My daughter has been a fighter and does pretty well, but now this not fitting in is grating on her. In elementary school it was a little rocky, but she got into the school’s magnet art program and got good friends to grow up with who also studied at our little bushi ban and she felt like she fit in for the most part.
Now in the second year of Jr. HS it’s starting to grate on her. Also past bullying events are coming to light but the past can’t be changed.
She’s now in the school’s magnet music program and does pretty well in her subjects, a little above average. Her English is good.
Now here is the thing. Her classmates borrow things like music stands or flutes but when it’s her turn for help, they don’t help.
In English class the kids want her to do their homework for them. But when she says that she won’t but she will be happy to teach, they roll their eyes. They will take instruction from 100% Taiwanese kids who don’t even do well in English but not her.
She is excluded from general parties or get togethers, but when it comes time for group projects,she either does most of the work or is the anchor. When she stops delivering, she is excluded.
This is not elementary school anymore. We can’t come down and pounce on the idiots. When kids speak up with problems or parents complain, she feels it would create more problems.
It seems that she just wants “real friends” and hates being different. I’ve got two daughters and a son right behind her. Should I quietly try to talk to the teachers. I try to tell her that those kids that exclude are not worth it…
No, we can’t come to the city. We have family in this area and we are basically country bumpkins. There must be a way to cross this silly interpersonal bridge of being different.
Can you tell us some reasons why she may be excluded and why you say she is different? I used to teach, one girl used to studdered in class when she read in a very strong class of students. She was often left out and excluded for this reason, doesn’t help it’s a class of all girls. Buy eventually I talked to kids, and one thing I did was reward kids that help other kids in class and reward them with bonus points on daily tests and quizzes. Crazy how the girls went from cliquey to helping each other quickly. I know your not in control of the class. But it’s difficult to help you with the information you given us.
Don’t want to identify current teachers so here’s an example from elementary school… When my daughter volunteered to do something, a teacher now retired, said that she was white and white people can’t do anything… OK…
This mentality doesn’t go away… It get’s better but … with out incriminating people, you get the idea. Even though she was born in the hospital across the street from the school, speaks Taiwanese and Chinese, they still say she is a dumb foreigner…
This is despite answering complicated questions in Chinese literature or having good English grades.
She tries to be accommodating and friendly but the majority seem to not think she is one of them.
So she is white in a Chinese school with almost all Taiwanese kids is what you would think is the primary cause of this issue.
No, she’s mixed. But all her life people called her Wai guo ren.
Andrew, how long have you been here? Do you have kids?
The way you are reflecting back to me seems that you are not in touch with a very real issue. I’m a veteran of many bullying battles my friend. I’m now running out of ammo and need even more wizened advice.
Here is one resource that will help educate you… a little bit.
You may be a fine teacher but, … you’d know what I’m talking about instinctively if you were of a class to help. Of course, I could be wrong and would gladly consider advice from everyone.
The funny thing is… she is considered white by the locals but she is Taiwanese and yes, American too. The rest need not be explained.
The key points… she does well in school. She understands all subjects, a bit weak in math and answers questions in both. She performed well in the art program of elementary school and is performing well in the music program of her current school.
She seems to be stood up though and excluded from things. Invitation to parties, even snacks being passed out, sometimes. People ask her for help, but seldom gets to take it.
listen buddy, I don’t think anyone could have helped you from the original post, the information you gave had zero insights for anyone to understand the situation. You basically said she is getting excluded, who didn’t growing up. And you said she was different. What does that mean? She could have Aspergers or something for all I know. You didn’t mentioned she was mixed, i’d be impressed if anyone could give you a answer from your original post.
the way i’m responding to you is because there’s not enough information. I was born here and I’m mixed so I can understand first hand of what she is going through. I grew up in the US in some pretty homogeneous white neighborhoods in the south and some not so good areas that I had to fight through bullying myself moving there without knowing a lick of English.
My apologies… I’m a bit over tired…
I forgot to mentioned the “mixed” part.
You are a survivor and that’s great. I guess you are a teacher here and that is very commendable.
When I first came here, mixed or even ABC were not welcome and were severely underpaid in the teaching fields but loved in the entertainment fields.
But, my girl is 13 years old. She does not want to fight. She just feels used, sometimes. Remember, she grew up in the same village she was born in. But still sometimes thought of as an outsider.
Kids can be really cruel and for the most part they don’t realise how nasty they’re being and how it can affect the person. I remember growing up there was one kid from the Czech Republic. Well… he wasn’t, he was born in the same town we both went to school in, he was English but he was bullied everyday by most of the class because he had a ‘funny name’ and his parents spoke with an accent.
Anyway, I don’t know what the solution is, but having a loving family that is there for her will help. The good thing is she is telling you she’s getting bullied. She feels she can talk to you about it. She’s not just bottling it up. I think that’s important.
My suggestions would be to try and ‘force’ friendships with other girls in her class. Contact some parents (not of the bullies) you know at the school and invite their daughters over to yours for want-of-a-better-word, a play date. A more teenage version. Watching a movie possibly? A sleepover?
Or, maybe even better, invite the parents over too. You and your wife and their parents do ‘old, boring people things’ while the kids bond in her room?
This is something I’m worried about because I do see myself raising a family in Asia… hopefully things do get sorted out for you and your daughter!
I don’t really know the answer but that age group seems to be the worst for bullying.
Not sure if much consolation but they usually get nicer again by around age 15. This was my experience in school and also observations here.
If mixed children look somewhat foreign they will always be looked upon as foreigners, it seems, no matter how fluent they are in the local languages. After 20 years they still get compliments such as “Your Chinese is really good”, even when it is their mother tongue being born here.
Hate to say that, but your daughter may just have to tough it out during those difficult JHS years, when kids are so immature. A strong support system by parents, siblings and relatives will go a long way. Rather than look to parties or larger peer activities there maybe one or two kids in the class who are brave enough to buck the peer pressure and establish genuine friendship with your daughter. Sometimes there are local kids in the class who don’t fit in or are ostracized for various reasons and your daughter could seek them out. I wish you all the best in a challenging and trying situation.
have to agree with schwarzwald, brianjones and meldrew back there: kids are just horrible creatures (especially other peoples’ kids), and there’s not much you can do about that. School is awful. Most people look back on school and say it’s awful. Everyone gets their own version of ‘awful’.
Teachers are also awful. I remember getting a racist comment similar to the one you mention. I was about six at the time, and I can recall being baffled and embarrassed, especially since the comment was made in front of the class. What can you do? Nothing. People are who they are, and teachers here are accorded respect even when they don’t deserve it.
Having said that, schools are like countries: they all have their own differences and unique culture. It could be you live in a neighbourhood populated by bogans (or whatever the Taiwanese equivalent is), and the best solution might be to find another school where the kids aren’t all retarded. One or two bad teachers can terrorize an entire generation of kids. Take an honest look at the culture of your school and ask yourself if assholery is positively encouraged. If it is, get out.
It’s quite normal, I think, to have just a small group of close friends at high school. Not everyone can be or wants to be the most popular kid in the class, so if you can find a school where she can at least achieve that modest goal, she’ll probably be a lot happier.
are you sure this is happening, taiwanese tell me everyday that they are f r i e n d l y! i can’t imagine them doing this.
all jokes aside, as others have said kids can be pretty brutal. i grew up in a countryside village too and and black, chinese or indian kids had a rough time even from the earliest years. it might be that she just needs to toughen up. this is basically going to happen to her for her whole life in taiwan due to the ‘f r i e n d l y’ culture. she will have to learn how to deal with it at some point. moving to a different school could work too. you could also show up at the classroom m13 style and murk the teachers and bullying kids while filming it. probably won’t do much good but will get some youtube views.
M13 style worked well in elementary school. I could share some great busting stories where the Godfather kid who was leading the taunting was busted from the back of the class by wifey, teachers etc and sent to the office and perhaps the hickory stick.
But this is Junior Highschool and we can’t use such methods anymore.
As for Youtube views, it has to be as private as possible. Infact the teachers are former colleagues, classmate or acquaintances of my wife. This is a small town, where billybob, marriebob, suzybob could be on the bench and jury. Too bad these cousins in charge are not my cousins but someone else’s cousins. So, everything must be done diplomatically.
Once thing I can’t get about Chinese culture is that pointing out mistakes or righting wrongs causes loss of face and sometimes is regarded as more of a crime than the crime. Even my Chinese friends are frustrated about this but no one wants to change it.
In the case of bullying, if all of a sudden lectures start getting delivered about it, it will be obvious why and who it was meant for. As an example. One girl for some reason dyed her hair purple and could not get her natural color back quickly. The anti bullying lectures started to appear and everyone knew who it was meant for.
Yes, I agree with a poster who says kids are mean evil creatures. True. Even my school life was hell. I have a minor visual and coordination disability that makes me appear goofy and really got taunted. Even here in Taiwan with some enlightened Chinese. I have to tell my kids, 4 of them, that they can only expect one or two good friends in school and don’t worry about what people are saying. They are just the sheep on the farm and the stress they are causing you will help you be a better person and a problem solver.
I’m doing a survey of the Chinese literature. Posts by mixed blood survivors. Man, some of these stories are dripping with vitriol but the supporting facts detail almost exactly the same experience my daughter is going through.
I’m thinking of collecting some papers along with the article I cited earlier and quietly, meet with the schools principal.
But, when I tried to deal with Chinese in power, no matter if it is a small customer complaint to just an inquiry. They go nuts wanting to do something for the foreigners, not just sitting, talking and thinking.
(It’s weird, almost as if there is no “conditional tense” in their thinking. Not so with my Chinese friends.
There is also an other problem. Some teachers say PE where they should wander the field or court trying to promote good sportsmanship and inclusion are now spending time on their phones and are not getting involved. This is a recent change. Again… I can’t and don’t want to be too specific.
I’ll link and translate some first hand experiences in the near future. If you have any kids in the 8th, 4th, and 3rd grades who are mixed and can think of a way to create a healthy support group, please Private message me. If you have professional experience dealing with these kids and have some helpful things to say to these kids , please contact me too.
I feel for you and your daughter. My guess is that things will improve with age (as others have suggested). My life experience has told me that people that bully, exclude, etc. end up being a sorry lot at around the age of (late) high school and definitely in college.
But that doesn’t solve your immediate problem. Maybe you could get her involved in activities outside of school. If she’s good in sports, for example, you could have her involved in a team and as long as she’s good in her sport, nothing else really matters.
How about the Taipei City Playgroup?
You could at least find other parents to talk to. There are also certain activities that they sponsor in which your daughter might excel, like the Stage Time and Juice. There are also various social activities they organize, like the Halloween party. She will probably meet a friend or two there who might be able to relate what your daughter is going through (lots of families like yours involved with this group).
Edit: Feel free to PM me if you’re interested in going to the Halloween event. Nothing has been announced yet, but this does seem to be an activity that’s held every year. I could introduce you to others (not so involved in the group, but I do know a few people), and your daughter could hang out with our daughter during the event.
Even if it’s not as serious as what you describe, it’s a legitimate issue. Your point is understood, but please also understand that this is a problem for the OP and his child and this thread should remain focused on ways that they can handle it. Problems don’t become any less serious, or unworthy of discussion, simply because other more serious problems exist.
Maybe she can join a sports team? Thats honestly how I got accepted, I never stayed at the same school for more than 1-2 years. So sports was my salvation in getting accepted quickly in school.
Suck it up! That is the Taiwan way. This is the thing…
She is in the school orchestra. She is in the magnet school’s music program. In elementary school she was in the magnet school’s art program and did rather well indeed.
She is kind of like an appliance. She can be useful, they come to her. They need to borrow a flute, a music stand, etc they come to her. She needs something it’s sorry. Other times she’s kind of invisible.
This doesn’t make one feel good.
Yes, other people were bullied ten times worse. Even me back home due to some learning problems and coordination problems I have. It doesn’t make one feel good. I’ve always had one or two friends to be my anchors growing up.
She would probably be happy in Taipei or a more international setting but our family is in rural Pingtung and that’s where we stay.
So, yes, some kind words or some empathizing kids my children can write to or chat with would be nice. My daughter would love to take part in the playgroup activities. She is a ham and did some voice acting for an educational toy. But there is not much here in Rural Taiwan along that line.
Here are a collection of stories and recollections from mixed blood kids.
Here is the complete page in a link… http://oops.udn.com/oops/story/6699/1548790
Sorry for the Chinese. There is just way too much going on right now to translate… Hopefully Google will be good enough or someone could lend a hand. Thanks
OP: unfortunately, you can’t change idiots. However, if moving schools is absolutely out of the question, your daughter will cope better if she learns to just tell bullies/users/bigots to fuck off. It’ll stand her in good stead in later life. Bizarrely enough, I discovered some bullies are keen to be your best buddy as soon as you kick the shit out of them, although I wouldn’t recommend that course of action: it’s usually adequate to let them know you don’t care whether they like you or not, and that you’re not going to put up with any crap. If your daughter attempts to curry favour with unpleasant characters, she’s just going to be endlessly disappointed at the result.