Housecat, if I were in your shoes, I would plan to finish my year in Taiwan, while at the same time putting together my applications for schools in Hong Kong or other cities in the region. As you have described here before, you are a single mother with nobody to fall back on, and you aren’t sitting on a big wad of cash, either. You have reared your boy on your own dime, and you are in a foreign country. No decent, sane person or people would ask a person in your situation for money. I agree with what others have said above. These people are nuts and may be nutty enough to do something irrational. Please don’t let your boy be alone with any of them.
[quote=“Mr He”]As long as housecat stays alive, custody should be settled for good. The only one able to try and overturn that would be the father, which is not the least interested, or so it seems.
The family can huff and puff and ask for money, they are better ignored and avoided.[/quote]
To me the bigger worry is the ex-in-laws doing something irrational, in spite of the law, that would be financially and emotionally stressful for Housecat.
[quote=“Jive Turkey”][quote=“Mr He”]As long as housecat stays alive, custody should be settled for good. The only one able to try and overturn that would be the father, which is not the least interested, or so it seems.
The family can huff and puff and ask for money, they are better ignored and avoided.[/quote]
To me the bigger worry is the ex-in-laws doing something irrational, in spite of the law, that would be financially and emotionally stressful for Housecat.[/quote]
Well, I would not leave Taiwan if I were her, however I would get myself away from them.
[quote=“housecat”]Off to work now, but the divorce and custody I have were all a matter of my ex’s doing. He divorced me, with no input from me, though I did try to be involved in the process. Anyway, I was in the States at the time. Custody is granted to me. There is no mention of visitation. Child support is a pittiance, but is never paid. It’s the non-payment of this support that I feel / felt? like bought me a bit of security, as if I ask for it, it will the sum of support for my child’s entire childhood is due at once. So if they don’t want to pay up, they have to stay off my back. Or at least the ex himself.
I’m just so shocked at the behavior of the rest of them. From talking to his uncle, who was also ticked off at me, it seems, I feel like they sat there together and had a good gripe about me. But I can’t really say.
Picking up sticks and moving is drastic. I’d like to stay the year out, of couse, and just avoid them. Then I don’t mind so much moving after that. But–I guess I need to find out, like Jaboney said, if it’s possible that I could have to battle the FAMILY for custody. Can anyone here help with that?
This is really, really, tragic, though and I haven’t slept well for the past couple nights trying to work it out. And it’s not just that he won’t know well this side of the family, but I just don’t really HAVE family of my own much. My whole life, of course, has been like that, but since I’ve been a single mom, it gets scarry sometimes.
Plus, the way I ususally deal with stuff is to overthink as much as possible and try to anticipate as much as I can. I really didn’t see this. I totally underestimated these people.[/quote]
In the US custody courts (btdt) family members outside the parents have no legal standing UNLESS both parents are dead and there’s no will that states a care plan for the child(ren) and/or desired custodians for same. If there is such a will, even if those custodians are NOT blood relatives, family courts will typically honor the will unless there are serious issues.
As for Taiwan, I haven’t a clue… but I would wonder about that, and would act carefully. Family might have more rights here than they do in the US. Time to consult a lawyer, if not lawyer up for real, I’d say.
Why not just look for a job in Taipei? Chances are, they’ll only find you if you want them to find you. Other than that, why not just tell them you haven’t got any money to spare.
I may look for work in Taipei later, but don’t want to leave my current until it’s up if I don’t have to. Anyway, Taipei is where the wealthy, government connected, uncle lives when he’s in Taiwan. I know, it’s a big ciy and all that.
I’ve told them I don’t have money to give them. The point is that the asking is an insult of some kind, but I don’t know what it’s about or what the point is in keeping it up. And I just can’t keep giving them access to my son if they will talk about/to, think about me in this way.
I had someone look at my documents today and found out that I have an incomplete divorce decree! It’s complete as translated in English, but there are “reasons” for the decisions that no one botherd to translate for me. However, it is very clear in Chinese, and in English, that my son belongs only to me, and that I am the one who should be asking for the money I’m owed for support.
At this point, it looks like I’m going to just try to cut off communication with them and bide my time before moving on to Taipei, or points farther.
Y’know, the fact that you haven’t been screaming for your child support money probably makes these in-laws think you are filthy stinking rich, because that is the only reason they wouldn’t be demanding that money, if they were in your position.
One of the best ways to get rid of someone you don’t like is to lend them money you know they can’t return. Start asking for your child support and they will probably stop answering their phones. 
I would not stay in Taiwan if I were HC.
I say this as someone who would rather live in Taiwan than anywhere else. But as a foreigner, there will NEVER be anything approaching equal protection under the law in Taiwan – even assuming the law were written clearly and applied evenhandedly and consistently.
Hong Kong. Or the States – in a different area, not the deep South, fer Gawd’s sake!! There are lots of places where you could get a teaching job that would pay a living wage and where you would not be surrounded by banjo players. Do it as quickly as possible.
You can always make more money; you may find it difficult to get your child back, or find that you don’t like what the relatives have done to him in the intervening time, if they decide to make a move for him (perhaps only in hopes of getting money out of the “rich” American relative). I may be overthinking this as well, but there are some things in life in which you can’t be too careful, and IMO this is one of them.
Many have. I know several expats who won custody of their kids in the courts here. Not everybody had to go to court to sort things out but housecat has done that already.
I had my son living with me up in Alishan and sometimes he would stay with his grandparents in Taichung on a weekend. His uncles live in the same house as well.
I think you all are a bit paranoid about her letting her child visit relatives. Housecat just needs to be firm and lay down a few rules about who is the mother raising the child. She may need to take a break but also it’s obvious she would like her child to know relatives. Nothing wrong with that.
She can also simply state she doesn’t have money to lend as she is a single mother raising her family. Nothing wrong with the truth.
I would just say that I’m a single parent and not getting any help from the father, so need to spend the little money you have on your son and his future.
First, I want to say that I’m sorry to hear about this, housecat.
I would imagine that the responses you are getting here must be more confusing than anything else. The recommendations range from just ignoring the harassment to moving out of the country. 
I’m not sure where I stand on that scale, but it’s obvious that ironlady’s recommendations are the safest. I don’t think we can really understand the extent of your situation by just reading this thread so I’m reluctant to suggest a course of action. One thing is certain. You need to deal with this situation very pragmatically.
Whatever you choose to do, keep your calm and stay strong. I admire your dedication to do what is best for the boy and I have a very strong suspicion that he is in good hands no matter what. 
Sage words from RobInTaiwan. 
However, I don’t ascribe to the logic of you needing to flee that has been recommended by other posters. Stand your ground. You have friends for moral support, and IMO those cretins that harass you don’t have a legal leg to stand on. Keep the Housekitten away from those nasty people. Nothing to be gained from proximity to them. Leeches, one and all. Better now than later. Don’t allow those ingrates make you disappear. You want you and The Kitten to live in Taiwan. Fuck 'em. Don’t have your future dictated to you by parasites.
Agreed. There’s always the possibility of moving to another city in Taiwan where his family DOESN’T have a lot of pull when the contract is up, as well. Do you think it’s possibly that your ex would come back to help his family (in the event that custody is what they seek) just to hurt you, or are they estranged?
Clearly, Taiwan is where you want to be. It might be worth hiring a lawyer just so you know exactly where you stand re. custody, just for your peace of mind. (Unfortunately, peace of mind doesn’t always come cheaply these days…)
Hang in there. The universe is looking after you.
Thanks for the kind words and further support.
-
When I posted this in the first place, I was kinda more asking if this asking for money thing was some kind of curtural insult that I’m unaware of. It seems that it’s not, it’s personal, I just don’t understand it. I’m supposed to be a mind reader, I guess.
-
One other, small, puzzle was solved for me yesterday. When I first came here, I of course forbade anyone to take my son on a scooter. I knew he’d end up on a scooter sooner or later if we lived in Taiwan, but I wasn’t ready for that. Now, when I have to, I take him with me on a scooter sometimes. This is because I refused this aunt’s offer to take one of her cars.
But every time she learns that I plan to have him on a scooter–ie, I go pick him up after he’s been out with her, she makes her stinky face. I never understood it, or what it was about, until yesterday when my son told me that when SHE takes him on a scooter, she does’t make the square turns. She was just pissed because she thought I had different rules for her than for me. And damn straight–the woman’s driving is terrifying!
- The trouble is, I’m very much of the same thinking as Ironlady, just lothe to move again. I really, really want to see this contract out. If I let someone run me from one place to another, I’ll never get anywhere! For now, the ex is not in the country. I don’t know if he would try to come here and cause trouble or not. I was up last night thinking about it again. Before I came here, I had nightmares for YEARS about just that. One of the reasons I came back was because the nightmares had ended.
He is estranged from MOST of his family, but he still talks to that rich uncle and to his father, I imagine.
And like Ironlady, I’d really like to live here. But I guess I don’t mind living some place else later. I still have lots of good places on my “to explore” list. I just want to stay the year out. Less than a year, really. We’ll see if I can make it.
Also, I do plan on consulting a lawyer. The person who looked over my things yesterday isn’t a lawyer, but seems to think that it doesn’t matter where I live in the world, I can still collect the childsupport from my husband or his family. If I have to leave Taiwan to have any peace, then I think I’ll leave and have a wad of cash to take with me. Maybe. If I’m going to forced out, then I may as well make them pay up. I was doing the math yesterday and, hell, I could buy a house.
If you just state to them clearly “sure, housekitten can go to any occasion we are both invited to”, would that solve a lot of these issues? (them treating him in a manner you don’t like, talking about you in front of him, not having to go to the majority of these outings cause they don’t actually want you there) Kind of a roundabout way to say f-you, I’m not having any of this crap y’all are trying to pull off.
Though it does take a much greater time investment on your part, it offers added insurance.
Now, once a lawyer told me that changing custody here is a major drag, IE the one party will have to show that the other party is unfit for parenting basically. Moreover, your former husband signed the divorce willingly, and that’s also something a judge should take into account. I would not worry about losing custody. They might try abduction and what have you not, however the law should be at your side. Your situation is very different from that of the grandmother of Irian Ergui, you are his mother for starters.
If I were you, I would do the following:
- Make clear that your son only goes when you are invited as well.
- Talk to a lawyer.
- Tell them that you need child support from them, after all you are a single mother. Whenever they contact you, remind them about that.
The most high profile child custody case involving a bi-racial child was Iruan Wu. His mother was Brazilian and his father was Taiwanese. Mother and father both died and the child was raised in Brazil. Taiwanese relatives brought him to Taiwan for a visit and decided they wanted him to stay. The courts here determined the grandmother in Brazil had legal custody and ordered the child returned. The family refused and the police, yes the Taiwanese police, had to go and take him away and put him on a flight back to Brazil. The relatives tried to prevent this but the police did their job.
news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/3478415.stm
Now god forbid anything this dramatic and traumatic should happen to HC and HK, but this shows clearly that the courts will uphold the law and the police will enforce it even when it involved taking a child away from local relatives. This happened in Kaohsiung by the way and a KMT legislator was helping the local family in their fight. Was this case an anomaly?
If I were HK I would register my complaints or suspicions with as many agencies as possible: your quasi embassy, the immigration police, child welfare. Make sure custody is absolutely yours and be completely blunt with your lawyer: I am a foreigner, will this be a liability in a court case.
I think it wouldn’t hurt to have someone competent look at your divorce agreement. I would not trust just ONE translation. Not here. Legal translations in Taiwan often need a number of revisions to adequately represent the original Chinese version.
In many similar instances, parents who willingly relinquish custody also request annulment of all legal responsibilities. This means that the parent who retains custody is not entitled to monetary compensation from the other party. In other words, a parent may be granted full custody, but this is often under the provision that he/she agrees to be solely responsible for the child.
[quote]I was granted custody in the divorce–basically, my ex just “gave” him to me and didn’t even ask for visitation, which is great.[/quote]This concerns me. It sounds like he didn’t want anything to do with the boy anymore, let alone having to pay child support. Are you sure your divorce contract doesn’t include such a provision? It’s very common for a parent who willingly relinquishes custody to request freedom from any further liabilities.
[quote=“RobinTaiwan”]I think it wouldn’t hurt to have someone competent look at your divorce agreement. I would not trust just ONE translation. Not here. Legal translations in Taiwan often need a number of revisions to adequately represent the original Chinese version.
In many similar instances, parents who willingly relinquish custody also request annulment of all legal responsibilities. This means that the parent who retains custody is not entitled to monetary compensation from the other party. In other words, a parent may be granted full custody, but this is often under the provision that he/she agrees to be solely responsible for the child.
In the United States at least, there is no such thing. The non-custodial parent is ALWAYS ordered to pay child support, unless the non-c parent is destitute or in prison, or the c parent is rich, or some other combination like that. Even if those things are true, the standard child support order in the US requires that the support order be reviewed every two years for any changes in circumstances of either parent or the needs of the child (such as higher-education expenses).
The state has a table for calculating standard child support and the family-court judge can deviate in either direction (higher or lower) because of extraordinary circumstances, but they won’t do it just because someone doesn’t want to be a parent anymore. It IS possible to decline to ACCEPT child support and/or alimony in order to avoid revealing one’s personal finances and living arrangements to one’s ex… but if you need the money, the ex is going to see those details.
Child support orders are filed with the state and non-payments reported to the state are chased up through garnishment of wages, unemployment and other public benefits/assistance, and/or tax refunds if there are any. I do know one person who had a boyfriend with three kids that he ran out on… and he always worked “under the table” so he didn’t have any tax-reported income, but that is pretty unusual and it’s not easy to make enough money that way to survive for most people (unless you manage to find a girlfriend who gets a disability check to sponge off of… she had abandoned her daughter on her ex as well… they really DESERVE each other… scumbags). :aiyo:
Anyway, it sounds like TomCat is better-employed and too rich for that kind of under-the-radar life, at least while he’s in the US. If HC’s divorce decree and custody arrangements had been made in the US, it would be very easy to chase him down for the money, which the state is reasonably likely to collect, with interest, eventually. Over here in Taiwan, where it sounds like the divorce was filed and took place, I have no idea how well the government enforces such things, if they even get involved at all. I suspect here HC is more likely to be out of luck.
The good news is that HC seems perfectly able to stand on her own feet. I was a single mom for five years, and honestly, in some ways, it is great. You have to remember to be your child’s parent, not their friend, but it can be a time of great flexibility, adventure, and closeness, which can all be beneficial for the kid in question.
[quote]Termination of Parental Rights–
Definition: A termination of parental rights means that the person who was the
natural parent of a child no longer has any rights or responsibilities to that child.
Rights: Rights regarding a child include the right to decide what kind of education,
health care, religion, morals and values the child should have. Custody rights and
visitation rights are also associated with children.
Responsibilities: Responsibilities include the duty to provide food, clothing and shelter for the child,
provide all necessary child support, daycare, etc.
A parent whose rights have been terminated has the same rights and responsibilities toward that child
as a complete stranger. Such a parent is not responsible for any support, nor is that parent allowed to
have any input or influence over the education, teaching and upbringing of that child. [/quote]