Couldn’t give a rat’s rectum about tripe like that. It was, what, 30 years ago?
What I really want to know is whether Australia will make a “clean sweep” of the Poms in the latest cricket series…
Far more edifying is the cricket… it makes for better current affairs than regurgitated conspiracy theories.
The Big Babou
Ps: I hope I haven’t offended those JFK theorists, but there must be at least ONE cricket fan in their midst who would sympathise with the need for greater cricket rhetoric!
Sorry IYBF,
Biggie B, here’s some cricket talk to tide you over:
Subject: Cricket Sledging
When Australia toured New Zealand a few years back, Blair Pocock was
opening the batting for the Kiwis.
Having played and missed at a couple he was then approached by Mark
Waugh from slip.
Waugh pointed at Pocock and said “oh yeah, I remember you, you toured
Australia a couple of years ago. You were sh*t then too.”
Pocock then proceded to hit the next ball for four and pointed at Waugh
and said “Oh yeah, I remember you too, you had that fcking ugly old
girlfriend … and then you went and married her, you dumb cnt.”
Glenn McGrath (to Otto Brandes, tubby South African no. 11, after an 85
mph delivery whistles past OB’s chin) “Why are you so fat?”
OB “Because every time I f*ck your wife, she gives me a biscuit.”
During Australia’s last tour of South Africa it was rumoured that Daryll
Cullinan had been consulting a psychologist to exorcise the demons that
appeared whenever Warne removed his hat. No sooner had Cullinan arrived
at the crease than Warne snarled: “I’m going to send you straight back
to your shrink.”
Ian Healy once became frustrated with an overweight batsman from a South
African provincial side who seemed not the least interested in scoring
runs. Eventually Healy called to the bowler: “Why don’t we put a Mars
bar on a good length to see if we can lure him out of his crease?”
An English county bowler was having surprising success against the great
West Indian Viv Richards, who’d played and missed at several balls.
Foolishly, the bowler piped up: “Hey Viv, it’s red and it’s round.” A
steaming Richards cracked the next ball into another postcode and told
the bowler: “You know what it looks like, man - go fetch it.”
Merv Hughes was being Merv, aiming constant abuse at English batsman
Robin Smith. But having been told that he “couldn’t bat to save his
f**king life,” Smith smashed a four, walked down the pitch and said:
“Make a good pair, don’t we? I can’t fcking bat and you can’t fcking
bowl.”
Sledging can be plain amusing. It’s unlikely Merv Hughes was thinking
tactically when he told a struggling English batsmen: “I’ll bowl you a
f*cking piano, ya Pommie pooftah. Let’s see if you can play that.”
During a WSC final at the SCG where the game had been shortened due to
rain and the atmosphere was running at about 95% humidity a very
exhausted Arjuna Ranatunga appealed that he had “sprained” something. He
duly asked the umpire for a runner. As clear as a bell through the
effects mike you heard Healey’s legendary reply “You don’t get a runner
for being an overweight, unfit, fat c*nt”.
HG
The awful thing about cricket is that if, as a person originally totally uninterested in cricket, you actually sit down and start to watch a match, you can’t leave it. I watched an entire test series once without knowing anything about what was going on. I had no idea who was winning, or what the scores meant. And at the finish up, I kid you not, it was a draw. They played for two days at Headingly, which is where I used to live. (No idea where the cricket ground is, and I lived there for 3 years.) When working in England my dad found he had to memorise the cricket scores as everytime there was a match on someone would ask the score, and dad would trot our “England 234 for 3, second innings, leading by six wickets, four unders and a teaspoon” without the slightest idea what he was talking about.
When I was at school we had a similar problem during the couple of days that American Football became popular. No-one knew the rules. As far as I could see, they all lined up facing each other, banged into each other, and someone threw the ball a long way, and someone else catches it as he’s going over the try line, and that’s it. There’s got to be more to it than that.
Nope. If it was any more complicated than that, the players would forget the rules.
And you know, of course, why Scotland’s cricketers are so much worse than the English? Its because in schools all over the country, the only kids who played were the poofy ones that couldn’t play football. Same goes for basketball.
Its so strange to see these enormous, super-skilled animals on American TV playing this poofy girly game that only the weediest nerds at our school ever played – unless there was too much of a blizzard to play football. Then we’d have to go inside to the gym and “play” basketball. Of course, within 5 minutes, it would have changed into a game of 5-a-side (or more likely 15-a-side).
“Lads, lads, come on! Youse urnae supposed tae kick the baw!”
HG, they were priceless mate. Back to the topic at hand though, the Poms have got buckleys. I’m tired of baiting poms around Taiwan, I’ve yet to meet or hear of one that will enter into a slanging match. I’ll go on record now as say THE ENGLISH CRICKET TEAM ARE C.R.A.P. Go Aussies. Go Warnie. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie. Jeez I’d love a VB right now. But of course I’ll have to settle for turning my latop speaker up full boar and listening to Paul Kelly singing Leaps and Bounds as I dance around the lounge in my jocks skulling Qingdao cans. Ah, just another day in Taiwan.
And how mad and stupid is it to allow young children to play shinty ? No shinpads or helmets or full body armour or anything. On an all-weather pitch. It was great at the time actually. But that’s not the point. (I don’t think it had any rules ?)
You Aussies out there:
As I’ve been saying all along, if Nick Knight and a couple more of his Warwickshire teammates had been included in the England Test side, we wouldn’t be three down and the Ashes kissed goodbye already – or at least we wouldn’t have lost by such wide margins. Just look at the first one-dayer – Knighty comes in for his first game, and notches up a splendid unbeaten hundred. But he can’t do it on his own. He needs some support from other world-class cricketers. Giles is injured, alas, but at least let’s see Bell and Troughton in England shirts giving the Aussies a run for their money.
And to Sandman and Hexuan, how about rugger as a manly game? Yes, in my school we day boys used to play footy whenever we could, much to the derision of the masters and boarders who looked down on the round-ball working man’s game. But enjoying footie didn’t mean that we couldn’t also have a great time scrapping with the oval ball as well.
And talking of rugby, Amos, Big Babou, et al…
Listen Ommie, maybe horse rider racked up a few runs in the one dayers, but the end result was the same. We won.
Now, I for one hope you guys can eventually get a decent team up and running, and there are signs that it could happen soon. Apparently the Aussies aren’t producing many kids down under, in proportion to world birth standards (somebody’s letting the team down). Now what your government should be doing is encouraging sex. While us Aussies are in the backyard with our mates hammering down cans, you guys should be in the cot hammering your missus’. Twenty years down the track, you should have put together more than enough fine cricketers. You’ll have more young blokes than we’ll surely have anyway.
And although Knight is seeing the ball ok at the moment, like a 15 year old girl, all he needs is a couple more footy seasons, then he’ll be just right.
Rugby? What Rugby? I’m from Melbourne mate. Go Hawks. Cheers Amos.
It’s Eddo Brandes, and he’s Zimbabwean.
And the Mars Bar anecdote: The true story involves a rather rotund Australian number 3–Boonie.
Warnie did his shoulder in the one dayer. By the way, the Poms were belted in that game too. This hightens the chances of them at least putting us in twice 
The real question is, will you Aussies actually feel PROUD to have smashed the English cricketers? It doesn’t seem to be much of an achievement. 
If Warne can’t demolish them, then MacGill will!!! 
I feel sorry for the Poms. Even NZ put up a much better showing last summer.
Mate, proud? Off course. Although we’re not really playing for the Ashes, it’s for the laugh from the Pommy newspapers upon the aftermath.
By Omniloquacious [quote]And talking of rugby, Amos, Big Babou, et al… [/quote] Uh oh … A last-ditch try by Australian speedster Drew Mitchell sealed a thrilling win over England in the South Africa Sevens overnight in George.
We’re holding back, saving ourselves for next year’s world cup. That’s the one that really counts. With just a little bit of luck on our side, we can look forward to hoisting the silver in the crickers as well as the rugger.
omniludicrous
Yep, the Poms took a true thrashing but it has to be said; the Aussie team are a shadow of their former selves. What happened to the likes of Hughes, Boon, Lillie, Thompson, Border, etc. It’s just a bunch of boring wankers now. All make-up and sunnies!
A bit harsh Mark. Gilchrist has an avarage of 57, after what 40 or more tests, and he’s only a keeper. Not to metion Warne and McGrath. Need I say more. And Hayden, now come on mate. Do some detective work on his last few years. It’s always hard to compare eras, but I think Waughs group would more than hold there own against any side Thommo and Lillee played in.
What Omni L. said was only half ludicrous, given the following scoreline in rugby tests over the last three years:
England 8 Australia/New Zealand/South Africa 0
What is really ludicrous is handing a free berth at the 2006 World Cup to the wanky Aussie football team. (Anyone mind if I change the subject to a sport that actually matters?) Yep, Sepp Fatbastard Blatter has done it again. Decent teams like Holland and the Czech Republic will be eliminating each other in the qualifiers while we can look forward to seeing…er…Mark Viduka and Kevin Muscat on the world stage.
We’re on a roll! A crushing demolition of the Lankans yesterday.
Aussies, start to quake in yer boots!
And talking of the footie, I do favour the extra world cup berth for Oceania. As the most backward member of the global football family, they need to be given a leg up. But without El Tel at the helm, they probably still won’t be able to cut it. Of course, El Tel will be looking for a job again soon…