[quote=“Nuit”]Got to go in for an operation next week, and the doctors are planning to lower my body temperature to -273.15 degrees. My wife says it’s too dangerous, it will kill me.
But I think I’ll be 0K.[/quote]
This reminds me of that dude in Taoyuan who was blazing down the highway on his bigass BMW and got sideswiped by a gravel truck.
Lost his left leg, left arm and shoulder, most all of his left side, and the left side of his face.
I guess he’s alright.
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks… “Hey, why the big head?”
A man walks into a shop with a goose and says to the lady behind the counter
“Is it alright if I take a gander round your shop?”
[quote=“Funk500”]A man walks into a shop with a goose and says to the lady behind the counter
“Is it alright if I take a gander round your shop?”[/quote]
Same shop, different guy walks in and says to the lady behind the counter
“Do you have any extra-grip condoms?”
She says “Sorry, we’re all out. Have you tried Boot’s?”
He says “Yeah, but they’re EXTRA tough to keep on.”
[quote=“the chief”][quote=“Funk500”]A man walks into a shop with a goose and says to the lady behind the counter
“Is it alright if I take a gander round your shop?”[/quote]
Same shop, different guy walks in and says to the lady behind the counter
“Do you have any extra-grip condoms?”
She says “Sorry, we’re all out. Have you tried Boot’s?”
He says “Yeah, but they’re EXTRA tough to keep on.”[/quote]
Another guy walks in to the bar thats next door to that shop with a roll of tarmac under his arm. He says “A pint of ale please… and one more for the road”
[quote=“Funk500”][quote=“the chief”][quote=“Funk500”]A man walks into a shop with a goose and says to the lady behind the counter
“Is it alright if I take a gander round your shop?”[/quote]
Same shop, different guy walks in and says to the lady behind the counter
“Do you have any extra-grip condoms?”
She says “Sorry, we’re all out. Have you tried Boot’s?”
He says “Yeah, but they’re EXTRA tough to keep on.”[/quote]
Another guy walks in to the bar thats next door to that shop with a roll of tarmac under his arm. He says “A pint of ale please… and one more for the road”[/quote]
SAME BAR! Two strips of macadam walk in, one white and one yellow, the white one comes up to the bar and orders two dark large, the barman says
“Oy, don’t much like the look of your friend there.”
The macadam says “Oh, you’ll want to stay clear of him, he’s a cycle path…”
Sandman gets a girlfriend in Thailand. After hours of frottaging on the dance floor, the pair retire to his room. Just as they get down to undressing, she says to him, “Sandman, I want to tell you something . . . I’m the same as you.” To which Sandman replies, in utter shock, “No way! Yer Scottish?!” 
irishstu gets a girlfriend in Thailand. After hours of frottaging on the dance floor, the pair retire to his room. Just as they get down to undressing, she says to him, “irishstu, I want to tell you something . . . I’m the same as you.” To which irishstu replies, in utter shock, “No way! This is your first time as well?!”
the chief gets a girlfriend in Thailand. After hours of frottaging on the dance floor, the pair retire to his room. Just as they get down to undressing, she says to him, “the chief, I want to tell you something . . . I’m the same as you.” To which the chief replies, in utter shock, “You’d rather go back to the bar for happy hour? Then let’s go!”
Funk500 gets a girlfriend in Thailand. After hours of frottaging on the dance floor, the pair retire to his room. Just as they get down to undressing, she says to him, “Funk500, I want to tell you something . . . I’m the same as you.” To which Funk500 replies, “Yeah. I know.”
Thailand sounds like a great place to go!
Stray Dog gets a girlfriend in Thailand. After hours of frottaging on the dance floor, the pair retire to his room. Just as they get down to undressing, she says to him: “Stray Dog, I want to tell you something. I might look like a lady, but I have a huge rampant penis.” To which Stray Dog replies: “I know and I’m sorry. It might appear to be productive, but my fanny’s been neuterised. However, the chief said you’re good for a laugh.”
Stray Dog gets a girlfriend in Thailand. After hours of frottaging on the dance floor, the pair retire to his room. Just as they get down to undressing, she says to him, “Stray Dog, I want to tell you something . . . I’m the same as you.” To which Stray Dog replies, “Oh yeah? You also have a really small wee wee? And you also smell really bad?”
Do you know what this is?
It’s the top half of this!
Just received by e-mail:
[color=#0000FF][b]A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
ARE YOU READY FOR THIS ANSWER…
.
.
.
.
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”[/b] [/color]
I am German. Consequently I only ever heard bad jokes in my life.
That’s why I think this joke is hilarious! The whole thread is great, more fun than in 3 y.o.VHS-taped German comedy shows***
*** I stopped watching them when the comedian said: "The German president is taking a foam bath. But no, it’s actually no foam on the water, he just [censored] his little president.
Am I the only one who’s spotted that the punchline here was wrong?
Walk up to a big guy and say, “Do you want to fight me buddy?” and then point to someone else and say, “There’s me buddy.”
And run away.
Am I the only one who’s spotted that the punchline here was wrong?[/quote]
Hopefully not… butchering the punchline to a universally known joke is the whole point, and simultaneously what qualifies it for this thread…
But to keep on topic:
A blind man and a deaf man walk into a bar… The deaf guy should have seen it coming…
I get it now.
“I’m not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And he’s dead.”
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!