Just a personal observation (and other friends too). It seems to me that guys in the States do not become friends with the girls first to start dating them. The intention is alwyas shown in the beginning, and if there is none between them, then the guy moves on. Most of my friends in the States believe if you can’t make the girl like you or show some sort of extra interest in you then it can only be in friends in the future. One of guy’s quote is you can go from yes to no, but never from no to yes (not never, but very rarely). I personal, sadly have to agree with that a lot of the time. Although I really don’t agree with that idea. I have spent a year with a girl before, to understand better than no one else (she said herself, and many complicated long story inside, but anyhow), she doesn’t have that kind of feelings toward me in the end, so it’s just friends.
Is that a cultural difference? In Taiwan it is much more normal to become friends with the girl before showing any sort of intention.
just a clarification, I am not saying guys in the States go straight out to ask the girl in the place, more subtle than that. I just want to say that many couples that I knew of never start as friends (so many of them never end as friends again).
To ask the girl what? To go on a date? Or to sleep with him?
To ask the girl what? To go on a date? Or to sleep with him?[/quote]
not in either sense, my point is not that. My point is to say people in the States will not make friendship first before they start going out, it’s either in or out from the beginning, I just want to know if my own little observation is correct, and if it is correct, then why?
In OR out? How’s that work?
Also, I should add that I concur, but with one minor difference. I don’t think the above statements are true only for Americans. Rather I would say that it’s GENERALLY (with the obvious exceptions) true of western guys. We do tend to “go for the kill” so to speak, rather than making friends first. By that I mean, we meet a girl we think we may like and want to get involved in a relationship ASAP with out wanting “to make friends” first.
I came to realise this after a friend (long time resident) told me, “hey mate, have you considered just making friends with the girls first?” Since then I have modified my approach some.
This is opposed to the local lasses always wanting to have “just language exchange” or be “just friends”, when they are also obviously interested in exploring the romantic route. However, they seem to want to go the platonic route first and to suss the guy out and decide whether he is indeed the sort of fellow she wants to get involved with long term. And this might be the real difference. How we actually percieve dating. My feeling is that we (westerners) see dating as meeting and dating different people in order to guage what kind of person we really like until we find someone we want to spend time with on a more permanent basis. The local lasses seem to want to make friends first and gather the info they need before getting involved romantically, because to them dating is by definition a long term committment.
I may be wrong in this assesment, but on the whole I think there is a lot of truth (by what I have experienced) in this observation.
Girls just wanna have fun?
I truly believe that a couple should be friends first before they started dating. I am not saying to start dating w/in your friend’s circle, but instead, get to know that opposite sex from a friend level before you decided if you want to date them or not.
most of my relationship had started off that way. Did it work out better that way?? Well, I am single, what do you think? :loco:
Nah, even though it didn’t work out for me, but I think friendship is the fundamental stage for a good relationship.
but it’s a troublesome way if you want to get different kinds of booty. that’s because you are ACCOUNTABLE to a friend. and a friend will put you in line and make you feel bad for doing stuff they don’t appreciate.
In OR out? How’s that work?[/quote]
Means if she doesn’t like you enough in the first place you should consider move on soon enough or start playing, buddy, continuous courtship that is. The important part is it’s pointless to make a friend if you are hoping some time in the future things will turn around. Friendship can happen, but turn around is unlikely. This what I meant by you’re either in or out from the beginning.
thanks for the response bismarck, I agree it’s a different cultural thing between the west and the east. I had troubles with that when I first came to the States (broke my heart). I personally still think I should make friends first. I think it’s important because this way I can understand her better before I just jump on the gun for the look (and some not so deep understanding of her personalities). Also I think there is more reason to remain friends afterwards, thus more willingness to put an effort to make a friend with your ex. Whether that is necessary or not is a personal opinion of course. I can’t say the eastern culture will be more likely to make ex. friends, just me personally.
to mymarkov, well, I am not talking about one night stand here. What you said is the exact reason why I want to make friends first, I don’t mind being accountable, I want to be responsbile for every action I take.
I have to disagree. Most successful (happy) long-term relationships are based not only on things like honesty, trust, love, and communication, but also on being friends before lovers. Friendship in an intimate relationship can make it not only better, but more likely to be successful.
You’re thinking too much about this.
I have to disagree. Most successful (happy) long-term relationships are based not only on things like honesty, trust, love, and communication, but also on being friends before lovers. Friendship in an intimate relationship can make it not only better, but more likely to be successful.[/quote][/quote]
I am not saying it’s right or wrong, just an observation I have seen and explanation of what’s “in” or “out”.
perhaps, but I still do remeber the that none of my relationship that started out as friends work out in the end, and many of them never started for reason one or another. I would like to hear it from ladies’ view actually. A lot of them think start from friendship is troublesome.
Clee, I think friendship is an important part of any good relationship. However, attraction is also a big part. In my experience, attraction is either there or it’s not. I have some guy friends who are really wonderful people, but I’m not attracted to them at all. Sometimes, I’ve gotten the feeling that they may be interested in something more, but no matter how much I’d like, I just can’t manufacture the passion that’s necessary, especially at the beginning of a romantic relationship.
What’s the solution? I have no idea. I guess that’s why I’m still single. I’m still holding out for passionate, romantic love.
[quote=“Erhu”]Clee, I think friendship is an important part of any good relationship. However, attraction is also a big part. In my experience, attraction is either there or it’s not. I have some guy friends who are really wonderful people, but I’m not attracted to them at all. Sometimes, I’ve gotten the feeling that they may be interested in something more, but no matter how much I’d like, I just can’t manufacture the passion that’s necessary, especially at the beginning of a romantic relationship.
What’s the solution? I have no idea. I guess that’s why I’m still single. I’m still holding out for passionate, romantic love.[/quote]
hum, feelings counts a lot, especially for girls I guess.
Somehow I got the impression that girl in the east will be more likely to settle for a “nice guy”, even if the feeling might not be there.