My son’s Taiwanese great grandfather is dying. From what I hear, he’s become very frail and doesn’t eat but takes only a little juice or milk.
This saddens me so much. I love that old man! For an old Taiwanese guy, he accepted me and loved me, too. He sheltered me when I needed it, and saw to it that the rest of the family accepted me, too. I know he was very sad that my husband and I divorced, but I also know he didn’t blame me for leaving him.
I will not be able to return to Taiwan when he’s gone. My husband and I are divorced now, and we do not speak to eachother-he never even asks about the boy, but I have the great grand son–the first son of the first son’s first son.
Do I just send a card and a white flower bouquet? I’m crying as I write this. What do I do to express my love and respect for this man and his family when he’s gone? Really, any suggestions?
Have you been in touch with the old man at all? For some reason, I’m under the impression that you haven’t. If so, why wait till he’s gone? Send a letter or an email and make sure he gets to read it or have someone red it/translate it for him. What bob said, but say it to him, if you haven’t yet.
[quote=“marboulette”]Have you been in touch with the old man at all? For some reason, I’m under the impression that you haven’t. If so, why wait till he’s gone? Send a letter or an email and make sure he gets to read it or have someone red it/translate it for him. What bob said, but say it to him, if you haven’t yet.
That’s m first thought.
marboulette[/quote]
Actually, I did try to speak my wonky Mandarin on the phone with him when I first left, but now he can’t hear well and my tones aren’t sharp enough for him to understand easily, anyway, anymore. However, I do send messages through other family members and I believe they are delivered. My husband is the only family member with whom I don’t speak now, and that’s at his instance.
I just feel broken hearted and this loss is real to me. Thanks for your support and P.M.s.
[quote=“housecat”][quote=“marboulette”]Have you been in touch with the old man at all? For some reason, I’m under the impression that you haven’t. If so, why wait till he’s gone? Send a letter or an email and make sure he gets to read it or have someone red it/translate it for him. What bob said, but say it to him, if you haven’t yet.
That’s m first thought.
marboulette[/quote]
Actually, I did try to speak my wonky Mandarin on the phone with him when I first left, but now he can’t hear well and my tones aren’t sharp enough for him to understand easily, anyway, anymore. However, I do send messages through other family members and I believe they are delivered. My husband is the only family member with whom I don’t speak now, and that’s at his instance.
I just feel broken hearted and this loss is real to me. Thanks for your support and P.M.s.[/quote]
Sug, despite all that, I think you should try and call anyway.
I think it’s the best way to show him how you feel, the level of information exchanged is really not the point on these deals.
G-d knows I’ve done this before with some of the out-laws, and even though I could have been a grunting warthog on the other end of the line for how much actual communication took place, the message was definitely conveyed.
Just a thought, sweetie, of course, but do remember how much smarter I am than the rest of these lame fucks.
XOXOXO
chiefy
ETA: And, of course, hearing housekitten’s wee voice on the phone would doubtless make the auld fella’s year…
[quote=“the chief”][quote=“housecat”][quote=“marboulette”]Have you been in touch with the old man at all? For some reason, I’m under the impression that you haven’t. If so, why wait till he’s gone? Send a letter or an email and make sure he gets to read it or have someone red it/translate it for him. What bob said, but say it to him, if you haven’t yet.
That’s m first thought.
marboulette[/quote]
Actually, I did try to speak my wonky Mandarin on the phone with him when I first left, but now he can’t hear well and my tones aren’t sharp enough for him to understand easily, anyway, anymore. However, I do send messages through other family members and I believe they are delivered. My husband is the only family member with whom I don’t speak now, and that’s at his instance.
I just feel broken hearted and this loss is real to me. Thanks for your support and P.M.s.[/quote]
Sug, despite all that, I think you should try and call anyway.
I think it’s the best way to show him how you feel, the level of information exchanged is really not the point on these deals.
G-d knows I’ve done this before with some of the out-laws, and even though I could have been a grunting warthog on the other end of the line for how much actual communication took place, the message was definitely conveyed.
Just a thought, sweetie, of course, but do remember how much smarter I am than the rest of these lame fucks.
XOXOXO
chiefy
ETA: And, of course, hearing housekitten’s wee voice on the phone would doubtless make the auld fella’s year…[/quote]
I did call and speak with him, and my son got to speak with him some, a couple of months ago. He’s been in hospital again and in intensive care. Apparently, he went suddenly, but peacefully. I can’t return in time for the funeral.
I did call and speak with him, and my son got to speak with him some, a couple of months ago. He’s been in hospital again and in intensive care. Apparently, he went suddenly, but peacefully. I can’t return in time for the funeral.[/quote]
Sorry for your family’s loss.
Don’t worry, funerals aren’t important: how you felt was. Honour him in your own way. Suddenly and peacefully, having lived to meet his great grandchild is more than most can expect and I’m sure it was great for him to speak with you both again. He must have been a nice guy if his grandson’s ex-wife on another continent still gives a shit: that’s more of a tribute to him than just showing up at a funeral.
Don’t worry, funerals aren’t important: how you felt was. Suddenly and peacefully, having lived to meet his great grandchild is more than most can expect and I’m sure it was great for him to speak with you both again. He must have been a nice guy if his grandson’s ex-wife on another continent still gives a shit: that’s more of a tribute to him than just showing up at a funeral.[/quote]
Poignant and touching words, Ms BC.
I did call and speak with him, and my son got to speak with him some, a couple of months ago. He’s been in hospital again and in intensive care. Apparently, he went suddenly, but peacefully. I can’t return in time for the funeral.[/quote]
Sorry for your family’s loss.
Don’t worry, funerals aren’t important: how you felt was. Suddenly and peacefully, having lived to meet his great grandchild is more than most can expect and I’m sure it was great for him to speak with you both again. He must have been a nice guy if his grandson’s ex-wife on another continent still gives a shit: that’s more of a tribute to him than just showing up at a funeral.[/quote]
I loved him because he loved and accepted me, so everyone else had to damn well fall in line! But yes, he was kind and loved his great grand son very much. He led a remarkable life. He wasn’t the eldest son, but the KMT killed his father and all of his older brothers. Not sure what happened to his mom, but she wasn’t there and so he raised his younger siblings himself and did a very good job of it, becomming a master draftsman. The building plans for a lot of important buildings in Taiwan can be found in a drawer in his living room. Ironically, one of his sons now has a fairly high KMT government position. You’d think he would not like that, but he was always very proud of this son.
I’m really sorry to hear that…it’s always hard when somebody close to you in the family passes away. My grandfather left this world last September and his death was actually part of what prompted me to return to Taiwan semi-permanently.
Was your ex-husband the first grandson in the family? I got that from you mentioning that your son is the first great grand son. In Chinese traditions, the first grandson shares quite a few responsibilities, as his role in the family ranks below all the sons yet above all the daughters. I’m not sure how obligated your son is to show up at the funeral though, if time is a pressing issue.
[quote=“catfish13”]I’m really sorry to hear that…it’s always hard when somebody close to you in the family passes away. My grandfather left this world last September and his death was actually part of what prompted me to return to Taiwan semi-permanently.
Was your ex-husband the first grandson in the family? I got that from you mentioning that your son is the first great grand son. In Chinese traditions, the first grandson shares quite a few responsibilities, as his role in the family ranks below all the sons yet above all the daughters. I’m not sure how obligated your son is to show up at the funeral though, if time is a pressing issue.[/quote]
Yes, my ex-husband is the first grandson and my son the first great grandson, and actually this has been an issue of much pressure. However, I cannot possibly return in time for the funeral. My son is still waiting for his passport and it will be be available by then. Some will understand and some will not. Life goes on.
Sorry to hear of this. My wife’s paternal grandfather was a lovely old chap - we used to chat into the wee hours and got on famously. He died two and a half years ago, after a good innings (he was 83). It was the old fellow who was responsible for us getting married in a way, giving his deathbed blessing for the two of us after my father-in-law had been adamantly against it for the previous two years.
I was privileged to go to the funeral, but I empathise with your situation. Ultimately you know your feelings for the man, and whether the Taiwanese side of the family understands or not should be neither here nor there. Whichever way you choose to pay your respects, whether it be a toast to an old friend, a moment of silence or a time of prayer, is completely appropriate.
Missing major life events and funerals has seemingly become part and parcel of our new international existence. These rites were never designed for such an existence. But as other have said, funerals are symbolic actions that help us communicate and deal with the feelings this loss creates.
If it is any help, what I have found to help myself and my family when confronted with these situations is to find a picture, or some important memento, and place it in a place of respect in the house, where we can remember quietly or share memories. But, of course, respect can mean many things depending upon the person involved! Gran’Papa was a very serious man and a papermaker & printer. For Gran’Papa a piece of his artwork is in the library where we can contemplate it quietly. Sometimes it can be quite the opposite. When Fuddy, (a nickname once removed – his sons could not pronounce father properly), passed away, he left a simple Tuborg Beer oilskin apron. He was always in the kitchen with it on. Our kitchen is always a place with lots of commotion. Sometimes when someone wears it while cooking, I get a flash of his memory. I know that in the kitchen with us is where he’d want a part of him to be. In fact, he is there because we remember.
Missing major life events and funerals has seemingly become part and parcel of our new international existence. These rites were never designed for such an existence. But as other have said, funerals are symbolic actions that help us communicate and deal with the feelings this loss creates.
If it is any help, what I have found to help myself and my family when confronted with these situations is to find a picture, or some important memento, and place it in a place of respect in the house, where we can remember quietly or share memories. But, of course, respect can mean many things depending upon the person involved! Gran’Papa was a very serious man and a papermaker & printer. For Gran’Papa a piece of his artwork is in the library where we can contemplate it quietly. Sometimes it can be quite the opposite. When Fuddy, (a nickname once removed – his sons could not pronounce father properly), passed away, he left a simple Tuborg Beer oilskin apron. He was always in the kitchen with it on. Our kitchen is always a place with lots of commotion. Sometimes when someone wears it while cooking, I get a flash of his memory. I know that in the kitchen with us is where he’d want a part of him to be. In fact, he is there because we remember.[/quote]
That’s very nice, Elegua. Thank you for sharing.
I have a favorite photo of Grandfather and my son dancing. My son was less than two years old. Grandfather was very handsome and quite the ladies man, especially after Grandmother passed on. Old ladies always over to clean or cook. And until fairly reacently, he took them all out dancing. When he was healthier (and before Grandmother passed on, and never with her–poor Grandmother), he went dancing once a week–even when over 80 years old! My son loved to dance, too, still does really, but he’s shy. Anyway, they are dancing together in the photo and both so cute. I spent some time looking at that photo today and talking to my son about it.
I really like what Elegua shared. It helps, really. Anyone else who’s families have special ways of dealing with these things, I welcome you to share, too. I’d love to read what you’ve come up with.
I’m so very sorry, sweetie.
It’s so sad that you’ve lost one of the only nice parts of an otherwise unpleasant environment.
You did the right thing.
In days ahead, you’ll take comfort in knowing that you did the best you could by calling him near the end, he will have taken great comfort hearing from you and Wee Man when he did, and you’ve done a great thing by ensuring that, as Wee Man grows up, whatever memories he has of the auld fella, both his own and those he gleans from you, will be warm and treasured ones.
