Dealing with extreme silent treatment

Life Dating & Relationships
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This is something that I have struggled with for many years, but I have been too ashamed and embarrassed to ever mention it online.

I have been suffering the most extreme version of silent treatment for close to 10 years now, and I just don’t know how to live with it.

I first learned about it and its unique Filipino version when I first experienced it a few times. Later I learnt it was something known as “tampo” in the Philippines and considered very common. Tampo isn’t just not speaking but complete detachment, behaving as the other person doesn’t exist or is invisible and refusing to do anything for them, even like basic duties, like caring in illness.

At first, I thought tampo was just something cute and innocent, and that I could deal with it. I didn’t realize that I was going to have to deal with an even extreme version of it that I was completely ill-prepared for.

In the beginning of the marriage I researched Tampo and learnt to reconcile each time to fix it, but I quickly realized that it didn’t work, due to its frequency. Also, the nature of tampo (silent treatment) was that I mostly wouldn’t know what I did, and in most cases the reasons, which would somtimes take enormous effort to figure out, mostly turned out to be childish and immature.

By trying to fix tampo, i.e apologizing and giving in, I inadvertently encouraged its use and frequency. I initially treated tampo if it were an uncommon occurrence, but quickly realized that it was happening every other day. Slowly and gradually I delayed “fixing” it, but that didn’t stop tampo, it just extended the duration of silent treatment.

In the past when I would fix it within hours, that’d be the end of it, but it would quickly return, so each time I was slower to respond (because it was upsetting to me as to why it kept happening). The end result was that I simply suffered longer, if I decided to stand up for myself.,

The longer I would take (or tried to hold my stance to protest how wrong the behavior was), the only result would be prolonged exposure to the effects of tampo. It soon became overwhelming and started to mess with my head so badly.

If I let it last 2 days, meant 2 days of feeling tortured until I gave in. I’d fix it, only for it to return. I tried 3 days, and she’d let it go on it for 3 days. In fact, no matter how long I waited, she’d never stop on her own. From her perspective, if i didn’t want to fix it for 4 days, meant I was going to get 4 days of tampo.. I have had tampos that I lasted for 1 week, 2 weeks. 4 weeks.. 2 months. The extended duration of tampo didn’t affect its frequency. E.g if I waited 2 months to give in, and then fixed it, she could still get upset the next day, if she perceived offense to anything I said or did even if it was unintentional, which it almost always was, because I wouldn’t intentionally want to upset her.

I was so scared of silent treatment because it’s affecting my sanity, that I lived each day walking on eggshells because I was so traumatized by the tampo. So I did everything I could to avoid being subjected to it, but still always failed. There were some years of marriage, where if I were to put together all days of tampo (silent treatment) it would probably add up to more than 6 months of silent treatment each year.

Somedays I feel that I absolutely can’t deal with it. It’s so deeply traumatizing to me now, every time she does it, that I just break down completely, even unable to do my job properly.

I know I haven’t given any examples of how I cause this. But just this last one should suffice, as I have gotten silent treatment for a lot less.

This Saturday night I read short-stories to my daughter. As the room was too dark and there were no lights.. my daughter asked for one of the dim bedside lamps to be turned on. My wife refused. I went and turned it on, because I know my daughter is afraid of the dark, which was partly caused by being locked in the bathroom with lights off, something my daughter suffered at the hands of my wife many times when she was 3 until I caught it on a baby cam and put a stop to it.

My wife protested why I turned on a dim beside light, and I explained to her that I’d rather Zara not cry before sleep. It’s a simple request the girl made, and she was behaving well, so it was fine to let her have her some light, as she is scared of the dark. My wife proceeded to accost me , tell me how I was too nice, I was weak, and that this was the reason my daughter didn’t respect me, because I always gave in to her demands. I only told her that “please let’s not do this again", as I had already heard all this stuff a dozen times before and it wasn’t worth another argument and especially I didn’t want another silent treatment.

Unluckily for me this did cause another tampo. She didn’t talk to me all night, and today all day, even though it was father’s day, she never spoke to me, or wished me anything. It’s not like Father’s Day is anything special. I have had it happen on all kinds of days and occasions, birthdays included. Anyway, this tampo episode still continues.

Besides Tampo, all I have ever heard is how I am a bad husband and a bad father. I honestly often think that I am, because I have heard it so many times. I used to defend myself but I am confused to the point where I don’t even know what’s true anymore. It’s entirely possible that I really am a bad person, a bad husband and a bad father. As that’s the only way all this makes sense anymore and then everything I get, all this treatment I get, can be justified.

I honestly don’t know how to deal with it anymore. I was so stressed by all this I went and got prescription for Xanax just to deal with all the stress, anxiety and depression this has caused me. I was scared of getting addicted to it, so most of the pills still sit in my drawers unused. I use alcohol sometimes to numb the feeling, but stopped that too because I don’t want to become dependent on it.

This kind of thing is just not something easy to talk about. I can’t even discuss with any other male friends, especially in Taiwan. It’s not easy to say, hey man I think I am being psychologically abused, I desperately need help, and I have no way out due to Taiwan’s divorce laws and that I have been threatened with loss of my daughter if I even think of it. What do I do?

I am not looking for solutions tbh. But I just needed to let this all out as I have been holding it in for so many years, and tonight for some reason I just had enough, and want to tell someone what I am going through and I don’t care what they think of me because of it.

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I assume she is Taiwanese?
I experienced this silent treatment once from a Taiwanese ex I lived with. After asking her some questions one day, she did not answer. I said to myself, ‘two can play at this game’. I said not a word to her. After a week, she capitulated. There were no kids, thankfully.
In your case, there is.
I know it is easy saying you should look to move on, but I would start planning.
Some here will be way better versed about rights to see your daughter should you divorce, and can give advice as they have been or know people in similar scenarios.
But what you have experienced is no way to live. She has no respect for you. You can never get it back.

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Strange assumption

I might go out on a limb and say she’s Filipina…

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That is what I thought, until I remembered my experience and friends’ experiences of the silent treatment in Taiwan; and that this is a Taiwanese forum.

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Feel for you bro
Will have a longer response later

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Very common for foreigners in Taiwan to marry and date Filipinas…

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Sounds like your presence is allowing her to escape self-examination. She’s found a whipping boy for her own psychological issues.

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You’re a good man, FB. Hang in there, and keep loving your beautiful kids.

Guy

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If it’s been going on for ten years, probably not much chance of changing it, or it correcting itself.

Personally I’d enjoy some silent treatment, my wife just starts yelling. Thankfully that doesn’t happen too often or I’d have to consider other options.

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It’s good to let it out. But I would recommend a friend, church mentor, sibling, etc. who you can reach out to. You need some counseling and this will take time.

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To speak of woe that is in marriage.

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Just wanted to say thank you for sharing that. I could read your sincerity and really get a feeling for what you must be going through. My advice would be to keep on talking about it like you just did now. In lieu of divulging your private life to close confidants or a trusted therapist, sharing your story online will help you make sense of it and clear away some of that agonizing inner chaos. It’s scary to share this kind of stuff online but it does have a therapeutic effect and these little acts of courage do wonders for your soul.

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The reading comprehension dilemma rears its head again: was it, somehow, misunderstood, or just not read at all?

As far as OP is concerned, yeah that sounds fucked up. Record it, get custody of the child, and get the kid away from that shit imo. No way you can be doing worse to her than what her mother does by constant verbal abuse directed at you and neglect directed at her when it relates to you. Think about what that stay silent and shut it out attitude will turn into when she learns it as a teenager.

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So is this happening in Taiwan ?
And is she Filipino?

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Huge mistake mate!!!

If my wife tries the silent treatment and acts like a child, I respond in kind, I give her silence right back. I don’t chase, I don’t beg. The first few times, it dragged on, but eventually she realized she wasn’t going to get attention or power out of it, and the behavior stopped.

Tampo only works if you feed it. Letting it run its course without reacting is hard at first, especially if you’re the kind of person who wants peace, but in the long run, it puts an end to emotional blackmail.

I’ll give you an example. Once, we got into an argument over a wrong address on Foodpanda. She blamed me for the order getting lost, then gave me the silent treatment. After a while, I grabbed the car keys and started heading out. She followed me and asked where I was going. I said, “To get myself some food,” and even asked if she wanted anything. She didn’t respond, so I left it at that.

When I came back with just food for myself, she was shocked. “Why didn’t you get me any?” she asked. I told her, “I asked, and you didn’t answer.” After that, she learned real quick, silence doesn’t get her what she wants.

She even told me one day that she was disappointed the tampo didn’t work on me. :rofl:

Here’s what I suggest:

Sit her down once, during a calm moment, and say this clearly and firmly:
“I will no longer respond to silent treatment. If you have a problem, you’re free to talk to me. But if you go silent, I’ll take that to mean you want space, and I’ll give you all the space you want, indefinitely.”

Then stick to it. Don’t ask what’s wrong. Don’t apologise. Don’t try to fix it. Go on with your day, be kind to your daughter, take care of yourself, and leave her to her tantrum. Let her realise she’s now punishing herself, not you. Due it being so severe it could even go on for a few days, but you need to stick to it.

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Tampo is actually extremely common. But when handled badly, it can ruin a relationship.

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Yeah, before you actually stop responding to tampo, you need to make it clear to her. Perhaps you could also explain your reasons for responding before and the reasons for not responding in the future. Use I statements and tell her how tampo made you feel, and how it is poisoning the relationship.

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Also another thing too. Filipinos are typically scared of divorce (especially when kids are involved) and want to hold the family together. I note this is a bit of a power move but @Fuzzy_Barbecue is the Taiwan citizen and she knows it. If it lasts more than a few days feel free to stay somewhere else like a hotel or something and take the daughter with you and say until you stop this we will be gone.

Make sure to tell her where you are though. Don’t just disappear completely.

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If the girls only have Taiwan citizenship, you have to be careful about your partner taking them out of the country and not returning. People in the past have hid aboard and abuse the fact that their country has no official relations with Taiwan and get away with it.

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The problem here is that it has gone on for years, you said a decade now. She has learned that it works and that no matter what you will break first, she just has to hold out long enough. As others mentioned already, you need to lay down the rules. She is not to treat you that way, and if she does that will likely be the end of the marriage as you won’t tolerate being treated like that.

Only problem is, as she has got away with it so long, she will be outraged by you standing up to her. I’d expect a lot of tantrums and lashing out. And I don’t like being negative but it’s likely she will opt out of the marriage at that point as she realizes you can’t be controlled anymore. That’s the risk.

There is a book I recommend that goes into this in detail called ‘no more Mr nice guy.’

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