Will my boyfriend be upset that I'm not a virgin?

Life Dating & Relationships
1

I’m an American in a relationship with a Taiwanese guy. We’re both in our mid 20s and I see this relationship going somewhere serious. When it comes to intimacy, we’ve done things up to third base, but one time when we were discussing sex he said that he believes people should wait until marriage. He said in addition that he wanted to respect me and didn’t want out relationship become something that is just based on sex with no deeper base behind it. I can understand where he’s coming from, although to me
I don’t see what we’re doing right now to really be night and day different from penetrative sex. I’m also completely fine with how things are right now. However, I’m worried about what he’ll think about the fact that I’m not a virgin. I’ve slept with two other guys in the U.S. For my boyfriend, this is his first relationship and I’ve been his first kiss and first everything. He knows I’ve dated other guys in the past, but seems to be under the impression that I’m still a virgin. I’m afraid that if I tell him, this will make the relationship dynamic unbalanced, or he might not be able to understand the cultural reasons for something like this. On the other hand, I feel like not telling him is being dishonest.

Do people have any thoughts about what I should do about this? If you think I should tell him, what’s the best way to bring it up/handle it?

2

If he has a problem with it, then that’s his problem that he needs to deal with. Not yours. And if he can’t accept that, then he will lose the only woman who has been with him. It’s unfair to put this pressure on you, especially for something in the past before you met him that you have no control over in the present.

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3

He probably will tbh with what you’ve told us. One of the many consequences of sex is your future partner might care.

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Did he ask? Did you somehow insinuate that you were a virgin?

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He said something about not wanting to break my hymen.

6

Probably better to tell him sooner rather than later. Premarital sex is the norm in Taiwan, but your guy sounds like he’s on the conservative side.

This makes him sound a bit naive, so you’ll probably want to break it to him gently.

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Well then he might be troubled if it comes up in the future. Tell him now and deal with it. If it’s too much for him to handle, I can’t really see what you’re losing out on, if you ask me.

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image

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I was going to offer my help in this post but I don’t know what haters would say.

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I don’t fully agree. People’s past do matter in the big picture. Your actions are going to be judged whether you like it or not. It’s just the reality, you can’t control how people feel. There are people who do care about this and that’s important to them.

I’ve known many guys and girls who believe in waiting till marriage and expect their SO to be the same. Most of them look quite happy married to someone like that. It’s part of their value, not going to argue if it’s right or wrong here. But you do lose out on certain people for what you do in the past in anything.

The best thing here is imo is to be honest as with all aspects of a healthy relationship. Maybe he will understand, maybe he expects a virgin just like him. It’s just the reality.

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11

I don’t think your relationship is likely to last. Dump him.

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12

Don’t tell him unless he asks.

Seriously. It doesn’t really matter. What he don’t know won’t hurt him. :whistle:

Do tell him the hymen thing is a myth, though. Everyone should receive that bit of education.

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But what if he asks down the road, and it becomes an issue at that point, when you have more invested in it?

14

He’s clearly a weirdo who’ll expect blood on their wedding night or something. She needs to get well away from him.

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15

It might matter to him. And maybe that’s a deal breaker for you. But lying to him and misleading him about something he find important (if he does) isn’t very honest in a relationship.

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16

Sounds like a him problem and not a her problem. Wouldn’t you establish your dealbreakers earlier on in a relationship?

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He has established a deal breaker. He wants a virgin. She isn’t.

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18

It’s going to be her problem because she’ll have invested a lot of time etc. at that point, and may not wish to lie, or there may be consequences to lying.

Doesn’t that mean telling him now?

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Also possible. But I mean, some people do get over that later. He might just need a bit of education.

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OP doesn’t seem to be absolutely certain whether this really matters to him or if he’s simply misled about her level of sexual experience. Correct me if I’m wrong, as I’m walking and posting at the same time.

If I knew it mattered to a guy I’d tell him. Otherwise, how the hell should I know, you know?