This is cool toccionline.com/creations/ctrla/ Sometimes you need to scroll your screen up and down to see the hidden pictures but not bad at all esp. Michael Jacksons pic.
Now, that’s more like it!
Someone (bummpy) posted this over at my forum. I think it’s rather funny. Don’t know where it originally came from though.
How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light
bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
53 to flame the spell checkers
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb” … another
6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp”
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct
156 to email the participant’s ISPs complaining that they are in violation
of their “acceptable use policy”
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs
and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
27 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs
14 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and then post the
corrected URL’s
3 to post about links they found from the URL’s that are relevant to this
group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add “Me too”
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
19 to quote the “Me too’s” to say “Me three”
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ
44 to ask what is a “FAQ” (or where is it)
4 to say “didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”
143 to say “do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs”
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would
have produced enough sound energy to heat
one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough
gas is produced to create the energy of an
atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to
the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it
starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home… maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex
by ripping the male’s head off.
(“Honey, I’m home. What the…?!”)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a
human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes… lucky pig… can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over
quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm…)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing…)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
No dear! I’m NOT buying you a pig. You already have me.
3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
Sent to me by my buddy…
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity.
[ol][li]Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things. [/li]
[li]One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor… [/li]
[li]Atheism is a non-prophet organization. [/li]
[li]If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? [/li]
[li]The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. [/li]
[li]I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,“Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. [/li]
[li]What if there were no hypothetical questions? [/li]
[li]If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? [/li]
[li]If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? [/li]
[li]Is there another word for synonym? [/li]
[li]Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?” [/li]
[li]What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? [/li]
[li]If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? [/li]
[li]Would a fly without wings be called a walk? [/li]
[li]Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? [/li]
[li]If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked? [/li]
[li]Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? [/li]
[li]If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? [/li]
[li]Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? (Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me) (I know there’s a logical explanation, but it escapes me). [/li]
[li]How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs? [/li]
[li]What was the best thing before sliced bread? [/li]
[li]One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people. [/li]
[li]Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? [/li]
[li]Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? [/li]
[li]How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!# ??? [/li]
[li]If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too? [/li]
[li]If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? [/li]
[li]If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? [/li]
[li]Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it? [/li]
[li]Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”? [/li]
[li]Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them? [/li]
[li]Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? [/li]
[li]If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented? [/li]
[li]Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?[/li][/ol]
[quote]19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
(Somebody please explain THIS ONE to me) (I know there’s a logical explanation, but it escapes me). [/quote]
My guesses:
a) Because the drive-through bank machine face plates are the same as the walk-up bank machines.
b) If a blind person in the back seat is being driven through the drive-through machine.
c) If it’s in the States, there’s probably a law that says all must have.
d) Bankers may have a sense of humor after all. Cruel, but still…
I thought this was really funny:[quote]The word “slogan” comes from the Gaelic, “sluaghghairm,” meaning war cry.[/quote]
online.wsj.com/article_print/0, … 00,00.html
I am reprinting the article here for those whose WSJ subscriptions have run out. I only quoted that part because I thought that particular line was funny.
[quote]DEJA VU
By CYNTHIA CROSSEN
Clever Lines/Make Us Crave/
Return to Days/of Burma-Shave
When it rains, it pours.
That’s every bit as true today as it was 90 years ago, when Morton adopted this slogan to sell salt. Like other trenchant lines of commercial poetry, such as “Look Ma, no cavities,” “When you got it, flaunt it” and “Good to the last drop,” Morton’s slogan has embedded itself in America’s discourse.
Some advertising slogans are so powerful that they outlast their creators, competitors and, occasionally, the product for which they were invented.
Remember the Burma-Shave slogans of the 1950s, delivered on several signs, a line at a time, along the nation’s two-lane highways? “If you think/She likes/Your bristles/Walk bare-footed/Through some thistles/Burma-Shave,” one read. Another: “My job is/keeping faces clean/And nobody knows/De stubble/I’ve seen/Burma-Shave.”
The Burma-Shave brand, an early “brushless shaving cream,” would have been long forgotten except for its immortal verse.
The earliest commercial slogans tended to be wordier than the modern staccato commands: “Just do it”; “Think small”; “Have it your way.” In Victorian England, for example, advertisers used slogans such as “Sold at prices which will bear comparison with any other store” and “Has risen into favor by its merits alone.”
An early U.S. toothpaste maker asked, “Nine out of 10 children have defective teeth – is yours one of the nine?” Makers of patent medicine lured customers with, “Make the liver do its duty” and “Better than whisky for a cold.”
Slogans became more important in the early 20th century, when the number of manufactured goods available to the general public exploded. In 1903, Pepsi promised, “Exhilarating, invigorating, aids digestion.” The next year, Coke bragged of being “a delightful, palatable, healthful beverage.”
“Say it with flowers” appeared in 1917, and four years later, Listerine threatened young women with the prospect of being, “Always a bridesmaid, but never a bride.” In 1926, the coffee company Alexander Balart punned, “Without grounds for complaint.”
For products that were otherwise similar except for their brand names, a vivid slogan was essential. Camel cigarettes came up with these two now unimaginable slogans: “More doctors smoke Camels than any other cigarette” and “I’d walk a mile for a Camel.” Bonded Tobacco Co. boasted it was “Making smoking ‘safe’ for smokers,” while Old Gold pledged, “Not a cough in a carload.”
Timothy R.V. Foster, founder of Adslogans, a London consulting firm, has collected more than 100,000 advertising slogans from around the world, dating back to the 1920s. Several years ago, Mr. Foster, who learned marketing at Procter & Gamble and Merrill Lynch, became annoyed by the "banality of the average corporate slogan – you know, ‘total quality through excellence’ or ‘excellence through total quality’ or ‘where quality counts.’ "
Mr. Foster’s slogan Hall of Fame cites many that use the brand name – “Nothing runs like a Deere,” or “You’ll wonder where the yellow went when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.” Exceptions abound, however, such as “Breakfast of champions,” “Where the beef?” and “We try harder.”
Advertising slogans are, for better and worse, often set to music. Some jingles (Doublemint, Campbell’s, Oscar Mayer) stick in the brain long after more useful material has slipped away. “In the valley of the jolly, ho-ho-ho, Green Giant,” was a snappy tune, as was the Chiquita banana song, which first appeared in 1944. At its peak, the Chiquita song was played more than 350 times a day on American radio stations. The lyrics have been rewritten several times, and the changes reflect Americans’ improved understanding of bananas.
The original song ended, “But bananas like the climate of the very, very tropical equator – so you should never put bananas in the refrigerator.” Today, the final lines of the song are, “They’re a gift from Mother Nature and a natural addition to your table – for wholesome, healthy, pure bananas, look for Chiquita’s label!”
Like banana sellers, political candidates have long used slogans to market themselves. The word “slogan” comes from the Gaelic, “sluaghghairm,” meaning war cry.
In 1884, Grover Cleveland’s campaign taunted his opponent, James Blaine, with the rhyming, “Blaine, Blaine, James G. Blaine, the continental liar from the state of Maine.” Warren Harding captured the presidency in 1920 with the dull slogan, “Return to normalcy.” A Jimmy Carter slogan was “Not Just Peanuts,” and the first George Bush taught many people around the world to read lips.
Because most slogans are tested before they’re unleashed on the general public, the losers usually die on the drawing table. But some people may think “Subaru: Inexpensive and built to stay that way” doesn’t give the assurance a car buyer wants. Spree candy promises “a kick in the mouth,” which isn’t always a good thing. And you have to wonder about the efficacy of this slogan for a travel agency: “Go away.”
E-mail comments to cynthia.crossen@wsj.com4
URL for this article:
online.wsj.com/article/0,SB1061 … 00,00.html
Hyperlinks in this Article:
(1) wsj.com/mediaandmarketing
(2) wsj.com/media
(3) online.wsj.com/user-cgi-bin/sear … dmarketing
(4) mailto:cynthia.crossen@wsj.com
Updated August 20, 2003[/quote]
[flash width=250 height=250 loop=false]http://www.bordergatewayprotocol.net/~jon/humor/web_animations/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf[/flash]
Fun Things To Do On a Date
Warning: Actually doing any of the following will absolutely,
positively guarantee that your date will run quickly away from
you screaming something about you being completely insane…
-
Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice.
-
Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their
reactions. -
Repeat every third third word you say say.
-
Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
-
Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your
arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds. -
Order a bucket of lard.
-
Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well
in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths. -
Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date
begins talking about himself/herself. -
When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live
food. -
Without asking, eat off of your date’s plate. Eat more from
their plate than they do. -
Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their
plates. -
Drool.
-
Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and
spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick
up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, “I’m all about
conservation.” -
Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head
waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part
of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally
finds you, ask him/her “What took you so long in the
bathroom?!” -
Beg your date to tattoo your name on their forearm. Keep
bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal. -
Refuse to communicate in anything but mime for the entire
evening. -
Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food,
hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for
the potato you “never got”. When the waiter returns with
another potato, have the first one back on your plate. Watch
the waiter’s face. -
Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
-
Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces.
In a similar manner, insist that he take a bite of everything
to make sure no one has poisoned your food. -
Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
Toe Save,
That’s funny. Reminds me of the stupid shit my buddies and I used to do when we were 16 years old. One thing that used to make us laugh was riding around in the car in the Summer with the windows closed and the heater on as high as it would go. Then we’d look for hitch hikers. The hitch hikers would see us coming up and pulling over with windows closed and expect to be getting into a cool air conditioned ride. Imagine his initial surprise, and then his confusion, as we pretended that there was nothing strange going on. We’d offer to take them anywhere they wanted to go, but the hitch hikers usually declined our offer.
We used to go to the laundramats and take turns spinning inside the dryers. Ever do that?
Tig, your days of fitting inside a dryer, even if it is industrial-sized, are long gone. Sadly, mine are too.
Toesave: OK, circling the table making aeroplane noises is just stupid, but what’s wrong with the other points? I don’t get it.
Things Not To Do On A Date
Don’t go for young girls, this is obvious. No matter how cute or sexy they are, forget it. If you want a fling ok, if you want long term, move on to someone more mature.
Don’t do the Internet dating thing. You’re left to the mercy of #1 the dating service company #2 the girls who check out your ad and #3 there is no challenge in this kind of thing, you don’t learn anything significant about yourself or about someone else, and finally #4 you’re paying your money to these companies that take advantage of your loneliness! In fact, avoid the whole “personal ad” gimcrack. Why? -Because most women on these personal ads are society’s leftovers. They are either really old or have problems or been divorced 5 times or horridly unattractive, plainly put, they’re women that are waiting to burden their problems onto you. So be warned. Frankly, I am repulsively astonished at how these dating services get so popular these days.
Don’t talk about your previous relationships. And if you must talk about it, do so to the effect that you are happy that you’ve moved on and got rid of them.
Don’t apologize for anything. Ah this is a really subtle one. Some guys say “sorry this” and “sorry that” all the time as if they think they’re being sensitive as if this might impress the girl. Don’t do that. She would only think you’re a weakling. In fact, don’t even use the word “sorry” in your conversations with her. Example, if you accidentally kicked her foot say something like, “hey what’s that doing there, trying to trip me?” give her a smile and continue with the conversation. Unless you really f**ked it up, otherwise don’t apologize for anything.
Don’t use credit card-bust out the CASH! Yeah! Save the credit card for something else. When you take her out to dinner and the bill arrives, smack down that BIGT FAT $100 bill on the plate without even looking at the bill. That will kill her right that. Try to do this with some character and flare and don’t be cheeky or silly. And always remember to leave tip, don’t be excessive, but show respect to those who served you.
Don’t keep buying her drinks. Buy her 3 drinks at most, and if she wants more she should buy it herself or buy it for you in return. And when you detect that she’s getting a bit tipsy or drunk even don’t just to take advantage of her right there. That’s foolish to do. Tell her that she’s drunk and should stop drinking. She will of course say that’s not true, she’s not drunk. Act really concerned and don’t show your wiggling little tail coming out of their pants! Say that you ought to take her home and ask where she lives. Then she’ll say, “I don’t wanna go home”. Tell her you really think she needs some fresh air and take her outside to your CAR of course. But if she says, “yes I think I better go home.” Then you offer to drive her since she’s drunk and all. And the rest, if you can’t that figure out?well that’s too bad.
Never ever tell a woman that you “love her”, before you kissed her, or before you had sex with her. That is a deadly mistake. You want to stretch the suspense as long as possible because it is exactly what she wants to hear. The more you hold off the more likely she’ll stick around to get it out of you. You can hint at it and say around these flowery words to point at it but don’t ever say that 3 words, it’s like the signature sign by your own blood on the contact to the devil for your soul.
Finally, during a conversation with a girl and she keeps asking which girl do you like and she starts to list and name all these women out to you, get up and say good-bye and leave her the bill to pay. If a woman likes you she won’t “direct” your attention to someone else, especially some other woman. This is another one of their subtle subterfuges. You might think that she’s only trying to get an understanding of what kind of woman you like, no no no, my good friends. If she’s seriously interested in you she’ll ask you plainly something like, “so what qualities about a woman do you look for?” And not, “do you like Melissa, do you think Lisa’s hot, what do you think about Jessica, etc, etc”. Differentiate between this subtlety and you’ll do fine friends.
Contributed by Odi Jin ( odijin@datingclass.com )
Worst Valentine’s Pick-Up Lines
Do you find duct tape erotic?
Want to smoke some crack and hump until noon tomorrow?
Should I call you in the morning, or just nudge you?
Hey baby… you got any diseases? Want some?
If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
I’ve been saving my virginity for 30 years for someone like you.
You know, if I cut your arms off you’d look just like the Venus de Milo.
Aren’t you the one I used to throw dog shit at when we were kids?
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
You may not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is but a light switch away!
Is that a mirror in your pocket, because I can see myself in your pants.
Don’t let this 60 inch waist fool you, i’m a good mover!
What’s a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?
Wow, great set of legs - what time do they open?
I’m not actually this tall. I’m sitting on my wallet.
So…you’re a girl huh?
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn’t mean much when you have a weak heart.
Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow-job? No? Want to do lunch then?
Do you know how to use a whip?
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
You know you have spanner eyes, they’re screwing my nuts up.
and one more for the road…
Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents’ House
- Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.
- Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.
- Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.
- Mention that ‘Mr Happy’ is primed and ready.
- Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.
- Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.
- Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.
- Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.
- Pretend to eat your arm.
- Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.