A guy with a prosthetic leg meets a woman with a prosthetic eye in a bar.
She says, “Would you like to go out some time?”
He says with a bright affirming smile, “Would I! Would I!”
Visibly upset, she snaps, “Fine. Be that way peg leg.”
Three flies meet in their favorite house and decide to take baths.
Fly #1 uses the kitchen sink.
Fly #2 uses the bathtub.
Fly #3 uses the toilet.
The three reconvene later to swap stories about their baths.
Fly #1 says, “mine was so great.”
Fly #2 says, “mine was even better.”
Fly #3 exclaims, “mine was horrible. First it started to get dark. Then it started to rain. Why if it wasn’t for that big brown log, I would’ve drowned.” :discodance:
[quote=“Dr. McCoy”]Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
Sandman fell in the mud!
hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk[/quote]
Wanna hear a clean joke?
Sandman took a bath.
Wanna hear a sick joke?
Sandman caught a cold.
Wanna hear a bad joke?
Sandman stole a chocolate bar.
Wanna hear an ethnic joke?
Sandman wears a kilt.
Wanna hear a yellow joke?
Sandman slipped on a banana peel.
Wanna hear a cold joke?
Sandman ate a snow-cone.
Wanna hear an old joke?
Any of the above.
Wakka-wakka!
[quote=“Dr. McCoy”]I get it now.
“I’m not doing any Michael Jackson jokes, because they always involve puns about his songs. And he’s dead.”
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha![/quote]
That’s bad.
And hedgehogs: why don’t they just share the hedge?
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while…
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village.
The Vet didn’t have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:
“And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin’ towel”
[quote=“urodacus”]Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while…
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village.
The Vet didn’t have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:
“And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin’ towel”[/quote]
See, now THAT’s funny! :roflmao: 'Specially if you picture Lord Lucan as the young Dubliner and BroonAle as the husband.
[quote=“sandman”][quote=“urodacus”]Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while…
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village.
The Vet didn’t have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.
So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:
“And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin’ towel”[/quote]
See, now THAT’s funny! :roflmao: 'Specially if you picture Lord Lucan as the young Dubliner and BroonAle as the husband.[/quote]
And…irishstu as the wife???
No. That would be porn, pure and very definitely simple.
[quote=“Nuit”]Got to go in for an operation next week, and the doctors are planning to lower my body temperature to -273.15 degrees. My wife says it’s too dangerous, it will kill me.
But I think I’ll be 0K.[/quote]
Boo. This was a hilarious joke! Somebody temp this!
[quote=“ImaniOU”][quote=“Nuit”]Got to go in for an operation next week, and the doctors are planning to lower my body temperature to -273.15 degrees. My wife says it’s too dangerous, it will kill me.
But I think I’ll be 0K.[/quote]
Boo. This was a hilarious joke! Somebody temp this![/quote]
Absolutely!
Lady: I don’t like this innuendo.
Groucho: That’s what I always say. Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
Tigerman’s was also a bad bad joke. I mean seriously, they should have a thread. I’m still wiping away the tears.
[quote=“Dr. McCoy”][quote=“ImaniOU”][quote=“Nuit”]Got to go in for an operation next week, and the doctors are planning to lower my body temperature to -273.15 degrees. My wife says it’s too dangerous, it will kill me.
But I think I’ll be 0K.[/quote]
Boo. This was a hilarious joke! Somebody temp this![/quote]
Absolutely![/quote]
I GOT it! I GOT a McCoy joke! :roflmao:
Posted on Face Book:
[color=#400040]Children Writing About the Ocean…
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- This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
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- Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
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- If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are
incontinent. (Mark, age 7)
- If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are
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- Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend
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- A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
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- My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
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- When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
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- Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
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- I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom , and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
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- Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live
in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
- Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live
-
- When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Jeff, age 6)
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- Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
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- On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. ( Julie , age 7)
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- The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)
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- My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)[/color]
What sort of key do you need to open a banana?
A mon-key.
A professor at Texas A & M University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?”
About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
About 15 students raise their hand.
“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
Three students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further: Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says: “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks: “So, Bubba, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”
Bubba replied: "Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said “Goats”
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has your picture on it.’
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, ‘OK, you can go: I didn’t realize you were a cop!!!’
I went to Taipei Zoo at the weekend, but there were no elephants, panda bears, or giraffes anywhere to be seen. In fact the only animal I saw all day was a dog…
… It was a Shih Tzu.
groan groan…
What did the horny chorus girls say to the practicing magician?
Stop the hocus and pocus!