Hey
I haven’t seen much topics about it . So I thought I’ll ask , for those who got cheated on , or maybe someone you know , how did you/they move on ? Did it impact your life in Taiwan in any way ?
I’ve just found out my gf of 4 years been cheating , so I guess I need a place to listen to others or maybe vent .
Depends. Are you mad or sad?
Four years is a long time, but you know what’s longer? 40. You dodged a bullet.
Context please
too many variables
Nothing gets me over the last one quite like the next one
Haven’t really had a real GF in Taiwan. Lots of action here, I’ve only met one who seemed worth settling down with but that wasn’t mutual. The only impact there is I wish she were interested, but she’s far away so I take that silver lining and enjoy the process of looking for someone else
If there’s no kids or anything, I hope she didn’t pass something on to you, and you can count yourself lucky that you found out before permanent damage was done. Apparently this one wasn’t worth it, now you know!
Not exactly the same, but I had a very long-term relationship (similar length to yours) where the girl got closer and closer to a male friend, and then broke up with me and started dating him. Still unsure if she physically cheated, but she was definitely emotionally cheating by the end.
Anyway it was pretty devastating for me, I though we’d be together forever. My initial emotion was anger, directed at both her and the new guy. She wanted to stay friends but I ranted at her and basically burnt all bridges there.
Next came loneliness. Suddenly I was single which should have been fun after such a long time, but I had no real desire to date anyone else. I think I went though a period of depression where I just went out with friends drinking, or stayed at home most weekends. This lasted about 3-6 months.
Then I tried dating again but it was weird, as all the girls weren’t as nice as her. I dated 2 different girls that year and I ended both, because in both cases they weren’t up to the standard of my previous relationship. But still it was kind of nice to get to be back in the dating pool.
After about a year, I got over it. But still think about her occasionally; in all honesty, I never really got full closure. I was, however, happy to hear that she and the new guy broke up.
“Best way to get over someone is to get under someone” (was told that by a male friend).
Mad or sad , hmm maybe both . I found out so many lies in the past month that I have mixed emotions of both . Lies went as far as saying to me she’s spending the weekend with friends but actually flying with the guy abroad .
Rationally thinking I know I dodged the bullet but 4 years together , and I just got the ring to propose , I’m starting to question the idea of love , trust , and my stay here in Taiwan .
It bothered me a lot when I made her cheating my issues thinking what did I do wrong
It stopped bothering me when I realized her cheating on me was nothing related to me and it’s her own problem she needs to fix first
Cheating hurts you when it clashes with your self confidence where your mind subconsciously tells you that there must be something wrong with you that’s why she did it,
If you don’t make it about yourself ,it doesn’t hurt that much. Still hurts like hell ofcourse but overtime gets better
Oh dood, you’re mad. Turn the page. Get under someone asap.
Lead with that at the bar or tinder or whatever. Some gal will wanna prove you wrong.
Again, sorry to hear about this, but this is life. It really sucks sometimes. Now go be the guy your ex wanted you to be. She probably wasn’t wrong in her criticisms. lol Irony is great equalizer.
I broke with a long term GF and in my next relationship-- my present 26 year marriage, oorah, I actually did become more of the man the ex desired. Ha. She missed the boat. lol I’m retired at 57 and her husband is a pasty-faced whale who sells insurance to prisons. 
yup
This is actually insane; has she even tried to give you an explanation and an apology?
Sure feels like a problem with you at the time. The questions of “what could I have done differently / better” kept me awake for many sleepless nights. Acceptance means accepting she likes the other guy more than you, which is very crushing on the ego (for me at least).
I just wish you wouldn’t put spaces after , commas and stuff.
It is crushing but remember. If she can just cheat on you to be with him, she will do something similar with him eventually too.
Even if she is with a new guy, i am not sure any guy wants to be with an immature women.
I’m leavingyou.
In the end we all get cured of our relationships, love, and sentiments.
Those whom life doesn’t cure, death will.
Stay in Taiwan. Life won’t be magically better elsewhere.
Get yourself into a new adventure hobby, like shark diving with apex predators. I do that with great whites and tiger sharks. It’s fun to be in the water with a species that has no feelings or emotions if it wants to end you.
The lengths men go to move on from a lass
Take solace in that she is a horrible person and you found out early. Cheating in the moment is one thing, intentionally lying and deceiving your loved ones to spend time with another person is something else entirely. Absolutely unacceptable, no grey zone here unless you did similar things first.
Ithinkimeantbefore
That works the opposite for me. Now I’m throbbing .
You felt ill at work so you came home early. When you parked in front of your house you had a sudden “joking” thought? What if a man was in the house with your lady? Should you go through the garage (which makes a hella racket) and watch him bolt out the front door or should you go in the front door and watch him bolt out the garage? You brush your stupid thought aside and go up to your front door. You put the key in the lock and turn it and…you can’t open the door. She is blocking the door from the inside??! You suddenly realize that you had a Premonition not a stupid stray thought. You push yourself past the door, she does not have the physical strength you have afterall. There is a man taking a shower in the bathroom?! You bust into the bathroom and the guy shouts be out in a minute and we will talk. He busts out a minute later and bolts out the front door. You tell her you need to sit down and talk YOu know what happened, is happening but you need to ask her why? You shout at her, you are very mad. The door bell rings, the police are at the door. The “escapee” has called the cops thinking you aim to do her harm. You tell the police the one who should be afraid of harm is not her.
They leave. You sit down and she doesnt want to talk. You retreat into the guest room to let things settle down. Nobody has any dinner. The house is dark and strangely cold. She locked her bedroom door and wont talk.
YOu text her into the wee hours of the morning. Thinking text may be a better way to talk as texting brought you together over your long term long distance relationship to today, years later together.
She tells you she loved you but lost her love for you. You realize slowly and see the clues along the way. The last few years she has been distant and refusing physical togetherness. Shes always busy at work and wants to go hang out with her friends. You know her friends and feel that ok, she needs to hang with her crowd. Not knowing sometimes, it was NOT with her pals but with her lover. The betrayal is real and it hurts. It hits you like a truck head on. You never thought for a moment this could be happening but it was and it is.
You go to work , she rarely calls, but she does and she wants to move out. You say, you are not ready for this, let’s give it a few months. She continues to live with you but does not want to talk to you, does not want to go out and eat like before, does not call you at work for chit chat. Does not want to chit chat at home. Locks herself away in her room or goes out. You start to realize you lost your mate and your best friend at the same time. And you realize your future is now very uncertain but what is certain is that it will be different.
You used to be a bachelor and actually found it hard to have a mate to come home to, It took a year or two to get comfortable with this new concept. But in time you came to not only accept this constant togetherness but to embrace it, to enjoy it. But your differences remain and sometimes things get heated, you say words you never really meant, never really meant to say. She takes it to heart and love begins to die in her heart for you and for her life with you.
Without the desire to be with you, she feels lost and unloved. Because she did not want to love either. Her unhappiness shows in your life together.
They say when a man cheats it is because he had an opportunity and a desire to have sex with a different woman but he did not need to be in love with this woman he is having an affair with. But they say for many women by the time the affair has gotten to a sexual one she has already left you in her heart, quite some time ago.
She was exactly this, but she was maintaining a facade. The show was over. You ask her what she wants to do, she says she is sorry but she doesnt know either. She says shes lost a husband and a lover who didnt know she was married and her heart is very heavy and she is not sure she wants to live anymore.
YOu back off, you don’t want to cause her more distress, you seek out an old mate and ask for his ear, not so much to give you advice but to have an ear to listen. Your friend is very understanding and wise enough to not offer advice. Only an understanding without condemnation.
The days go by slowly, you can’t do well at work, you can’t concentrate and whereas before you used to jump in your car and drive home to go out with your missus or eat at home to a meal shes cooked and to hang out with her. She used to ask you when you will be home. Now the calls don’t come anymore. You drive home, but you stop along the way at a look out . You watch the waves rolling in. YOu don’t want to go home because you are not sure what things you will say to her. You get home and shes not there, she has not come home yet. She comes home later, doesn’t want to talk, goes to her room. The next few days she doesn’t even come home. She does not answer your calls or text. You sit in your home that is not a home. And you are in a wasteland. Nothing is right anymore.
You text her that night and you implore her to not let your love die between the two of you. She texts back and there is a lot of back and forth. She tells you shes sorry but her heart is for someone else and there is no turning back.
You feel the change in yourself, you don’t take pleasure in hanging with your friends anymore and you would rather be alone. You are actually glad on weekends shes gone out with her friends so you can hang out at home and chill with your pets.
The days turn into months, the silence at home is deadening. Your mind races day and night , you feel sad, you feel happy, you feel devastated, you feel a new day has begun you are excited for a new future. You are going to rediscover the old you. But you don’t , you can’t get over it because of the mental commitments you made and the life you thought was going to be.
She moves out, you are left alone at home. The house is not a home anymore. But the good thing is you can come home after work again, there is no need to stop along the way and ponder what you will say to her when you get home.
There is much anguish and much self introspection and you wish the two of them will die, you wish you will die. Then you realize you don’t want her to die, you don’t want to die yourself. You start to find justification for all this you seek peace and enlightenment.
Finally near a year since the great destruction of the life you know, you begin to heal, you begin to realize we are all players in the great play that is life. You start to think no one should be forced to be with someone they don’t want to be with. No one should stay in misery. Everyone has a right to happiness.
You stop pestering her with texts daily, you don’t call her either. Soon a semblence of a relationship begins to emerge, she and you share pets. And she still has a lot of her stuff in the house. She has the key and the nicer car. You stop being mean to her in any sense in your words, or anything. You let things cool. And you realize that maybe had cooler heads prevailed she may have only wanted a short term affair but you made her choose , no you didn’t give her a choice, you demanded a divorce. She said nothing but a week later says ok, let’s do it, because that is my decision. WE have not done it. We have not discussed it.
Your family thinks you should ditch her like last nights chinese takeaway. You wonder why they have so much animosity for her? You think for so many christmases she has bought them nice presents half of it her own money and taken the effort to ensure they are thoughtful presents and wrapped them up with care. And shown so much friendliness to them and yet today they are insisting you get rid of her like she had ebola. You can’t understand such animosity and end up defending her. Up up defending yourself and you don’t want to hear it from them, or anyone.
its a right mess people. The dismantling of a relationship is much harder than the building of one. Its going to take a lot of time to heal.
There has been so much thinking, your thinking has started thinking on its own becuase you have gotten tired of thinking.
You dont have anyone to go out to eat with now and you don’t really want to cook up anything at home. You may ready to eats, you just have simple stuff just to keep from being hungry. She visits the cats a couple times a week, she sees you have no food she brings food. You have at least a semblance of a relationship and you have started to be just kind to her, no complaints no arguing, no words or anger, nothing but mild support if anything.
The future is unknown, you remind yourself yesterday truly is yesterday good or bad or ugly it is over, tomorrow is a complete unknown and all you have is today. And you make the most of it. You collect yourself and try your best to make friends with yourself again. It’s hard because there is no lonliness like finding a partner and then losing the partner.
You take solace in your everyday day. YOu go to the gym, you go biking, you take yourself to the movies, you binge watch a lot of shows on tv.
You reach out to people you passed by in the past and re establish some contact and make possible future get togethers. YOu don’t want to be with your close friends who are too close to the calamity. You don’t want their opinions as they invariably will want to pass on to you. You don’t want to hear your family’s words of advice or what not, their offers of a good lawyer.
You have to shout them to leave you alone, its YOUR fucking life and YOU are going to deal with it.
The details may differ but the general framework of the destruction of a relationship follows many a similar path.
There light at the end of the tunnel once you realize which tunnel you are in exactly because you are in several tunnels, tunnels that lead to tunnels.
The sun will shine again . You are a player in the stage of your life and other players will join the stage with you while others will leave.
(did this help you? I hope so)
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