I have read thread after thread, why and how things go wrong between a couple, and not one in the past few months, where someone talks about, how happy they are, or how invested they are in a relationship.
Just like there are dozens of reasons why things don’t work out ; psychoxiaojieism, MCPism, money, cultural differences, inlaws, no sexual spark, interrupting between sentences, kids, gambling, porn, affairs, long distances, claustrophobic marriages, size, fat, money, etc. there must be a whole lot of reasons why relationships do work. Love, yes. But is that all or is there more?
May be talking about the positives, may give an idea to the ones who come here with dilemmas, maybe I just want to hear the good stories SO how long have you been together, and what keeps you together?
[quote=“divea”]
Just like there are dozens of reasons why things don’t work out ; psychoxiaojieism, MCPism, money, cultural differences, inlaws, no sexual spark, interrupting between sentences, kids, gambling, porn, affairs, long distances, claustrophobic marriages, size, fat, money, etc …[/quote]
On topic though, loving someone isn’t so much a state of being as a deliberate behaviour. If a relationship is going to work, you have to choose to love someone, deliberately love them, even when it’s not the easiest thing to do. The more you do it, though, the easier and more natural it gets.
The average person is selfish, perhaps more than they realize, and not as mature as they could be. Relationships (whether romantic or not) work, IMO, when both people act selflessly, and care more about the other person than themselves. Relationships work when each person is willing to forgive more than they think they should. Relationships work when each person is willing to contribute more than they think they should. Relationships work when each person is willing to be kind more than they think they should. Relationships work when each person is into the other person more than they are into themselves. When both people are selfless and considerate (and, BTW, also love and are committed to each other), and into the other more than themselves, how could the relationship NOT work?
On topic though, loving someone isn’t so much a state of being as a deliberate behaviour. If a relationship is going to work, you have to choose to love someone, deliberately love them, even when it’s not the easiest thing to do. The more you do it, though, the easier and more natural it gets.[/quote]
Marriage sounds a lot like that time I trained you to beg for doughnuts.
Persistence, compromise, and unyielding affection in the face of cultural difference and an uncertain future.
Almost 3.5 years here; We’ve braved long distance for almost half our relationship too. Still going strong.
On topic though, loving someone isn’t so much a state of being as a deliberate behaviour. If a relationship is going to work, you have to choose to love someone, deliberately love them, even when it’s not the easiest thing to do. The more you do it, though, the easier and more natural it gets.[/quote]
I haven’t read the rest of this thread, but I don’t know how many times I’ve said this, nor how many times I’ve heard other women say it. This is the first time I’ve heard a man say it!! (Unfortunatly.)
[quote=“housecat”][quote=“Maoman”]Master Control Panel?
On topic though, loving someone isn’t so much a state of being as a deliberate behaviour. If a relationship is going to work, you have to choose to love someone, deliberately love them, even when it’s not the easiest thing to do. The more you do it, though, the easier and more natural it gets.[/quote]
I haven’t read the rest of this thread, but I don’t know how many times I’ve said this, nor how many times I’ve heard other women say it. This is the first time I’ve heard a man say it!! (Unfortunatly.)[/quote]
I am not an expert, and probably still too young to really know enough about relationships… but I feel that basing a long term relationship or even marriage only on love would probably not last as long and be as good as if you would base it on friendship (with love maybe, or not, additional to that).
I’m very happily married. It all started, and has continued, as a friendship.
I think a big part of staying together is really knowing your partner before you get married. I knew my wife for a decade before we tied the knot. I think our personalities were set as we were both well into our thirties when she finally wore me down. OK. I am four years older than her, so I guess she’s a bit of a trophy wife
(not first place).
We are both very down to earth, hard working, intelligent (or at least above average), humorous/fun loving, and we don’t care much about money, religion or politics. This means that there is not that much to argue about, and what we do argue about can usually be overcome with a little humor.
I also think I got lucky; she does, too. (or at least that’s what she tells me)
Not all is perfect in our relationship. My wife, unfortunately, has poor taste in music. I have solved this problem with headphones.
co-operation, lots of effort, knowing when to give in and when to stand firm, knowing when to open your mouth and knowing when to keep it shut, not being picky about anything and everything, not trying to change / mold your partner into what you feel that they should be!!
and no matter what has happended in the whole day — saying good nite to your partner with a smile on your face !!!
[quote=“divea”]
psychoxiaojieism, MCPism, money, cultural differences, inlaws, no sexual spark, interrupting between sentences, kids, gambling, porn, affairs, long distances, claustrophobic marriages, size, fat, money, [/quote]
It’s the long distances that make the rest of it bareable for me.
Someone else mentioned friendship. I agree. That is also an important component and should be the basis of any romantic relationship for it to work in the long run. Fortunately, even if your relationship isn’t as good as you’d like it, you could always learn the above. It is, afterall, a conscious decision and if you thought you loved someone enough to marry them to begin with you could consciously decide to change the way you act towards and treat your partner.
I really don’t agree with Dragonbones. I mean sure, we need to be giving and loving and considerate but we all do that. The average person is average. It does not take an above average person to make a relationship work. Selflessness is a generalization, what is selflessness. Who defines what selfish is? The idea that [quote]Relationships work when each person is into the other person more than they are into themselves.[/quote] just does not gel with me. How can you be into another person more than yourself?? One person can’t contain 2 people.
Don’t people in good relationships become MORE of themselves?
I understand where he is coming from, but people who break up or don’t last are not necessarily unkind, selfish or less forgiving. the flip side of selflessness is martyrdom, which is more often than not the case in any long term relationship.
Friendship yes, but I also know that, that alone is not a bonding factor. Many people are friends with their exes. Good friends even.
IMO it comes back to what maoman said, we have to act out our love each day. Show it in the things we do.Happily take out the trash, make tea, go to work, tolerate the in laws, cook, clean. We have to show we love, we care. Luuurrrve is in the details. The big stuff resolves itself.
Zender loved your post! The missus may be a trophy but not because she is younger to you.
Sharing a common language and communication are key.
Sex/physical attraction and chemistry/exotic-ness/cuteness/hotness/smoking body/gaga-ness can only last so long. Those can bring two people together, but they have a shelf life if those are the only things that a relationship is based on. You can’t cute your way out every time you do something wrong, nor can every couple solve EVERY SINGLE argument with sex (make up sex, though…HOLLA! :lick:).
I used to be one of those “Well, if ewe don’t know why I’m mad then fergit it! Harumph!” people. After much communication with the man, that shit doesn’t fly with him and he seriously means it when he says it’s not cute. For an introvert, he really really likes to communicate. We have a rule to never go to bed upset at each other. No matter how tired we are, we must TALK it out.
Anyway, I should be one to give marriage advice, eh? It’ll be two years with my ball and chain and we’ll have two under two. A lot of communication we do now is as parents but I really want to just communicate as two mates. I know this shall pass so maybe I’ll have some more to say after being married for a while longer.
But like I always tell my him, he’s the best first husband ever. And he always tells me I’m the best trophy wife, that is, until he hits midlife crisis then he’ll exchange me for a 25 year old. 'Sall good, we have a good pre-nup.
A friend of mine who is going through divorce was given this advice: Marriage requires work from both people, but you shouldn’t have to work that hard at it. I agree. Love doesn’t just happen, you make it happen. Just like when cheaters say, “Honey! We met and got drunk and intercourse just, well, happened!” Yeah right!
SO how long have you been together, and what keeps you together?
The missus may be a trophy but not because she is younger to you. 