Interesting thread. I had just the opposite experience with my fiance. She needed a commitment (I should say the commitment) very early in the relationship. It actually created a lot of tension for a while.
It may make a difference that she’s aboriginal and that her family loves me. If we broke up I think her mother would tell me that I should still come around to visit anyway. So far as I know there isn’t any concern about economic issues, even though they know I don’t have much money and won’t for a long time (still have many years of grad school ahead).
You’re probably not considered FINANCIALLY ready, but she’s too nice to tell this to you. Most people here expect that you have a house and a car and a stable career before you get married.
How is that - I have been together with my girlfriend for 3 years now and I am still just the “foreign friend” to her parents. She will officially introduce me to her parents in a year or so; that’s what she promised anyway.
I, too, think that same parts of a serious relationship develop very very slowly here(contrary to popular belief about serious relationships it was not the shagging part).
I think the main problem is that when you are a Taiwanese girl and dating a foreigner you are quite often in a position to justify yourself, like “why did you chose a foreigner? there are so many nice Taiwanese who are less trouble.”
It doesn’T help that my gf is a medical doctor, because those are quite high up the social ladder and supposed to marry someone with a proper background (and finances I might add).
Also, all eyes are on you, and people are very interested in the development of your relationship. If things turn sour and you break up, it would be a big loss of face here. Hence the caution exercised by my gf.
It took her 1 year until she finally felt confident enough to tell her best friend about me, and another year to let everybody else, except her parents, know.
This parents step is really a very sensitive matter, since an introduction of a boyfriend to the parents is seen as a first step to engagement and finally marriage.
This relationship has been an exercise in Buddha-like patience so far, but what the heck, at least I have REALLY got something to talk about when it comes to “how is your relationship with name going?”
I think you guys are in the minority, but maybe there are more in the minority than I realised. Most girls here like to get long term commitment out of you pronto. It all depends on the family I suppose and how relaxed they are. I think most of us would be happy enough with the slow and steady approach rather than the ring on the finger straight off. The suggestion about ‘knocking up’ is quite funny but usually effective! Plus let’s get real here. If they can’t accept you in this day and age it’s their problem not yours. They HAVE to accept you if she wants to marry you. Most of the time it is has to be a done deal before they open their eyes and let up. (unless you’re a total loser)
More often than not “I don’t want to get married yet” from a Chinese girl is a polite way of saying i am not interested, it doesn’t mean they are afraid of commitment.
Many of my wife’s friends, and other Chinese girls i have met, have, from the time they knew it was not going to work out with someone, spent another 5 years in that relationship because they couldn’t finish with their boyfriend (some foreign but mostly local)and were hoping for a complete personality change on his behalf - or for him to finish with them.
They are not taught that they have the right to finish with their boyfriends because they are bored with them, - if you ask them is it enough to be loved rather than love they will usually answer “yes” - so one usually has to read between the lines and finish things.
I get the feeling it may because of a few different issues, mostly relating to parents:
1)The “How are we supposed to talk with him?” issue. If you don’t speak much Chinese to her parents they’ll be concerned.
2)The “He can leave you at any time” issue. You, being a foreigner, have a foreign passport and essentially a ticket out of here any time. Let’s just say that past experiences with US soldiers are still in people’s minds.
3)The “How do I explain this to my friends?” issue. Her parents have to feel comfortable saying your name and quite importantly, what you do.
4)The “We’re a traditional Taiwanese family and the guy is supposed to ask the parents, not the girl” issue.
Batman, curious, how old are you and your girlfriend? Perhaps too young, she still has a chance to find that Taiwanese doctor that the mother secretely talks about behind your back Also, to the majority of Taiwanese, money is an issue too I was lucky though, I met my girlfriend back home and she knew I had none , but I’ve got a cute arse and a nice smile, and I make her mother laugh. Anyway mate, my guess is money and/or age.
It seems many foreigners forget that not only the parents of a taiwanese girl/woman have a mighty word to say about the future of their daughter, the grandparents might be even more important, especially in the south. If your girlfriend comes from there (maybe even from a smaller place) and you haven’t met the grandparents yet - consider yourself as not closely related to the family.
Even after my girlfriend’s grandparents (father’s parents) thought I was a nice guy I still wasn’t the guy they would want to marry their granddaughter.
Fortunately, that has changed now and I had the chance to witness the power they incorporate when they had a short word with an aunt who made it her hobby to divide young couples. After that, the aunt suddenly became quite silent…
So, if you are seriously interested in a local girl/woman, do not only think of her parents opinion about you, take also great care what her grandparents think about you, they may have the final word…
People are people are people. Stereotyping anything is always a mistake. My example? My Taiwanese wife and I have been married 5 years now and dated for less than a year before getting engaged. I met her in college here in the US (her parents sent her and her brother to college here together) and I was in lust with her the second I saw her. Love took a very short time in coming as she was sweet and came from a much more “normal” family environment than myself. (divorced parents, live in seperate states, etc.) We had dated for like 2 months MAYBE. She then kind of insists that I need to go to Taiwan with her basically with a week’s notice. I didn’t even think twice.
I know this is long but details are important no? I am not a “typical looking American” by any stretch. My hair then was very, very long and I was sporting a goatee. I am not tall, but I do have the blue eyes, blond hair thing so…eh whatever!?! I stepped off the plane to meet her father(bank manager for like 30 years) wearing a black rock t-shirt and ratty jeans.
EVERYONE treated me better than I’ve ever experienced in my life. I was floored at how friendly everybody was in her family. After about the second family Sunday dinner out, her Mother started asking when we were going to be engaged and would we be having kids! (Mother owns a school and apparently has a level of love for children that my New England mindset has never witnessed)
Long story wrapped up-- we got engaged a few months after we returned. (about 6 months into the relationship.) Went back to Taiwan shortly after (thank gawd for winter break in college had an VERY VERY large engagement party. They met my Mother who flew in from Chicago for the event for the first time there. We were married a year later.
Fuzzball. You’ve been together for 9 years and she still skirts the issue of Marriage? Watch yo’ ass, brotha’, that’s all I can say. You may find yourself with a broken heart, if you ain’t careful.
Ask yourself if it’s worth it. In Taiwan, you marry the girl, you marry the family. You better love the family as much as you love that girl. Because if you don’t, you may find yourself in a miserable situation. And if she’s really worth it, then okay. Unless she’s willing to go live in your country, there ain’t gonna be any way out. You should figure all this shit out after the first year, though. I mean, 9 years?!? C’mon, bro, don’t be a fool. If it isn’t, it ain’t.
as far as i know, chinese parents are afraid, that u might take their daughters out of the country and that you are not as reliable as a taiwanese son in law and therefor will not take care of them, when they grow old…it’s also terrible for them, if they can’t talk to you and get to know you…
quote:Originally posted by Michele:
i've never met his parents, cause foreign girls don't really have a good reputation in taiwan.... [img]images/smiles/icon_sad.gif[/img]
So its true what Rat’s Ass said about Western women (that they’re the cause of all divorces).
Seriously 'though, what are the stereotypes of foreign women in Taiwan (according to Taiwanese)?
quote:Originally posted by Michele:
Lucky me, I am not from Denmark, cause in that's where they think all porn movies come from..... [img]images/smiles/icon_confused.gif[/img]
Nationalism in the 21st century. It’s like a “club” that you’re never going to get to join because you’ve got the wrong ethnic make-up. There are exceptions, of course, but it’s not at all an easy process. Many parents are not exactly easy to talk to, even if you speak flawless Chinese. Especially fathers. Good God, it can be a nightmare. Sometimes I wonder what allows we foreigners to lose our common sense.