Living here in Taiwan as foreigners, I know I’m beating a dead horse when I say we all face certain degrees of inequality and a general sense of “you’re not one of us” here. I don’t really need to list specific examples, but I’ll quickly mention a few that bother me: getting looks on the street like I’m some kind of exotic animal in a zoo, getting stopped to take a photo or be recorded for an interview, not receiving the same LNY bonus as fellow Taiwanese coworkers, adjacent seats on buses/trains being left empty but ones that become available are quickly filled if it’s next to a Taiwanese person, and most recently, not being eligible for the $6,000 tax rebate even though I pay taxes.
I suppose a partner should be the person who you can go to for a sense of comfort, empathy, and “I’m on your side” understanding. My Taiwanese partner tends to put the “blame” (for lack of a better word right now) on me - this conversation has come up various times, whenever a new example presents itself and I want to vent. Quotes such as “well, you should’ve known what you were getting into when you moved to Asia” or “this is just how it is here and you just need to stop letting it bother you.” Not exactly the type of response that I appreciate.
Any advice, thoughts, similar stories to share regarding how to deal with this situation or what you make of this situation? Am I too sensitive? Are my expectations too high?
P.S. I am fully aware that I made the decision to live here and that I continue to live here, so no need for answers like “just move back to your home country.” I do have my reasons for wanting to live here, despite the drawbacks (and no, Taiwanese food is not one of them).
There’s not enough information to say though. Maybe she’s right. If you’re the type of person that these things are going to eat away at, it may not end well. In general worrying over things you have no capacity to change or affect is not advisable.
But she’s not wrong. Sorry to hear it’s getting you down, but might as well be shaking our fists in rage at the sun coming up in the morning or going down at night.
As for dealing with stares, ignore them. To people who want to say “hello” just smile and say hello back. Be happy and you find others will be happy too.
Very reasonable thoughts. Don’t feel guilty about your feelings. I don’t have a real solution but the only way I see to make it work is for you to talk to her about this. Not about how hard you have it here but about what you want from her. Let her know you don’t want her to solve the society but you expect her to be on your side. That in a different society, with different values, behavior and language than your own, you need someone that understands who you really are. That you are looking for safety and validation of those thoughts and feelings. Well at least that’s what you should expect. If you expect more from her then it’s on you imo.
if she took a selfie with you while discussing these things and then posted on LINE or FB to say how sad you are in order to get likes, then, yeah, maybe time to switch partners
Unless your partner has lived on their own, outside the country, their parents have likely looked after the minutiae of their every move. Not showing empathy is to be expected.
You’re not the same. Sameness is the goal for many people. Don’t sweat it.
This is a bonus.
“You think too much, la!” Wait until you and your partner go through something where they have to expend time or money to sort it out. Their attitude will change. My wife’s did. She didn’t realize what a frustrating clusterfuck life is for foreigners until I got her to go with me to the bank the first time. After that, and other things, she expects fucknoodles to make it difficult for us.
Hey, try to don’t get annoyed with these things. One thing that annoyed me for months was the way how people carelessly walk on the street, bump into you, block your way, or simply ignore you are there on the street. Nowadays I just ignore it and most of the time I laugh at it.
Let’s not mention the aggressive way people drive here, but hey, my time, energy, and especially my mood are more important than spending my attention on these annoyances.
Start to build a filter and soon you will not even notice these things anymore.
This is actually not bad advice, although not necessarily easy to put into practice. Some foreigners are able to adapt to life here, and some aren’t. Some adapt quickly, and some take more time. Only you can determine whether Taiwan is a good fit for you. And if it isn’t, there’s no shame in moving on. You could also try switching to a more supportive partner and see if that does the trick.
Yeah, there is something to be said for acceptance.
In my case, this definitely helps
Yeah, I don’t mind the extra space. And for every time I’ve had a random unpleasant encounter on the street, there has been something cool like a movie role I only got for being foreign (in Taiwan, neither, very dull here)
Might not be possible. I know I’m not eligible
Hear hear
Yup
Yup. Although in my experience a local partner for a serious relationship has been very difficult to find. Mostly boring first dates with women I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with.
I wonder how long OP has been here, and how long in the relationship?
Well, you should have known what you were getting into. This is just how it is here, and you just need to stop letting it bother you.
Seriously though: This is not bad advice. Taiwan is Taiwan. Your partner is your partner. Are you going to change any of them? No. You can change your own attitude and approach though.
You get used to being looked at on the street. After a while, you do not even notice it anymore.
You are not “one of them”. But I have good news for you, you are “one of us”.
I’ve definitely been in the same situation. I don’t know your partner but with mine it turned out not to come from a place of malice but ignorance. I had to find a way to slowly teach him the way westerners think. And also teach him how the world works in a factual way rather than what some broke aunty told him, aka his mum, and he believed.
I also found learning more Chinese helped… as it’s much more direct in many ways. So I learnt that what might come across as insulting in English might just be a passing comment in Chinese.
So I guess we had to learn how each other thinks so I was not so easily offended and so he understood why I felt the way I felt.
Inter-cultural couples often have communication problems.
Eastern culture isn’t known to be particularly empathetic, that doesn’t mean they aren’t caring though.
P.S. if you don’t like getting looked at on the street I’d suggest moving to a more remote area. You’ll get looks for the first few weeks (maybe months depending) but then you’ll just be treated as part of the furniture
Yes, this is important. Adaptation happens in stages, and each takes time. If he’s relatively early in the journey, there’s hope. If he’s been here for many years, maybe not.
As for the PO partner doesn’t know how it works in foreigners world, probably thinks you’re insulting Taiwanese people.
My partner does so carefully word my complaints.
On the street you need to become as detached them.
A number of people have stated that It’s best to ditch the partner and I would agree unless you can sit down and have an honest conversation about this kind of behavior. I think that in any kind of relationship it’s important to pay attention to how the other person(s) behave because it can be a predictor of future behavior. Years ago a friend of mine had asked me if he and his girlfriend of many years should get married. I took a deep breath and thought about something he’d told me some time earlier. In a drunken rage, his GF had slapped him on the side of his head and burst his eardrum. Later (while drunk and agree) she slashed one of his paintings and on another occasion called him up to let him know she’d be going out with some colleagues for a drink after work. Around midnight she called again from some strange guy’s apartment to let him know where she was. So, I looked at him and said, “Paul, what do you want me to say?” Of course he ignored my points and they got married. Years later they’re still married and miserable. Both are alcoholics and have 2 kids. It’s a mess. The signs were there all along. As a side note, he was just as much to blame for their misery.
I’ve noticed quite a few foreigners who get involved with Taiwanese women run into similar problems. They tend to put blinders on and ignore all the warnings signs. Get married, have kids, and end up being miserable because of some of the weird ways Taiwanese interact with each other. It just doesn’t work for most foreigners. Not everyone runs into this, but many do.
If you’re not getting empathy now, then it probably won’t be coming your way in the future. People change, but for many Taiwanese, relationships are like business transactions. To be fair, there re plenty of people in the West who also run into similar problems, but I’ve just noticed that it’s much stronger here.
