Boyfriend's Family Issues

Life LGBTQ+ Forum
1

Hi, I need some advice or perspective. My Taiwanese boyfriend and I have been together for 4.5 years and in that time I’ve personally seen many of my friends get married or move in together. However my boyfriend refuses to move in together or even sleep over, in the entire time we’ve been together because of his parents and what they might say to him.

I’ve put up with this, but now it’s becoming a point of contention. I want to move things forward, have a nice home together, plan a life together and I want to live in Taiwan, as it is a great place to live. He however, wants to run away from Taiwan so that he has an excuse to tell his parents as to why he’s moving out of the family home.

I’m really sick of this bullshit, it’s destroying my opinion of him and our relationship. I don’t necessarily want him to tell his parents that he’s moving in with me, but I don’t understand why he can’t be a man and tell them his decision to move out of the family home, be prepared to be strong and deal with their emotional blackmail and control issues, and just do it. I feel the whole situation is just plain childish and that his parents are liked spoiled three year old children who want their own way or they’ll take a tantrum and become emotionally manipulative. I also feel he is acting like a child, unable to control his life and still attached to his parents like a 3 year old who won’t let go of their mommy’s hand. It’s so damn frustrating!!

Anyways I hope that someone can offer some advice or insight into this situation. I’m becoming very despondent with it and I feel like I should just find somebody who is more confident in themselves and take control of their life, but I’ve invested 4.5 years of my life into this relationship and I love him, I just can’t see it going anywhere unless he can be a man and deal with things.

2

Need a more complete picture. Are you currently in Taiwan? Are you sure he is not married or sleeping over with a mistress (or two) ?

Is he an only child? Is his family very rich?

And how old is he? How old are you? What ethnicity are you?

All of above can help to understand the issue.

3

Are you from Taiwan?

4

To answer your questions…

I’m a white British boy and I’ve lived in Taiwan for 5 years. He’s 27 and I’m 30. He isn’t an only child, but he is the only boy in the family (I know about the issues with that). I know he’s not married and we do spend a lot of time together, so I know there’s nobody else. His family aren’t rich, but they do own their own apartment. His parents know he’s gay and they know about me and I’ve met them, but the issue remains that they want him to be married and they want tight control over him, and he can’t man up, tell them what he wants and just move out, even though he has a well-paid job and can more than afford to.

5

Sounds like he just has to man up and leave. Because his parents think that they can still get him married to a female.

6

Do they want him to get married to a woman? Even though they know he’s gay?

7

That’s a pretty accurate assessment. And it’s not unusual. You really only have two choices: live with it, or move on.

8

That’s a pretty accurate assessment. And it’s not unusual. You really only have two choices: live with it, or move on.[/quote]

^this

I find it very unlikely that your bf will “man up” and stand in his family’s face so boldly as you want him to do, at least as long as you two are in Taiwan. I had the same problem with my first Taiwanese girlfriend (the one I moved to Taiwan for): it was either hiding our relationship and staying in Taiwan or moving elsewhere and be free.

9

[quote=“jbpx”]I’ve put up with this, but now it’s becoming a point of contention. I want to move things forward, have a nice home together, plan a life together and I want to live in Taiwan, as it is a great place to live. He however, wants to run away from Taiwan so that he has an excuse to tell his parents as to why he’s moving out of the family home.

I’m really sick of this bullshit, it’s destroying my opinion of him and our relationship.

I don’t understand why he can’t be a man and tell them his decision to move out of the family home, be prepared to be strong and deal with their emotional blackmail and control issues, and just do it. [/quote]

It sounds like things are completely out of balance. He can’t leave you sleeping alone every single night. My boyfriend faces similar family pressures, but he balances those pressures by making sure he spends enough time with me to keep me happy. There is a definite “don’t ask, don’t tell” mentality in his family; my picture is in his room and his mother acknowledges my existence, but his sister has warned him not to let his family down by telling them too much. I hate having someone I care about face pressures like that, but that is life sometimes. And I do a little bit admire his ability to keep many plates spinning.

For my part, I just fully accept that my relationship with my in-laws will probably be fairly superficial, and perhaps only partly acknowledged by his sister and mother. That is fine. My focus is on him. His focus his on me. (Could you say that about your partner?) Also, for my part, I tolerate him attending to his family’s needs. I don’t wallow in self-pity during the complete isolation of CNY, for example.

Have you considered saving up some money together, and going back to England together for a while, let’s say three months. Improving his English could be the pretext. This is sufficiently long for him to pretty much move out of the house. Then, upon return to Taiwan, he quietly moves in with you. Not too different from him simply moving out of his parents’ house, but this eases this situation with a face-saving buffer zone of 3 months. If his parents disapprove or have questions, it is they who are provoking the confrontation. If he simply stays in Taiwan and moves out, it would be more easily framed as him “storming out of the house” to move in with his foreigner boyfriend. I realize this depends a lot on your finances and employment situations.

10

What it really comes down to is: how crazy are the parents? The first night I spent together with my husband was marked by a dozen psychotic phone calls at 2-5AM from the parent. We got married without his family knowing. We fled from America to Taiwan to get away from them and life has never been better. They are kept completely out of the loop on everything (substituted with a very frail pyramid of lies). Even now, all of his phone calls on anything remotely related to sexuality/relationships with the parent devolves into screaming matches. Trying to get someone to undo their own personal Stockholm Syndrome is a nightmare. Seriously consider leaving the country or at the very least, doing what darienpeak suggested (complete with photoshopped pictures of London and dolled-up skype calls). I know it’s hard for foreigners to understand but he will likely never be free even if he tells the parents off because that will absolutely not be the end of it.

11

My heart goes out to you!

Most Taiwanese parents seem to be such control freaks when it comes to who their children, even as adults, go out with or where they live. Mine are exactly like your boyfriend’s parents.

I came out to my parents when I was in university in Taiwan. To cut a long story short, I ended up setting up home with a British man in the UK years later. Took my partner home to “meet the parents”, father almighty said, “Come back to Taiwan and marry a girl. Have children and look after your mum and dad in our old age.”

I refused and he cut me out of his will. I’m still in touch with my mother from time to time, but my father and I haven’t spoken in 6 years now. I’ve got to say that I’ve no regrets. At the end of the day parents can’t boss their adult children, who have got their own lives to live.

I hope your boyfriend can learn to accept he’s got a life with you and co-dependency with one’s parents is extremely unhealthy.

12

[quote=“Chavvinawa”]My heart goes out to you!

Most Taiwanese parents seem to be such control freaks when it comes to who their children, even as adults, go out with or where they live. Mine are exactly like your boyfriend’s parents.

I came out to my parents when I was in university in Taiwan. To cut a long story short, I ended up setting up home with a British man in the UK years later. Took my partner home to “meet the parents”, father almighty said, “Come back to Taiwan and marry a girl. Have children and look after your mum and dad in our old age.”

I refused and he cut me out of his will. I’m still in touch with my mother from time to time, but my father and I haven’t spoken in 6 years now. I’ve got to say that I’ve no regrets. At the end of the day parents can’t boss their adult children, who have got their own lives to live.

I hope your boyfriend can learn to accept he’s got a life with you and co-dependency with one’s parents is extremely unhealthy.[/quote]

Yes i have heard this story all too many times. I guess the main question is, if your boyfriend is independent and old enough to work and provide and look after himself which I’m guessing he can as a 27 year old then he doesn’t really have to answer to anyone and should be able to go wherever he wants whenever he wants. If his parents cant love him and accept him for who he is then what is the point of having a fake relationship with them anyway.
Sadly it is a case of Stockholm Syndrome. He can either choose to be a mature adult and care about your needs too or he can keep feeling ashamed and live a lie just so his parents can keep face.

By leaving him you may help him to learn a long life lesson. Don’t wait around forever wanting change that will never happen. East and West are raised differently. Don’t expect the same mentality as in the west. Despite most Taiwanese being open minded gay is ok so long as it’s not their own son.

13

[quote=“Chavvinawa”]My heart goes out to you!

Most Taiwanese parents seem to be such control freaks when it comes to who their children, even as adults, go out with or where they live. Mine are exactly like your boyfriend’s parents.

I came out to my parents when I was in university in Taiwan. To cut a long story short, I ended up setting up home with a British man in the UK years later. Took my partner home to “meet the parents”, father almighty said, “Come back to Taiwan and marry a girl. Have children and look after your mum and dad in our old age.”

I refused and he cut me out of his will. I’m still in touch with my mother from time to time, but my father and I haven’t spoken in 6 years now. I’ve got to say that I’ve no regrets. At the end of the day parents can’t boss their adult children, who have got their own lives to live.

I hope your boyfriend can learn to accept he’s got a life with you and co-dependency with one’s parents is extremely unhealthy.[/quote]

In Taiwan, a parent cannot cut a child out of his will. Taiwan has ‘forced inheritance’ laws that give the surviving spouse a share of the deceased estate that cannot be taken away. The parent might be able to get around this by giving away property before he dies but gifts too close to death may be invalidated. You would need to talk to a lawyer.