“Dating” over long distance?

I like rhetorical questions :rofl:

I say I must have lived quite a sheltered life or I’m just not that adventurous.

I can say that there are a few things I regretted having done but I dont recall regretting a lot that I have not done other than the few girls I probably should have done

And even if I was hot on a chick I’d
Be a little concerned about her if she just jumps on a plane and appears at my door

I’d start thinking Fatal Attraction shit

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Almost one year later, I’m feeling like giving this thread some sort of update.

Quick recap, met a Taiwanese girl during an exchange, stayed in contact as friends, met again and the friendship turned into more than friendship, then some radio silence then went on a vacation together quite spontaneously and then created this thread because feeling confused. So if you enjoyed part one of the novel, grab some popcorn (salty or sweet - I won’t mind) and carry on for part two:

Having started this thread and having read through all the responses, I was still in the same situation as before. Not saying the responses didn’t help or anything, just feeling unsure about how to behave or what to do next.

So looking back:

<-- Yeah, this guy was totally right!!

Anyway, I kept wet blanketing for quite some time longer - keeping in contact with her and basically exchanging messages daily with her. Me telling her that I miss her and would like to see her again. And her telling me the same. Lots of sweet talk and lighthearted conversations. But none of us really having any idea when and how we could actually meet again. And still staying “just friends” all the time with no real plan for the future.

At the same time, I also tried to get back into online dating - but nothing really serious came out of it. Mostly just coffee dates, some one night stands and one or two friends with benefits kind of situations (talk about Europeans non being man-whores, right?!?). Still, all the time I felt like I was comparing all the girls to her and didn’t want to “settle” for someone for whom I felt less attraction than for her.

This continued for some time, but then we finally made plans to meet again in Europe. Luckily, we were able to before Corona hit. She flew to Amsterdam and spend another two weeks visiting some cities in Europe before she flew back. I really enjoyed the time with her. Waking up to her, falling asleep next to her, eating breakfast, lunch and dinner with her and going sightseeing with her. Hadn’t felt so happy for quite some time. She also seemed to enjoy our time together very much.

However, we didn’t really talk about the future in any kind. Just enjoying out time together and being happy. I actually thought about asking her to by my girlfriend, but ultimately decided against it: It didn’t really wanted to get caught in a long-distance relationship and just seeing each other maybe once or twice every year. I felt like I had been single for long enough and didn’t want to waste another couple of years enjoying almost none of the advantages being in a relationship but also giving up my “freedom” for it. I just couldn’t do it.

(Wet blanketing continues and intensifies).

So she flew back and things basically went on as before: Us exchanging cute messages almost daily, me going on some dates, but never really meeting a girl I would want to spend my life with. But always thinking back to her and our time together. And my feelings for her only growing stronger. At some points, I started suggesting that maybe she could come to Europe to study maybe. But she was still too unsure about what kind of future career she wanted to pursue. Mostly telling me that maybe we just need to wait longer for a good time.

Over time, I started realising that this kind of causal dating on one hand and developing stronger feelings for her was just not really healthy (Surprise! Who could have known…). Also, Corona hit and made it impossible to plan another trip to see her in person. So I knew that I had to do something and stop being a wet blanket: Either getting into a real relationship with her and starting to work on a real plan to be together or just end things and actually take my dating efforts more seriously.

I tried explaining to her how I felt. That I loved her, but didn’t want to be in a relationship with her unless we are both committed to planning a future together and not just being a long-distance couple for some years first. That I still didn’t want to stay single forever. How I tried meeting other girls, but couldn’t get her out of my mind. How confused all this had left me. How I just wanted her to be my girlfriend and be together with her and how much easier things would be if we lived closer to each other.

She actually was taking by surprise when I told her that I also dated other girls, although she again verified that we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend but just “friends” (although by then already sometimes telling each other that we love each other). I know, sounds stupid - but I just didn’t know how to act in that situation: For me, explicitly agreeing to not being boyfriend and girlfriend basically means that you don’t expect any form of exclusivity from the other person. She told me (visibly sad) that she thought we were like boyfriend and girlfriend already (but without the “label” because that would also cause some unnecessary pressure according to her). And she thought I just should have asked her to be my girlfriend when she visited Europe.

She told me that she needed some time to think about all this. I was devastated because at that moment it felt like I would be losing her forever (Maybe it was for the better? But I still think that she is one of these persons you might only meet once in a lifetime. So I cried all day.). And yeah - the way I acted probably wasn’t the most honest way either. I mean I never lied to her about not meeting other girls and technically didn’t do anything wrong - but looking back I am not proud of how I behaved. So she had every right to be angry with me. But still - just being in a long distance relationship with a complete open an unsure future might haven even been worse…

Do I look like an asshole now? Probably.
Would I do things differently if I had the chance? For sure.
Was I a wet blanket? You bet!
Am I in love with this girl? Madly!
Do I deserve her? Probably not.
Was she playing me? Or was I playing her? I don’t know.
Did any of you anticipate that this would be happening? Maybe.
Will some people enjoy the drama of reading through this and provide some helpful and unhelpful comments? We will see!

To be continued.

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You f*ed up dating other girls. That showed her you are not committed to her. Being honest about it will not give you any credit.
And all that came from you being a ‘wet blanket’ in the first place.
Cut your losses and move on.

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Amor de lejos, amor de pendejos

whats so great about her? i’m curious. is it an absence makes the heart grow fonder type deal? because from your earlier post you didn’t want to commit when you were physically in the same country as her.

from her side it sounds like shes being pretty typical and waiting for you to take the lead.

This. Don’t ask, don’t tell. Even if she can take a guess that you weren’t celibate all that time (and possibly she wasn’t either) that’s the sort of thing it’s best not to be bluntly honest about in this scenario, IMO.

I think it’s time to move on, particularly since you don’t seem inclined to move to Taiwan.

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I don’t doubt that you have strong feelings for this girl and perhaps you really do love her in some way, but if you were madly in love with her, you wouldn’t have written half the things you wrote. You wouldn’t have been hesitant or confused. You wouldn’t have been so easily deterred by distance. You wouldn’t have been seeing other women. You wouldn’t be coming up with reasons a relationship couldn’t work out or why she doesn’t deserve you.

Everything you’ve written tells me you’re not madly in love. My suggestion: figure out why you’ve convinced yourself this is the case when your feelings and actions aren’t consistent with it. Perhaps that will either help you get past whatever roadblock is preventing you from finally pursuing a relationship in earnest, or let go of this girl and move on.

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While reading OP’s tale I couldn’t help but imagine it all as a Netflix series.

Anyway, if I was the woman I would move on from you. We would stay friends and I would find closure on my own. I hate time wasters. And it’s not because my biological clock is ticking. It’s just that life’s too short to waste on men like you.

She’ll probably be your TOTGA. Now that’s a good season 2 for this series. Or sequel, if you’re sticking with the novel format.

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I know what it’s like being in a long distance relationship. Mine just ended. So because of that, I just move on as a one-man person running around from one woman to another.