Cheating , and moving on

[QuaSaShao]

Pro tip: women don’t respect a man who won’t stand up for himself and if they don’t respect him they’re unable to love him.

[afterspivak]

@Mr_PBH

her husband is a pasty-faced whale who sells insurance to prisons

Given US policies, I imagine this line of work must be extremely profitable.

Win some lose some?

Guy

[amitkattal]

Cheating always nullify any kind of justification for it’s happening

Atleast in my eyes

[Mr_PBH]

@afterspivak

Given US policies, I imagine this line of work must be extremely profitable.

You seem to have an inability to not drag your political shit from thread to thread, huh?

[afterspivak]

Well you brought him up. It sounds like the guy is making quite the living—sort of like trying to sell Japanese stuff to Taiwanese people.

Guy

[volv1992]

@tommy525

you binge watch a lot of shows on tv

I disagree that this particular suggestion is the way forward, it’s mentally less healthy than sending yourself to the casino for an evening.

Join a sports club, make friends, let a new life blossom.

[the_bear]

Jesus who unleashed the effin cracken?

[Van]

@the_bear

Ithinkimeantbefore

I thought it was a regional thing

[Van]

@tommy525

You felt ill at work so you came home early. When you parked in front of your house you had a sudden “joking” thought? What if a man was in the house with your lady? Should you go through the garage (which makes a hella racket) and watch him bolt out the front door or should you go in the front door and watch him bolt out the garage? You brush your stupid thought aside and go up to your front door. You put the key in the lock and turn it and…you can’t open the door. She is blocking the door from the inside??! You suddenly realize that you had a Premonition not a stupid stray thought. You push yourself past the door, she does not have the physical strength you have afterall. There is a man taking a shower in the bathroom?! You bust into the bathroom and the guy shouts be out in a minute and we will talk. He busts out a minute later and bolts out the front door. You tell her you need to sit down and talk YOu know what happened, is happening but you need to ask her why? You shout at her, you are very mad. The door bell rings, the police are at the door. The “escapee” has called the cops thinking you aim to do her harm. You tell the police the one who should be afraid of harm is not her.

They leave. You sit down and she doesnt want to talk. You retreat into the guest room to let things settle down. Nobody has any dinner. The house is dark and strangely cold. She locked her bedroom door and wont talk.

YOu text her into the wee hours of the morning. Thinking text may be a better way to talk as texting brought you together over your long term long distance relationship to today, years later together.

She tells you she loved you but lost her love for you. You realize slowly and see the clues along the way. The last few years she has been distant and refusing physical togetherness. Shes always busy at work and wants to go hang out with her friends. You know her friends and feel that ok, she needs to hang with her crowd. Not knowing sometimes, it was NOT with her pals but with her lover. The betrayal is real and it hurts. It hits you like a truck head on. You never thought for a moment this could be happening but it was and it is.

You go to work , she rarely calls, but she does and she wants to move out. You say, you are not ready for this, let’s give it a few months. She continues to live with you but does not want to talk to you, does not want to go out and eat like before, does not call you at work for chit chat. Does not want to chit chat at home. Locks herself away in her room or goes out. You start to realize you lost your mate and your best friend at the same time. And you realize your future is now very uncertain but what is certain is that it will be different.

You used to be a bachelor and actually found it hard to have a mate to come home to, It took a year or two to get comfortable with this new concept. But in time you came to not only accept this constant togetherness but to embrace it, to enjoy it. But your differences remain and sometimes things get heated, you say words you never really meant, never really meant to say. She takes it to heart and love begins to die in her heart for you and for her life with you.

Without the desire to be with you, she feels lost and unloved. Because she did not want to love either. Her unhappiness shows in your life together.

They say when a man cheats it is because he had an opportunity and a desire to have sex with a different woman but he did not need to be in love with this woman he is having an affair with. But they say for many women by the time the affair has gotten to a sexual one she has already left you in her heart, quite some time ago.

She was exactly this, but she was maintaining a facade. The show was over. You ask her what she wants to do, she says she is sorry but she doesnt know either. She says shes lost a husband and a lover who didnt know she was married and her heart is very heavy and she is not sure she wants to live anymore.

YOu back off, you don’t want to cause her more distress, you seek out an old mate and ask for his ear, not so much to give you advice but to have an ear to listen. Your friend is very understanding and wise enough to not offer advice. Only an understanding without condemnation.

The days go by slowly, you can’t do well at work, you can’t concentrate and whereas before you used to jump in your car and drive home to go out with your missus or eat at home to a meal shes cooked and to hang out with her. She used to ask you when you will be home. Now the calls don’t come anymore. You drive home, but you stop along the way at a look out . You watch the waves rolling in. YOu don’t want to go home because you are not sure what things you will say to her. You get home and shes not there, she has not come home yet. She comes home later, doesn’t want to talk, goes to her room. The next few days she doesn’t even come home. She does not answer your calls or text. You sit in your home that is not a home. And you are in a wasteland. Nothing is right anymore.

You text her that night and you implore her to not let your love die between the two of you. She texts back and there is a lot of back and forth. She tells you shes sorry but her heart is for someone else and there is no turning back.

You feel the change in yourself, you don’t take pleasure in hanging with your friends anymore and you would rather be alone. You are actually glad on weekends shes gone out with her friends so you can hang out at home and chill with your pets.

The days turn into months, the silence at home is deadening. Your mind races day and night , you feel sad, you feel happy, you feel devastated, you feel a new day has begun you are excited for a new future. You are going to rediscover the old you. But you don’t , you can’t get over it because of the mental commitments you made and the life you thought was going to be.

She moves out, you are left alone at home. The house is not a home anymore. But the good thing is you can come home after work again, there is no need to stop along the way and ponder what you will say to her when you get home.

There is much anguish and much self introspection and you wish the two of them will die, you wish you will die. Then you realize you don’t want her to die, you don’t want to die yourself. You start to find justification for all this you seek peace and enlightenment.

Finally near a year since the great destruction of the life you know, you begin to heal, you begin to realize we are all players in the great play that is life. You start to think no one should be forced to be with someone they don’t want to be with. No one should stay in misery. Everyone has a right to happiness.

You stop pestering her with texts daily, you don’t call her either. Soon a semblence of a relationship begins to emerge, she and you share pets. And she still has a lot of her stuff in the house. She has the key and the nicer car. You stop being mean to her in any sense in your words, or anything. You let things cool. And you realize that maybe had cooler heads prevailed she may have only wanted a short term affair but you made her choose , no you didn’t give her a choice, you demanded a divorce. She said nothing but a week later says ok, let’s do it, because that is my decision. WE have not done it. We have not discussed it.

Your family thinks you should ditch her like last nights chinese takeaway. You wonder why they have so much animosity for her? You think for so many christmases she has bought them nice presents half of it her own money and taken the effort to ensure they are thoughtful presents and wrapped them up with care. And shown so much friendliness to them and yet today they are insisting you get rid of her like she had ebola. You can’t understand such animosity and end up defending her. Up up defending yourself and you don’t want to hear it from them, or anyone.

its a right mess people. The dismantling of a relationship is much harder than the building of one. Its going to take a lot of time to heal.

There has been so much thinking, your thinking has started thinking on its own becuase you have gotten tired of thinking.

You dont have anyone to go out to eat with now and you don’t really want to cook up anything at home. You may ready to eats, you just have simple stuff just to keep from being hungry. She visits the cats a couple times a week, she sees you have no food she brings food. You have at least a semblance of a relationship and you have started to be just kind to her, no complaints no arguing, no words or anger, nothing but mild support if anything.

The future is unknown, you remind yourself yesterday truly is yesterday good or bad or ugly it is over, tomorrow is a complete unknown and all you have is today. And you make the most of it. You collect yourself and try your best to make friends with yourself again. It’s hard because there is no lonliness like finding a partner and then losing the partner.

You take solace in your everyday day. YOu go to the gym, you go biking, you take yourself to the movies, you binge watch a lot of shows on tv.

You reach out to people you passed by in the past and re establish some contact and make possible future get togethers. YOu don’t want to be with your close friends who are too close to the calamity. You don’t want their opinions as they invariably will want to pass on to you. You don’t want to hear your family’s words of advice or what not, their offers of a good lawyer.

You have to shout them to leave you alone, its YOUR fucking life and YOU are going to deal with it.

The details may differ but the general framework of the destruction of a relationship follows many a similar path.

There light at the end of the tunnel once you realize which tunnel you are in exactly because you are in several tunnels, tunnels that lead to tunnels.

The sun will shine again . You are a player in the stage of your life and other players will join the stage with you while others will leave.

(did this help you? I hope so)

…

TLDR

[cake]

The red flags showing she was not suitable were there in those 4 years, for sure.
Most men rationalise due to being sexually involved with the woman (way too soon). They also think seeing her every day and treating her like she is your best male friend makes her like you more.
If you are looking for a life partner, refrain from sex and don’t live with them until marriage.

[volv1992]

Did you really have to quote the entire thing?

[Van]

Yes

[CTaitung]

If this is your current situation, then some other ramblings elsewhere make a bit more sense, and sorry to hear that this happened to you.

[wick3d]

That’s rough.
Sorry you’re going through this. Getting cheated on, especially after four years, is brutal.

It can really mess with your sense of trust, self-worth, and even your experience living in Taiwan. But you will get through it. Take some time out and process the pain..

• It’s normal to feel anger, betrayal, and sadness. Let yourself feel it, but don’t let it define you.
• Write down your thoughts, vent to trusted friends (or even anonymously online, like on here), and allow yourself to grieve.

Cut Contact (At Least for Now)

• I’d say go no contact with her. Any lingering communication will just slow down your healing.
• If you share mutual friends, don’t be afraid to set boundaries about what you want to hear.

Stay Busy & Rediscover Yourself

• Taiwan has so much to offer—explore it! Go hiking, take a trip to Green Island, Improve your Mandarin (if you haven’t already), or pick up a new hobby.
• Focus on self-improvement—hit the gym, take up some new hobbies, or get into a passion project.

Surround Yourself with Good People

• If you’re feeling isolated in Taiwan, connect with new people—meetups, sports clubs, language exchange groups, or even expat events.
• It helps to talk to others who have been through it. You’re not alone.

Shift Your Perspective

• Being cheated on says more about her than it does about you. This wasn’t a reflection of your worth.
• If she could betray you after four years, imagine what a lifetime would have looked like. Better to know now than later.
• You now have the freedom to find someone better, someone who will value loyalty the way you do.

Finally, just remember: this is temporary. One day, this will just be a lesson and a story you tell, not something that defines your life. Focus on yourself, and you’ll come out of this stronger.

[Van]

@Van

@tommy525

You felt ill at work so you came home early. When you parked in front of your house you had a sudden “joking” thought? What if a man was in the house with your lady? Should you go through the garage (which makes a hella racket) and watch him bolt out the front door or should you go in the front door and watch him bolt out the garage? You brush your stupid thought aside and go up to your front door. You put the key in the lock and turn it and…you can’t open the door. She is blocking the door from the inside??! You suddenly realize that you had a Premonition not a stupid stray thought. You push yourself past the door, she does not have the physical strength you have afterall. There is a man taking a shower in the bathroom?! You bust into the bathroom and the guy shouts be out in a minute and we will talk. He busts out a minute later and bolts out the front door. You tell her you need to sit down and talk YOu know what happened, is happening but you need to ask her why? You shout at her, you are very mad. The door bell rings, the police are at the door. The “escapee” has called the cops thinking you aim to do her harm. You tell the police the one who should be afraid of harm is not her.

They leave. You sit down and she doesnt want to talk. You retreat into the guest room to let things settle down. Nobody has any dinner. The house is dark and strangely cold. She locked her bedroom door and wont talk.

YOu text her into the wee hours of the morning. Thinking text may be a better way to talk as texting brought you together over your long term long distance relationship to today, years later together.

She tells you she loved you but lost her love for you. You realize slowly and see the clues along the way. The last few years she has been distant and refusing physical togetherness. Shes always busy at work and wants to go hang out with her friends. You know her friends and feel that ok, she needs to hang with her crowd. Not knowing sometimes, it was NOT with her pals but with her lover. The betrayal is real and it hurts. It hits you like a truck head on. You never thought for a moment this could be happening but it was and it is.

You go to work , she rarely calls, but she does and she wants to move out. You say, you are not ready for this, let’s give it a few months. She continues to live with you but does not want to talk to you, does not want to go out and eat like before, does not call you at work for chit chat. Does not want to chit chat at home. Locks herself away in her room or goes out. You start to realize you lost your mate and your best friend at the same time. And you realize your future is now very uncertain but what is certain is that it will be different.

You used to be a bachelor and actually found it hard to have a mate to come home to, It took a year or two to get comfortable with this new concept. But in time you came to not only accept this constant togetherness but to embrace it, to enjoy it. But your differences remain and sometimes things get heated, you say words you never really meant, never really meant to say. She takes it to heart and love begins to die in her heart for you and for her life with you.

Without the desire to be with you, she feels lost and unloved. Because she did not want to love either. Her unhappiness shows in your life together.

They say when a man cheats it is because he had an opportunity and a desire to have sex with a different woman but he did not need to be in love with this woman he is having an affair with. But they say for many women by the time the affair has gotten to a sexual one she has already left you in her heart, quite some time ago.

She was exactly this, but she was maintaining a facade. The show was over. You ask her what she wants to do, she says she is sorry but she doesnt know either. She says shes lost a husband and a lover who didnt know she was married and her heart is very heavy and she is not sure she wants to live anymore.

YOu back off, you don’t want to cause her more distress, you seek out an old mate and ask for his ear, not so much to give you advice but to have an ear to listen. Your friend is very understanding and wise enough to not offer advice. Only an understanding without condemnation.

The days go by slowly, you can’t do well at work, you can’t concentrate and whereas before you used to jump in your car and drive home to go out with your missus or eat at home to a meal shes cooked and to hang out with her. She used to ask you when you will be home. Now the calls don’t come anymore. You drive home, but you stop along the way at a look out . You watch the waves rolling in. YOu don’t want to go home because you are not sure what things you will say to her. You get home and shes not there, she has not come home yet. She comes home later, doesn’t want to talk, goes to her room. The next few days she doesn’t even come home. She does not answer your calls or text. You sit in your home that is not a home. And you are in a wasteland. Nothing is right anymore.

You text her that night and you implore her to not let your love die between the two of you. She texts back and there is a lot of back and forth. She tells you shes sorry but her heart is for someone else and there is no turning back.

You feel the change in yourself, you don’t take pleasure in hanging with your friends anymore and you would rather be alone. You are actually glad on weekends shes gone out with her friends so you can hang out at home and chill with your pets.

The days turn into months, the silence at home is deadening. Your mind races day and night , you feel sad, you feel happy, you feel devastated, you feel a new day has begun you are excited for a new future. You are going to rediscover the old you. But you don’t , you can’t get over it because of the mental commitments you made and the life you thought was going to be.

She moves out, you are left alone at home. The house is not a home anymore. But the good thing is you can come home after work again, there is no need to stop along the way and ponder what you will say to her when you get home.

There is much anguish and much self introspection and you wish the two of them will die, you wish you will die. Then you realize you don’t want her to die, you don’t want to die yourself. You start to find justification for all this you seek peace and enlightenment.

Finally near a year since the great destruction of the life you know, you begin to heal, you begin to realize we are all players in the great play that is life. You start to think no one should be forced to be with someone they don’t want to be with. No one should stay in misery. Everyone has a right to happiness.

You stop pestering her with texts daily, you don’t call her either. Soon a semblence of a relationship begins to emerge, she and you share pets. And she still has a lot of her stuff in the house. She has the key and the nicer car. You stop being mean to her in any sense in your words, or anything. You let things cool. And you realize that maybe had cooler heads prevailed she may have only wanted a short term affair but you made her choose , no you didn’t give her a choice, you demanded a divorce. She said nothing but a week later says ok, let’s do it, because that is my decision. WE have not done it. We have not discussed it.

Your family thinks you should ditch her like last nights chinese takeaway. You wonder why they have so much animosity for her? You think for so many christmases she has bought them nice presents half of it her own money and taken the effort to ensure they are thoughtful presents and wrapped them up with care. And shown so much friendliness to them and yet today they are insisting you get rid of her like she had ebola. You can’t understand such animosity and end up defending her. Up up defending yourself and you don’t want to hear it from them, or anyone.

its a right mess people. The dismantling of a relationship is much harder than the building of one. Its going to take a lot of time to heal.

There has been so much thinking, your thinking has started thinking on its own becuase you have gotten tired of thinking.

You dont have anyone to go out to eat with now and you don’t really want to cook up anything at home. You may ready to eats, you just have simple stuff just to keep from being hungry. She visits the cats a couple times a week, she sees you have no food she brings food. You have at least a semblance of a relationship and you have started to be just kind to her, no complaints no arguing, no words or anger, nothing but mild support if anything.

The future is unknown, you remind yourself yesterday truly is yesterday good or bad or ugly it is over, tomorrow is a complete unknown and all you have is today. And you make the most of it. You collect yourself and try your best to make friends with yourself again. It’s hard because there is no lonliness like finding a partner and then losing the partner.

You take solace in your everyday day. YOu go to the gym, you go biking, you take yourself to the movies, you binge watch a lot of shows on tv.

You reach out to people you passed by in the past and re establish some contact and make possible future get togethers. YOu don’t want to be with your close friends who are too close to the calamity. You don’t want their opinions as they invariably will want to pass on to you. You don’t want to hear your family’s words of advice or what not, their offers of a good lawyer.

You have to shout them to leave you alone, its YOUR fucking life and YOU are going to deal with it.

The details may differ but the general framework of the destruction of a relationship follows many a similar path.

There light at the end of the tunnel once you realize which tunnel you are in exactly because you are in several tunnels, tunnels that lead to tunnels.

The sun will shine again . You are a player in the stage of your life and other players will join the stage with you while others will leave.

(did this help you? I hope so)

…

TLDR

I read it. Fuck. Heavy Duty. It’s actually what I was wondering, and he laid it all out.
@CTaitung you made me come back to it

[CTaitung]

@wick3d

That’s rough.
Sorry you’re going through this. Getting cheated on, especially after four years, is brutal.

It can really mess with your sense of trust, self-worth, and even your experience living in Taiwan. But you will get through it. Take some time out and process the pain…

• It’s normal to feel anger, betrayal, and sadness. Let yourself feel it, but don’t let it define you.
• Write down your thoughts, vent to trusted friends (or even anonymously online, like on here), and allow yourself to grieve.

Cut Contact (At Least for Now)

• I’d say go no contact with her. Any lingering communication will just slow down your healing.
• If you share mutual friends, don’t be afraid to set boundaries about what you want to hear.

Stay Busy & Rediscover Yourself

• Taiwan has so much to offer—explore it! Go hiking, take a trip to Green Island, Improve your Mandarin (if you haven’t already), or pick up a new hobby.
• Focus on self-improvement—hit the gym, take up some new hobbies, or get into a passion project.

Surround Yourself with Good People

• If you’re feeling isolated in Taiwan, connect with new people—meetups, sports clubs, language exchange groups, or even expat events.
• It helps to talk to others who have been through it. You’re not alone.

Shift Your Perspective

• Being cheated on says more about her than it does about you. This wasn’t a reflection of your worth.
• If she could betray you after four years, imagine what a lifetime would have looked like. Better to know now than later.
• You now have the freedom to find someone better, someone who will value loyalty the way you do.

Finally, just remember: this is temporary. One day, this will just be a lesson and a story you tell, not something that defines your life. Focus on yourself, and you’ll come out of this stronger.

@Theo9 , pretty much follow this

[afterspivak]

It’s good advice—although perhaps a lighter hand with the liberal use of bold font would also help.

Guy

[Van]

Just normal innocent men

[tommy525]

I have two friends who are divorced from
trying relationships and are now ten years
Into new live in life partners who they are not married to

Because they are not married they know there are no official ties and they must work on their relationships daily and the resentments don’t build up

There is no taking each other for granted

This works for many

Marriage has over 50pct failure rate

Marriage maybe should be like what my dad says
Be like a drivers license and must be renewed every five years

I think marriage is a tool to allow two people to build a life together and have a strong foundation for children

It’s failed so many

Although there are success stories

[volv1992]

Thanks ChatGPT!