Me and my wife having relationship issues in our marriage. At this point I feel I am going crazy and I don’t even know if I trust my own thoughts anymore. I don’t even know if what we have is salvageable at this point.
I am working on getting some relationship counseling from https://www.communitycenter.org.tw/ but don’t have an appointment yet.
I would like independent perspective on what I feel and whether the issues I see are legitimate or not.
I am a western male married to a Taiwanese woman with 3 kids.
Often in arguments or disagreements she will threaten divorce to get power over me because she knows that it will upset me and I will give in. She also knows that my Chinese is bad and I would struggle to be a single father to 3 kids (while working with a long commute).
She has never been happy with me or accept me for who I am. There is always something that I need to change about myself and it is never ending list. Currently she is unhappy because I am not “sweet” enough or I don’t treat her like she is my daughter / like I am her father. Most of the request are so vague it is impossible to know what they mean / satisfy them.
I don’t feel love from her, there is no intimacy and sex is rare. I have tried to improve the intimacy between us but she tells me that for any efforts I make, I should expect nothing in return. I feel she only spends time with me when I ask her to, I feel she spends time with me only because she feels obligated to, not because she want’s to.
She has decided to study at the open university and this means many evenings are study and homework. Because of this, I have to negotiate time to spend with her. There are some classes in weekends and she also goes to seminars during the weekend. I am left with the children in these cases and after class she will go out with her class mates and come back late. I struggle to look after 3 children by myself (especially when it is both days of the weekend) and there is no discussion about how her study affects me or the family and any disagreement around her study results in threat of divorce. She just tells me she will be away these dates and I need to look after kids. I have to accept it, there is no discussion.
I will offer to work from home (privilege the company gives staff) in order to look after our youngest child when she has yoga classes / appointments. The understanding is the class is an hour in the morning (10am) and I need to work the rest of the day. Often she will call me afterwards and tell me she want’s to have lunch with a friend (I hate to say no but do hesitate, tell her not to be long, she takes that as a yes) and then comes back at 3pm. Once I said no to her and she went to lunch anyway. I feel this is disrespectful as I am not on leave and am supposed to be working.
In general I feel the love in the relationship is very one sided (me to her) and I don’t feel I receive much in return in our relationship. I feel the constant need to prove myself good enough for her while she is still not happy drains my energy and makes me depressed.
In general I still have hope and still want to work through the issues but I feel her feeling is to threaten divorce or tell me to find someone else if I am not happy with her.