Thanks for all the advice. There are a lot of good things here that help me to remember what I really want and what kind of friend I am striving to be, while taking care of myself. Very validating for folks to be able to relate to me, too. THANKS!
This is not the first time that these feelings have surfaced with this particular friend. There is really something for me to look at in terms of what my intentions are here and to decide if it’s worth my efforts. With this friend, we share some pretty similar woundings in terms of what we went through during childhood. In some ways I feel like I have been lucky enough to have received divine intervention through many wonderful people in my life and I’d like to support her to create different realities for herself, too. Pay it forward, so to speak. But maybe it’s time that I humble myself and say that maybe I can’t do it yet as I am dealing with similar issues. Plus she may not want to do it anywhere close as to how I am doing it. Much humbling can really happen here.
I know that she has been in a lot of pain for a long, long, long time, and it’s challenging for me to watch because I really believe that certain things will help to transform some, if not most, of that pain. I am usually pretty good at letting things be what they are and just be with the person, since I believe that being together is a lot times helpful to help someone get grounded and eventually take risks to change. But I really need to remember that it is what it is, and she may never change, and that may be too painful for me to stay connected to her the way I was able to before. I may not be able to until I grow more myself, and that may be the thing to be honest about with her.
She really isn’t doing anything wrong or bad per se, since I know that pain works in mysterious ways and it may be a long while until we are able to cope with it differently or to benefit from it; I am just having a hard time watching her doing what she does. It’s too scary for me, on some level, since the very things that she is holding onto are the very things I am trying to work through. She really wants to be able to control her environment so that she has a sense of security for herself, therefore so much of her energy goes towards judging, blaming, justifying and being controlling, and I get that; I have done it that way for many years, too, and it did work to a certain extent. I am trying to move through that desire to control and manipulate though, becase that doesn’t get me what I truly want which is to stay connected as honestly and lovingly as possible with myself and others. I just may not be able to support her the way I’d like to, since it’s really getting way too triggering for me. I am in the process of working on dealing with my own insecurities, too, when feeling threatened, challenged or impoverished, especially with loved ones. Just because I was born into a certain environment where things were done a certain way doesn’t mean I don’t get to do it differently for myself, and I have working on that for the last ten years.
So, long story short, I really need to be humbled to know that I may not be able to do certain things for her, no matter how much I’d like to, because of where I am at right now. Hopefully one day I’d be able to hold her without triggering huge upest for myself, and before that day comes I really need to take care of myself first. I hope that doesn’t mean I’d need to cut myself off from her, because I really value loyalty and long-time relationships. Hopefully she and I can connect at a deep level again. I certainly can work on becoming more grounded in my own beliefs and practicing what I believe so that it’s a reflex rather than a learned response.
I hope this makes sense. Thanks guys!
