It was a Friday evening like many others. My wife and I just finished having dinner and we were starting to tidy the table and wash dishes. Then my wife asked me something that changed my life forever:“How’s the weather going to be this weekend?”
I did what anyone in my position would have done: I grabbed my smartphone, opened Wunderground and looked for the weather in Yilan. Very often when I look for weather in YILAN I get results from random areas of the region, so I try to always be very specific and I ask for the weather of YILAN CITY because it’s usually a good indicator of the weather for the central part of the region. I let autofill work its magic and I pick YILAN CITY, TAIWAN.
Well, my first reaction was obviously:“You fuckers…China my ass”. But I soon realized that this didn’t make much sense. The temperature has nothing to do with Taiwan this period of the year, so I had a look at the map and it pointed to some unknown place in the middle of nowhere in China, North of North Korea. In this situation I always assume user error: maybe I made a typo? Missclicked on the autocorrect? Had a stroke? So I proceeded to select the VERY CLEARLY VISIBLE “YILAN CITY, TAIWAN” at the top of the screen.
I get the exact same result.
This is the point where my slow descent into the abyss started. I couldn’t fathom what was going on. How could Wunderground fail so miserably? By which logic could the system consistently give me the result for the wrong location, while at the same time showing me the right location as part of my recent searches?
This was the point where my capacity for rational thought went on a break and was replaced by insanity. Out of the many options I had, I decided to keep clicking YILAN CITY, TAIWAN at the top of the screen, hoping to eventually bypass the Yilan, fuckingmiddleofnowhere, China
My wife was already upstairs by that time, I have no idea I long I spent standing in the kitchen while furiously clicking “YILAN CITY, TAIWAN”. I slowly started to feel a connection between my regular conscience and my inner Ted Bundy, Charles Manson and all the several Mohammeds who decide to become drivers of cars and trucks of peace.
For a brief moment I stopped gazing into the abyss and a glimpse of rationality took control: Yo m8, turn off the phone, go to the pc and open Wunderground from there". Yes, that was the solution. It had to be.
I got the SAME RESULT.
At this point many people would have simply snapped. Some would have committed a genocide in the name of the Greater Good, some would have started jacking off in front of the monitor…but I didn’t. I stared into the abyss long enough that I finally became it. I reached the ultimate level of enlightenment, and as Wunderground was sitting there, looking at me and judging me, thinking that it finally managed to break me, I looked back at it as my hands started approaching the keyboard.
www.weather.com . As my index finger approached the Enter button, I felt the power of Wunderground slowly fading. It had already lost any control over me, so it could only stay back and witness its inevitable demise.
Fuck you, Wunderground.
I feed off other people’s Schadenfreude, it gives me enduring strength. Well, the Genki Dama of Schadenfreude that I generated that night had the mass of Goatse’s cavity. If during the last few days you suddenly felt a rush of energy, a desire to break your limits and reach the next level of Ubermensch, I think you should at least know where it all originated.