I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you to all who chimed in to offer support. I know this might seem odd, but I reach out to friends often so I can remind myself of just how much of a mess this whole thing was. At this point, my work permits have been issued and I can go to NIA to get my ARC. The ex is being a real scumbag about the entire thing...and it's really the worst pain I've ever felt in my life.
I read these forums and see people who have had it far worse than me...and try to keep my head up on the issue. I guess what I am sad about is that for five years I carried this woman. She was a millstone around my neck...I helped her launch a business during our marriage. The things she pulled are just outrageous for someone who claims to have "loved" me and she still is RUSHING me to sign papers.
For some dumb reason, I wanted to believe in something that was just not there. I was afraid of being alone in a foreign country where I felt like I had no friends. Early in our marriage, I realized that something wasn't right because I never got to see my wife. So, with nothing else to do I played video games and hung out (as any normal dude might). Unfortunately, it seemed everything about me was just unacceptable to her...she nagged...she picked...she started EVERY fight we were ever in. I performed poorly in these fights and do feel terribly about my part.
I just wanted to say thank you...I am really sad that this is happening to me, but at the same time am happy that I do not have someone bossing me around all the time...taking and never giving. I look at all of the things I have to offer a mate...and see that I am a good man with a very big heart. I am just terrified of being alone...and dislike very much sleeping alone after all these years.
It sucks but for some stupid reason, I still feel something for her...even though I know it is wrong and even though she has given me nothing but venom and hatred. It is ALL my fault...I am the one to blame...I am the one who "fucked it up". When does this go away...I am so very tired of feeling sad.