You know you’re a tubaozi (Taiwanese redneck) if:
1: The a/c in your car is broken and your arm hangs limp out the open
window.
2: Your car is not turbocharged, but you have the stickers.
3: You have a waving hand toy in your car’s rear window.
4: You can’t see out the rear window for the stick on animals.
5: You drive a Yue Loong with BMW badges on it.
6: The make and model badges on your car are spelt wrong.
7: Your three favorite expressions are “it’s not possible”, “it doesn’t
matter” and “it’s good enough”.
8: You think “Old MacDonald” was Ronald’s dad.
9: You throw your garbage out the window of your car while driving.
10: You chew betelnut and are honestly surprised when you meet someone
who doesn’t.
11: You think Taiwan Beer is internationally famous.
12: You drink Wisbih.
13: You drink red wine at NT$700 a bottle, but mix it with Apple Sidra
and ice because it tastes better.
14: You have stickers on the back of car that say “No Kiss”.
15: You walk your dog by tying it to your scooter and dragging it around
the block.
16: You have 5 kids, the youngest is a boy.
17: You think Chen Jin Shin was just misunderstood and unlucky.
18: You miss the days when the DPP used to hold the parliament building
seige.
19: You support Ah Bien, but would have prefered Dzu Ge Liang for
President.
20: You have no money in your pocket, but have a Benz to drive around
and borrow against.
21: Your Benz cost more than your house.
22: You moved your living room upstairs so you can fit the Benz in the
front room.
23: You don’t own any socks.
24: You have ever worn a watch that is, or looks anything like, a Rolex.
25: You sold your farm, bought a Benz, and put the rest of the cash in
the stock market.
26: You now complain that Ah Bian made you poor.
27: Every car you ever owned was yellow.
28: On public holidays, you wait in the breakdown lane until midnight to
avoid paying the freeway toll.
29: You triple-park when there is a parking space only 50 meters away.
30: You have 3 kids and take them everywhere on your scooter.
31: You drive the wrong way up one-way streets.
32: You smoke in the elevator.
33: You smoke in the 7-11.
34: You think being an entrepeneur is sitting in the local convenience
store playing pachinko while waiting for your big
chance to come along.
35: All your heroes have tattoos and have been in jail.
36: You think a scenic area is a street with many betelnut stalls.
37: You have a crush on a girl who sells betelnut.
38: You use a coathanger to hook to toys out of the grappling-arm
machine.
39: You teach your kids how to use a coathanger to…
40: You start every other conversation with “Let me tell you…”
41: You car always carries at least one paper cup with some tissue paper
in it.
42: You only brake for betelnuts.
43: You are still trying to figure out how to make a profit from the
9-21 earthquake.
44: You own a construction company.
45: When you grow up, you want to drive a gravel truck.
46: You think a two-seater is a blue flatbed truck.
47: You use the parking garage in your apartment building as a storage
area for your construction equipment.
48: You are over 28, still live with your parents, have no job and are
not looking for one.
49: You have never had a sexual experience you didn’t pay for.
50: Your kids have scooters with no mufflers and you think it’s cool.
51: You take your garbage to the mountains and dump or burn it.
52: You used to have a dog, but threw it away.
53: You still have a dog, but never let it out of it’s cage.
54: On holidays, you burn paper money in the stairwell of your apartment
building.
55: You went to your wedding in a car with sugarcane tied to it.
56: When there’s a traffic jam on the freeway, you drive up the hard
shoulder.
57: Your car has no license plates, but is marked ‘farm use’.
58: The tailights on your car or motorcycle all flash on and off when
you brake.
59: You keep a chicken on the balcony of your apartment.
60: You own a tiny rice paddy between modern apartment buildings.
61: You believe the motorcycle lane of the street in front of your house
is actually your own personal parking space and
‘guard’ it with concrete flower pots.
62: You always press both the ‘up’ and ‘down’ buttons to call the
elevator.
63: You feel it’s somehow a loss of face to stop at a red light,
especially behind the white line.
64: You waited for an auspicious day before collecting your new car.
65: You drive even faster than usual in the rain because you know there
are no cops around.
66: You feel very uncomfortable in the absence of garbage, but don’t
know why.
67: You take a suitcase of instant noodles when you go overseas.
68: You think that Hong Kong is overseas.
69: Your wife is from the Mainland or Vietnam.
70: You believe kidnapping is a viable career option.
71: You use your scooter to take all your garbage to a neighboring
apartment building.
72: You believe Taiwan should be independant, but send your kids
overseas to study so they won’t be called to defend it.
73: You treasure possesions and use people.
74: You go out to watch the scooter punks racing on Saturday nights.
75: You take the kids with you.
76: You claim to be an expert on anything you have seen done at least
once.
77: You go to the temple for a charm to protect you from accidents, so
you can feel safe driving full speed through red
lights.
78: You carry your friend to his car when he’s too drunk to walk.
79: You start the engine for him.
80: You make noises when you drink soup.
81: You burn incense in your car to ward off evil spirits.
82: On hot days you douse water over the street in front of your house.
83: You ignore drivers who forget their lights at night, but scold
motorcyclists who leave their headlights on during
the day.
84: You think the correct solution to any dispute is to call more
friends to come help out.
85: You belong to the Rotary, Kiwanis or Lions club.
86: Your idea of exciting outdoor leisure activity is fishing for shrimp
in a concrete pool.
87: You own a 4WD vehicle that’s never had mud on it’s tires.
88: You use a scooter to tow a trailer.
89: You cut your neighbor’s cable off while illicitly connecting into
it.
90: Your cellphone is modified to light up when it rings.
91: You teach your toddlers to use the drains as urinals.
92: You stop on the hard shoulder to take a leak.
93: You take extra ketchup and tissues from McDonald’s to use at home.
94: You are deeply offended when asked to pay your building management
fees.
95: You have never paid for parking in your life.
96: You’ve been driving for years, but don’t have a license.
97: The mirrors on your scooter face inward.
98: The loud muffler, stickers, clear lenses and white-gauge kit on your
vehicle cost so much, you drive around on bald
tires and refuse to pay your license plate tax.
99: You spend more on betelnuts than on food.
100: You miss the days when you got paid to vote KMT.
101: You still think James Soong is a nice guy and he only took what he
deserved. But, he really should fix his mother’s
shithouse door.
102: You can’t stand to be away from karaoke equipment for more than a
few hours.
103: You have a huge AV system, racks of imported booze, and rock-hard
bare wooden furniture in your living-room.
104: You hire loudspeaker trucks to promote your new business.
105: When the stock market goes up you are a smart investor, when it
goes down it’s the government’s fault and they
should make up the difference.
106: When stopped at red lights, you think no-one notices you picking
your nose.
107: You flick boogers out the window when stopped at red lights.
108: You think ‘no smoking’ signs either mean something else, or they
don’t apply to you.
109: You like to drive your truck with one bare foot on the dash.
110: You try to drive your truck while eating a rice box, steering with
your wrists.
111: You tattooed your eyebrows.
112: You are afraid to cut the strand of hair that grows from a mole on
your face.
113: You hire professional mourners for a relative’s funeral.
114: You are illiterate, but have a Filipina maid with a degree in
computer science.
