# Funny Stuff (but not jokes, per se)

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

[quote=“One student, however,”]"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over…

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “…it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her, then #2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over."[/quote]

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY “A.”

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? Probably the people who go to oriented Happy hours

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

Here’s a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far ass kissing will take you.
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7= 127%

:mrgreen: Stages of life - Male VS Female

Age - Drink

17 - beer
25 - beer
35 - vodka
48 - double vodka
66 - Maalox

Seduction Line

17 - My parents are away for the weekend.
25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 - My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 - My wife is away for the weekend.
66 - My second wife is dead.

Favorite Sport

17 - sx
25 - s
x
35 - sx
48 - s
x
66 - napping

Definition Of A Successful Date

17 - “tongue”
25 - “breakfast”
35 - “She didn’t set back my therapy.”
48 - “I didn’t have to meet her kids.”
66 - “Got home alive.”

Favorite Fantasy

17 - getting to third
25 - airplane s*x
35 - menage a trois
48 - taking the company public
66 - Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

House Pet

17 - roaches
25 - stoned-out college roommate
35 - Irish setter
48 - children from his first marriage
66 - Barbi

What’s The Ideal Age To Get Married?

17 - 25
25 - 35
35 - 48
48 - 66
66 - 17

Ideal Date

17 - Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 - “Split the check before we go back to my place”
35 - “Just come over.”
48 - “Just come over and cook.”
66 - s*x in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

Age - Drink

17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

Excuses For Refusing Dates

17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to color my hair
48 - Need to have Francois color my hair
66 - Need to have Francois color my wig

Favorite Sport

17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping

Definition Of A Successful Date

17 - “Burger King”
25 - “Free meal”
35 - “A diamond”
48 - “A bigger diamond”
66 - “Home Alone”

Favorite Fantasy

17 - tall, dark and handsome
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 - a man with hair
66 - a man

House Pet

17 - Muffy the cat
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 - Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the
Cat
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs
Muffy the Cat

What’s The Ideal Age To Get Married?

17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66

Ideal Date

17 - He offers to pay.
25 - He pays.
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning.
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids.
66 - He can chew breakfast.

SUMMER CLASSES FOR GUYS

How to Fill-Up the Ice Cube Trays.
Step by Step, … with Slide Presentation.

The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.

Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the
Seat and Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?

Group Practice.

Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into the Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.

Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Helpline Support and Support Groups.

Learning How to Find Things.
Looking in the Right Places Instead of Turning the House

Upside Down While Screaming. Open Forum.

Bringing her Flowers is Not Harmful to Your Health.
Graphics and Audio tapes.

Real Men ask for Directions When Lost.
Real Life Testimonials.

Is it Possible to Sit Quietly While she Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.

Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and Role-Playing.

How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion.
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.

How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy.
Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other
Important Dates, & Calling When You’re Going to be Late.

Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.

The Stove/Oven.
What it is, … and How it’s Used. Live Demonstration.

** Upon completion of the courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**

Diarrhea runs in my family.

This is the oldest I’ve ever been.

Not for the pure-minded out there (are there any of you?)…

A koala bear decides to take a walk through the red-light district one night and spots a sign that said “prostitute” with a hooker leaning against it.
“Pro-sti-tute…hey, lady. What’s a prostitute?” the koala bear asks.
"Come inside and I’ll show you, " says the prostitute.
So she and the koala go inside. He gets the usual and afterwards he gets up to go. The prostitute says, “Hold on, bud. You gotta pay me. A prostitute gets paid for sex.”
“Oh,” says the koala. “Well, I’m a koala.”
“What’s a koala?”
“Look it up,” said the koala as he took off.
The prostitute looks up ‘koala’ in the dictionary:

“Koala, a mammal native to Australia. Eats bush and leaves.”

List of ironic deaths:

Ellen DeGeneres - Suffocates in the closet

Susan Lucci - Trips and breaks her neck while running up steps to accept an Emmy

Jenny McCarthy - Struck by a random thought

Frank Sinatra - Killed by Stranglers in the Night

RuPaul - Prostate Cancer

O. J. Simpson - Murdered by the “Real Killer” (apparent suicide)

Madonna - Exposure

Unabomber - Mail package returned due to “insufficient postage”

Jesse Helms - Lynched

Bill Gates - Automobile accident: Crashes while trying to open his windows

This has got to be one of the most clever emails ever seen. Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL’S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters:! HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z

The Four Kinds of SEX

The first is Smurf Sex -

This happens during the honeymoon period of a relationship, you keep doing it and doing it, until you’re blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex - This is at the beginning of your marriage, you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime, anyplace, even in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex - You’ve calmed down a bit, perhaps you have had some kids, so you have to do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex - This is where you pass each other in the hallway, look each other in the eye and say, “F@CK YOU!”

The rules according to men

Please note: These are all numbered “1” on purpose!

1- Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, just put it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1- Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

2. Don’t cut your hair, ever.
Long hair is always more attractive than short hair.
One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then they’re stuck with her.

3. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

4. Crying is blackmail.

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

6. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

7. Most guys own three pairs of shoes, tops.
What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

8. “Yes” and “no” are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Please pick one.

9. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

10. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

11. Let us know about that funny noise in your car engine as soon as you hear it.

12. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

13. If you won’t dress like those Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

14. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
We refuse to answer, but still love you.

15. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

16. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

17. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

18. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

19. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

20. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

21. We are not mind readers and we never will be.
Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

22. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

23. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

24. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really, you look fine!!!

25. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

26. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

27. Thank you for reading this; yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

:shock:

Actually Taken From Classified Ads In Newspapers:

## OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.

(AND THE BEST ONE)
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica.
45 volumes. Excellent condition. \$1,000.00 or best offer.
No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Match the labels to the icons!

1. FOB
2. Japan, Inc.
3. Bruce Lee
4. Tourist
5. Mafia
6. Banana
7. Restaurant owner
8. Nerd
9. Gangsta
10. Charlie Chan
11. Ming the merciless
12. Laundry man
13. Store owner
14. Gook soldier
15. Railroad worker
16. Coolio

For answers: asianjoke.com/pix/generation … eotype.htm

So you wanna learn Chinese in 5 minutes??? Read on…

1. That’s not right…Sum Ting Wong

2. Are you harboring a fugitive?..Hu Yu Hai Ding

3. See me ASAP…Kum Hia Nao

4. Stupid man…Dum Fuk

5. Small horse…Tai Ni Po Ni

6. Did you go to the beach…Wai Yu So Tan

7. I bumped into a coffee table…Ai Bang Mai Ni

8. I think you need a facelift…Chin Tu Fat

9. It’s very dark in here…Wao So Dim

10. I thought you were on a diet…Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11. This is a tow away zone…No Pah King

12. Our meeting is scheduled for next week…Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13. Staying out of sight…Lei Ying Lo

14. He’s cleaning his automobile…Wa Shing Ka

15. Your body odour is offensive…Yu Stin Ki Pu

16. Great…Fa Kin Su Pah

This is supposidly an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. Wait till you read this guy’s response-but read the State’s letter before you get to the response letter.

[quote=“David L. Price (District Representative, Land and Water Management Division)”]Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division[/quote]

This is the actual response he sent back:

[quote=“In reply, Ryan Devries”]Dear Mr. Price,

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Your certified letter dated 10/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner, but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood “debris” dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of nature’s building materials “debris.” I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is – aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect.

In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream “restored” to a dam free-flow condition, please contact the Beavers. But, if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter (they being unable to read English). In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers’ Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Ryan DeVries[/quote]

Dunno if that’s real or not, but dam, its funny! Just a pity its incomplete – I would have loved to read the response.

At your service Sandman. The letters are apparently almost, but not quite, real.

truthorfiction.com/rumors/beaverdam.htm

For the Mac users:
netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/97/Aug/macsatan.html

8/6/97

Jobs, Satan announce deal

“The era of competition between good and evil is over,” Steve Jobs told a keynote audience at MacWorld Expo today. “We have to let go of the notion that for good to triumph, evil must perish.”

In a presentation that had been anxiously awaited by the Mac community, Jobs announced a historic deal between Apple Computer and Beelzebub, Lord of Darkness and Supreme Ruler of the Empire of Evil.

During his short speech to a stunned crowd, Jobs said that Satan will be purchasing \$150M worth of Apple staff’s souls, at the current market price. “I have Lucifer’s word that he will not use his control over these souls to influence the direction we take in any way.” Furthermore, said Jobs, the Devil will not be able to cash in any of the immortal souls for three whole years.

The Antichrist then addressed the room via a live link from the Pits of Hell, and said that the Empire of Evil is committed to developing major pestilences for the Mac platform – including Office 98 – for at least the next five years. A collaboration on destroying the Sun is also part of the deal with the Lord of Darkness.

Jobs said that Mac users should be grateful for the happiness that an honest, widely-respected and much-loved organization like The Eternal Pit of Torment will bring to the Mac community.

In the wake of the announcement, Apple’s stock leapt 30 pieces of silver over the previous day’s high.

How Do You Tip Over a Segway???

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No clue… ask Bush Junior.

(thanks JOBNUMBER)

Is that Laura or an intern?

I think the news reports about the Segway’s assassination attempt said that Laura was with him.

BTW, cute animal photo (should be valid until July 15th 2003) :
story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=s … 4ko07.html