Did I just see my perfect daughter in another child?

Life Dating & Relationships
1

On Saturday night my girlfirend had a friend over and she brought her kid along. Girl’s local and her hub is Swedish. The little girl… I cannot explain…

I have never been into kids and never wanted one ever, hence not being able to commit or need marriage, but this week-end past, I would gladly offer dadhood, if my daughter could be as perfect as her. Many are probably very familiar with what I just went through, but bear in mind I’m also the one who started a thread on commintment inabilities.

I am a nobody when it gets to be about this.

Everyone is entitled to their own outlook on marriage, as with everything else, I have many gremlins alive in me regarding marriage, and I didn’t have the best parental background… or related surrounds. I’m going to make this a reality for me and my g/f who has been ready and waiting for me for so long… and I’ve been preparing, mentally, physically & financially…

… I dont want any support, or words of faith, I need permonitions of reality… I know myself too well.
So if you are married, or even were, can you tell me what moment or incident was, that you were the LEAST prepared for, post marriage, when it happened?

2

Hey you married people help this guy out!
He’s bearing his soul for youse guys.
Sorry, I can’t help.
Haven’t been there.
Yet.

3

Hey you married people help this guy out!
He’s bearing his soul for youse guys.
Sorry, I can’t help.
Haven’t been there.
Yet.[/quote]
I might be able to if I knew what the question was.

4

I been there. Not there any more. There were demons I knew I had–and ones I didn’t know I had. Marriage is tough. But I’ve never seen a more beautiful and perfect child than my son. I’ve loved every moment of motherhood, even the ones when I know I could have done better. But I’m doing it alone now and that is, I think, even harder for him than it is for me. Parenthood is a blessing like not other, and thankfully, comes with it’s own mercies, but it’s a responsibility like none, too. That means a responsibility to your relationship with your spouce. I just was not able to hold things together, and ulitmatly, two marry and it takes two to stay that way. But parents do have a responsibility to their relationship–in debt to their children–that couples don’t have.

5

Would you get married to your gf even if kids weren’t a part of the picture? If not, I’d rethink the whole plan. Kids should be a consequence of a good marriage, not the reason to get married. That’s just my opinion.

6

Well, basically, women are stark raving lunatics at various points throughout the day, week, month, or year, and men are just a giant pain in the ass to live with pretty much 24/7.

Seriously, people have their quirks. The keys to a happy marriage are patience, humility, unselfishness. There are going to be days when you are impatient, cocky, and selfish, and your spouse is going to pay the price for that. If you’re prepared to limit the number of those days, and be enthusiastic about putting someone else’s needs ahead of your own on a consistent basis, then you’re ready. If not, stay single. You can get married at any age, or never.

It also helps if you know about and like her quirks. Also, if the sight of her bending over to grab the laundry while wearing baggy sweats and an old t-shirt gives you a woody, even after Year Two, you’re in very good shape marriage-wise.

As for kids, I’ve got a little daughter who seems perfect to me, but she also produces incredibly stinky diapers, cries and fusses quite a bit, and likes to walk around destroying stuff. Kids are a giant amount of work. If you don’t have a good spousal relationship, being a dad and mom who live together doesn’t work.

7

If you teach children for any length of time, you also see many kids who are a very good excuse for routinely kneeing any male you see in the balls.

8

I was very marriage phobic until my girl said the words that made me think. She had been asking me to marry her for about a year and one day she said "why dont we get married? we already are too committed to split apart, so why not? " I thought about it that day and that statement made perfect sense to me. That evening I told her so and we planned and got married.

Unfortunately the marriage didnt make it past year two. We were two people that shouldnt have been in a relationship in the first place, were constantly fighting in our two years of living together, were mis-matched from the get go. Two years of constant bickering while living together does NOT make a workable marriage.

But hey, the right words? They can be all you need to make a move. Whether its the right move or the wrong move? Well life is an unknown and a great adventure. Happy at times, bitter at times, sad at times, but its what life is all about right? A journey into the unknown with different characters along the way.

Dive in, the waters cold maybe, but you will get used to it :slight_smile:

FAct is, you ARE going to die one day, so live life to the fullest, best you can. CAusing as little regret for yourself and others as possible and making as much happiness for yourself and others as possible. Thats something I aim for?

9

My story is a little different. I’ve never been married so the thinking here is the opposite.

I’m pushing 40 now and had the pleasure of three wonderful relationships that could have resulted in marriage had I not thought long and hard about each one.

The first gal, when I was 26, was far too beautiful and sexy for me but she loved me anyway. We had a fantastic first year of sex and other intimacies and we were so right for each other. That first year led to less pleasure and less sex the second year, but still good times. Something was missing though. I stuck it out for love and totally superficial reasons. She was so hot! I have no idea why she stayed with me for three years because in the end we were both relieved to split. The time I thought about marriage was during the first year. But we held off and I’m glad. Dunno what really happened to us.

The second gal was my Korean girlfriend whom I met while teaching there. She was an angel and also very beautiful. (hey I’m no Tom Cruise. I think I’m just persistent and lucky to land the babes!) Anyway, we moved in together and I certainly thought she was the one for me. Until one day she tore up the house in a drunken rage because, at 4 am, I was too drunk and tired to have sex. Really! Even after that we thought about marriage and I was preparing to go for it. But her sporadic all night drinking binges and my strange habits finally got the best of us. We did split, but remained friends.

Finally to Taiwan, where I met a sweet gal much younger than me. She really dug me because she said her TW boyfriend, and TW men in general, had no passion or romance. We were together for almost two years when I finally realized that I wasn’t going to marry her either. It was also part superficial and part cultural. Although we got along like two peas in a pod, I didn’t want a messy divorce later which I knew would come for sure.

I guess my greatest fear is that of divorce. Why go into a marriage when you’re already thinking about failure? I’ve seen too many good people screw up their lives by getting married. And let’s not forget the kids who suffer, not to mention how difficult it is for men and women to meet someone when they have a child.

Funny thing is, I would like to be married. I’m still waiting for the right one. :notworthy:

10

Did she keep her TW boyfriend during those two years? :noway:

11

Hm…

I know my alias confuses many but I’m the wife in this relationship. Just so we’re clear. :LOL:

To answer your question, two things:

First, that as our family grew, I would be the one responsible for the home and family while his social life continued pretty much uninterrupted. There are so many things that we used to enjoy together that we no longer do, or he now enjoys with other people because I need to be at home. There was a time that we made an effort to enjoy evenings alone after the kids were in bed, have lunch dates at least once a week, dinner dates a few times a month, but it’s been harder to do as the family has grown and as work (him)/life (me) has gotten busier.

Second, I was not prepared for just how much my body would age with all the babies I’ve had. I’m not even forty yet but with every passing year all my formerly perky parts keep heading further and further south. It’s not growing old that I mind, just that I miss hearing my lover tell me he thinks I’m beautiful.

Sorry, probably not what you were looking for but hey–maybe it will help some future wives and mothers somehow!!

12

No she didn’t keep him. She broke up their six-year relationship to be with me. That kinda’ tells me it wasn’t much of a relationship and she may have been looking for a way out when I came along.

And, stupid me, I forgot to comment on the OP’s initial reason for writing this thread. And that is he saw his perfect daughter. I have to admit that I think the Taiwanese kids are adorable. Expecially the little tykes, about three or four years old just beginning to walk and talk freely in public. It’s hilarious and so cute to see them trying to figure things out.

That alone makes me wish I was happily married with at least one child. :notworthy:

13

Actually I found your post quite refreshing and honest. It’s not often that we get to hear “the other side” of the story.

[quote=“braxtonhicks”]First, that as our family grew, I would be the one responsible for the home and family while his social life continued pretty much uninterrupted. There are so many things that we used to enjoy together that we no longer do, or he now enjoys with other people because I need to be at home. There was a time that we made an effort to enjoy evenings alone after the kids were in bed, have lunch dates at least once a week, dinner dates a few times a month, but it’s been harder to do as the family has grown and as work (him)/life (me) has gotten busier.

Second, I was not prepared for just how much my body would age with all the babies I’ve had. I’m not even forty yet but with every passing year all my formerly perky parts keep heading further and further south. It’s not growing old that I mind, just that I miss hearing my lover tell me he thinks I’m beautiful.[/quote]

You’ve mentioned some very interesting points. A man’s social life goes on uninterrupted while the woman goes through a lot more dramatic changes. I do keep this in the back of my head when contemplating taking the plunge with my gf. I’ll probably stay immature and selfish for at least a couple of decades to come. (:lol: j/k, but I think you get my meaning) Where she, on the other hand, will change a lot through motherhood and the arguably much heavier responsibility that comes along.

Not to say that becoming a father won’t change my life upside-down, but I think it’s a bigger change for a woman.

Do you feel you’re aptly rewarded for the transformation you’ve been through, more than your husband in any way?

I don’t have kids and maybe it shows, but I’m just curious to hear from peeps more experienced than me.

14

Well, I am a man, so I might not have the viewpoints you are looking for, however my experiences in that regard might have some value in answering the questions you are posing to Braxton Hicks.

I spit up with my former wife in 2004, a subject, which I have expounded on in detail in a few posts earlier.

We have 2 daughters, aged 4 and 7 when we entered Splitsville. (They are 7 and 10 now)

OK, initially we split the kids between us, so I had them every other weekend and 2 weekdays, and my ex wife had them the rest of the time. OK it worked out - somewhat, however especially my oldest daughter was hit a bit by it, her homework was getting worse, and my ex did not really have the resources to take care of it.

OK, last year I got them full time, IE from Sunday night to Saturday sometime. (Sometimes I have them weekends too).

I have remarried, however my current wife will often have to look after her mother, so I am alone with them a fair bit of the time.

This means that early mornings are filled with getting kids up, getting them dressed, fed, and sent off to school etc. I am back home after sending them to school a bit before 8AM.

I collect them at the Anxinban at 6PM. They will usually have made most - but not all - of their homework by them. Due to all the wonderful inventions made, it’s fairly easy to give them a decent feed in the evening, I aim to get them their veggies and meat before 7 PM, so I can spend the evenings surfing forumosa, checking their homework, teaching them Danish when I (read they) have the time to do it, get them to bed, say goodnight prayers etc.

I miss out on f.com happy hours, I will not see friends during the week, however that can be made up over the weekends. As I have a business to run, which requires me to call overseas customers, the days can be rather long, and I am tired when I go to bed.

However despite all the work, it’s really worth it. You do get to know your kids, they get to know you, and the amount of time you spend together is really giving, at least for me. My kids are doing better at school, and they seem very happy. If you asked me if I would swap with my ex wife, the answer would be a resounding NO!

To a large extent, I think it’s a matter of what values you have. If you really want to spend your energy and your time on your kids, then fine, it will be giving to you. If you are not, then it will be tough for all involved, not least the kids.

There are times where it gets a little too much. Being self-employed I would not mind being able to work late at times and sleep in the morning after, something I did before when I had those 2 AM calls to the US to make, and when I do late calls now, I am bone tired the day after. Not having to do the dishes after them every day, and not having to cook once in a while would be great too, so would it be if I did not have to handle their homework (in Chinese) all the time, however that’s the conditions and it’s something I would have a hard time to change.

So it all depends. The perfect situation would be that there was a father and a mother together in the house sharing everything kid related, however that’s not always possible. I for one am bloody impossible when it comes to take care of a say 6-8 month old baby without a backup system (read mother) in place.

The only thing I really miss is that back when I only had them part time, I could take them places on “my” weekends, we went on a few camping trips and drives and the like. However, being there for them every day is extremely giving, and I am willing to go to extreme lengths to make sure that it continues. (In agreemend with their mother, that is).

While this might not answer your question as perfectly as Braxton Hicks would do, then it hopefully gives an alternative viewpoint on it.

15

My wife is seven years older than me and has two kids from a previous marriage. I joke that she decided to take on another child, so now she has three kids. She’s almost a decade older than me, but you would never know that she has had two kids. When I married her, she hardly had any fat on her at all. My poor diet habits (e.g love of French cheese and all forms of Mexican food) have added a little insulation to her frame, but I would love her no matter what type of figure she had.

She does most of the work for the kids (helping with their homework, cooking, washing etc.). I tend to only get involved with the parenting when the kids are giving their mother trouble. They fear my shouting more than their mothers–that’s for sure. For me parenting was hard at first because I had to immediately change from a batchelors lifestyle. Furthermore, I was brought up in a pretty unconventional way (by two liberal academics), and my wife is quite traditional minded with a lot of common sense. In many ways, we’re polar opposites.

When it all gets too much noise-wise, I tend to retreat into my room for a while. Parenting is a lot of work, but it is worth it when you see your interests being adopted by your kids. For us, our trip to Spain last year and our son’s World Vision to trip to Thailand this CNY were pretty exciting for me. To see the kids grow and their interests broaden–it makes it all worth it.

16

I’ve been with my gal for 13 years, we have a 7 year old daughter and 4 year old son. I feel that one of the main ingredients not yet mentioned to maintain a successful long term relationship (with all of the stresses involved in having a family, running a business etc) is to keep maturing and moving with life as life moves forward. We met when we were in our 20’s and I’m now into my 40’s. Something is amiss if your priorities and expectations from life don’t change. And I suspect this is at the root of the OP’s thoughts and feelings - perhaps it is just time to move on!

17

[quote=“JohnnyT”]On Saturday night my girlfirend had a friend over and she brought her kid along. Girl’s local and her hub is Swedish. The little girl… I cannot explain…

I have never been into kids and never wanted one ever, hence not being able to commit or need marriage, but this week-end past, I would gladly offer dadhood, if my daughter could be as perfect as her. Many are probably very familiar with what I just went through, but bear in mind I’m also the one who started a thread on commintment inabilities. [/quote]
I’ve never even comtemplated looking at anyone else’s child, and almost being inspired to leap without looking into the vast mass morass that is daddyhood. Maybe i just haven’t been around enough sweet precious angelic younglings, but it seems a tad projectionist to want to be a dad by watching some other’s loinage in action. Were you a lemming in a past life?

That’s great, if your heart is really in it. Yet beware the ogre of overcompensation.

I’ve been married almost 8 years.
Least prepared for?
Aside from this question, I would have to say that it was seeing different attitudes to time/money issues, especially the division between work & time spent with the kids, especially in the under 5 bracket.
Also, I must, as a male, say that a woman’s perogatives will change exponentially once she’s had kids. I suppose it’s only natural, yet I only wish they would be a little more honest about it.
In both marriage and war, honesty is the first casualty.