Advice given to me by most classmates (males): “Don’t marry. Those girls out there look sweet, nice, not very intelligent, tame change a lot after the wedding. The married woman becomes a real shrew and will take control of everything”.
So lately I’ve been thinking about this issue. My GF wants us to take some “mock” wedding pictures, done by special photographers, and tools (photoshop, I think) that erase every visible wrinkle or spot from the faces. This is worse than taking me to choose the china and home furnitures. I just want to date her for now. Probably date her for another 5 years and then decide about marriage. Two years of dating doesn’t seem enough for me to take THE big step.
Yes, they do.
Basically, once you agree to having photos done, it’s a slippery slope. A year later you’ll be married. That’s the way it works. Trust me on this.
FWIW, I suggest:
- Think hard about whether you want to get married. At all. Your views might change later, but think about what you want now.
- Assuming this gf won’t change after the papers are signed, do you think she’s Ms Right material? Or is she just a convenient pillow dictionary? If the latter, it’s not fair to monopolise her if she’s one of those people who thinks marriage is the be-all and end-all of life.
- Marriage, under Taiwan law, places an awful lot of power into the hands of people who really shouldn’t have it, and more often than not it’s the woman who exploits that power if/when things go wrong. IMO, a relationship should not be based on the fact that nobody is allowed to leave.
- Have a frank conversation about why she wants to get married, and why you might want to get married. Family pressure? Cultural expectations? Kids? If she can actually have this conversation like a grown-up, that’s a good sign. If she starts ranting and crying, that’s not a good basis for a marriage.
btw, I was being flippant about the “yes they do” bit. The ones who change are the ones who think you will leave them unless the government prevents you from doing so. There’s also a subset of women who think they have to whip the husband into line, because … well, that’s what their mother did, and that’s what grandma did. Humans are not very good at thinking stuff through for themselves. Have a look at the gf’s dad, and ask yourself if you’d want to be him in 20 years’ time.
Based on your STD thread, I’d have figured you’d been dating 2 weeks, not 2 years already. 
I’d forgotten about that. It sounds like your situation might be more … complicated than you’re letting on.
[quote=“robert the bruce”]Advice given to me by most classmates (males): “Don’t marry. Those girls out there look sweet, nice, not very intelligent, tame change a lot after the wedding. The married woman becomes a real shrew and will take control of everything”.
So lately I’ve been thinking about this issue. My GF wants us to take some “mock” wedding pictures, done by special photographers, and tools (photoshop, I think) that erase every visible wrinkle or spot from the faces. This is worse than taking me to choose the china and home furnitures. I just want to date her for now. Probably date her for another 5 years and then decide about marriage. Two years of dating doesn’t seem enough for me to take THE big step.[/quote]
No, dear, people de not “change”. They let their true self be shown.
And yes, I’ve seen that syndrome time and time again, especially with foreign guys. The person they thought was a mild mannered, sex kitten, turns into a tigresss, all claws and controlling. But by that time most are married with children, and unable to escape due to visa issues. When they realize they’ve been had, and try to wiggle out… they are given the boot.
How to avoid this? Marry someone you can communicate with, someone who disagrees with you, someone you know well. A friend and a lover. Sometimes you do what a friend plans to do, because it may be an exciting adventure. Sometime syou take teh initiative and do the planning. But you do not let a friend make every decision. You give each other space. How do you feel when you are with her? If you feel a tight knot somewhere delicate, that’s a problem. Only you know.
Good grief.
And to think of all the flack I took for suggesting that, in Asia, it’s hard to find a descent white male who respects women. God forbid I make such untrue, unfair and unflattering generalizations!
I do hope, for her sake, that you decide not to get married… you and all of your male classmates.
…
…
…OK Forumosa, do your worst.
Don’t get hitched until you are both SURE . Marriage must not be a “maybe”.
Based on your STD thread, I’d have figured you’d been dating 2 weeks, not 2 years already. [/quote]
I met her for the first time two years ago. Her sister was dating one of my classmates and asked me if I could “tutor” her sister (my GF). So I met her every Saturday to teach English conversation. She was paying me for the services back then. One day she told me that she wanted me as a boyfriend, so it was not fair to charge her anymore. So we started to date. Now she has the “Marriage” idea growing inside her (probably one of the photographers is trying to sell the services and help her to put a rope around my neck), serve both purposes very well (his and hers). I’m not in a hurry to get married. I’m still a starving student, I have some funds for my study and do some tutoring in my free time to get by. She is a hotel receptionist, trying to improve her English to advance her career. We are both 23 years-old. I read some posts and I thought that most TW women were not interested in marriage until reaching their 30’s. I’m really going to tell her to wait 5 more years before walking down the altar. We might take the pictures but I’m not going to get married that soon. I just hope that her family will not put pressure on her. I should actually tell her family that I am a poor student.
Question:
Why would you agree to taking the pictures? Don’t you think that might send a mixed message?
Telling her family you have no money will not be much use. If you are expecting them to bail you out, I don’t think so. On the contrary, they will realize they have you in their lap.
In this relationship, it seems she’s got the power, she’s calling all the shots, she’s in the driver’s seat. If that is the way you want it, fine. But do not say later you had your eyes closed/did not notice. She can always pull a fast one tomorrow and have you married before Christmas. You know what I am talking about.
LaFaye, I’ve heard the same bit from Taiwanese guys, not only furriners. When a relationship becomes a power struggle, it blends all borders. However, the foreigner, since he does not have a support system here, both in family or legally, is in the worst position to fight the power struggle.
Why would any of you date, let alone consider marrying, a girl who fits that description? :loco:
Smart with a bit of a wild side has always been much more appealing to me. Keep things interesting! 
(I’m serious though.)
Based on your STD thread, I’d have figured you’d been dating 2 weeks, not 2 years already. [/quote]
I remember calling BS on that thread too, on a post that got axed 
Good grief, OP. This is the girl who is very liberated and has had lots of previous … encounters, and it’s taken you two years to get her into the sack? You either have the patience of a saint, or she’s playing you like Johnny played that fiddle.
forumosa.com/taiwan/viewtopi … n#p1477070
I was just her English tutor before being her boyfriend. I heard from many men that they know at once their future wife when they see the woman for the first time. I never had that interesting feeling for any woman I met in the past or now with my GF. I like her, sometimes I don’t, I don’t know if I love her that much to last for years, if I am ready to get hitched to her. I am trying to give a chance to the relationship to grow stronger inside me, enough for me to feel secure in marrying her. She tried to get closer (way closer) but I couldn’t do it. Now she wants wedding pictures. She seems quite in a hurry to get married. But it is going to be a problem if I accept to go and have these pictures taken, and later break up with her. But dating was supposed to be a time to test the relationship and see if we want to make it permanent. I don’t want her family or her to think that dating will incur automatically in marriage. My GF and her sister seem to be placing a bet to see which one of them are going to get married first and not be dumped. My classmate is not in a hurry either. If I have the pictures taken, my GF will feel superior to her sister somehow. But it will be hell on earth if I don’t marry her at once after these pictures, she will lose face.
Don’t do it. Don’t take pictures, and don’t commit any further to her. It is very clear from what you’ve said that it will only lead to regret for both of you. Take your time and find yourself a girl you really, truly like without the kind of reservations that you have expressed. You’ll know her when you find her. Until then, just date around casually. You’re still really young!
[quote=“Icon”][quote=“robert the bruce”]Advice given to me by most classmates (males): “Don’t marry. Those girls out there look sweet, nice, not very intelligent, tame change a lot after the wedding. The married woman becomes a real shrew and will take control of everything”.
So lately I’ve been thinking about this issue. My GF wants us to take some “mock” wedding pictures, done by special photographers, and tools (photoshop, I think) that erase every visible wrinkle or spot from the faces. This is worse than taking me to choose the china and home furnitures. I just want to date her for now. Probably date her for another 5 years and then decide about marriage. Two years of dating doesn’t seem enough for me to take THE big step.[/quote]
No, dear, people de not “change”. They let their true self be shown.[/quote]
Really spending time on getting to know people well before you commit is beyond important. Trust me, I speak from oodles of experience I rather be without.
[quote=“Mr He”][quote=“Icon”][quote=“robert the bruce”]Advice given to me by most classmates (males): “Don’t marry. Those girls out there look sweet, nice, not very intelligent, tame change a lot after the wedding. The married woman becomes a real shrew and will take control of everything”.
So lately I’ve been thinking about this issue. My GF wants us to take some “mock” wedding pictures, done by special photographers, and tools (photoshop, I think) that erase every visible wrinkle or spot from the faces. This is worse than taking me to choose the china and home furnitures. I just want to date her for now. Probably date her for another 5 years and then decide about marriage. Two years of dating doesn’t seem enough for me to take THE big step.[/quote]
No, dear, people de not “change”. They let their true self be shown.[/quote]
[/quote]
+1
Is this really that difficult to figure out? For the love of God don’t take wedding photos.
…
And furthermore, if you care at all about this girl’s feelings, you should be totally straight up about yours.
You don’t want to get married for another 5 years? Tell her. You’re not sure that you’ll ever want to marry her? Be honest about that too. …And while you’re at it, you may want to throw in the facts that you only like her 50% of the time, and think she’s tame and lacks intelligence. 
Indeed, so have I (minus the unintelligent bit)… though the proportions are a little different. The remark was tongue-in-cheek, mainly as an attempt to point out a double standard… And… I must admit, I was curious to see whether our young, misguided Romeo would change his tune or double-down on this misogynistic statement.
[quote]Why would any of you date, let alone consider marrying, a girl who fits that description?
Smart with a bit of a wild side has always been much more appealing to me. Keep things interesting![/quote]
At long last, a voice of reason. Bravo, Rotalstart.
[quote=“finley”]Good grief, OP. This is the girl who is very liberated and has had lots of previous … encounters, and it’s taken you two years to get her into the sack? You either have the patience of a saint, or she’s playing you like Johnny played that fiddle.
forumosa.com/taiwan/viewtopi … n#p1477070[/quote]
+1. There’s no way I could be with a hot 23-year-old for any length of time without putting her sexual liberation to the test.
But I can’t deny that it’s really fun to read about all your issues with this girl. It’s like Forumosa’s own soap opera!
Watch out for those hotel receptionists. All they want to do is get married. 
But honestly, it sounds like she needs to pick someone else at this stage.
[quote=“LaFaye”]Is this really that difficult to figure out? For the love of God don’t take wedding photos.
…
And furthermore, if you care at all about this girl’s feelings, you should be totally straight up about yours.
You don’t want to get married for another 5 years? Tell her. You’re not sure that you’ll ever want to marry her? Be honest about that too. …And while you’re at it, you may want to throw in the facts that you only like her 50% of the time, and think she’s tame and lacks intelligence. :p[/quote]
I told her many times. Does she believe? No! She really thinks that she can change me.
She never took me to a jewellery shop and told me that she wanted to get married. She took me to see a photographer and told me that we could be a cute couple, have our wedding pictures taken. But for me this is smelling more like a plot to pressure me into proposing. I’m not ready yet. Romeo was ready, desperate, I’m not there yet. I told her in the shop (again) that I wanted to wait 5 years to decide, now she is angry and sulking somewhere. Can a man be honest with the GF? I try to be, she doesn’t believe, she tries another tactic to change my mind, this is also killing my trust on her. She told me that she is totally emancipated but now she is trying to get me to commit and walk down the aisle.