Are you a redneck?

You know you’re a tubaozi (Taiwanese redneck) if:

1: The a/c in your car is broken and your arm hangs limp out the open
2: Your car is not turbocharged, but you have the stickers.
3: You have a waving hand toy in your car’s rear window.
4: You can’t see out the rear window for the stick on animals.
5: You drive a Yue Loong with BMW badges on it.
6: The make and model badges on your car are spelt wrong.
7: Your three favorite expressions are “it’s not possible”, “it doesn’t
matter” and “it’s good enough”.
8: You think “Old MacDonald” was Ronald’s dad.
9: You throw your garbage out the window of your car while driving.
10: You chew betelnut and are honestly surprised when you meet someone
who doesn’t.
11: You think Taiwan Beer is internationally famous.
12: You drink Wisbih.
13: You drink red wine at NT$700 a bottle, but mix it with Apple Sidra
and ice because it tastes better.
14: You have stickers on the back of car that say “No Kiss”.
15: You walk your dog by tying it to your scooter and dragging it around
the block.
16: You have 5 kids, the youngest is a boy.
17: You think Chen Jin Shin was just misunderstood and unlucky.
18: You miss the days when the DPP used to hold the parliament building
19: You support Ah Bien, but would have prefered Dzu Ge Liang for
20: You have no money in your pocket, but have a Benz to drive around
and borrow against.
21: Your Benz cost more than your house.
22: You moved your living room upstairs so you can fit the Benz in the
front room.
23: You don’t own any socks.
24: You have ever worn a watch that is, or looks anything like, a Rolex.
25: You sold your farm, bought a Benz, and put the rest of the cash in
the stock market.
26: You now complain that Ah Bian made you poor.
27: Every car you ever owned was yellow.
28: On public holidays, you wait in the breakdown lane until midnight to
avoid paying the freeway toll.
29: You triple-park when there is a parking space only 50 meters away.
30: You have 3 kids and take them everywhere on your scooter.
31: You drive the wrong way up one-way streets.
32: You smoke in the elevator.
33: You smoke in the 7-11.
34: You think being an entrepeneur is sitting in the local convenience
store playing pachinko while waiting for your big

chance to come along.
35: All your heroes have tattoos and have been in jail.
36: You think a scenic area is a street with many betelnut stalls.
37: You have a crush on a girl who sells betelnut.
38: You use a coathanger to hook to toys out of the grappling-arm
39: You teach your kids how to use a coathanger to…
40: You start every other conversation with “Let me tell you…”
41: You car always carries at least one paper cup with some tissue paper
in it.
42: You only brake for betelnuts.
43: You are still trying to figure out how to make a profit from the
9-21 earthquake.
44: You own a construction company.
45: When you grow up, you want to drive a gravel truck.
46: You think a two-seater is a blue flatbed truck.
47: You use the parking garage in your apartment building as a storage
area for your construction equipment.
48: You are over 28, still live with your parents, have no job and are
not looking for one.
49: You have never had a sexual experience you didn’t pay for.
50: Your kids have scooters with no mufflers and you think it’s cool.
51: You take your garbage to the mountains and dump or burn it.
52: You used to have a dog, but threw it away.
53: You still have a dog, but never let it out of it’s cage.
54: On holidays, you burn paper money in the stairwell of your apartment
55: You went to your wedding in a car with sugarcane tied to it.
56: When there’s a traffic jam on the freeway, you drive up the hard
57: Your car has no license plates, but is marked ‘farm use’.
58: The tailights on your car or motorcycle all flash on and off when
you brake.
59: You keep a chicken on the balcony of your apartment.
60: You own a tiny rice paddy between modern apartment buildings.
61: You believe the motorcycle lane of the street in front of your house
is actually your own personal parking space and

‘guard’ it with concrete flower pots.
62: You always press both the ‘up’ and ‘down’ buttons to call the
63: You feel it’s somehow a loss of face to stop at a red light,
especially behind the white line.
64: You waited for an auspicious day before collecting your new car.
65: You drive even faster than usual in the rain because you know there
are no cops around.
66: You feel very uncomfortable in the absence of garbage, but don’t
know why.
67: You take a suitcase of instant noodles when you go overseas.
68: You think that Hong Kong is overseas.
69: Your wife is from the Mainland or Vietnam.
70: You believe kidnapping is a viable career option.
71: You use your scooter to take all your garbage to a neighboring
apartment building.
72: You believe Taiwan should be independant, but send your kids
overseas to study so they won’t be called to defend it.
73: You treasure possesions and use people.
74: You go out to watch the scooter punks racing on Saturday nights.
75: You take the kids with you.
76: You claim to be an expert on anything you have seen done at least
77: You go to the temple for a charm to protect you from accidents, so
you can feel safe driving full speed through red

78: You carry your friend to his car when he’s too drunk to walk.
79: You start the engine for him.
80: You make noises when you drink soup.
81: You burn incense in your car to ward off evil spirits.
82: On hot days you douse water over the street in front of your house.
83: You ignore drivers who forget their lights at night, but scold
motorcyclists who leave their headlights on during

the day.
84: You think the correct solution to any dispute is to call more
friends to come help out.
85: You belong to the Rotary, Kiwanis or Lions club.
86: Your idea of exciting outdoor leisure activity is fishing for shrimp
in a concrete pool.
87: You own a 4WD vehicle that’s never had mud on it’s tires.
88: You use a scooter to tow a trailer.
89: You cut your neighbor’s cable off while illicitly connecting into
90: Your cellphone is modified to light up when it rings.
91: You teach your toddlers to use the drains as urinals.
92: You stop on the hard shoulder to take a leak.
93: You take extra ketchup and tissues from McDonald’s to use at home.
94: You are deeply offended when asked to pay your building management
95: You have never paid for parking in your life.
96: You’ve been driving for years, but don’t have a license.
97: The mirrors on your scooter face inward.
98: The loud muffler, stickers, clear lenses and white-gauge kit on your
vehicle cost so much, you drive around on bald

tires and refuse to pay your license plate tax.
99: You spend more on betelnuts than on food.
100: You miss the days when you got paid to vote KMT.
101: You still think James Soong is a nice guy and he only took what he
deserved. But, he really should fix his mother’s

shithouse door.
102: You can’t stand to be away from karaoke equipment for more than a
few hours.
103: You have a huge AV system, racks of imported booze, and rock-hard
bare wooden furniture in your living-room.
104: You hire loudspeaker trucks to promote your new business.
105: When the stock market goes up you are a smart investor, when it
goes down it’s the government’s fault and they

should make up the difference.
106: When stopped at red lights, you think no-one notices you picking
your nose.
107: You flick boogers out the window when stopped at red lights.
108: You think ‘no smoking’ signs either mean something else, or they
don’t apply to you.
109: You like to drive your truck with one bare foot on the dash.
110: You try to drive your truck while eating a rice box, steering with
your wrists.
111: You tattooed your eyebrows.
112: You are afraid to cut the strand of hair that grows from a mole on
your face.
113: You hire professional mourners for a relative’s funeral.
114: You are illiterate, but have a Filipina maid with a degree in
computer science.

God-damn that was funny. I hope you don’t mind but I printed out a copy before the censorship nazis removed it. Here are a few I thought up as well…

You know you are a Taiwanese redneck if…

  1. You actually think a foreign woman would want to sleep with you.
  2. You actually believe your local girlfriend isn’t sleeping with her English teacher.
  3. You actually think that just because AIT gave you a passport, that the rest of America actually wants you to move there.
  4. You think that the teachers at TAS think your kids are real US citizens.
  5. You think that a real man weighs less than 120 lbs.
  6. You believe that foreigners wear the same size condoms that you do.
  7. You eat chicken feet.
  8. You eat pig feet.
  9. You eat pig’s blood and ask for seconds.
  10. You think Ubi is a talented musician.
  11. You think Coco Lee is famous in America.
  12. You can’t go a day without beating your wife and children.
  13. You wear a helmet when you ride a scooter but your kids don’t.
  14. You wear a seatbelt but let your kids run around in the back seat.
  15. You think your wife actually believes you are not cheating behind her back.
  16. You think that Taiwan will rise up and take back the mainland.
  17. You think that the KMT is not corrupt.
  18. You think that Chairman Mao was the “bad guy”.
  19. You think that the losers got the Mainland and the winners got Taiwan.
  20. You believe that China would not attack.
  21. You think that Taiwan would actually be able to thwart an attack from the mainland.
  22. You think that the average Taiwanese soldier would have the courage to defend his homeland.
  23. You believe that the USA would actually protect this island if it was attacked by China.
  24. You think that the long nail on your pinky makes you look tough.
  25. You think that the beaded jade bracelet you wear is actually attractive.
  26. You are afraid to sit next to the white person on the bus.
  27. You are afraid to look into the eyes of a foreigner when he is angery at you.
  28. You can’t travel overseas unless you are with a tour group.
  29. You think that Fengshui actually works.
  30. You go to Macau and bring back a bag of dried mushrooms.
  31. You think that Buddahism and Taoism are respected religions.
  32. When a person in your family is injured you take them to the local temple to “take away the scare”.
  33. You introduce yourself to a woman buy telling her your blood type.
  34. You think that Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan are from Taiwan.
  35. When you wear your jacket backwards when you ride a scooter.
  36. When you wear your jacket backwards when you walk down the street.
  37. When you wear your jacket backwards and actually think that is the proper way to wear a jacket.
  38. You think that no one notices when you try to dress and act like a black person.
  39. You think that Super Sunday is worth watching.
  40. You think that Jacky Wu is NOT gay.

Funny original post.

Oh shit, I think I qualify as a bumkin, both back home and in Taiwan. :laughing:

Good stuff. Hats off to 90630 and guest if only for the typing involved…

I think the Tu Bao Zi (redneck) list was from the same author as ‘You know you’ve been in Taiwan too long when…’. I got them both e-mailed to me a few years ago, but haven’t seen them since. Anyway, I hunted it down and here it is (btw, I think the author is a genius):

You Know You’ve Been in Taiwan Too Long When…

  1. You can order the entire McDonald’s menu in Chinese.
  2. You decide it makes more sense to drive a motorcycle instead of a car.
  3. More than one garment has been ruined by betel-nut spit.
  4. Someone doesn’t stare at you and you wonder why.
  5. You look both ways before crossing the sidewalk.
  6. Hsiaohsing Wine tastes good.
  7. You turn left from the right lane.
  8. 70

I fit the descriptions in each and every case. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Hahaha. I posted the original ‘redneck’ 114, and I actually wrote it. I don’t think there was a flame forum to put it in back then.

I thought it was wiped out in the Oriented/Segue switchover, glad to see it survived. The one on my HDD didn’t :imp:

Most fits on me.

Been here too long, I guess.

Can we start to discuss penis size now?

How to know if you are a spoilt Canadian intellectual that enjoys looking down on people!

(1) sandal wearing,
(2)museum visiting,
(3) bicycle riding (non mountain bike of course),
(4) recycling,
(5) dope smoking,
(6) chamomile drinking,
(7) extreme liberal,
(8) rich parents but you deny it
(9) you can write over 150 points about Taiwan red necks and not get bored of typing !!!
(10) All the above
just joking of course, I love Canada, after all they invented Maple syrup!!!

still not over 50% so Im safe for another year…

redneck bump

You have a 13 year old niece who is a virgin.
(Sorry to all those without a “redneck” sence of humor"

All your rifles won’t fit in the backwindow gun rack of you trusty 65 F150.

You got a deer over each fender of the Buick and one in the trunk.
You see your mother twice a year at the State Prison.
You want a ‘too but there is no more room.
The smell of fresh cut lumber excites the senses
You have more than 8 dogs
Your best friend is called Bubba
You have tires on top of the trailer to hold the roof on
You fish without a pole
Have to charge the gas to go to the local bar
Think it’s cool to belly bump mates
Met your g/f at the local strip bar
You save beer bottles so you can get the next six pack
It takes 3 men 2 hours to haul the garbage out
You wash up at the local Texaco station because the water has been cut off
Your wife and your girlfriend are still best friends
(possibly not a redneck at just simply stupid)
EDIT: In a flood, You sandbag the local pub before you sandbag your home.
EDIT: You uproot your corn crop and plant dhama with expectation of a greater profit
You max out grandma’s credit credit cards
Hell, a Jr. High School edactation is nough. Fuck those edicated idats.
Let’s go a fishin’? You got the dynamite?
Hey, Bubba’s got a still down back. Lets go grab some quarts.

Jumping through a window of a pub to escape the locals

In all seriousness and personal experience: Ride into Headquarters Idaho or Pierce, Idaho horseback with a gun on the hip. Go to the local pub. My suggestion is to leave the redneck attitude behind. These places still allow guns in town, or did then, and you really don’t want to piss anyone off.
Try the Crystal Balace in Tombstone Arizona. Or perhaps “Big Nose Kate’s”. PLEASE leave the dog leg in your bag. These places are used to dealing with furrinners. They just shoot 'em and leave them in the street. EXAMPLE: Steve Brahm. Died 1888. A headstone in “boot hill”.
A rednck, but maybe he forgot where he was.
EDIT: Buy your smokes at the Indian Smoke shope just out of town.
A REALLY big native American invites you into the Native American Caino, with the word, "AWWWWWWWW another soyyopo. (westerner).

You find your wife in bed with your best friend an he is ok with that. And actually you don’t mind that someone is taking care of the issues

OK!!! I’ll quit here. Just a redneck from northern Idaho