over financially, although she was able to recover, but recovering the trust took a long time. I have no idea what’s in his healthcare directives or whatever, just I know that he wants cremation and he has a funeral insurance plan and my sister is the named beneficiary. I was home during Christmas and practically had to strong-arm him into getting me to be his POA for finance, but I did sweeten the deal by taking him down to his childhood neighborhood and getting pizza at this one tavern there. Honestly, it’s really fucking good pizza, but I digress. He asked why I was doing the financial POA for him and I had to be blunt with him and just say “because no one else will.” The other complicated matter is that there are still a bunch of unclaimed assets left over from my grandmother’s estate and my father is still the trustee and executor of that estate. One of the things that I will need to do with his financial POA is to track those assets down and bring them back into the family, but in a place where he really can’t touch them. The rough plan is to use that money for any of his end of life care needs, and if anything happens to be left over, that it goes to his two grandchildren. ---
**Author:** ![ppp](https://forumosa-12829.kxcdn.com/letter_avatar_proxy/v4/letter/p/9de0a6/32.png) [@ppp](https://tw.forumosa.com/u/ppp)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2026, 1:58pm UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961/36 "2026-02-19T13:58:36Z")
> [@gavmasterflash](#): > > and if anything happens to be left over, th Buy a FERRARI!!! ---
**Author:** ![gavmasterflash](https://forumosa-12829.kxcdn.com/letter_avatar_proxy/v4/letter/g/e19b73/32.png) [@gavmasterflash](https://tw.forumosa.com/u/gavmasterflash)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2026, 2:03pm UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961/37 "2026-02-19T14:03:24Z")
Separate post, separate issue. Has anyone here ever gone back home to take care of parents and then transitioned back here? How does that process go? I feel like going back home would be the much harder transition. It seems so much more complicated and expensive to get started back home than it would be here. For me I am quite sure that I would not be able to get my position back at my job, like I said before, all new hires are on a considerably worse system and I am grandfathered in on a better system, and to be honest, I am pretty sure that they are resentful of that and even if they gave me back my job, it would almost certainly be much worse. I know another guy who left a year or so ago to take care of elderly parents. He was working at a university with just a bachelors degree, and was grandfathered in. No way he’d be able to get his old job back at all. I dunno…. my best shot would probably be to work at a school in the US for at least a couple of years and then try applying to one of the few decent international schools on the island. But that’s no guarantee. Other than that, it almost feels like it would be career suicide. ---
**Author:** ![gavmasterflash](https://forumosa-12829.kxcdn.com/letter_avatar_proxy/v4/letter/g/e19b73/32.png) [@gavmasterflash](https://tw.forumosa.com/u/gavmasterflash)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2026, 2:03pm UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961/38 "2026-02-19T14:03:46Z")
I’d prefer a Lambo. Going to the moon baby! ---
**Author:** ![Mr\_PBH](https://forumosa-12829.kxcdn.com/user_avatar/tw.forumosa.com/mr_pbh/32/230938_2.png) [@Mr\_PBH](https://tw.forumosa.com/u/Mr_PBH)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2026, 2:04pm UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961/39 "2026-02-19T14:04:29Z")
> [@gavmasterflash](#): > > One of the things that I will need to do with his financial POA is to track those assets down and bring them back into the family, but in a place where he really can’t touch them. The rough plan is to use that money for any of his end of life care needs, and if anything happens to be left over, that it goes to his two grandchildren That seems like a good goal. It’s a tough situation for sure, but I think that you try to handle as much as you can from Taiwan. The idea of going back for months sounds upsetting. Your family, kids, spouse, are the priority.imo naturally. ---
**Author:** ![gavmasterflash](https://forumosa-12829.kxcdn.com/letter_avatar_proxy/v4/letter/g/e19b73/32.png) [@gavmasterflash](https://tw.forumosa.com/u/gavmasterflash)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2026, 3:03pm UTC](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961/40 "2026-02-19T15:03:37Z")
yeah, I would mostly agree with you, but I would feel quite a bit of guilt for not being there for my parents in their final years, plus also the guilt of letting my sister handle everything. Going home for a month or two at a time every winter and summer would help assuage some of that guilt but then I would not be there for my daughter and it would end up costing a bundle over time. As for my dad, he has no assets, might even have racked up even more debt, and God only knows if he’s even keeping up with his taxes. No one has any idea, and frankly, no one really wants to even look into it. The only assets he has access to would be the ones that he fucked up on and forgot about that are part of his mother’s estate. I only just got his POA and will soon begin the process of tracking those down, no idea how much it will be, but I am trying to be conservative and figure it’s probably in the low to mid 5 figures. not sure how long that would last him, maybe a year or so? once he stops working (he currently works part time) he’ll only have social security. Right now he lives in subsidized senior housing. It’s not even assisted living, it’s completely independent living. but he doesn’t need any help right now. and I’ve been there a number of times, it’s actually better than decent. but inside his unit, he does kinda live like a bum…. mattress on the floor, bathtub has probably never been scrubbed, old food and trash all over the place. If he gets to the point where he needs care, the only thing I can think of is that I’ve heard of these places where you basically sign over your social security check to the place and they just take the money and provide whatever care they can. sounds pretty grim, but given his situation, it’s likely the only option he’d have. My mother certainly has had her financial difficulties as a result of my dad but is also really, really terrible at managing money. However, as a Boomer, being born in the right place and time in history, she’s fallen ass backwards into money, and has still managed to have a portfolio of assets in the several six figure range, probably up to half a million USD by this point. this only happened because she had no idea about them, and therefore had no opportunity to fuck them up lol…. like ten years ago she thought she was going to have nothing at retirement aside from whatever she managed to save plus social security. once she hit 65, she looked into it properly and discovered some old retirement accounts. she’ll probably work (part time) for another year at least, maybe two. she’s getting by for now, relatively healthy and able to live independently. neither of them has a house, it was lost about 10 years ago due to severe financial mismanagement, mostly due to my father, but my mother certainly played her part by not keeping a better eye on things and by trusting my father who had already shown a complete lack of financial discipline. but also doing all the stupid shit that Dave Ramsey would scream her stupid for, like eating out all the time and going on vacation when she was BROKE. So to conclude, we’re not that worried about my mother financially and in fact, we could stand to inherit some money, depending on the circumstances. For my father, we have few options and they don’t look great. My sister and I probably don’t want to spend much on him because of his previous financial mismanagement, why should we bear the cost of the mistakes he made? But my concern is spending time with them, and the money it will cost for me to do that. [Previous page](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961.md?page=1) [Next page](https://tw.forumosa.com/t/what-to-do-about-your-aging-parents-in-their-final-years/59961.md?page=3)