Who is raising your child?

Taiwan Parenting
#10

My wife works with a Taiwanese woman who didn’t just drop off her kid during the week with nanny/granny, but did so for the first 3 years of her child’s life: “Here’s my baby, I’ll be back when it’s toilet trained and ready for school. Don’t forget to teach her my name.”

My wife also has a good friend who is one of 10 children (also Taiwanese). By the time they got to the 10th child, apparently the parents were getting tired of it all, and they knew of another couple in town that wanted a child, so they turned their child over to them to raise on the other side of town, and the siblings sometimes run into the abandoned child when out shopping, or whatever. Both are perverse cases of child abuse in my opinion.

On the other hand, last week I met a mother from Iceland. She told me in Iceland the mother and father each get 3 months off from work with 80% pay after their child is born, then one or the other can take another 3 months at 80% pay. That, to me, is how it should be. Sure it’s tough on employers, but it makes for a better society.

#11

[quote]On the other hand, last week I met a mother from Iceland. She told me in Iceland the mother and father each get 3 months off from work with 80% pay after their child is born, then one or the other can take another 3 months at 80% pay. That, to me, is how it should be. Sure it’s tough on employers, but it makes for a better society.
[/quote]lol, if that were the case l’d be in the cot with the missus as you read.

#12

And in my opinion that sounds a bit judgemental. Are the kids being starved/abused/neglected in their foster homes? Then it might be child abuse. It sounds unnatural to me too, but it just might be better for the child to be with someone who wants/loves them - if you know you’re going to be a lousy parent you probably shouldn’t have had the kid in the first place, but having done so you might think it’s a better option then making both of you miserable. In some cases, making the child STAY with the parents would constitute far worse child abuse.

Everyone’s situation is different, and most parents try and do what they think is best for their children. I’m sure you wouldn’t appreciate people passing judgment on the way you raise yours without understanding your full situation. I’m taking the ‘24/7’ route for the first few years, but I don’t think it’s the only way, and indeed, not even an option for some families.

I don’t mean to sound harsh - one of my pet peeves with parenting is that everyone thinks they’re entitled to tell you what to do, even if they’ve never had kids. You’ll likely find out, if you haven’t already :slight_smile:

#13

Good points, Daasgrrl. If one turns over the care of ones child to another for several years because one doesn’t want to change diapers or deal with crying or wants to hit the bars or department stores unencumbered by a toddler then one is being selfish; if one has a serious addiction problem or abusive partner I guess it might make sense. I have more trouble empathizing with a family that has 10 kids and gives away the last one. She probably should have tied her tubes a few years prior. But you’re right, I don’t know all the facts.

#14

Kids grow up so fast. It’s a cliche I know but it’s true. Working mums and dads inevitably miss out on stuff. At the same time full-time homemaking mums or dads miss out on their own lives. I haven’t been to the cinema in FOUR YEARS!! Waaah Sigh! It’s no coincidence that my son is four years old. :laughing:
Grandparents make great babysitters when you want to have a social life, but if they live half way across the country it’s not that convenient.

Kids of working parents turn out fine in most cases, certainly no worse than kids raised by hand (Great Expectations reference there for ya). However, when a parent is away for most of the child’s upbringing they are bound to miss out on the good stuff. Being home in time to tuck them in and be ‘that bedtime story guy’ is a poor substitute for genuine quality time (hate that phrase - it’ll have to do for now) but better than nothing I spose.

#15

mt, i did lots of research about money and the family budget after baby. There are actually a lot of helpful books out there for people who want to live off a single income or work from home.

One thing that is constantly pointed out is that very often that the second income gets sucked away by childcare, transportation, special clothing, restaurants & convienence foods, starbucks, escape entertainment, etc.

Another is that you need to have your goals clearly sorted out. find out exactly what you want and work towards that. It takes discipline not to get distracted along the way.

The biggy: A penny saved is a penny earned. Find out where your disposable income is going. buy groceries on sale, wait for movies to become old before renting them, avoid convenience stores, get a bike, by second-hand, learn how to fix things when they are broken, learn to cook from scratch.

From personal experience i’ve found that no matter how great the job, it always involved a fair amount of unhealthy stress. i haven’t figured out a way not to bring that back home when i’m off work. There is no way for a family member to keep this stress to themselves. It spreads like wall fungus. also, when i get home from work i need decompression time. for me it’s usually an hour. add this on to the 10 hours and the day is pretty much gone.

everyone’s situation is different, but if you and your spouse feel uncomfortable with sending baby to a nanny, there are alternatives out there.

#16

Go by yourself, mate! No, I know, you’d rather be sleeping :slight_smile:

Ah, this is so true - it’s impossible to ‘have it all’. The thing that annoys me most is not missing out on my life - I chose that route after all - it’s the implicit assumption that because I’m a full-time mum I NEVER HAD A LIFE to begin with. I used to have a life, dammit! Now I just post on Forumosa :smiley:

#17

Mother Theresa,

I guess it also depends on if your wife wants to become a 24/7 house wife for the next couple of years. I know a few women that hated being at home all the time with their kids. It wasn’t that they wanted to go shopping and spend time in the spa. It was that they missed adult interactions and conversations. If it is economically feasible, let her try it out see if she likes it. It’s her decision in the end.

Or you could become Mr. Mom and see if you like it. :smiley:

There is really no right answer. In ten years they are going to grow up and call you “stupid and old” then you be hitting yourself over the head going, “I can’t believe I even contemplated your welfare on forumosa a decade ago.” :smiley:

As for the live in. I usually go by language, if language at home is English the live in should be fluent in English. If the language is Chinese, then the live in has to be fluent in Chinese. No point in paying someone to misunderstand you. Also if your wife is worried about infidelity, then make sure they are 40-50 years old.

#18

Yes, but what if he’s into older women?

#19

[quote="daasgrrlit’s the implicit assumption that because I’m a full-time mum I never HAD A LIFE to begin with. I used to have a life, dammit! Now I just post on Forumosa :smiley:[/quote]

Couldn’t have said that better. We gave up my income, the larger one, so that I could stay home with our son. It doesn’t pay well, but it is very demanding and the most rewarding job I’ve ever had in my life. We made this choice because I’m not at ease leaving our son with someone else (I’ve known of too many cases of abuse) and because even if we chose to both keep working, half my income would have gone for child care anyway.

Sometimes i think of the money I could have made in the last year and a half, but then I remember that that money wouldn’t buy even one single smile from my little Buddy.

However, when people find out you put your professional life on hold to play peakaboo and change nappies, it’s like they think your IQ dropped about 50 points. That makes me crazy. To me, that’s the real hard part.

#20

My wife and I work from home together so perhaps our situation is unique.

My wife and I together take care of our child most all of the time, but my wife’s mother comes over sometimes to give us a break and act as a babysitter/nanny for few hours and sometimes a whole day if we need it.

#21

My situation is a little unique. I’ve got four, the eldest, my tween, goes to school in the US and is in the care of family; the three younger ones are here and range in age from 10 months to seven years. I’ve had a live in since September and before we hired her, we had a part time person for about 3 months.

Spack, I’ve been to the movies once in four+ years but that’s okay since I like being able to pause the video and run to the kitchen or bathroom anyway, :laughing:.

Now that we have a live in and I do part time work from home, I can’t say that we’re the only ones raising our children. I count on my nanny a great deal but I have to say that having time away from my kids does a lot to keep me sane. There was a time when I felt like I’d completely lost myself to being a wife and mother. Now, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I can work from home and feel like I’m contributing something financially, even if it’s not as much as my husband does, and I have the flexibility to go to the park, the zoo, or just not work at all. Especially nice when someone is sick.

To be honest, when my husband was telling me to start looking for help as we were expecting the birth of our fourth (and he works a lot), I was being very stubborn about wanting to do everything myself. It took one meltdown at 7pm, with the newborn in the sling, first grader in the tub, and 2 year old crying for my attention, with homework and stories and bedtime and vacuuming and dishes to deal with (while dear husband was at work and not expected to return until 10pm) for me to realize that another set of hands might not be such a bad thing after all.

Everyone’s situation is different though, and I truly admire my friends who work full time jobs and still manage to raise intelligent, loving, confident children.

We need a Spanish-language forum!
#22

Kudos braxtonhicks. :notworthy: You sound like a supermom. Actually come to think of it, my mom raised three often-naughty boys. It must be hard. I’m exhausted with one.

Hobart, your situation sounds great. I wish my wife’s family lived closer. Her mother took the train up from Chiayi and spent the past couple of days with us, because our regular nanny was unavailable on Friday. It worked out great. In fact, I was almost jealous because, while our baby obviously enjoys my wife and me, granny seemed to get bigger smiles. She obviously did a great job during the first month. Plus, she cleaned our apt and cooked great meals for us. . . and she’s free. If the opportunity arises in the future, she’s definitely welcome to return.

#23

Thanks, MT, but really, sometimes I super suck. :blush: :cry: :noway: :help:

#24

MT,

I think you know how the shark husband I do it, we have an elderly Taiwanese gal who comes to our home during the days and then we take care of the baby(s) at night/weekends. I have no doubt that in our home the primary caregiver is the kids’ Emah, but she loves them as if they were her own grandkids. We have been very blessed with her. Now that we are moving, she will be staying her in taiwan and I will be working from home. even so, we plan on a live in in Singapore (they are easier to get approval for and cheaper there than here (go figure!))… but I plan on being there at least for a while…

#25

[quote=“Sharky”]MT,

I think you know how the shark husband I do it, we have an elderly Taiwanese gal who comes to our home during the days and then we take care of the baby(s) at night/weekends. I have no doubt that in our home the primary caregiver is the kids’ Emah, but she loves them as if they were her own grandkids. We have been very blessed with her. Now that we are moving, she will be staying her in Taiwan and I will be working from home. even so, we plan on a live in in Singapore (they are easier to get approval for and cheaper there than here (go figure!))… but I plan on being there at least for a while…[/quote]

Exercise caution, do research, and be very methodical in your search for a good nanny in Singapore. For some reason, I find that more people have problems with their domestic help in the

#26

Ok, I think my baby may be experiencing the first trauma of being raised by a nanny. I drop her off every morning before work and pick her up every day after work. Two days ago, I brought her home, lifted her out of the stroller, and suddenly she started screaming and crying like I have never heard her before. Immediately, I held her close, began burping her, talking to her, walking around the apartment, turned the lights low and put on soft music without putting her down, but she continued screaming for an hour, till her face was red, she was drenched in sweat and she was clearly exhausted. Eventually she calmed enough that my wife could give her a tit and she fell asleep.

The screaming wasn’t due to hunger or need for a diaper change and it was much more sudden and intense than those types of complaints. I began wondering if the nanny was doing something wrong. So the next day (yesterday), my wife picked her up, first going inside to see if she was happy at nanny’s house. According to my wife all seemed to be just fine, the baby was laughing and smiling. But on the way home suddenly she erupted into the same kind of screaming, crying fit. After trying unsuccessfully to console her, my wife handed the baby to me and I performed the same burping, rocking routine for well over an hour before she finally passed out.

It could be intestinal gas or some other physical pain, but I doubt it, because it was so sudden and intense. My wife called her mother and was directed to take an article of the baby’s clothing to the temple for a blessing, which she did last night, but I’m a little sceptical of that.

My guess is that it’s separation anxiety. I haven’t looked that up yet in our baby books, but I recall reading about that. If that’s what it is, I guess it’s because the baby is perfectly happy and content with the nanny and perfectly happy and content with us. But it’s the back and forth that is suddenly distressing her. Suddenly (at 3.5 months old) she is old enough to recognize her surroundings and to understand that she is being taken away from her nanny (who sort of resembles her grandma who she enjoys), but not old enough to understand that it’s only temporary. So she finds the separation traumatic. That’s just my armchair analyst opinion. Has anyone else had a similar experience?

#27

I used to scream if my mother disappeared behind a wall. I think it took me over a year to get over it. Sounds like you’ve only got 9 more months to go. :wink:

#28

Yes, Imaniou, I think that’s it. Separation anxiety is apparently common, although, according to a book I looked at last night it usually starts at age 6 - 9 mos. When mom or dad leaves, the baby thinks they’ll never return. I guess ours started early, and it’s nanny who she’s afraid will never return. We avoided the problem yesterday by my wife and I both going into the nanny’s house and holding and talking to our daughter for a while before leaving her house, to create a transition between the two environments. We’ll do the same today and Friday. It’s always something.

#29

Under “other”:

  1. Some floozy I met in a bar. (Oh right, that’s it’s MOTHER.)

  2. TVBS

  3. Troop of apes, but I’m sure he’s acculturating well

  4. Scientists and lab staff

  5. Secret society of assassins

[here, you finish]